JennyK

For the past 3 months I have been feeling the overwhelming pressure that if my husband drinks again I am going to leave him. I have not eaten, slept or been able to carry on a normal conversation since January....seriously...it has been horrible.

Well, over the past month he has started to drink again...not every day, although I would not be surprised if it headed that direction. Although today he was totally sober...go figure.

Enough about him...

I realized last night that I am not ready, I am not healthy in the place where I have been. While he was being sober and NOT freaking working...I have been in a place of fear and anxiety and terror. I have been so wrapped up in his NOT drinking and wondering when he was going to do it again, that I totally forgot how to care for myself....(have you noticed?..ACK).

So last night I decided to take the pressure off of myself. I acknowledged that I can't leave yet. For a million reasons that I am sure you all can imagine. The main one being that for me, right now, it is healthier for my body and soul to just LET GO and BREATH and BE.

I KNOW how to live with an active alcoholic and how to love him and find happiness and live my life. I KNOW how to do that an maintain my sanity.

It was living with a sober one who was not seeking support who occupied every minute of my every thought that has made me insane. Have you noticed I have been going insane lately?

I pray that he find real sobriety and I pray that he gets this job that he want and I pray that I can remember that "I" am oh so important in my life.

Today was such a good day. I went to work and I enjoyed it. I drove around with loud music on and sang loudly and badly. I laughed...REALLY laughed on the phone with a friend and I felt free. I realized at one point that I had not thought about what he was doing for over 3 hours...last week it was 3 minutes.

I am feeling so proud of myself. Hurrah!

And now I am in a place that I can grow. I was suffocating. I was fearing every day. I was so sad and pathetic and unhealthy.

I don't know what happened to me yesterday, other than saying to myself that it is NOT failure to realize that I am not ready for those boundaries yet. It is growth to realize that I am capable of knowing that I am not yet ready. I don't know when ready with be, and until that point I intend to remember that today I did what was good for me and it was a great day.

Jenny

Live

bikewench

Jenny....

Sounds like a full-blown terminal case of acceptance to me.... ;o)

So happy for you.

minnie

Jenny

You are a star! To me, it's the best feeling in the world when I have lightbulb moments like that. I knew you'd understand in the end - when you were ready. I could tell you've been struggling with this - but you are spot on when you say that you aren't ready for the BIG boundary and that is perfectly OK.

If you were to read back at my posts, I first said on here that I wanted to leave my ex last June and I think in my head it was earlier. We went to couples counselling in September and my counsellor has since said that he knew that I wanted to leave then. I eventually made the decision in December. I'm not saying that you WILL leave eventually, I just wanted to say that I totally understand the pressure we put on ourselves when we want to do something but we're not ready yet. I went through torment last year, mainly because I was feeling ashamed that I couldn't do what I thought was right for me. When I made that decision in December, the sense of acceptance was enormous, there was a massive sense of relief and I just KNEW that the time was right. Living with an A who has one foot in drinking and one foot in recovery is exhausting for everyone concerned. At least if they're drinking everyday there is some kind of routine.

You can't go back to where you were now, so I hope you have a great day today too. That's not to say that you won't have "off" days, but you can't undo this knowledge.

Love

Minnie
xxx