I Messed Up Bad...need Good Advice Not Scolding Please
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
(((((harleygirl))))))
Sounds wonderful...I am so glad you both came clean and the truth is out there. Now you have a new beginning.
Your post gave me chills....it's a good thing
Sounds wonderful...I am so glad you both came clean and the truth is out there. Now you have a new beginning.
Your post gave me chills....it's a good thing
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I'm really happy for you. With your counselling starting Monday, hopefully, this will be the beginning of a new life for the two of you. It is my hope and prayer that it will be.
Clean slate......
((((((((((((((((harley)))))))))))))))
Clean slate......
((((((((((((((((harley)))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
I did the same thing you did, harleygirl. Only, he's not my husband, he's my AB.
It's the lies that kill me.
He got physical with me one night. I wanted to leave his apartment and he didn't want me to, so he grabbed my arms to get me to stay and when I got up out of the chair, he "sat" me back down with his arm. That freaked me out. But, not half as badly as when I found out through his sister that he had treated two other women in the past like that, also.
I've asked him about this and he admits to the one, but says the other girl and he had a one night stand 6 years ago and that he "can't remember being physically harmful to her in any way. She enjoyed it. She came after me!"
I asked him again recently to tell me the truth about that one because I had the gut feeling that he wasn't telling me the whole truth and blaming it on the girl. "Well, what I can remember.......we were both drunk ....." ( I felt a "and I really don't remember anything about that night" coming out of him, so that he didn't have to admit anything, but blame it on the two of them being drunk) and then he dropped the subject quickly.
SO.....I felt that I needed to know for my own safety and to see if this has been a repetitive pattern in his life with women. I emailed the girl and asked her.
I just did that today (before even reading this topic), so I haven't heard from her back, yet. I hope I do. I would really like to know the truth for once and for all. It's not that he slept with her......that happened 6 yrs ago ....before he and I started dating. It's the lies that he's telling me NOW that I wanna know about and also the being physically controlling.
I'll see if she writes back. If she tells me he was rough with her, I'll believe her because she, the other girl and myself all THREE can't be lying. Then, I'll know for sure and I won't feel guilty for asking the question.
Don't feel badly for that, harleygirl! You needed answers....we all do. We just want the truth and hope and pray it comes outta our spouse/boyfriend's mouth instead of someone else's.
(((((HUGS))))))
It's the lies that kill me.
He got physical with me one night. I wanted to leave his apartment and he didn't want me to, so he grabbed my arms to get me to stay and when I got up out of the chair, he "sat" me back down with his arm. That freaked me out. But, not half as badly as when I found out through his sister that he had treated two other women in the past like that, also.
I've asked him about this and he admits to the one, but says the other girl and he had a one night stand 6 years ago and that he "can't remember being physically harmful to her in any way. She enjoyed it. She came after me!"
I asked him again recently to tell me the truth about that one because I had the gut feeling that he wasn't telling me the whole truth and blaming it on the girl. "Well, what I can remember.......we were both drunk ....." ( I felt a "and I really don't remember anything about that night" coming out of him, so that he didn't have to admit anything, but blame it on the two of them being drunk) and then he dropped the subject quickly.
SO.....I felt that I needed to know for my own safety and to see if this has been a repetitive pattern in his life with women. I emailed the girl and asked her.
I just did that today (before even reading this topic), so I haven't heard from her back, yet. I hope I do. I would really like to know the truth for once and for all. It's not that he slept with her......that happened 6 yrs ago ....before he and I started dating. It's the lies that he's telling me NOW that I wanna know about and also the being physically controlling.
I'll see if she writes back. If she tells me he was rough with her, I'll believe her because she, the other girl and myself all THREE can't be lying. Then, I'll know for sure and I won't feel guilty for asking the question.
Don't feel badly for that, harleygirl! You needed answers....we all do. We just want the truth and hope and pray it comes outta our spouse/boyfriend's mouth instead of someone else's.
(((((HUGS))))))
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I think the general thinking is that we shouldn't snoop to find out about our A's drinking because it's focusing so much time on them and taking away from our own recovery. Oftentimes when we are searching for the proof of their drinking it's more a validation to ourselves that we were right. Hence, lessoning those feelings that we may have concerning our sanity or lack thereof.
But, it's my opinion, that when it comes to something like an affair or that of physical assault or something that truly can hurt you physically and put your life in danger, that really doesn't go with my thoughts of the no snooping rule.
While it's sad that you had to go to such lengths to find out the truth as far as the affair is concerned, etc. it's something that you really needed to do to protect yourself.
Hopefully now, the truth really is out and you can know the facts and the possibilities of what you face. Though no one likes to hear it, I'd still suggest you get tested for STD's so that you can rest in peace in knowing that you were not harmed in an even more worse way than a broken heart.
Good luck with your counseling session. I hope that the two of you can find the answers to why he cheated as that is so important to rebuilding a marriage. And I hope that things work out for the two of you and you end up with a stronger marriage than you had before. Keep working on your recovery though - don't allow everything to be about him!
But, it's my opinion, that when it comes to something like an affair or that of physical assault or something that truly can hurt you physically and put your life in danger, that really doesn't go with my thoughts of the no snooping rule.
While it's sad that you had to go to such lengths to find out the truth as far as the affair is concerned, etc. it's something that you really needed to do to protect yourself.
Hopefully now, the truth really is out and you can know the facts and the possibilities of what you face. Though no one likes to hear it, I'd still suggest you get tested for STD's so that you can rest in peace in knowing that you were not harmed in an even more worse way than a broken heart.
Good luck with your counseling session. I hope that the two of you can find the answers to why he cheated as that is so important to rebuilding a marriage. And I hope that things work out for the two of you and you end up with a stronger marriage than you had before. Keep working on your recovery though - don't allow everything to be about him!
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