Please help! im new!

Old 03-31-2005, 08:54 PM
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Please help! im new!

Hi everyone. I am new to the board and have quite a story. Don't know who to talk to about it. My fiance and I have been together for 7 years. When I first met him I was 24 and he was 23. He was into the rave scene and like to do the exstacy drug. At first I didnt put my foot down but eventually it bothered me so much I asked him to choose between me and the drug. He said of course he would pick me and that was done. So as a few years progressed he really grew up, went to school and learned his trade, we got an apartment and he got a great job. About halfway through the 7 years, I learned that he was "once in a blue moon" using exstacy again. I was pretty furious and expressed my sadness about him doing it even only once. He told me he would stop again. Then a year later I caught him again because I found the drug in a little tin box in his drawer. At that time he told me that he had been using it for awhile because he was depressed but not about me. He said he had wanted to be further along in his career and was stressed so did it once in awhile to ease his pain. He cried and got down on his knees saying sorry and he would never do it again. Ok which leads me to now which is a year after that. Its important you know that we both work in the nightclub industry in a band. Together we drive to shows, play in our band and have a great time. We both drink but socially. I had noticed that HIS drinking however has gotten really excessive over the last 6 months and he is usually "wasted" by the end of the night. However, alot of our friends that come see the band and even myself drink and i never thought anything about it. 2 days ago I had his cell phone cause i lost mine. I noticed it was full and decided to go into it to clear out some of the messages. Several messages indicated drug use and exchanges being done on the phone. When approaching him, I just figured he lied again and had done exctasy again. Well he said he couldnt lie anymore and needed to tell me something. He came home from work announcing he was an alcoholic and has been using cocaine and crystal almost every weekend behind my back. He was crying really bad and said he admits now he is an addict and would do anything to save us. Keep in mind...our wedding is planned and paid for and happening in only 1 month from now!!!! We happened to have a show the next night and he drank water all night and stayed by my side almost the entire time telling me how much he loves me and cant lose me. Tonight HE decided to go to a AA meeting and brought me along. I was so proud of him cause this was his idea. He was excited when we left and said he feel ready to accept his addiction and get through it for us and most of all himself! My questions are...am i crazy to stay???? How do i get through this with all the anger i have and the betrayal he has done to me??? Please help...I love him and our wedding is practically tommorow!
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Old 03-31-2005, 09:36 PM
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Welcome to SR. Hope you have read lots of posts to see what others have gone through. Are you having a big wedding or might it be easy to postpone????
Sometimes it takes lots of trys before they can stay sober. Always exceptions, but most do have trouble.
One plus is that he has walked through the doors of AA.
I just wanted to say welcome and just wish you had time for lots of reading, and Al-Anon meetings. Best to you both clancy46
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Old 04-01-2005, 08:52 AM
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Hi Rockerychicky- welcome to SR - hopefully like Clancy46 said you are reading a lot. All I can say is that I feel for you - my ABF has run the gammut of drugs, using for a year or so, daily, and quit them successfully on his own each time. Alcohol is the longenst, latest and toughest. He also has said that he's quitting to keep me in his life - that is his primary reason (other than pancreatitis - quite painful), and I'll tell you that is makes me nervous. It's heady and flattering, but, I'm unsure where our relationship will end up at this point, and I'd really like to see him do this for himself - I think that is the only way he will be successful.

About the wedding, I'm sincerely sorry about the timing, but you'll have to own up to any doubts you now have about your ability to stay together. I do not envy your position. Maybe try to go to a couple of pre-marital counseling sessions this next week, and at least talk it all out toether and with a professional.

Good luck to you both - keep posting and reading, try al-anon.
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Old 04-01-2005, 09:10 AM
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Welcome. Comming here is a great start for yourself!!! Sounds like your boyfriend/ soon to be husband is taking the first steps for his recovery and for him to want it for himself is huge. Reading and understanding the disease will help you. Have you looked into Al-anon or Na-anon? Both are based on the 12 steps of AA. Going to the AA meeting with him was great and I hope you benifited from it as well as your A.
On the Na-anon board the steps explained is posted and I myself have found it helpful.

I hope you keep comming back
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Old 04-01-2005, 09:31 AM
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Lightbulb Please Seek Help And Wait.............

Look- we are about the same age.....Except I married mine when you met yours...I am now WISHING I had called it off.........
I was ONE month from the big planned wedding when I got a lot of warning signs that I ignored.......The drugs you have found and the secrets you have exposed are to be used for your benefit.......This website you JUST found- Please, realize these are SIGNS to help you SEE what you need to SEE........
Know anyone married to a former addict or alcoholic.............it sucks for a long time and may or may not EVER be over...
I was afraid to call my wedding off- I was too embarrassed- and I WANTED THE BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.............now,as I look back, I shake my head and think what a fool I was.......ALL the signs were there and I ignored them- NOW, this is my life- this is my story- I married someone with serious drug/drinking problems and my energies are now all spent trying to "Make the best of it" -"find happiness elsewhere"-do all I can to prevent my young kids from turning out like him- being raised by an addict-isnt fair to them-
Of course we have never met, I dont know you or the whole deal- but when I read this.....my computer froze up and I was like- whatever- I will sign back on and give this girl some thoughts to chew on-no way would I just sit back and watch you feel this alone-
It is your call- but seriously, I would put that wedding, beautiful as it may be, ON HOLD.................wait a year- see if things are the same or better- its been 7 yrs whats one more.........maybe God is trying to tell you something-
I had already mailed the invites.........As I walked down the aisle, I knew I shouldnt do it.........my heart knew it wasnt what I dreamed it would be-
But I didnt have the courage to wait and see- I jumped in anyway- and I will spend the rest of my life trying to let go of how much it hurts to live with this type of regret.........I mean, he is sicker now not better-
And if that is not enough- I have 2 friends- close friends- good people- married to guys who "promised" to stop once they got married-it lasted a while but now they are starting to see their spouses got back on drugs and hid it- the discoveries for them are just now unfolding-luckily, one of them doesnt have kids yet-
I heard thru the grapevine that a guy we all partied with in our early 20s just went to bed one night last week, he died in his sleep -(he O.D.'ed on oxycotin which I know nothing about but it is a pill drug)- he was 31...........6 months ago, Another cute guy from school who was a CPA now, nice house, wife 2 kids-age 29-busted for selling/buying extasy-got whisped away to jail for a few years..............
Drugs like cocaine and extasy are no joke- please see a counselor and tell ALL-BEFORE you agree for BETTER or WORSE................
By the way, I never really got into drugs much, but I partied and alot of people I knew did drugs-alot of the girls straightened up to have babies, alot of the guys have gotten WORSE.
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Old 04-01-2005, 09:41 AM
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Hooray for you Sarah for opening up your heart and letting us know what it's been like for you.

It's a shame the wisdom comes at such a late date. I hope that rocker will take into account all you've said knowing it comes from someone who has and is living with it now.
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Old 04-01-2005, 10:47 AM
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Welcome Rockerchicky! My recent ex A is a musician as well..First it was fun, hanging out, having fun..I loved his music, love him as well..we talked about marriage kids ..all that fun stuff. Started to realize that he was drinking every weekend and that he would choose drinking over spending time with me..We had an on again off again relationship..he would cut back on his drinking, stopped smoking pot, but started up again.

Long story short - he said he had a drinking problem (this was June 2004); I decided to go to Alanon In July, he broke up with me 2 months later. He went back into denial about the drinking and drugs ..now he is with another musician, still drinking (20 lbs heavier) and is in "love and talking about getting married" after dating her for 4 months..his disease is progressing..he's only 31..

I on the other hand am happier today then I have been in a long time..AlAnon has been wonderful for me..I have been in recovery for 8 months and will continue probably for the rest of my life..

There are no guarantees that he is going to get sober..My ex A promised me the sun and the moon but his actions did not match up..

I am grateful today that I am not with him because if I was - I would not be in a happy place..all the lies, the deception, chaos etc..

If he got and stayed sober that would be one thing..

So..I think what Sarah13 had to say is wise..it might be best to postpone the wedding until he gets some recovery.

Please consider going to AlAnon for your own sobriety..Just because he stops doing drugs and alcohol does make the problems go away.

Hugs,

minx
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Old 04-01-2005, 02:15 PM
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RC - I married my AH without even knowing he had a drinking problem. We've been married for 2.5 years and my AH has been sober for almost 4 months. Whatever decision you make, know what you are getting into (or saving yourself from). Without even realizing it, I allowed the alcoholism to change me into someone I didn't even recognize (a codependent). It's been an incredibly painful saga - much of which I have shared on this website. It's getting better, but it is still really difficult. Now, instead of putting alcohol before me, he's putting his recovery before me. It's tough playing second fiddle throughout your entire marriage, even if that is what it takes to keep him sober. Make an informed decision. Calling off your wedding is better than calling off your marriage - or worse yet, calling off your life.
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Old 04-01-2005, 02:41 PM
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Calling off your wedding is better than calling off your marriage - or worse yet, calling off your life.
Very good point!!
Like Sarah I ignored so many warning signs I should have ran far far away!! I didn't I was afraid, not sure of what but I was.
Now 13 years, 3 kids later, I wish I would have ran!!! If you are having doubts please trust your gut!!!
Don't wait until he has hurt you so badly you can't stand the site of him. Don't wait until you have kids and are basically a single parent. Don't wait until he drives drunk with your kids in the car. Don't wait until he gets locked up and calls for you to come bail him out.
I have no way of knowing if any of these things will happen to you, but they happened to me and I wish I wouldn't have waited.
Anyway welcome to SR!!!
Mindi
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