Husband With Online Girlfriend Upheaval
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Illinois
Posts: 16
Husband With Online Girlfriend Upheaval
Hi, teach2read here,
You all had been so good to me when I first posted at the beginning of January. I had found out my husband had been having an online affair after several months of stressful and unexplained changes in his behavior.
One of the things I seemed to see with my husband(recovering alcoholic of 15 years) was that his onine activities seemed to fill the "hole" that is within him. He had always said that he seemed to have a void that he tried to fill with all sorts of stuff. Anyway, we were dealing with his online affair, my growth with counseling & with CoDependent's Anonymous and Alanon, his getting together with buddies from AA and also attending meetings. He still said that he was struggling with feelings of guilt and unhappiness. I thought that he was experiencing normal feelings and just kept on plugging away at gettting myself better first, then using those tools to try to have a healthy and happy recovery in our marriage.
My husband confessed to me 4 days ago that his online girlfriend was real, that they had worked together (he was laid off a month ago), and that he did not break off contact with her like he said he did on Christmas Day. He said that his feelings for her "filled that hole". Supposedly, it is an emotional affair, (he says no sex, who knows at this point) and that he doesn't know if he loves her or not.
Well I bottomed out. Big time. Cried for a couple of days, went through bouts of absolute despair and then listlessness. He kept saying that he loved me, but he doesn't know what to do. You know after a couple of days, I just thought, well I think that you are addicted to this, what you attach to the feelings for her, you know? I had suspected before that he seemed to have had a "relapse" and even asked him if he thought so too. When I listened to him now, I could just get the gut instinct that he is addicted, especially when he said that the feelings for her filled the hole and that he couldn't break off the contact.
I tried to explain that he is never going to be able to figure out what he wants while he is involved with BOTH of us, I mean how does that work? He seemed like he was in such a fog.
After a few of days of me in agony I just had this moment of clarity and realized that even though I know he is sick, I cannot be with him and cannot keep my sanity while he is involved with her right now. I just can't. Every time I look at him it breaks my heart, and that is our home, our family, our life together. I couldn't stomach the idea of the kids coming back from their dad's house after a weekend visit. They just love my husband to pieces, flaws and all.
So I left. He guessed what I was going to say, except interrupted to say "you want me to leave" and I said, Nope, I can't be here right now while this is going on. (My first husband left 16 years ago to marry his girlfriend) I know what it's like to be in the house and just walk around like the living dead. So right now, I can't be there with him or without him frankly. For the sake of my sanity, I ain't as strong as I was 16 years ago, I just couldn't. I teach first graders, I have 2 kids still at home that need me, and I couldn't pretend like this.
Yesterday he said that what I was saying about relapse was probably right. (I thought, no sh*#) Then he patiently explained to me about the term "dry drunk" and again, my thoughts were "yup". He told me to tell the kids that he was in relapse and to explain about the dry drunk concept. He said I had to do what I had to do to take care of myself. No offers to break things off... no hint of it. Even in the face of all of the consequences.
I left this morning. It broke my heart and my spirit. The kids are staying with their dad tonight. I am staying with another teacher. When he called me tonight about a credit card bill, he sounded wooden and so detached from me, like he has just frozen out any of the good feelings. He isn't like that normally. He said that he wasn't going to a meeting, or to see or talk with his friends from AA. I am scared for him. Scared to death. I know I can't make this happen. I know he is in the throes of his illness. My kids love him and so do I. I pray that he can "fight the good fight".
Was I wrong to leave right now? I know he is sick, but I just couldn't be around him or in our home while he is still involved with her. I just couldn't have a moment of peace.
You all had been so good to me when I first posted at the beginning of January. I had found out my husband had been having an online affair after several months of stressful and unexplained changes in his behavior.
One of the things I seemed to see with my husband(recovering alcoholic of 15 years) was that his onine activities seemed to fill the "hole" that is within him. He had always said that he seemed to have a void that he tried to fill with all sorts of stuff. Anyway, we were dealing with his online affair, my growth with counseling & with CoDependent's Anonymous and Alanon, his getting together with buddies from AA and also attending meetings. He still said that he was struggling with feelings of guilt and unhappiness. I thought that he was experiencing normal feelings and just kept on plugging away at gettting myself better first, then using those tools to try to have a healthy and happy recovery in our marriage.
My husband confessed to me 4 days ago that his online girlfriend was real, that they had worked together (he was laid off a month ago), and that he did not break off contact with her like he said he did on Christmas Day. He said that his feelings for her "filled that hole". Supposedly, it is an emotional affair, (he says no sex, who knows at this point) and that he doesn't know if he loves her or not.
Well I bottomed out. Big time. Cried for a couple of days, went through bouts of absolute despair and then listlessness. He kept saying that he loved me, but he doesn't know what to do. You know after a couple of days, I just thought, well I think that you are addicted to this, what you attach to the feelings for her, you know? I had suspected before that he seemed to have had a "relapse" and even asked him if he thought so too. When I listened to him now, I could just get the gut instinct that he is addicted, especially when he said that the feelings for her filled the hole and that he couldn't break off the contact.
I tried to explain that he is never going to be able to figure out what he wants while he is involved with BOTH of us, I mean how does that work? He seemed like he was in such a fog.
After a few of days of me in agony I just had this moment of clarity and realized that even though I know he is sick, I cannot be with him and cannot keep my sanity while he is involved with her right now. I just can't. Every time I look at him it breaks my heart, and that is our home, our family, our life together. I couldn't stomach the idea of the kids coming back from their dad's house after a weekend visit. They just love my husband to pieces, flaws and all.
So I left. He guessed what I was going to say, except interrupted to say "you want me to leave" and I said, Nope, I can't be here right now while this is going on. (My first husband left 16 years ago to marry his girlfriend) I know what it's like to be in the house and just walk around like the living dead. So right now, I can't be there with him or without him frankly. For the sake of my sanity, I ain't as strong as I was 16 years ago, I just couldn't. I teach first graders, I have 2 kids still at home that need me, and I couldn't pretend like this.
Yesterday he said that what I was saying about relapse was probably right. (I thought, no sh*#) Then he patiently explained to me about the term "dry drunk" and again, my thoughts were "yup". He told me to tell the kids that he was in relapse and to explain about the dry drunk concept. He said I had to do what I had to do to take care of myself. No offers to break things off... no hint of it. Even in the face of all of the consequences.
I left this morning. It broke my heart and my spirit. The kids are staying with their dad tonight. I am staying with another teacher. When he called me tonight about a credit card bill, he sounded wooden and so detached from me, like he has just frozen out any of the good feelings. He isn't like that normally. He said that he wasn't going to a meeting, or to see or talk with his friends from AA. I am scared for him. Scared to death. I know I can't make this happen. I know he is in the throes of his illness. My kids love him and so do I. I pray that he can "fight the good fight".
Was I wrong to leave right now? I know he is sick, but I just couldn't be around him or in our home while he is still involved with her. I just couldn't have a moment of peace.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Only you can decide what is best for you, but my suggestion is to keep it about what is best for you. He will be how he will be, regardless of whether you go back or leave.
I wish I had better suggestions for you, but all I have to offer is my prayers for you and your children, and hope that whatever you choose, it is for you and for them.
Hugs
Ann
I wish I had better suggestions for you, but all I have to offer is my prayers for you and your children, and hope that whatever you choose, it is for you and for them.
Hugs
Ann
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think if you felt compelled to leave, then it was the right thing to do. Being apart from him may help you decide what you want to do next, without him trying to influence your decision. Whatever you decide to do, we're all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
Please heed my advice from the other thread....and be aware of some of the consequences of you 'abandoning' the house. The legal world isn't always fair, and the last thing I want to see if you to get hurt anymore than you already have been.
Please take care.
-pedagogue
Please take care.
-pedagogue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Illinois
Posts: 16
I went home
Thanks Everyone,
I did go back home the next day. I knew I had to think clearly. Just needed to step back I guess. I meet weekly with a counselor and I told her that my gut told me to get away, then my gut also told me to get back because I had to think clearly for the future too.
My kids really were like this rock for me. I told my son, who is 16, that I was sorry this was happening and he just put his hand and my leg and my son said, mom you always give me a good home, no matter what is going on and no matter what, that is my home. That made me feel good to hear. Actually, the kids are more settled at home than they were at their dad's cause they were so worried.
I do have to admit though, getting away for 24 hours sure helped clear my head. I am praying that we all fight the good fight. The prayer really helps, this spiritual blanket is all that I have but I sure do feel it. I still feel like he is not in his right mind now, that I need to take care of myself first, and that I also have to be "heads up" for the sake of myself and the kids.
Tried going to f2f w/Alanon but so far haven't been successful. Last night there was one but I was the only one who showed up! I do them online though, which helps. He is going to AA.
This doesn't feel like one day at a time, it feels more like one step at a time!
I did go back home the next day. I knew I had to think clearly. Just needed to step back I guess. I meet weekly with a counselor and I told her that my gut told me to get away, then my gut also told me to get back because I had to think clearly for the future too.
My kids really were like this rock for me. I told my son, who is 16, that I was sorry this was happening and he just put his hand and my leg and my son said, mom you always give me a good home, no matter what is going on and no matter what, that is my home. That made me feel good to hear. Actually, the kids are more settled at home than they were at their dad's cause they were so worried.
I do have to admit though, getting away for 24 hours sure helped clear my head. I am praying that we all fight the good fight. The prayer really helps, this spiritual blanket is all that I have but I sure do feel it. I still feel like he is not in his right mind now, that I need to take care of myself first, and that I also have to be "heads up" for the sake of myself and the kids.
Tried going to f2f w/Alanon but so far haven't been successful. Last night there was one but I was the only one who showed up! I do them online though, which helps. He is going to AA.
This doesn't feel like one day at a time, it feels more like one step at a time!
Trying Hard to Understand
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Insanity Central
Posts: 5
I hope it worked out for you
I hope it worked out for you. My AH lied to me over and over and over again. I called the other woman and begged her to back off, as she was married and had a child, too. She actually called to tell him that I'd called her, and he came home ANGRY at me. Wow. Unbelievable nerve: I wasn't the one boinking someone elses' husband. I took him back three times.
It's been a year. He's been sober for a year. He's not very much fun anymore, and I feel like I can't even drink a glass of wine because he's 'watching' me and wants to expound AA thoughts to me. I'm not the alcoholic: I enjoy a couple of drinks every now and again. It's annoying as can be.
In any case, I can't get past the sex thing with the other woman. I know she lives nearby and drives a certain type of car, shops in some of the same stores I do and works one building away from him. He's refused to quit his job and I don't trust him one minute of one day of my life. It' s like living in hell and dying a slow death. Why? Because I love him and I keep thinking that I can help him. I don't know how long it can go on, but I should definitely get a prize for stupidity or kindness or trying.
Good luck to you. I hope your heart can heal better than mine has. The pain is every day, every hour and it just won't go away, even though I've been in therapy for a year.
It's been a year. He's been sober for a year. He's not very much fun anymore, and I feel like I can't even drink a glass of wine because he's 'watching' me and wants to expound AA thoughts to me. I'm not the alcoholic: I enjoy a couple of drinks every now and again. It's annoying as can be.
In any case, I can't get past the sex thing with the other woman. I know she lives nearby and drives a certain type of car, shops in some of the same stores I do and works one building away from him. He's refused to quit his job and I don't trust him one minute of one day of my life. It' s like living in hell and dying a slow death. Why? Because I love him and I keep thinking that I can help him. I don't know how long it can go on, but I should definitely get a prize for stupidity or kindness or trying.
Good luck to you. I hope your heart can heal better than mine has. The pain is every day, every hour and it just won't go away, even though I've been in therapy for a year.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
Originally Posted by teach2read
I told my son, who is 16, that I was sorry this was happening and he just put his hand and my leg and my son said, mom you always give me a good home, no matter what is going on and no matter what, that is my home. That made me feel good to hear.
-pedagogue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Our kids can be such a saveing grace. My son who is 15 just walked up and hugged me when I had to tell him that his father had been drinking again and I was going to an Alanon meeting. He gives me my daily hugs and tries to be the best he can. He plays his guitar for me and helps around the house with very little complaint. When I'm in a bad mood he tries to make me smile and he knows if I have had a rough day and tries to be extra kind. Life just wouldn't be the same without him. That is the one good thing to come of all of this crap. My son and I have become much closer.
Hugs to all
Zoe
Hugs to all
Zoe
Trying Hard to Understand
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Insanity Central
Posts: 5
It's hard to know the right thing to do. I have three children and a grandchild. They all live with us. My daughters have asked me, "do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? The answer is no. My mother says, "is this the example you want to set for your daughters?" The answer is no. The question I still have is: When do you stop believing your AH is ill, believing you can and are being of help but knowing that, in your heart, when he's done using you he'll find someone else who didn't know him when he was so messed up and leave you anyway? If there weren't so many kids and so many finances, I'd be far, far, gone. Again, I hope your situation has improved. I thought that my love and courage would pull me past this dark, horrible place, but I can't seem to move forward and it's really scary for me.
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