addicted to addicts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Wasshington
Posts: 5
addicted to addicts arial small indigo :ohno!:
Here I am a 42 year old woman that is, after 5.5 years back in the clutches of an addict. Oh not the same body but the same exact behavior that is, a twin in all rights. I have known this man sence we were toddlers that is along time. I had lost track of him as we all do after my family moved. About 2 years ago we were put in the same room. Much to our suprise. I kept telling myself not to get too involved with this man you have been there and done that and worn out the t-shirt. But much to my dismay I fell in love with him.
No, I haven't allowed him to move in with me as he wants so badly to do.
I have begun the Dasha voooo! I have begun to do his work, save him from the natural course of things, I have even gone so far as to joining him in a pint of whisky. Foolish behavior on my part. I have buckled to the elements of his world. I feel now that I have done this I have lost the respect that I did once had. I am getting the impression that now he is feeling it is all ok. I guess I am wondering now if I can get back that respect I had before with him before Saturday. If so what next? I do not want to go back to the co-dependent status again. I dont want to be his weeping willow, I would rather be his oak if you know what I mean. I am once again feeling lost and confused because I do love him.
I guess I should tell you that he was sober when we connected 2 years ago. He has gotten back into his old habits about 8 months ago.
What is a girl to do?
Here I am a 42 year old woman that is, after 5.5 years back in the clutches of an addict. Oh not the same body but the same exact behavior that is, a twin in all rights. I have known this man sence we were toddlers that is along time. I had lost track of him as we all do after my family moved. About 2 years ago we were put in the same room. Much to our suprise. I kept telling myself not to get too involved with this man you have been there and done that and worn out the t-shirt. But much to my dismay I fell in love with him.
No, I haven't allowed him to move in with me as he wants so badly to do.
I have begun the Dasha voooo! I have begun to do his work, save him from the natural course of things, I have even gone so far as to joining him in a pint of whisky. Foolish behavior on my part. I have buckled to the elements of his world. I feel now that I have done this I have lost the respect that I did once had. I am getting the impression that now he is feeling it is all ok. I guess I am wondering now if I can get back that respect I had before with him before Saturday. If so what next? I do not want to go back to the co-dependent status again. I dont want to be his weeping willow, I would rather be his oak if you know what I mean. I am once again feeling lost and confused because I do love him.
I guess I should tell you that he was sober when we connected 2 years ago. He has gotten back into his old habits about 8 months ago.
What is a girl to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Wasshington
Posts: 5
With love,
>Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday
>morning to fix his parents pancakes. He
>found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair
>to the counter, opened the cupboard and
>pulled out the heavy flour canister,
>spilling it on the floor.
>He scooped some of the flour into the bowl
>with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of
>milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury
>trail on the floor which by now had a few
>tracks left by his kitten.
>Brandon was covered with flour and getting
>frustrated. He wanted this to be something
>very good for Mom and Dad, but it was
>getting very bad.
>He didn't know what to do next, whether to
>put it all into the oven or on the stove
>(and he didn't know how the stove worked!).
>
>Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the
>bowl of mix and reached to push her away,
>knocking the egg carton to the floor.
>
>Frantically he tried to clean up! this
>monumental mess but slipped on the eggs,
>getting his pajamas white and sticky.
>And just then he saw Dad standing at the
>door. Big crocodile tears welled up in
>Brandon's eyes.
>
>All he'd wanted to do was something good,
>but he'd made a terrible mess. He was
>sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a
>spanking. But his father just watched him.
>
>Then, walking through the mess, he picked
>up his crying son, hugged him and loved
>him, getting his own pajamas white and
>sticky in the process.
>That's how God deals with us. We try to do
>something good in life, but it turns into
>a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we
>insult a friend, or we can't stand our job,
>or our health goes sour.
>Sometimes we just stand there in tears
>because we can't think of anything else to
>do. That's when God picks us up and loves
>us and forgives us, even though some of our
>mess gets all over Him.
>But just because we might mess up, we can't
>stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or
>for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right,
>and then they'll be glad we tried...
>Please pass some of this love on to
>others....suppose one morning you were
>called to God do all your friends know you
>love them?
>I was thinking... and I wondered if I had
>any wounds needing to be healed, friendships
>that need rekindling or three words needing
>to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless
>
This is me, giving the hug as well. I recieved this from a very wonderful friend today she seems to have a way to make you think.
>Six -year-old Brandon decided one Saturday
>morning to fix his parents pancakes. He
>found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair
>to the counter, opened the cupboard and
>pulled out the heavy flour canister,
>spilling it on the floor.
>He scooped some of the flour into the bowl
>with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of
>milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury
>trail on the floor which by now had a few
>tracks left by his kitten.
>Brandon was covered with flour and getting
>frustrated. He wanted this to be something
>very good for Mom and Dad, but it was
>getting very bad.
>He didn't know what to do next, whether to
>put it all into the oven or on the stove
>(and he didn't know how the stove worked!).
>
>Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the
>bowl of mix and reached to push her away,
>knocking the egg carton to the floor.
>
>Frantically he tried to clean up! this
>monumental mess but slipped on the eggs,
>getting his pajamas white and sticky.
>And just then he saw Dad standing at the
>door. Big crocodile tears welled up in
>Brandon's eyes.
>
>All he'd wanted to do was something good,
>but he'd made a terrible mess. He was
>sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a
>spanking. But his father just watched him.
>
>Then, walking through the mess, he picked
>up his crying son, hugged him and loved
>him, getting his own pajamas white and
>sticky in the process.
>That's how God deals with us. We try to do
>something good in life, but it turns into
>a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we
>insult a friend, or we can't stand our job,
>or our health goes sour.
>Sometimes we just stand there in tears
>because we can't think of anything else to
>do. That's when God picks us up and loves
>us and forgives us, even though some of our
>mess gets all over Him.
>But just because we might mess up, we can't
>stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or
>for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right,
>and then they'll be glad we tried...
>Please pass some of this love on to
>others....suppose one morning you were
>called to God do all your friends know you
>love them?
>I was thinking... and I wondered if I had
>any wounds needing to be healed, friendships
>that need rekindling or three words needing
>to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless
>
This is me, giving the hug as well. I recieved this from a very wonderful friend today she seems to have a way to make you think.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
zanath,
Welcome!
It seems to me you know what you want and what you don't want. It sounds as tho you have been there before, got out, and now you find yourself back. It is not uncommon to be "addicted to addicts" as you put it. That is why it is so important to work on YOU. No matter where you go there you are.
Get to a face to face meeting, come here and vent, check out the Book Club at the top of the Al Anon Forum and do some reading. Slowly you can find a way to having mostly good days with an occasional bad one vs living in anxiety and uncertainty.
We are here!
Hugs,
JT
Welcome!
It seems to me you know what you want and what you don't want. It sounds as tho you have been there before, got out, and now you find yourself back. It is not uncommon to be "addicted to addicts" as you put it. That is why it is so important to work on YOU. No matter where you go there you are.
Get to a face to face meeting, come here and vent, check out the Book Club at the top of the Al Anon Forum and do some reading. Slowly you can find a way to having mostly good days with an occasional bad one vs living in anxiety and uncertainty.
We are here!
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Wasshington
Posts: 5
Thank You 
It does sound like I know what I want and don't want but to tell you the truth it is one hard place to be. I want to be there for him but not in a co-dependant state. I have begun that faze now. It is like I had never left it. I am happy to know that I am not the only one that has fallen again and again but in the same breath it is sad that it is so easy. I guess this time around I have recognized the signs before I went to much farther. He is wanting to go back to a rehab once again (5 xs already) I have faith that he truly would like to be sober once again. I know he is in that state of mind that the guilt is swelling relentlessly. He was so upset that I wouldn't buy some drink on Sunday that he was verbally abusive. Of course I seen the flags flying. But still couldn't seem to get past the fact that I didn't want to see him hurting so went and got him a tall can. Bad news. I know. When that was gone I was kicked out of his life. I arrived home there was a couple of phone calls from him telling me how sorry he was and that he was going back to rehab not to lose faith. Well here it is Friday and guess what he has been drinking every time he calls. I think that I am more disappointed in myself then of him right now. how could I let this happen once again?
I live in a town that has approximately 6000 people in it. I am afraid that there isn't a meeting here and the one that there is that is close (57 miles) is on a Thursday night which is impossible at this time to make. So I began to search the web in hopes to "vent my frustration and hear others tell there story. I think that when I go up to visit him next time I will see about the meeting schedules there. Maybe I can make one or two while visiting as well as joining in on the ones that I have found on the net.
It does sound like I know what I want and don't want but to tell you the truth it is one hard place to be. I want to be there for him but not in a co-dependant state. I have begun that faze now. It is like I had never left it. I am happy to know that I am not the only one that has fallen again and again but in the same breath it is sad that it is so easy. I guess this time around I have recognized the signs before I went to much farther. He is wanting to go back to a rehab once again (5 xs already) I have faith that he truly would like to be sober once again. I know he is in that state of mind that the guilt is swelling relentlessly. He was so upset that I wouldn't buy some drink on Sunday that he was verbally abusive. Of course I seen the flags flying. But still couldn't seem to get past the fact that I didn't want to see him hurting so went and got him a tall can. Bad news. I know. When that was gone I was kicked out of his life. I arrived home there was a couple of phone calls from him telling me how sorry he was and that he was going back to rehab not to lose faith. Well here it is Friday and guess what he has been drinking every time he calls. I think that I am more disappointed in myself then of him right now. how could I let this happen once again?
I live in a town that has approximately 6000 people in it. I am afraid that there isn't a meeting here and the one that there is that is close (57 miles) is on a Thursday night which is impossible at this time to make. So I began to search the web in hopes to "vent my frustration and hear others tell there story. I think that when I go up to visit him next time I will see about the meeting schedules there. Maybe I can make one or two while visiting as well as joining in on the ones that I have found on the net.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome zanath,
I'm glad you found us. I remember many times saying "I can't believe I did this again." It's not hard for us to fall into the trap again. That's why it's important that we have each other. Sometimes others can see reality easier than we can because they aren't emotionally involved.
I've learned to trust all the wonderful people on this site. They've never steered me wrong yet.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better too.
Hugs,
MG
I'm glad you found us. I remember many times saying "I can't believe I did this again." It's not hard for us to fall into the trap again. That's why it's important that we have each other. Sometimes others can see reality easier than we can because they aren't emotionally involved.
I've learned to trust all the wonderful people on this site. They've never steered me wrong yet.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you better too.
Hugs,
MG
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Welcome Zanath.....
You have found "the good place" : ) Everyone here will help you. I too have made the same mistake twice and now I am paddling my way upstream and getting out of it and it is not easy. Easy would be to just put up with all of the $%^&*( and stay. I have a good lifestyle and all this means changes ....big changes. Look hard in that mirror and be sure you are up for another round of this........and come back anytime .............we are all here for you. BTW that was a great story!.
Love Kitty
You have found "the good place" : ) Everyone here will help you. I too have made the same mistake twice and now I am paddling my way upstream and getting out of it and it is not easy. Easy would be to just put up with all of the $%^&*( and stay. I have a good lifestyle and all this means changes ....big changes. Look hard in that mirror and be sure you are up for another round of this........and come back anytime .............we are all here for you. BTW that was a great story!.
Love Kitty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Wasshington
Posts: 5
Thank You all for your time
I have so much to think about that it is all so overwhelming to me right now. I don't know that I am able to think clearly enough to make a sound decision. I am greatful for that this site, being able to access it at any given moment.
I have gone to my local library and checked out a couple of books, Converdations with God and Courage to Change. Once again I live in a very small town and the resources are very limited.
Zanath
I have so much to think about that it is all so overwhelming to me right now. I don't know that I am able to think clearly enough to make a sound decision. I am greatful for that this site, being able to access it at any given moment.
I have gone to my local library and checked out a couple of books, Converdations with God and Courage to Change. Once again I live in a very small town and the resources are very limited.
Zanath
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Zanath,
You did say that you did not want to go back to codependent status...so that IS one thing that you know you want.
I believe that if you aren't sure what you want to do, then don't do anything today. Read, come here, find a meeting. Increase your power and knowledge in those ways. Doing nothing is an art...it is not laying back waiting for something to be done to you. It is a choice that is made..to wait until you know what you want to do.
Keep coming back!
JT
You did say that you did not want to go back to codependent status...so that IS one thing that you know you want.
I believe that if you aren't sure what you want to do, then don't do anything today. Read, come here, find a meeting. Increase your power and knowledge in those ways. Doing nothing is an art...it is not laying back waiting for something to be done to you. It is a choice that is made..to wait until you know what you want to do.
Keep coming back!
JT
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