fingerscrossed

Hi guys! Iam back and you all have been the only ones who seem to understand something that i really have no experience with. Just a quick recap--I am involved in a long distance relationship for a few years with a guy who has a history of alcoholism. A few months ago I confronted him because in our nightly calls, he sounded drunk and you know the expression--If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...well..initially it was chalked up to being tired......but later he said he was going to AA. he relapsed two weeks ago, lied about it, but did admit it, and pulled back from me, said he neede to re eval everything--no more nightly phone calls and up until today I had come to the conclusion---either he had met aomeone at AA, or he was afraid to start talking to me at night since I can hear the alcohol in his voice.

Well today he finally called and said he wants to work on things with me, but just now--guess what I heard in his voice? Not so obvious, but enough eto be suspect--says he is getting sick, but I heard him drinking something. I have been trying to call him for hours now--no answer. Hopefull I will see him this weekend, but the way things have been, I am prepared for anything.

Do I question him? I am at a loss.....I want to ask him what should I do if I THINK I hear the drink in his voice...and tonight..if I had to bet money--well I would bet he was drinking.

fingerscrossed

Well, I just tried him again and he shut his phone off--so I am guess that I had been correct because with the other relapse--he shut his phone off and then called me early in the morning to tell me that I was too good for him and deserved better. Last time I was angry, but this time I am not--just want to see him and have him get well. Does that make sense?

JessicaNAJ

Yes....it makes total sense.

I really don't have any advice (I'm at a loss right now). But I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

((((()))))

ps....if you do question him, what do you think it will accomplish? You already know the answer.

fingerscrossed

I don't know if this was the wrong approach, but I left a message telling him tht i love him and that I support him, and that I am standing by him. Is that co-dependant? Granted he might not even have been drinking--for all I know he could be with some hot chick, but my gut and head tells me that he has been drinking. I do have a breaking point, but I think that right now he hasn't been sober more than a few mweeks right now, and I realize that relapses are common and not a reason to totally lose hope. i have plenty of hope for this man.

Savana 54

Your story sounds almost exactly like my ex-Abf. For the last few months he had been traveling. A few nights I called him and I could tell he was just wasted. I ended up hanging up the phone and of course he called me the following morning saying how sorry he was and that he was going to make a meeting that day. Sometimes I could tell he was drunk when he would suddenly turn off his phone.

Although I will never know for sure, I don't think he ever attended one meeting while he was away. As he came home a month ago and thats when we had problems. I don't know for sure, but while he was here the last few weeks I'm almost sure that when he mentioned going to a meeting, he was actually going to his cousin's house to either just hang out or maybe sneak a beer or two.

For the reasons I just talked about, this is why I don't want to be with him anymore. I love him and will always care, but I cannot live this way. I was so consumed by his drinking and lying that I would forget about myself.

Take care and (((hugs)))

fingerscrossed

Well I am prepared for hearing anything in the morning. As i said I am not ready to throw the towel in yet, but I suspect that he will reject me, saying this is too stressful, and maybe it is. In my head I am already making plans to go away this weekdn, just me and be good to myself. This has been such a rocky month, I am so torn because this guy was--is??? the love of my life and I never pictured myself living with an alcoholic, yet here I am deeply in love with one, but I am beginning to accept that we might have to go our seperate ways again. (We were first loves and lost each other for 25 years) I guess that is also what holds us together-

JT

Fingers,

Know going in that what you see is what you get. There is a good likelyhood that he will always be exactly the same as he is. And if he should be one of the lucky ones who gets sober and stays sober for an extended period of time, read the posts of the woman who's men have gotten sober. They often are still feeling left out of their lives.

Me? I live with an active alcoholic...married 24 years...he is an honest, hardworking man that drinks too much. So it can be done, but I have a strong base in Al Anon and a circle of support including this board to keep me honest.

I wouldn't recommend it tho if you know what you know going in. There are many other easier ways to have a relationship.

((Hugs))
JT

fingerscrossed

JT----I know what you say makes sense, and (sigh)..deep down in my heart I know--yet I can't turn off my feelings toward this man. I love him very much and I think he loves me too. He, like your husband is an honest hard worker, and he is wonderful with kids. He was my first love, in high school and comes from a wonderful closeknit family. He is wonderful toward hi mom and in my book, if a man treats his mom well, well..that counts for something.

I guess I realize that we are in our 40's..I think that anyone this stage of life comes with baggage...and yes I know alcoholism is a LOT of baggage, but I want to see this through to the end. I am not rushing into marriage,and I have faith in this person--maybe I will get burned?? But I just feel that I have to see it through...

JT

Then that is what you need to do.

Might I suggest Al Anon? That is what has gotten me to where I am. I have learned to have a life while he drinks. I have learned to not invest myself in his sobriety. I can't change him anyway so I enjoy his company when he is "available" and I find something else to do when he is not.

Can you do that?
JT

MS P

One thing that I am learning in recovery that every situation have a process and everyone have their own process. Just like the drug when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired I will stop getting into sick relationships until then I listen to the suggestion that I have been getting so when I am ready to do something different I will know what to try

JessicaNAJ

Fingerscrossed - have you checked out the book "Co-Dependant No More, by Melody Beatie". It helped me a lot.

Just a thought?? Ain't love grand.

FormerDoormat

Fingerscrossed:

JT said it all: "Know going in that what you see is what you get. There is a good likelyhood that he will always be exactly the same as he is." So ask yourself: are you satisfied with your relationship today? Because if you're not, then you're likely to be dissatisfied for the long haul.

We all deserve to have a happy, healthy, satisfying relationship. If your relationship was happy, healthy, and satisfying would you be posting here?

CodeMaster

I'm in the same boat as you FC. As much as I would like to love this person for life! Despite the disease of how much time she needs in rehab, I dont think any amount of my love would be appreciated but only spit on. I am starting to accept this despite my lack of understanding, and to be honest, I have no faith that I can do anything to help anymore.

Your not alone, and I hope you find a person who will cherish you the way you deserve to be. Any guy with such a commited loving woman as yourself would be the luckiest guy on Earth.

splendra

: Any man who says you are too good for him probably knows what he is talking about!!!!

fingerscrossed

Okay guys--you have helped me so much I need more advice. here is my update---after 24 hours my guy finally calls me--at 5 pm tofay--never returned my calls last night and I now really believe had been drinking last night. I think that makes the most sense--he NEVER calls me after 5pm any longer and we used to talk for hours-- for months ---every night. The ladt 10 days--NOTHING in the evening. I don't believe he is going to AA everynight and I don't believe he is dating another. I am going to see hijm this weekend for the first time in a month and since confronting him about his drinking he has pulled so far away from me that I am in shock. Could it be that he is pulling away from me because he is secretly drinking and knows that I came close to leaving him for his relapse two weeks agao?

Here is what i want to say to him tomorrow--"I think you are still drinking, I think that is why you are pulling away and I am so frustrated--I feel like I am losing the man that I fell in lovce with 25 years ago and the man I love now. I am not going to judge you. I love you."

Help guys.