I just took 200 steps BACK!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
I just took 200 steps BACK!
Well, I've sat here for an hour debating on what exactly to say here, I actually thought about you all over the weekend and wondered what I would say. I feel like I have to be honest, if I am not I will never recover from this.
Yesterday morning my X-A was at his mothers, his brother called me to tell me this. Our daughter has really had a time lately about missing him. I on the other hand as you all know have been doing well. I get up get me and my daughter ready, we head over there.
He wakes up and is very glad to see our daughter. He was unsure of my attitude and was quiet around me, I was sociable with his mother and family, and allowed my daughter to visit. At least it was in a controlled environment and things were going ok.
I was walking out to my car a couple hours later, and my x-A came out and asked me how I was doing, etc. I turned around and looked at him he had tears in his eyes. He told me how much he was missing his daughter and her smile. Then he also told me how much he missed me, and how crazy life is. I was quiet and walked back in the house.
We were alone again sometime later, It ended up being a good visit with his family, as my daughter and I have not been around for close to 4 weeks now. I have felt like distant would be good.
When we were alone again, we started talking, he said things I never heard him say before. Things like, until he knew another man was around he didnt realize about all the things he had done and what he had lost, his family. He said it has made him crazy.
He said at times he feels like picking up the phone and telling me to come take him away.
He told me he cherished me, and nobody in this world could take my place, and that it hurts him really bad to know that he has lost me, and that it was his fault.
That is alot to stomach, alot to take in coming from him, it is extremly unlike him to say any of what he said.
I began to cry, got very upset, and felt very weak. You all, it still does hurt really bad. I remember all he did, I love the person he was yesterday, that is who I fell in love with. I can't replace him or my love for him with someone else right now, I know that. And I need to heal. I know this too.....
So somebody please tell me why I wound up with him, driving to Memphis, having the time of my life with him, and I do mean, I had the best time with him almost that we ever had in 9 years of marriage????? We toured, we danced, we talked for hours, and enjoyed each other. He didnt use, and barely drank 1 beer. We came back late today, and driving home, I started thinking, I do know that was only 1 24 hour time span I spent with him. I know he is still an A. I just wish this weekend could have lasted forever. It hurts so bad.
So, I and our daughter came home, he tells me he still wants our dreams we had to come true. I wish that too. I didnt want to say goodbye to him this evening, I was upset. It was hard. I know he will go back to the other city with the other woman, and probobaly use again, I am sure. He tells me he wants to come home soon. In some ways, I wish he would.
I am not ashamed of what I did, just dissapointed in myself. I have come so far, or so I thought. I truly feel like I am back at square one. I don't know what to do, if I did this, would I take him back?
Needless to say, I am exahusted, mentally,emotionally, and physically. Got to work tomorrow. Have lots on my mind.
I really need you guys on this. I truly can't beleive myself.
Yesterday morning my X-A was at his mothers, his brother called me to tell me this. Our daughter has really had a time lately about missing him. I on the other hand as you all know have been doing well. I get up get me and my daughter ready, we head over there.
He wakes up and is very glad to see our daughter. He was unsure of my attitude and was quiet around me, I was sociable with his mother and family, and allowed my daughter to visit. At least it was in a controlled environment and things were going ok.
I was walking out to my car a couple hours later, and my x-A came out and asked me how I was doing, etc. I turned around and looked at him he had tears in his eyes. He told me how much he was missing his daughter and her smile. Then he also told me how much he missed me, and how crazy life is. I was quiet and walked back in the house.
We were alone again sometime later, It ended up being a good visit with his family, as my daughter and I have not been around for close to 4 weeks now. I have felt like distant would be good.
When we were alone again, we started talking, he said things I never heard him say before. Things like, until he knew another man was around he didnt realize about all the things he had done and what he had lost, his family. He said it has made him crazy.
He said at times he feels like picking up the phone and telling me to come take him away.
He told me he cherished me, and nobody in this world could take my place, and that it hurts him really bad to know that he has lost me, and that it was his fault.
That is alot to stomach, alot to take in coming from him, it is extremly unlike him to say any of what he said.
I began to cry, got very upset, and felt very weak. You all, it still does hurt really bad. I remember all he did, I love the person he was yesterday, that is who I fell in love with. I can't replace him or my love for him with someone else right now, I know that. And I need to heal. I know this too.....
So somebody please tell me why I wound up with him, driving to Memphis, having the time of my life with him, and I do mean, I had the best time with him almost that we ever had in 9 years of marriage????? We toured, we danced, we talked for hours, and enjoyed each other. He didnt use, and barely drank 1 beer. We came back late today, and driving home, I started thinking, I do know that was only 1 24 hour time span I spent with him. I know he is still an A. I just wish this weekend could have lasted forever. It hurts so bad.
So, I and our daughter came home, he tells me he still wants our dreams we had to come true. I wish that too. I didnt want to say goodbye to him this evening, I was upset. It was hard. I know he will go back to the other city with the other woman, and probobaly use again, I am sure. He tells me he wants to come home soon. In some ways, I wish he would.
I am not ashamed of what I did, just dissapointed in myself. I have come so far, or so I thought. I truly feel like I am back at square one. I don't know what to do, if I did this, would I take him back?
Needless to say, I am exahusted, mentally,emotionally, and physically. Got to work tomorrow. Have lots on my mind.
I really need you guys on this. I truly can't beleive myself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Bonbon
Sometimes we just do what we need to do at the time - there is no right or wrong in this. And if it turns out to be wrong, we don't beat ourselves up, we just learn from it and move on. It is all part of our recovery.
Take time now to just be with yourself and let the healing continue. You saw the man you used to know, and the man you wished he could be today. If he is truly that man, he will work on his recovery and give you both lots of time. If he is not, and goes back to continue his A life, then you know it was just a brief moment.
You have been very vulnerable, emotionally, this past while. And my guess is that you feel the need for a loving relationship, but that just can't happen until you heal and love yourself first. That is when the pain will stop..oh a few scars will always remain, but you will be stronger and balanced and ready when the time is right.
And don't ever worry about what to say here...tell it like it is. This is one place where you do not have to hide your true feelings and where you do not have to be perfect in any way. None of us are.
Just know that we love you and care.
Sometimes we just do what we need to do at the time - there is no right or wrong in this. And if it turns out to be wrong, we don't beat ourselves up, we just learn from it and move on. It is all part of our recovery.
Take time now to just be with yourself and let the healing continue. You saw the man you used to know, and the man you wished he could be today. If he is truly that man, he will work on his recovery and give you both lots of time. If he is not, and goes back to continue his A life, then you know it was just a brief moment.
You have been very vulnerable, emotionally, this past while. And my guess is that you feel the need for a loving relationship, but that just can't happen until you heal and love yourself first. That is when the pain will stop..oh a few scars will always remain, but you will be stronger and balanced and ready when the time is right.
And don't ever worry about what to say here...tell it like it is. This is one place where you do not have to hide your true feelings and where you do not have to be perfect in any way. None of us are.
Just know that we love you and care.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Bonbon,
You can always be honest here. We aren't here to judge you. We are all here for the same reason. I would say that fantacy took you on a wonderful weekend, but reality still exists and it will again come crashing down on you. Nothing has changed. There has been no recovery. He was on his very best behavior which is easy to do for 24 hours. He may have meant every word he said, but without recovery he will not be able to stay that way.
The cycle of abuse follows this pattern:
I wish that there could be a wonderful happy ending to this, but nothing changes if nothing changes. It may be possible that he does eventually change, but it doesn't seem that he has done what is necessary yet.
We all love you here and I've been through what you are going through many times. Now I can look back and wish I had learned faster, but I couldn't. I do know that there were no happy endings and I wasted a lot of years waiting for what never happened.
Don't look at what might be, look at what is. Live your life from that reality. You'll know when he is in recovery.
Like Ann said. Learn to love yourself and learn to be comfortable with who you are. It hurts and it's hard, but the reward is great.
We'll all accept you no matter what you do.
Hugs,
MG
You can always be honest here. We aren't here to judge you. We are all here for the same reason. I would say that fantacy took you on a wonderful weekend, but reality still exists and it will again come crashing down on you. Nothing has changed. There has been no recovery. He was on his very best behavior which is easy to do for 24 hours. He may have meant every word he said, but without recovery he will not be able to stay that way.
The cycle of abuse follows this pattern:
De-escalation
In the de-escalation phase, batterers often apologize, promise to not repeat the abusive behavior, give gifts, or express a desire for sexual intimacy. For batterers, this “making up” behavior may help them ease any genuine feelings of guilt they may have. In addition, batterers may use these behaviors as a way to manipulate their partners’ emotions— to give victims hope that the battering won’t happen again. This can help batterers avoid negative consequences of their abuse.
In the de-escalation phase, batterers often apologize, promise to not repeat the abusive behavior, give gifts, or express a desire for sexual intimacy. For batterers, this “making up” behavior may help them ease any genuine feelings of guilt they may have. In addition, batterers may use these behaviors as a way to manipulate their partners’ emotions— to give victims hope that the battering won’t happen again. This can help batterers avoid negative consequences of their abuse.
We all love you here and I've been through what you are going through many times. Now I can look back and wish I had learned faster, but I couldn't. I do know that there were no happy endings and I wasted a lot of years waiting for what never happened.
Don't look at what might be, look at what is. Live your life from that reality. You'll know when he is in recovery.
Like Ann said. Learn to love yourself and learn to be comfortable with who you are. It hurts and it's hard, but the reward is great.
We'll all accept you no matter what you do.
Hugs,
MG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
(((((Bonbon))))))
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just turn back time? It sounds like he is wishing just like you that he could go back to when life was good. But it doesn't work that way. You can spend sometime up on that cloud but you will have to climb down and I know you know that.
His actions (not his words) will tell you all you need to know in the coming months. Proceed with caution...
Hugs,
JT
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just turn back time? It sounds like he is wishing just like you that he could go back to when life was good. But it doesn't work that way. You can spend sometime up on that cloud but you will have to climb down and I know you know that.
His actions (not his words) will tell you all you need to know in the coming months. Proceed with caution...
Hugs,
JT
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
******{Bonbon}}}}
I know sometimes I wish things with my A were like they were. I am still with him and there are days he is just like the guy I met and fell in love with. Lately he has been wonderful especially because of my neice but I know when she goes, that there is the chance he could go back to the using since his recovery has been practically non exisitant. I know he needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself before we can ever see a resemblance of what we had, if we ever do.
Keep the great memories of your weekend, you deserved a good time and there is nothing wrong in what you did. Continue to focus on yourself and your daughter and keep going. Don't ever feel that you can't be honest here, no one judges, we all love you.
You take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
I know sometimes I wish things with my A were like they were. I am still with him and there are days he is just like the guy I met and fell in love with. Lately he has been wonderful especially because of my neice but I know when she goes, that there is the chance he could go back to the using since his recovery has been practically non exisitant. I know he needs to work on himself and I need to work on myself before we can ever see a resemblance of what we had, if we ever do.
Keep the great memories of your weekend, you deserved a good time and there is nothing wrong in what you did. Continue to focus on yourself and your daughter and keep going. Don't ever feel that you can't be honest here, no one judges, we all love you.
You take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hiya Bonbon!
You went out, you had a nice time, you know better than to let him waltz back into your life full time. I know you're scared that having a brief glimpse of Shangri-la might diminish your willpower. That's called "awareness" and that's a good thing.
Now think of this before you continue lashing yourself with wet noodles... He got to see how good things can be, too. Positive reinforcement. Good behavior= good times. I'm certainly not recommending that anyone arrange their behavior around "lessons for the addict"... that never works out. However, there are lessons for both parties in every situation.
Continue to think about your safety, physical and mental, and LET GO. If we're not allowed to keep punishing them for mistakes, then certainly we can quit punishing ourselves, eh?
LOVE YOU!
Smoke
You went out, you had a nice time, you know better than to let him waltz back into your life full time. I know you're scared that having a brief glimpse of Shangri-la might diminish your willpower. That's called "awareness" and that's a good thing.
Now think of this before you continue lashing yourself with wet noodles... He got to see how good things can be, too. Positive reinforcement. Good behavior= good times. I'm certainly not recommending that anyone arrange their behavior around "lessons for the addict"... that never works out. However, there are lessons for both parties in every situation.
Continue to think about your safety, physical and mental, and LET GO. If we're not allowed to keep punishing them for mistakes, then certainly we can quit punishing ourselves, eh?
LOVE YOU!
Smoke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))
I woke up this morning with a clear mind. Much better than I had last night. I know what part of my problem is, it seems as if I almost do better knowing he is out of the city and probobaly using, than I do knowing he is being really nice and at his mothers 5 minutes away. I mean I wish he would find recovery, but it seems as if when he is away, I move foward. It is almost like I feel like I am in limbo land when I know he is around.
You all made perfect sense, I do know it was easy for him to be on his best behavior for 24 hours. I know this.
I like what you said JT about proceeding with caution, and letting his actions speak louder than any of his words. That feels like a very comfortable place for me.
Your right Smoke, makes perfect sense to me.....
You all mean the world to me, thank you all for the support.
I will keep on with one day at a time....
I woke up this morning with a clear mind. Much better than I had last night. I know what part of my problem is, it seems as if I almost do better knowing he is out of the city and probobaly using, than I do knowing he is being really nice and at his mothers 5 minutes away. I mean I wish he would find recovery, but it seems as if when he is away, I move foward. It is almost like I feel like I am in limbo land when I know he is around.
You all made perfect sense, I do know it was easy for him to be on his best behavior for 24 hours. I know this.
I like what you said JT about proceeding with caution, and letting his actions speak louder than any of his words. That feels like a very comfortable place for me.
Your right Smoke, makes perfect sense to me.....
You all mean the world to me, thank you all for the support.
I will keep on with one day at a time....
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
(((BON)))
I just wanted to jump in here. You have not taken even one step back, so don't say that. You are still putting yourself and your daughter first and that is what you should do.
Keep your eyes open and follow your heart, it will lead you. Do not listen to your head.
I am sure that the things he said to you are true, but without recovery he may not be able to follow his heart, he will listen to his head.
As the wise ladies before me here already said, actions speak louder than words.
Take it from this A, words and just that, words.
You are a strong smart woman and you will do what is right, Isn't it amazing what a difference a night can make.
I hope you have a wonderful day!!!
I just wanted to jump in here. You have not taken even one step back, so don't say that. You are still putting yourself and your daughter first and that is what you should do.
Keep your eyes open and follow your heart, it will lead you. Do not listen to your head.
I am sure that the things he said to you are true, but without recovery he may not be able to follow his heart, he will listen to his head.
As the wise ladies before me here already said, actions speak louder than words.
Take it from this A, words and just that, words.
You are a strong smart woman and you will do what is right, Isn't it amazing what a difference a night can make.
I hope you have a wonderful day!!!
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
Bon Bon,
wow, what a well written expression of the visit. I could feel the excitement and the ghostly haunting of nausea as reality surfaced.
Part of the reason that myself and the others can so feel your experience is because we have been there many times before. Soemtimes a "relapse" is a necessary part of recovery and an actual step towards healing rather than a step back.
Perhaps you both have renewed the spark that was the reason you were together so long. It is living in you and that may be the reason why you feel most comfortable when you feel he is so out of control and unattainable (out of town and using) that you wouldn't want him even if you could have him.
Perhaps a review of your boundaries in a journal and a continuation of the grieving process is important. Look back at what you will and what you won't accept from him ( such as I will not entertain rekindling anything until he has been sober ______ or been in _____ program or what ever is in your heart).
You sound like a sweet and sensitive woman. Keep up the great work and love that little girl of yours!
Lynda
wow, what a well written expression of the visit. I could feel the excitement and the ghostly haunting of nausea as reality surfaced.
Part of the reason that myself and the others can so feel your experience is because we have been there many times before. Soemtimes a "relapse" is a necessary part of recovery and an actual step towards healing rather than a step back.
Perhaps you both have renewed the spark that was the reason you were together so long. It is living in you and that may be the reason why you feel most comfortable when you feel he is so out of control and unattainable (out of town and using) that you wouldn't want him even if you could have him.
Perhaps a review of your boundaries in a journal and a continuation of the grieving process is important. Look back at what you will and what you won't accept from him ( such as I will not entertain rekindling anything until he has been sober ______ or been in _____ program or what ever is in your heart).
You sound like a sweet and sensitive woman. Keep up the great work and love that little girl of yours!
Lynda
Paused
Join Date: May 2002
Location: The Plains, VA USA
Posts: 22
Your stepping in the right direction .... forward. You were able to enjoy yourself with someone you love, but still keep your eyes wide open and really make positive decisions for you and your daughter. Yeaaaaaaa!
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
Hey girl!
I know how you are feeling...I did not run away with the A today but he had me balling on the phone.....yes there is part of me who still loves him......but how irrational to think he "My A" will change. He won't, he hasn't and he can't ....he need to be in a rehab for alcohol and get one on one counseling...and then I don't think we could make it. Too many bad years and tooooooooo much has been said between us. I am just posting to tell you I can imagine the feeling.....but the ground, when you are drifty through the sky on clouds ........ hits hard.
Love Kitty
I know how you are feeling...I did not run away with the A today but he had me balling on the phone.....yes there is part of me who still loves him......but how irrational to think he "My A" will change. He won't, he hasn't and he can't ....he need to be in a rehab for alcohol and get one on one counseling...and then I don't think we could make it. Too many bad years and tooooooooo much has been said between us. I am just posting to tell you I can imagine the feeling.....but the ground, when you are drifty through the sky on clouds ........ hits hard.
Love Kitty
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Bonbon, thanks so much for sharing your weekend and your struggles with us. I understand so perfectly what you are saying and feeling. You are an inspiration to me. Much love, Rose
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