JennyK

I really had a great day today. My husband was drunk out of his mind by 3PM and I was calm and cool and collected and just took the kids out for the afternoon and out to dinner and when we got home he was in bed.

My question is about our finances.

He has ALWAYS had total control over them, at first with my blessing, then with my denial and now with my trust. Well, until today.

I saw our most recent bank statement on his desk and read it. If you recall I cashed out part of my retirement fund to pay for our property taxes, mortage for a few months and our HUGE tax bill.

Well, that money is almost gone, and I assumed that he paid those things. He did pay the property taxes and mortage. He did NOT pay our tax bill. And the money is for the most part gone. He did however make withdrawls to gamble. I know this because of the location of the ATM machines and the dates in which the money was taken (all days he drank).

In terms of the IRS, we will be fine, as we are refinancing the house this week and will have money to pay the taxes AND get out to debt and if he gets this freaking job we will be able to pay the slightly higher mortage payment which will start in a few months.

At anyrate, with my newly remembered detachment and new found peace, I am not sure how to address this issue.

If I bring it up, he will lie to me, then he will get angry, then he will lie some more, then he will drink some more.

I have no doubt that one of the things that prompted today's binge was getting this statement in the mail and realizing how much eh screwed up.

I really want to treat this as I am the drinking and say nothing....as I know I am opening myself up to lies and excuses and anger.

Then again, I get really riled up when I think of the HOURS and DAYS and MONTHS and YEARS of my time and work it took to make the money that he pissed away. It was different when he was actually bringing in an income...this money was mine.

I want to just feel as good tomorrow as I did today regardless of what he does. I can't undo it. And I have taken measures to assure it will NOT happen again.

Am I denying financial abuse? Or am I doing the right thing?

On this point, I am torn.

Jenny

wraybear

Jenny, sorry to hear of this situation. You said you "have taken measures to assure it will not happen again" - that is the key in all this.

My AH was responsible for all the bill paying the first 12 years of our marriage. As his disease progressed, he became so depressed he was almost lethargic and I found a drawer stuffed full of bills that hadn't even been opened. I HAD to take control of the bills and the money or we probably would have lost our house and my savings by now. Yes, it made him "feel" bad but it HAD to be done. I have all my own bank accounts now. IT HAD TO BE DOWN FOR MY OWN FINANCIAL SAFETY AND THAT OF MY CHILDREN. There was no way around it. My only regret is that I didn't do it years ago.

I have been one of "those" people that couldn't understand how a married couple could have separate this, and separate that. I went through a long period of denial, I guess hoping he would get better and this financial situation would work itself out - I went through a period of not wanting to hurt his feelings - I went through a period of well, he doesn't do this all the time... only when he has one of his drinking binges, the other few months we are okay... Eventually, i couldn't justify NOT TAKING CONTROL.

I can't even begin to imagine how having a gambling problem too would make the financial situation a jillion times worse - I am so sorry, but glad to hear you are doing what you need to do and doing it happily!

You are one strong cookie!

Will you send some of the "strong cookie" vibes my way?!?!?!?!?

FormerDoormat

Hi Jenny:

I sure hope you're taking measures to ensure your husband can't gamble away your hard earned money again, like keeping your money in separate accounts, removing your name from joint accounts (especially credit cards), not giving him access to your ATM/debit/credit cards as well as their passwords/pin numbers.

If you're assumptions are correct that your AH also has a gambling problem, then if you don't take immediate steps to separate and protect your assets, then you're in for some really tough financial times ahead. One of the best ways to protect yourself from financial ruin due to a (potential) gambling problem on the part of your husband is to learn as much about compulsive gambling as possible. It's not a pretty picture.

I think a visit to a Gambler's Anonymous site is in order. That way you'll have a clear idea of what might lie ahead and you can detach rather than deny. If it were me, however, and I had a husband who had a drinking problem, a gambling problem, and was out of work as a result, I wouldn't bother detaching at all, I'd give him the boot or run for the hills.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but don't you think you deserve more, Jenny?

Live

In business they say "Cut your losses and don't throw good money after bad"
Joint funds, joint consequences. You might be protecting your joint interests by not leaving the responsibility upon the irresponsible one. Not our of resentment, but simple cause and effect.
?????
live

JennyK

I do see that in my future. I DO totally deserve more. I also, however, am not yet able to stick to a boundary that will lead me there. It will come. I am on the right path...please believe in me....my relationship with my husband defines my adult life. It is going to take some time to figure out what that looks likes without him (good or bad). Running for the hills is a fine idea. What comes after I realize I have no path when the darkness closes, it too frightening to bear right now.

Jenny

FormerDoormat

I do believe in you, Jenny, and I care very much about you. That's why I can't help but worry about you. It's a codie thing you know.

JennyK

Yes, you are right. I called my employer this afternoon and transfered my deposit into a secure account. At least with MY money, this IS NEVER happening again. I wonder what he will say when he finds out . I have never thougth my husband capable of physical abuse, although over the last few weeks I do wonder what he has left when he is so obviously spent with excuses and not yet able to deal with himself.

Jenny

Live

It is frightening. One thing I see is that you don't depend upon him for financial support. And you might find your load so lightened that you didn't realize how much you carried. How much lighter you feel.
I believe in you. And I hear a woman who makes plans.
One day at a time.
Take it easy!
hugs,
live

Cynay

Ok ... question, if your married and live in a community property state.... how does removing yourself from joint accounts make you not liable for the debt.

With my ex husband, we bought a truck, and even though the divorce decree said the debt was his, the bank would not take it off my credit, where it stayed until it was paid off.... also the house had to be refinanced before my name could be removed. Credit Cards were the same.

Just a thought and question

FormerDoormat

You may still be liable for debts incurred jointly while married, but having separate accounts will ensure that only Jenny can remove funds from her account.

myselfagain

Your response to his being angry about what you did could be " When you get YOUR paycheck you can deposit it into YOUR account and help pay bills"
And when he wants money for drinking gambling ya da ya da you could say " You have an account, go get YOUR money for that stuff, mine is for bills, food, gas and so on" "And by the way honey I need you to repay 1/2 of whay I took out of MY retirement fund, your half would be ____________ "

Live

Jenny,

Have you read the sticky "Healthy Relationships" in the Relationships forum?
Just for some perspective, I would suggest it.
live

brightlight

I told everybody here a few months ago that I was getting some money left in a will. I paid the credit cards off in both our names. I put the rest in an account in my own name. Was hard to do and the only way I could justify it at the time was he had bumped a guy with the truck while driving and the guy was talking like he was going to sue our insurance company, which he did get around $2000, but at the time we did not know if he would sue us, so I used that as an excuse to put it in my name. Name the cards are getting used again. He is drinking more and more and using credit cards. I have used them too for gas, groceries, and clothes because if there is any cash left over from pay day then he uses that all up till gone and then starts on the card. I am going to have to do something. To protect myself. I have just been kind of coasting and waiting to see what I should do. I am worried he is starting to gamble. I found out that he lost $20 rolling dice. I WENT NUTS I called the police and asked if it was aganist the law to roll dice for money in a bar and they told me they had several complaints and were looking into it. I am not sure what has come of it. We worked hard to get our credit improved to buy a house and with the cards being used again it is going to be hard. I even thought to myself that it was financial abuse. He knows how I want to save money to get a house and it is like he is attacking that and making sure it does not happen.

splendra

((((Jenny)))))

I believe in you too!

cwohio

(((jenny))) me too!