Does it take long???

Old 04-03-2005, 02:04 PM
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Does it take long???

I have been away from my Abf for almost 3 months now.
Things are going well. I'm healthy and I got another job.

The problem is...I miss him.
Is this self-doubt rising up in me?
I know that I couldn't continue to stay with him.
So, why do I miss him.
I certainly don't miss the abuse, or the neglect, or the drunken rages.
How can I still miss him or is it that I miss having a relationship?

I have been asked out several times, but always by alcoholics.
I don't want to go down that road EVER again.

He told me a couple of months ago that he was going for counseling to deal with his anger. He also said that he was going to start going to church, and was trying to cut down on his drinking.
Because my sister is one of his favorite drinking buddies, I know that he is still drinking and hasn't gone to church yet.

Like I told Former Doormat in her post, I still miss him and sometimes I just want to hear his voice.

Any idea how long this will go on?

Thanks!
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Old 04-03-2005, 02:18 PM
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I wonder that myself. My exABF and I also broke up 3 months ago (on New Years Day) and I still miss him. Sometimes I wonder why I miss him because it's not like we had the perfect relationship. But I also miss all the things that went along with him - his family, his kids, I used to work for him p/t so I miss my co-workers and the customers. I think I sometimes get caught up in all the other things that went along with our relationship (the good things) that I sometimes forget about all the bad things that were there as well. I just found out that his roommate is going to buy his house from him and that really affected me for a couple of days - I guess that I always had this hope in the back of my mind that someday we would get back together and live there happily ever after. But the more I thought about it there really is no happily ever after - with or without the house. My ex did the same thing as yours he told me he barely drinks anymore and he doesn't do drugs, etc etc. However since I live in a small town I run into his friends a lot and I know that he is still drinking a lot and nothing has really changed except for the fact that I am no longer waiting at home for him or wondering where he is or why he chooses beer over me. So I guess there has been a change, a big change, but it is in me, not in him.
Well, I guess I got a little long winded there - sorry about that - I'm not sure how long it takes to get over someone - I just think you have to stay positive and strong and I think (and hope) that the sad feelings will get less and less. Good luck.
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Old 04-03-2005, 04:18 PM
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((((Grace))))
I think it's normal for you to miss him. And there is no time line on grief. I think you're greiving a lot of things right now, loss of the relationship and loss of the dreams that you held for your future with him, etc. There is no time line when you love someone or care for someone, etc. You may always miss him - and maybe you won't. Only time will tell - and there is no set time that may happen.
You wonder why you miss him. Only you can really answer that as well. I know that for me....AH and I have been split up for a little over a year with not a lot of contact. I occassionally still miss him and find myself second-guessing myself. And like you, I have to really wonder what it is that I miss. But I know what things I miss and I know what things I don't miss. And though we may never end up back together, that doesn't change the fact that I'll probably always love him and care about him. So in a way, I'll miss him always - or miss the dreams that I had of our life together or the dreams I had for our future, etc.
All I can suggest is to really focus on yourself. Find yourself some friends to hang out with and new hobbies to throw yourself into. Prove to yourself that you can have a greater life, even a better life, without him than with him! Your life is about YOU now so live it!
By the way - congrats on seeing the alcoholics that have asked you out. I think that's a sure sign of growth for you. A lot of people that don't recover themselves end up repeating the patterns with others. You've broken that cycle and I think you're doing wonderfully!
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Old 04-04-2005, 02:04 AM
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Thank you soo much for your encouraging words and advice.

Of course, like anyone else, I want to have someone to spend the rest of my life with.

I know better than to get involved with another alcoholic. I was notorious for getting out of a relationship with one, and soon ending up with another. It's like getting a snake bite. I just don't get too close to snakes now. I do believe that the cycle is broken, but I do miss the good times that we had together. Unfortunately, the bad times far outweighed the good.

Thanks again for your very wise words.
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Old 04-04-2005, 06:48 AM
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Hi all,

Just an observation. It is normal to miss an ex, alcholic or not. It is a normal thing. SOmetimes though if we are very honest, what we miss is not so much the "ex" but what he/she represented. A relationship. Holding hands with someone, talking late into the night, a little romance etc. Often our memories, do not jive with the reality of what was, we always look at and dream of what could of been.

It is normal to miss someone, to feel lonely etc. Those feelings will pass. But please remember this. YOU DESERVE THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT TO HAVE. You are worthy of it, deserving of it, and it will come. Today? Tomorrow? not sure. But i believe with all my heart it will come.

Its funny im not to old 44, but have really dealt with a lot of loss and heartache over the years. Things do get better. My favorite expression which can be applied to any situation is "and this too shall pass".

SO trust me...(when has a guy ever said that to ya?) you will soon find yourself happy and content and actually it may come as a surprise to you. You stop and say..mm not bad...This sadness or lonliness is temporary. A blip. It to shall pass...........aj
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Old 04-04-2005, 07:36 AM
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(((Grace)))

I'm glad to hear things are going well for you. As ahcb says, this too shall pass.

I've been having a similar disquiet since splitting with my A fiance in December and particularly since moving to my home town 3 weeks ago. I don't know why, because I really can't stand to be around him anymore and my new life has everything going for it.

I think it's the companionship that I miss. My cat goes some way to relieving that and my brother is moving in in a few weeks. Also, I've found an al-anon meeting up here, so that should help. Maybe it's also a reaction to all the turmoil and change of the pasyt few months - looking back I don't know how I coped. Delayed reaction?

Anyway, I'm rambling here. Onwards and upwards, I say.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 04-04-2005, 08:06 AM
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I say give it at least a year. You are working through alot of emotional stuff.

Ngaire
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Old 04-04-2005, 09:38 AM
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It's been 6 months for me and I am finally getting closure. Do I miss my ex? Yes. Am I still in love with him? Yes. Do I deserve better? Yes.

For me - I was still hurting, imaging he was getting healthy without me (oh the terrible places our minds can go!) Two things happened: 1 - I bumped into on the street..He looked horrible. he looked bloated, had gained 20 lbs and if I had met him then for the first time..I would have never thought he was cute. (he's only 31)..

upon hearing his dad was back in the hospital with cancer, I waited a week and called him..I need to make sure of my reasons..

He just HAD to TELL me about his new girlfriend of 4 months..he was in love and they were talking about getting married..

I guess for me that was the final kick in the teeth I needed and made me truely see he was sick and not interested in recovery..

Yes - I still think about him..Yes I still pray for him every day..I hope some day he will get recovery and maybe in this lifetime we can be friends..It isn't going to be today though..

I'm just relieved to be out of the relationship and happy again! I had the best week last week..full of serenity and happiness..

I'm not ready for another relationship..still recovering for this last one..besides don't want to pick yet another alcoholic..someone in recovery would be great..

Anyway, there is no time limit on grief..I'm surprised that I'm doing as well as I am..but I think that the love and support of Alanon is making it easier for me..

Hang in there everyone,

Del
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Old 04-04-2005, 02:00 PM
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It has been almost a year for me....with a few slips on my part here and there. I have not really dated anyone. Im scared to death! I still miss him. I still love him. Some days are WAY better than others. The few times that I have seen him..I think the same thing that Minx said....he isnt all that attractive to me anymore, physically or mentally..If I were to just meet him...I would keep on walking and knowing what I know now...I would run!
I think for me ...I miss the man I fell in love with BEFORE active addiction....and that person is long gone. I miss the man that loved me unconditionally with all my little querks. We had a good thing once upon a time.....thats the hard thing for me.
Hugs
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