harleygirl92156

I Messed Up. Hubby Had An Affair And I Was Sure He Was'nt Telling The "whole" Truth.

I Set Up And Email Account In His Name And Left If Hanging Out There To See If I Could Get A Response. I Had Forgotten About It Until Today. "she" Emailed Him!

I Responded And Ask Her What Happened. She Told Me Everything, Answered All My Questions And Verified That Some Of What He Said Was True But He Left A Lot Out.

He Said They Were Together Once, They Were Together Three Times Over A Eight Or Nine Month Period. He Said It Happened Because He Was Drunk, But He Approched Her And Ask Her If She Wanted To Have An Affair. Other Than That He Is Telling The Truth Pretty Much.

Ok, Do I Tell Him What I Did. I Feel Like I Am As Bad As Him Now. He Is Swearing To Tell The Truth, But I Know He Is Lying. I Told Him Tonight I Know The Truth, But He Thinks I Am Just Saying That And Don't Really, But I Do. I Really Put Myself In A Bad Situation, But I Think It All Needs To Be Put On The Table. I Need To Be Honest With Him To And Let Him Know What Happened And What I Know.

Do I Just Tell Him Or Do I Do It With The Counselors At The Aftercare Program. I Don't Want To Send Him Back To The Bottle. He Has Been Sober Almost Four Months.

I Am Scared Now. I Want To Trust Him, But Know The Truth Is Not Coming Out. What Do I Do. Fess Up Or Keep It To Myself<

best

You are fully human and what you did is something I would do myself...right or wrong, I am sure I would make the same mistake.
Thing is though... you are now thinking about things and looking for correct answers before any possible problems arise from it.

What will be the outcome if you keep it to yourself and accept the truth as he told you to the degree he told you?

You forgave him for the affair yes? Does the number count matter or was it the affair itself that needed be forgiven?

Telling you it only happened once may have been for a few reasons.
Guilt, shame, protection of your feelings. Still not able to fully deal with the truth? Only he would know those reasons or answers and until he is ready or able to deal with them... one lie for any reason will just bring another.

Forgiveness is letting go. Never to bring it up again.

I am thinking the best thing to do would be talk it over With The Counselors, just you and them and ask their advice on it.
Letting it go will free you is my thought.

Oh and you can't send him back to the bottle. That would be his choice no matter what you do or don't do. You couldn't stop him, you can't make him start again either.

osier59

Well, only you know if you can forgive him. What's done is done... and either you guys are working on fixing your relationship or just putting bandaids on a really big problem that cannot be solved. He did what he did, and whether it was one time or 3x or whatever, it happened. You have to decide if it's worth working on or fixing...

I hope you can find your answers. Knowing more details wont' change the facts and it may cause you more pain. Just know that you can work on your own healing and he can work on his, and perhaps you can come back together stronger as a result of the struggle.

hugs and Love
Barb

walkingtheline

I'm not sure you can rely on her word. Are you sure she's absolutely honest or could it be she's enjoying jerking your chain?

Because of my reluctance to believe she's snow white and her word is gospel, if it were me, I'd be quiet. I'd also get rid of that email forever and ever and try to focus on my own healing and vow to walk on the side of honesty and aboveboardness...that may not be a real word but I think you get the idea.

No scoldings here. Quite often I find myself being both Laurel and Hardy..."another fine mess you've gotten us in!"

There are many people here with much more wisdom than I...I just know that is how I would react.

I wish you the best regardless what you decide is best for you.

bluester

harleygirl92156,like some one else said..you are human. You don't need scolding..you need a big hug (((((((((harleygirl92156)))))))))))).
Think Best had the best idea,"I am thinking the best thing to do would be talk it over With The Counselors, just you and them and ask their advice on it".
Know you are scare and not sure what to do. I would be the same way. Think I would have alot of hurt and anger to deal with. Keeping it to yourself will probably make it worse in the long run.
I have read of husbands having affairs on here in the past posts. Maybe they could give you some ideas as to how to handle this stituation.
Good luck on whatever choice you make. Keep posting and let everyone know how the stituation is going.

CatsTail

You should probably get some counselling on it before deciding what to do.

Knowing more facts about it doesn't change anything it just happened whether it's once or 3 times. And also his perception of it could be much different than hers and he could have been downplaying to spare your feelings who knows what he was doing.

It sounds to me it would be more healing and productive for you to get yourself some counselling about it and help yourself heal never mind him.

It's you who needs to heal.

Ngaire

harleygirl92156

ok, the affair is not the issue. i have worked through and accepted the affair. it is something i can't change. the temptation to ask was to great and i did.

THE ISSUE IS HONESTY IN OUR MARRIAGE. HIM TELLING ME IT WAS A ONE TIME "ACCIDENT" BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK AND THAT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW THEY HOOKED UP BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. THESE TWO THINGS ARE NOT TRUE. HE TALKED TO HER AT WORK, SOBER, APPROCHED HER AND ASK HER IF SHE WANTED TO MESS AROUND AT WORK, SOBER, INVITED HER OUT ONE NIGHT TO THE BAR WITH HIM AFTER WORK, SOBER.

IT IS THE "LIES" NOT THE AFFAIR. I WANT TO MOVE ON WITH THE MARRIAGE, BUT HOW CAN I MOVE ON IF HE IS STILL LYING LIKE HE WAS WHEN HE DRANK. I UNDERSTAND THAT HE THINKS HE IS PROTECTING ME, BUT HE HAS ALREADY HURT ME BEYOND BELIEF AND THIS ONLY COMPOUNDS IT. I JUST WANT "HIM" TO TELL ME THE TRUTH SO I KNOW I CAN TRUST HIM. IF HE DOESN'T, I WILL DOUBT EVERYTHING HE SAYS JUST LIKE THE PAST SIX YEARS. I DON'T WANT THAT FOR MY MARRIAGE.

I BELIEVE HER BECAUSE WHAT SHE TOLD ME ALL MATCHES WHAT HE TOLD ME, HE JUST LEFT A FEW THINGS OUT. NOTHING THAT HE TOLD ME DIFFERED FROM WHAT SHE SAID AT ALL. I UNFORTUNATELY DO BELIEVE HER, BUT THEN AS FAR AS I KNOW SHE HAS NEVER LIED TO ME, HE HAS.

best

I think you posted your own answer. Share what you posted with him. Tell him your thoughts and feelings as you posted them here.
Thing is though... you may get what you ask for and both of them may not be telling the whole story.
I have a wife that is as forgiving as you. I hope he sees just how wonderful and loving you are and how blessed he is to have some one like you.

dax

Well as the wife of a long time sober man who cheated and continued to lie. I say- You did absolutly nothing wrong. It was smart thing to do. If you feel like I do- I do not want my husband thinking he can lie and have no consequences for it.
Having lived the alanon way for many years, never questioning at all what my husband was doing and doing my own thing. This enabled him to have an affair for many years. We also drifted farther apart because alanon stressed-no interference with his sobriety.I think he is one of these that is addicted to the program;he has a puffed up image of himself as the great AA counselor. I think that the alanon concept is good as long as there is some balance. You need to know at least generally what your husband is doing.
My advice would be to let him know you have talked to the women. If you feel you can get over it , tell him so. Then do some checking on him for a while until youi feel secure. alcoholics and cheater lie. Yeah to cover their butt- not to save you from hurt. There is never excuse to lie. Really it is best to judge him on what he does from now on. dax

Mich

Dont beat yourself up....you didnt mess up. Wrong or right I would have done something like that too.
I want to say...(maybe it has already been said, I didnt read everything, sorry) Addiction is a disease that runs deep. Addicts/alcoholics dont stop or start all bad behaviors just because they are drunk or high.
IMO I think it is sad but, very common for the A's to seek out someone that doesnt really know them...so they can feel better about themselves. They are sick, not because they are drunk but, because they are an alcoholic/addict and need RECOVERY.
Cheating is cheating...It's been done....If you are committed to trying to work it out ... use the therapists....be honest...and see where it leads you. This is your recovery too. If he want to start drinking again, he will. You have no control over that. You only have control over you and your life.
I want you to know that I DO understand your pain.
Hugs
Michelle

JessicaNAJ

I would ask him to tell you one more time what happened. Tell him you have come across some information that leads you to believe he has not been honest. See if he comes clean on the additional information you gained. Let him know ahead of time that you don't want him to hold anything back to "protect your feelings". That you need to know the truth and the whole truth so there is not shred of doubt in your mind that he is wanted to change and be completely honest with you.

I also believe that honesty is the best policy. I can handle the truth more than I can handle a lie. I know my AH has lied to me on a number of occassions. Although I've not caught him in any lately, I'm sure he will lie to me again. I have a huge trust issue with him. He has to earn my trust back.

((((((()))))))

Good luck to you!!

gelfling

I wonder if the chickie is telling the truth. She's going to cover her butt too. But this is something that's been bothering you for a while and it's done and over. Have no regrets. Take it from here and do what you think must be done to help get over the feelings you're having about him lying to you. If that means confronting him, do it. You have to do what is going to help you.

Maybe this is the thing that will get you over the hump and you can learn to trust him again.

Blessings

Paulie

Honesty starts with us. If you want honesty from someone else, you have to be honest with them. Hiding what you did (right or wrong) in my opinion is not right. You know the old saying '2 wrongs don't make a right'.

I would tell him what you did, what she said, and most important tell him what you posted about the honesty and not trusting him since he did not tell you the truth even if it was to spare your feelings.

And then I would suggest also some kind of counseling for you as was already suggested. Alot of anger comes with the hurt and you need to work through that to take care of you.

divadawn

(((((Harleygirl))))))
Honesty and trust is a huge thing for me too. I have discovered in me that in order to trust I have to learn to trust myself and once I can trust myself I can learn to trust again. Maybe this is the issue with yourself and hubby. He needs to earn your trust, learn to trust himself and be honest with himself before he can do this with you. It may take time as he is newly into his recovery.
I have to give you alot of credit for your forgiving him as I know already I would never be able to... My Ah has always told me what I don't know will never hurt me and it gives me such an uneasy feeling and every reason not to trust him and with time and effort I learned to trust myself and in time I began to trust him.

Huggs to you, You did nothing wrong and should not beat yourself up over it.

elizabeth1979

You sound alot like a good friend of mine...and my question to her is always...why do you need to know if you are not going to do anything about it? I am not scolding, really I promise. But, I know that for me, there were things I just didnt ask, bc it would have made no real difference in whether I stayed in the relationship...bc I was not ready to let him go.
Honey, this may be...but he is protecting himself primarily. I have been cheated on and as much as I hate to admit it, I have cheated in past relationships... If the cheater REALLY cares about the other person, they fess up and want to get it out..bc they feel remorse and want forgiveness. Alcoholics do not live their life to protect others...they just don't. Why do you think he would be protecting you now if ...

I feel for you and know how it feels to be cheated on...such a violation of emotions. I hope you dont think I am scolding, just hope you are able to get to the bottom of things for YOURSELF.

clyde

When I met my husband he was still married but asstranged from his wife. He was away at college in a dorm do I had no reason to suspect he was married. She used to call all the time and he would dodge the calls. He said she was just a crazy ex girlfriend. A huge lie. Well I started taking the calls because it seemed as though he was hiding something. She would tell me stories of how he had been with her after we had started dating and times they spent together. Her facts seemed to match with some of the suspicions I had and when i asked him about spending time with her he admitted it but claimed it was because he missed her kids and had promised them he would see them. The way she screwed up though is that her facts did not always match his. Some times she would claim she was with him when he was with me and for that reason she lost all credibility. Even though my husband has told more than his share of lies, I know he was never with her after we were together. I made him stop dodging her calls and listened in on every one of them. I lived in his dorm room so I know i got them all. I know it was over before we met and she just would not let go.

Bottom line you were right to check up on him but that does not mean she is telling the truth. She may have a vested interest in seeing you guys tank. She may still want your man. Trust your gut and try not to approach him with venom even if you think he is lying because he may just not be.

harleygirl92156

I told the truth, he fessed and she did tell the truth. He says he feels better it is out. I feel closure now. BUT, now the hard part, trust in the future.

He isn't drinking so that makes it 50% better.

Thanks for all the input. It was helpful. I couldn't stand it, had to fess up. Wish he was more like that....took him six weeks and HARD evidence. Course that makes one wonder what else is out there that I have no HARD evidence on.
Guess we will be making a trip to the mc for some time to come. Have to help and I figure out the why of it so we can take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again on EITHER side of our relationship.
Thanks Again

escape artist

harleygirl I would ask myself what is MY motive to have to know the truth about his infidelity. If he was drunk we all know they have no fidelity other than to their addiction. So why would anyone want to beat themselves up finding out the details to his deception. If you choose to trust him then you probably need to decide that you will trust him. Counseling might help you work through your trust issues.

queenofthehwy

I was very hesitant about posting this, but I think it might help you.
I cheated. We got back together, he took me back.
He has not forgiven me, he does not trust me, he is paranoid and suspicious of everything I do.
Think about this if you are not able to fully forgive him and start to trust him again, it's not going to be a good relationship.

harleygirl92156

We just sat down and had a two and a half hour talk. He was forth coming with all details and very honest. We talked about our relationship and the fact that we need to get to the bottom of why. We will be seeking the assistance of a counselor Monday. We both love each other and want to be together and get through this. It is much easier to start moving toward forgiveness and trust now. I didn't get the "details" of the actual act, but he would have told me if I hadn't stopped him. Now that is just a little too much honesty. I just wanted the basic facts and he gave them.

I just wish he would have done this weeks ago and saved us both a lot of grief. He says he wishes he had too, but we can't go back and do it over and I believe for some reason God wanted it to go this way. Maybe we had to go through this to realize what we mean to each other.

I think we might just make it now. This was the only junk from the past that was sitting between us and now it is cleared up and I have closure.

Thanks for all the suggestions and replies etc. They were helpful and gave me the courage to fess up. He actually said he was glad I did it because now I know he is telling the truth because their stories are the same. I thought he would be PISSED, but he was happy. We just don't know, all I know is we have to do the right thing and take the consequences and they are hardly ever what we EXPECT them to be.

God bless all