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A little bit nervous

Old 09-01-2002, 05:02 PM
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Morning Glory
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A little bit nervous

Hi all,

I got a phone call that made me nervous. My son started working last week at a new restaurant in town. He has been working long days, 10 to 12 hours and getting paid $10.00 under the table.

I was paged by the owner today and she went on and on about how wonderful my son is and how he is such a hard worker. She said she had never seen anyone in her life work as hard as he does. She said they just tell him what they need and he just does it and knows what he is doing. She said she was worried that someone would take him away from them. She told him in a month or so they would really make it worth it for him to stay there and work. She said he could really be making a lot of money somewhere because he works so hard. She also told me how well mannered and polite he was. They also gave him a key to the restaurant.

Ok, now imagine me on the phone, lol. I just kept saying, "Oh that's wonderful. I'm so glad it is working out. Yes he does have a lot of energy. Thank you and so on." Throughout the conversation I was thinking, "Oh my God, they gave him a key." Oh I hope he doesn't relapse and go into work drunk. I hope he doesn't use the key and take things from them." I was also thinking that it was just 2 months ago that I picked him up off the streets and they are really taking a risk here.

So I guess because she talked to me I'm feeling a little guilty for not telling her of the risk and also will feel really embarassed if the whole thing falls apart. Up until now his addiction did not affect my contacts in my community. He always did his thing somewhere else.

Don't misunderstand me. I am really proud of my son, but I also know that he is really new to recovery and anything is possible. I also know that this has nothing to do with my life and it's his life. I felt that way until I talked to his boss on the phone. Now I feel like it's a reflection on me somehow and that I'm responsible to make sure he doesn't do anything to them. I don't think I'd feel that way if he didn't live with me, but I have to take these phone calls. So I know I'm worried about a future that may never happen and today is just fine so I better just STOP IT

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-01-2002, 05:26 PM
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Tear in my Beer
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Hi Morning Glory, I'm brand new to this site and yours is the first post I've read. It touched me and I'm so excited about registering here now. But enough about me. You did the right thing by writing it all down here. E.B. White said he doesn't know REALLY how he feels about things until he starts writing about them. It's a common phenomenon, I think; this sudden mental clarity after pouring your heart out. Hang in there and thanks for giving me a little courage toward facing my own recovery.
 
Old 09-01-2002, 05:34 PM
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Morning Glory
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Hi Tear in my Beer!

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your reply. Please feel free to post and read the wonderful information on all the boards. We all look forward to getting to know you better.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-01-2002, 05:44 PM
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Ann
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Hi MG

Oh don't I just know your panic. I don't even give my son a key to my house.

And I totally understand that although your son, like mine, when he is clean, may just be the pillar of the community and Mr. Nice Guy who works like a dog. And, like you I also know that a relapse can change all that in a heartbeat.

But you know, it is not your responsiblity. He will have to take responsibility himself, and he can take the praise for being so wonderful too. If it goes otherwise, the consequences are his alone. As Ogly says...Don't second guess tomorrow.

I have warned my family and friends who are aware already of my son's addiction, to keep their purses with them at all times and to never leave anything valuable lying around. It is sad to have to do that, but they are in my house and I feel it is only fair.

But I would not go so far as to discuss this with my son's employer. That is out of bounds for me. The only exception I would make would be if his employer was a close family friend who meant well but did not understand the circumstance.

Just relax and let life happen. It will happen exactly the way it is supposed to and we are powerless.
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Old 09-01-2002, 05:58 PM
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Morning Glory
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Thanks Ann,

I'll just have to learn to keep my boundaries up and not take any phone calls that are directed to him. I'll learn some phrases and prepare myself so if something does happen I'll know what to say.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-02-2002, 05:57 AM
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JT
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MG,

That was good advise from Ann...your son has rights too and telling his employer would be violating that.

When I was back in my "Leave it to Beaver" mode I was so afraid everyone was going to find out...and they did. Today I don't have to pick up a paper....someone tells me if he is in it (thank you very much). And I was moritfied....sometimes I still am...but I know who I can talk to about it and who I cannot.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 09-02-2002, 07:52 AM
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Hi MG!

1 + 1 = 2

Two can be a unit... but it is still divisible by two whole people. You may be together, but you and your son are not the same thing. You are not responsible for what he does. Did you take credit for him working so hard? Nope. Will you accept blame if he flubs up? Hmmmmm?

Love and hugs!
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Old 09-02-2002, 08:40 AM
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MG -

Can I say Ditto my friend.

Your worries are normal, you know that. But the ball is in his court now!

You should be proud of all the nice things that were said about your son, he learned all those things from you.

I remember when I first got clean and the job I had (the first ever clean) kept giving me more and more responsiblity, I would say to myself 'do they what they are doing?, do they know who I am or what I've done?' the answer is no, they didn't know who I was, but the person I was becoming in recovery they knew and they respected. That is what is happening to your son. Pray that he feels that way and see the pride he should be taking in a job well done.

That is all you can do.
Take care my friend - you are doing great!!!
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Old 09-02-2002, 09:40 AM
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Morning Glory
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Thanks everyone,

I think it was a control issue on my part. The phone call triggered the need to control to make everything turn out ok. I have to keep remembering that it's out of my hands and to let it go.

His life is not my life. I can only control my life. It just hit me from a different angle this time. I'm not used to that,lol.

Thanks for your support.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-02-2002, 12:06 PM
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Believing in god is one thing,but do i TRUST him.Do i really really TRUST that God is in charge here and that whatever happens it is all in his hands.Many times I make that mistake of believing without trusting and try to take my life back."It's ok God,I will deal with this one." Then I start projecting into the future and planning the outcome of things.I constantly must remind myself to just do the next right thing and as long as I do the next right thing then I have nothing to fear.
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Old 09-02-2002, 12:50 PM
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Morning Glory
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Peter,

That is a great statement. Just do the next right thing. I will remember that and thank you for sharing it with us.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 09-02-2002, 01:34 PM
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Morning Glory!

I see what you mean about the different angle. What occurred to me as I read it was that the employer should be telling this to your son.

A re- direction such as " It is a lovely thing to say, I hope that you let him know how you feel as he is the one responsible for his behaviour. I know this would make him feel great." This will show him who is "in charge" of your son.

Similar to what someone else said in regards to not taking HIS credit ( or blame). I assume that he is over 18 and an adult. I think that if a minor the slant would be a bit different (considering legal liablitiy and all).

Congratulations on identifying the problem and questioning your impulses! That is so healthy :hamburger

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