Needing a fix or just lonely?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Needing a fix or just lonely?
Thursday night, my ex-alcoholic called and said that he had received some mail for me. Obviously, I haven't seen him for a long time, but I felt comfortable about seeing him. He was going to be at camp this weekend, so he would meet me there. The camp is only 2 miles from where I live.
We had a nice visit, and everything seemed fine. I am still very attracted to him, as he is a very handsome man. He has a lot of good qualities, but I must remember that he treated me terribly when we were together. The problem is that I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE! I still care for him. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. As I drove away, I felt very sad and lonely.
Am I missing him or am I just lonely? I don't know anymore. Since my sister and her husband are his best friends/drinking buddies, I know that we will be at a lot of the same functions this summer.
I thought that I would be alright seeing him, but it brought back old feelings!
What should I do and how do I deal with these feelings.
Am I just lonely or did I need a fix????
We had a nice visit, and everything seemed fine. I am still very attracted to him, as he is a very handsome man. He has a lot of good qualities, but I must remember that he treated me terribly when we were together. The problem is that I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE! I still care for him. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. As I drove away, I felt very sad and lonely.
Am I missing him or am I just lonely? I don't know anymore. Since my sister and her husband are his best friends/drinking buddies, I know that we will be at a lot of the same functions this summer.
I thought that I would be alright seeing him, but it brought back old feelings!
What should I do and how do I deal with these feelings.
Am I just lonely or did I need a fix????
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
I'm not going to tell you what to do. That is YOUR decision! But, abcence maked the heart grow fonder. When you see him, and you are both in good moods and especially if he is sober, you will see all the good things in him. The things you saw when you first met him. Unless he has seriously learned a WHOLE lot in your time apart, the "honeymoon" would eventually be over and more then likely things would go back to the way they were! I have been working on myself for about 7 years, and I am STILL not done, and I'm not the alcoholic!!!
When I started seeing my X husband again, we had a lot of fun, and I really wanted to make things work which is why I moved back. But old habbits die hard, and when two codied try to make it happen like that, we just fell back into the old habbits! Me not totally because I have done some "growing", but that added a whole new set of problems and I DID backslide into old habbits a little bit too!
Just be caushious!
When I started seeing my X husband again, we had a lot of fun, and I really wanted to make things work which is why I moved back. But old habbits die hard, and when two codied try to make it happen like that, we just fell back into the old habbits! Me not totally because I have done some "growing", but that added a whole new set of problems and I DID backslide into old habbits a little bit too!
Just be caushious!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Grace,
Possibly you could not take his calls and ask him to forward your mail to you? Nothing has changed he still is drinking. Is it possible you could not attend some of those functions this summer take some distance until you are stronger?
There is more than good looks, good looks are a hook for what is underneath. When you were with him did you get to appreciate those good looks with lots of intimacy (cuddling,sex, companionship, good talks) that sort of thing?
He'll use anything way to get you back and it will be easy for him to sound nice for awhile until he feels he has you hooked back in then the same thing will happen.
Read your journal keep being reminded of what you lived in fact read your old posts here too.
I know it's hard it's really hard but it sometimes comes down to valuing ourselves more and self-preservation.
My ex was handsome too I thought at the time but the looks covered up a lot of meanness and abusiveness.
It was tough getting away it took me a year to finally leave but in the end it was worth it I got myself back.
Ngaire
Possibly you could not take his calls and ask him to forward your mail to you? Nothing has changed he still is drinking. Is it possible you could not attend some of those functions this summer take some distance until you are stronger?
There is more than good looks, good looks are a hook for what is underneath. When you were with him did you get to appreciate those good looks with lots of intimacy (cuddling,sex, companionship, good talks) that sort of thing?
He'll use anything way to get you back and it will be easy for him to sound nice for awhile until he feels he has you hooked back in then the same thing will happen.
Read your journal keep being reminded of what you lived in fact read your old posts here too.
I know it's hard it's really hard but it sometimes comes down to valuing ourselves more and self-preservation.
My ex was handsome too I thought at the time but the looks covered up a lot of meanness and abusiveness.
It was tough getting away it took me a year to finally leave but in the end it was worth it I got myself back.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Probably both Grace. Focus on what you said in your post.
When you were together, he treated you terribly.
There was a reason you ended this relationship.
I think if you get busy with other things, you won't find yourself dwelling on this so much.
When you were together, he treated you terribly.
There was a reason you ended this relationship.
I think if you get busy with other things, you won't find yourself dwelling on this so much.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newcastle,England
Posts: 1
Hi Grace, a friend of mine at an al-anon meeting gave me this website and yours was the first post I came across. I was divorced from my alcoholic last year, not my idea or choosing at all and spent a long time missing her. Recently however I have realized some of my own insane behavior. What I am actually missing is the fantasy of what I wished the relationship was like, I think that to cope with the alcholism I made up a world in my head where there was love, trust, true intamacy all the things that in reality were absent from the relationship, and I realized that when I remember the past, often I am remembering the fantasy not real life, and its that what I feel i am 'missing'. Its still hard to sleep alone at nights, but now I can take care of myself and have hope that I will be in a better position to work healthy relationships. Failing all that a good bar of chocolate seems to do the trick 
.
~Quagmire~
.~Quagmire~
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2
Trust me, if you continue to see him and be a part of his life you will constantly be disappointed. When you start to think that things could be different, remember what it was like when you were with him. Because in time, it will be the same as it was in the past.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thank you all so much for pointing out some things to me that I had forgotten.
It is true, when I take away the handsome part, what is left is an alcoholic, who is emotionally/verbally abusive. A man who treated me with disrespect. A man who lied to me. A man who didn't love me, but used me to be his maid.
He is like a bad habit, a drug. We need to stay away from our bad habits in order to break them. I will stay away from him from now on. I have already asked him to forward my mail to me, but he doesn't seem to understand how to do that.
Thank you again everyone. I've realized that I'm just lonely right now, and in time that will get better too. I hope!
It is true, when I take away the handsome part, what is left is an alcoholic, who is emotionally/verbally abusive. A man who treated me with disrespect. A man who lied to me. A man who didn't love me, but used me to be his maid.
He is like a bad habit, a drug. We need to stay away from our bad habits in order to break them. I will stay away from him from now on. I have already asked him to forward my mail to me, but he doesn't seem to understand how to do that.
Thank you again everyone. I've realized that I'm just lonely right now, and in time that will get better too. I hope!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Newcastle, England
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by Quagmire
Recently however I have realized some of my own insane behavior. What I am actually missing is the fantasy of what I wished the relationship was like, I think that to cope with the alcholism I made up a world in my head where there was love, trust, true intamacy all the things that in reality were absent from the relationship, and I realized that when I remember the past, often I am remembering the fantasy not real life
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think that to cope with the alcholism I made up a world in my head where there was love, trust, true intamacy all the things that in reality were absent from the relationship
Grace, I think ngaire's idea to re-read some of your previous posts is a fabulous idea, and I plan on doing the same thing to prevent me from living in la la land, to help me refrain from making similar mistakes in the future, and to help me see how far I've come in my recovery. Thanks, ngaire.
And welcome to you, too, Unhappy Again. Stick around a while and soon you may decide to drop "Un" off your name.
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
Wow! I'm so glad I reread this post; I was starting to "miss" my XAbf. This post was just what I needed to put everything back in perspective.
Maybe I should print out this thread and hang it up somewhere.....
Maybe I should print out this thread and hang it up somewhere.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 109
Hi
I have the same situation. My ex AB and I broke up last year because I couldn`t deal with the drinking. Since then I have been "hooked back" to him. He is the mist stunning looking guy I have ever met in my life and each time I saw him (we have same circle of friends) my heart fluttered like crazy. We kinda got back together for a bit and it was back to how it was and amazing but.... then he hit the bottle again. He ended up sleeping with my best friend. After time once again I went back (stupidly). One night I caught him downstairs cavorting around with a woman between his legs!! The situation now...... Im pregnant by him and having the worst time. He doesnt want to know as the babay wil eat into his drinking money. He has been so cruel and hurtful. It is clear I am on my own. I am considering a termination. Then I know I have to stay away from him. Him and his good looks.
All this came about because I thought I was strong and could deal with seeing him. I was wrong. Even after everything he put me through (please read the posts) I still went back. Those looks, the body, the eyes, the hair, the smile made me melt.. nut also hurt like nothing else. Tke those away is a coward, a childish weak man. Yes I desperately want back what we had but without the drinking but Im understanding that will never happen.
Good luck. Be strong and stay away. Please dont end up in a situation like mine.
((HUG))
I have the same situation. My ex AB and I broke up last year because I couldn`t deal with the drinking. Since then I have been "hooked back" to him. He is the mist stunning looking guy I have ever met in my life and each time I saw him (we have same circle of friends) my heart fluttered like crazy. We kinda got back together for a bit and it was back to how it was and amazing but.... then he hit the bottle again. He ended up sleeping with my best friend. After time once again I went back (stupidly). One night I caught him downstairs cavorting around with a woman between his legs!! The situation now...... Im pregnant by him and having the worst time. He doesnt want to know as the babay wil eat into his drinking money. He has been so cruel and hurtful. It is clear I am on my own. I am considering a termination. Then I know I have to stay away from him. Him and his good looks.
All this came about because I thought I was strong and could deal with seeing him. I was wrong. Even after everything he put me through (please read the posts) I still went back. Those looks, the body, the eyes, the hair, the smile made me melt.. nut also hurt like nothing else. Tke those away is a coward, a childish weak man. Yes I desperately want back what we had but without the drinking but Im understanding that will never happen.
Good luck. Be strong and stay away. Please dont end up in a situation like mine.
((HUG))
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