BlueMoon

it's me - back from the limbo of no computer, no internet - (ACK!)

Havin' a rough time. (then I'm in the right place right?!)

In 3 wks, it'll be a year since my AH *poofed* out of my life. (indescribable PAIN)
For the last 3.5 months, I've been living "BY MYSELF" for the 1st time in my 47 years. (scary as hell)
My son + his family live across town but I don't get to see them very much. (hurts alot)

I'm on disability for "Bi-Polar Affective Disorder" (B.A.D.! gotta love that) - But hey - I fought the good fight before it kicked my ass 3 yrs ago.

I'm an Alcoholic - been clean + sober for 13 years. (proud proud proud)

Do I have to say that alcoholism + drug abuse runs in my family?

My mom (Queen Caretaker/Enabler) + my 2 brothers live in another state. (Right now that seems like a good thing)
Brother Mikey is going thru a traumatic break-up (hey! just like me!) and has major clinical depression to begin with. He's close to suicidal. (oh hell - aren't we alll?!) - so of course, he's starting "using" again. Hey that'll fix it in a hurry won't it!?
Brother Pat has this ELABORATE plan figured out how to *FIX* Mikey.
Mom is working on hers.

Li'l ol' ME pipes up with "I think he needs to be in treatment."

Well, I DO!

{heavy sigh}

I was informed that NO ONE (stranger) could POSSIBLY understand Mikey the way family does. (quite irately)

And I just didn't say anything else. I know a brick wall when it smashes into my head.
So I've been thinking of all the hundreds of meetings I've been to in the last 13 yrs. Al-anon, AA, NA, SLAA -
I've been remembering the fellowship, the heart-felt and genuine CARING I've found in those meetings. And I KNOW that at least ONE of you will understand this better than my family ever will - tho I pray they find there way - - -

So I know I can't "fix" Mikey - but what is making me seriously CRAZY is worrying about my Mom + Pat's reaction to him. worry worry worry worry - oh woe is me - what am I going to DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!?
ooh I wish Mikey would go to treatment. Oh I wish Mom would go to AL-aonon - oh I wish - - - -

and then the little "Program Fairy" hit me in the head with a bar of soap ((this was a bubble bath epiphany) -
When was the last time *I* have been to a meeting hmmmm? (been too freaked out about living alone to even go OUT)
OKAAAAAAAAAY - when was the last time you went to visit that VERY nice forum? You know the one - it pretty much helped you stay sane when hubby first left??? OH - THEY won't know about brothers - or moms - or

*BONK* Another hit in the head with the soap -

So here I am - rambling and making NO sense - but I'm HERE - I'm back -

I think the answer to my problem is that I need to work MY OWN PROGRAM -
but (yeah, there's always a "but" isn't there!) - I really AM worried about my Mom - besides being Queen of Caretaking/Enabling - she's even better at isolating than *I* am - she's got no one in her life but us kids - and the 5 of us are NUTS (trust me on that one)

ok - thanks for 'listening' - Mom input appreciated -

and you get a *star* if you made it this far!

Blue

best

Where is my star? *LOL*

Nice to see you found it back home to this family.

Tuff thing to deal with. When you know the answers and no one wants to listen. That waiting game till they get a clue....grrrr *LOL*

Letting go and letting God is the best I have found that works.
His hands are bigger then mine so I will let Him hold my problems.

BlueMoon

**{best}}
Yeah, I'm glad I made it back to this family too! (And VERY relieved!)

I wrapped your star for you :present:

Why is it that I know ALLL the answers to everyone's problems - 'cept mine???
Man, I hate 'catching' myself giving myself a load of crap!
No I don't - means I'm learning.

I REALLY like the 'visual' of God's hands being bigger than mine!
(Ok, but my 1st thought after that was "I'll have to remember to tell Mom!")
I'm going to put her in God's hands. She WILL be safe and just plain "ok" there. I like that ALOT. Thank you!

Blue

best

For me it was a tuff lesson to learn. A few sleepless nights. Upset stomach, many tears, many prayers.
When I reached a point that I realized "I can't fix it" is when I came to the understanding that God's hands are bigger then mine, I am sure He can do a much better job then I ever could.

BlueMoon

ya know - I'm seriously tired of sleepless nites + tummy aches!
I'm off to bed - funny how I can feel SO exhausted, but the minute the lights are out + my head hits the pillow - - the old brain cranks into full gear with "helpful suggestions".
Tonite I'm going to VISUALIZE!

(oooooo - that 1st line is a baaaaad pun!)

*hugs*
Blue

JT

BlueMoon...it's that committee meeting. It's a huge blinding red flag for me when my mind starts whirring with suggestions. It means I have to get to work...and fast...on clearing the room. I journal, come here, read, talk to people...whatever it takes to flip that illusive switch back to calmness.

Welcome back,
JT

splendra

((((Blue)))))

I think my mom is the "EXAULTED HIGH QUEEN OF ENABLERS" she is 72 years old supporting 4 crack addicts and one autistic child.....

But, anyway you know what to do. Get yourself to some meetings and get reconected with your recovery. Take care of you. I want to give you a star for making it back

Julie1016

((( Blue ))) Oh how I can relate. I am almost constantly worrying about someone, anyone, other then me. Since moving back to my home state(WI) and near my family almost 5 years ago, life has gotten better, and worse. Just within the past month or so I've discovered I truely WAS MUCH happier of a person when I lived hundreds of miles away(Pennsylvania). Dh has been trying to talk me into moving down south for almost 2 years now and I have been fighting it, thinking if I move my family will fall apart or worrying how bad I will hurt them. Well I FINALLY got hit over the head with a brick and realized, IF my family falls apart when i move, it really is NOT going to be MY fault. And hurting them......well yea it may hurt them, however staying here in WI is hurting ME, and for that matter it's hurting my marriage and my kids. So for the first time in a very long time I am planning something that will make ME happy, and it feels good. :-) Oh grant it's still scary as hell planning to move out of state again and relocating my kids yet again, but I think in the long run we'll all be MUCH happier. Is there any chance you could get your mom to go to a meeting with you? Swing by and pick her up? It's amazing how we always seem to worry about everyone but ourselves. :-( I'll be praying for you all :-) Take care.

BlueMoon

omg - (laughing + crying at the same time)
THIS is what I wish I could explain to my family! This is the gift I wish I could give them (steer them towards).

ahhhhhhhhhh - (satisfied sigh)

Jt -
Ah the committee! Mine has changed alot in the last year. All of a sudden it was being led by a very strong, wise woman who was very gentle with me at the same time. She used to 'sound' alot like my counselor or my mom or my gramma. A couple months ago, I noticed that *sometimes* she sounds like *me*! (gasp)
"she" is the one who "told" me to get my OWN butt back into MY OWN program.

I'm slowly (+ painfully) getting there.


Splendra - ooooH goodie! I got a star!!! too kewl. Thank You!
(My mom + yours should get together!)

You're right - I *DO* know what to do. It's just so weird that I tend to forget what to do for myself when I "KNOW" what everyone else should do! *LMAO* -
THAT is MY red flag right there.


Julie - funny! - I've been considering moving back home to Wisconsin too! That's where mom is (+ brothers). But with this latest s-storm, I'm glad I'm way away in Iowa.
I don't drive and so one of my "Fix-it Fantasies" *IS* that if I moved up to WI, I would "have to" ask mom for a ride to meetings and then of course I would invite her in and then - - - - - -
YES! then I would have magically fixed her!

(hysterical laughter)

I think I need to be working on *ME*. What a concept.



It's been terrifying me this past year that's AH is gone - I don't know what my life is s'posed to "look like" any more!
(*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP* hit in the head with a full box of 'Tide with Downy' - kitchen epiphany)
If it's MY LIFE then I can make it look HOWEVER I WANT IT TO!

AND - - - I already KNOW where to look for the tools that I'll need!

How is it possible to be so frigging scared and so peaceful + filled with hope at the same time??? Is that a faith thing do you think??
(or is it insanity?)


It's good to be back!

Blue

queenofthehwy

Yeah I would like to know that too!!!
Glad your here!!
Mindi