newbie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 18
newbie
Hello all,
I am new to the Forum and extremely grateful for the support and strength shown here. My A is active in his drinking periodically and when he is sober he is basically as miserable as when he is drinking! Needless to say, this "dry drunk" thing ( I think thats what it is,anyways) is wearing on me. He has a wonderful life and is surrounded by love and laughs. I try to detach and keep taking care of myself , but it is hard and my self esteem feels like its taken a beating... Any advice other than what I am trying already??? He knows I love him and care for him, but I walk a fine line trying not to enable or be codependent. I guess I am just really tired, and with recent physical challenges and financial woes, it takes everything I have in me just to take care of day-to-day issues without having to carry him around while he is "in a funk" as he calls it. I feel bad b/c sometimes all I want to do is scream at him to stop feeling so sorry for himself and start showing some gratitude for all that he has. Is this normal for me to feel this way??? Thank you again for your support and I would appreciate any advice or replies! Jamy
I am new to the Forum and extremely grateful for the support and strength shown here. My A is active in his drinking periodically and when he is sober he is basically as miserable as when he is drinking! Needless to say, this "dry drunk" thing ( I think thats what it is,anyways) is wearing on me. He has a wonderful life and is surrounded by love and laughs. I try to detach and keep taking care of myself , but it is hard and my self esteem feels like its taken a beating... Any advice other than what I am trying already??? He knows I love him and care for him, but I walk a fine line trying not to enable or be codependent. I guess I am just really tired, and with recent physical challenges and financial woes, it takes everything I have in me just to take care of day-to-day issues without having to carry him around while he is "in a funk" as he calls it. I feel bad b/c sometimes all I want to do is scream at him to stop feeling so sorry for himself and start showing some gratitude for all that he has. Is this normal for me to feel this way??? Thank you again for your support and I would appreciate any advice or replies! Jamy
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Posts: n/a
Hi Jamy,
Welcome to the forum!
I think what you are feeling sounds pretty normal to me. I have also felt that way about my son who is the addict in my life. They seem to place all the responsibility for their lives onto you. They want you to rescue them, they want you to be the dumping ground for all their problems, they want to blame you for the way they are and they want you to cure them. They want you to accept them exactly the way they are and don't want to take any responsibility of their own.
This is where we can work on establishing boundaries. Before we can extablish the boundaries we need to be convinced that we can't control them, can't cure them and that we are truely not the cause of their using or their behavior. Once we really know that it is easier to form the boundaries we need.
I finally stopped listening to my son's troubles because I knew there was truely nothing I could do and it didn't do either of us any good to play that sick game anymore.
I gave him the information of the places he could go for help and told him he would have to help himself. I let him know I loved him and let him know that he was very important to me, but I refused to be a part of his disease and put the responsibility right back on him where it belonged. He was really angry with me when I first started doing this, but soon knew not to talk about it anymore.
Please read the post addictive personality at the top of the naranon page. That was a real eye opener for me.
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
MG
Welcome to the forum!
I think what you are feeling sounds pretty normal to me. I have also felt that way about my son who is the addict in my life. They seem to place all the responsibility for their lives onto you. They want you to rescue them, they want you to be the dumping ground for all their problems, they want to blame you for the way they are and they want you to cure them. They want you to accept them exactly the way they are and don't want to take any responsibility of their own.
This is where we can work on establishing boundaries. Before we can extablish the boundaries we need to be convinced that we can't control them, can't cure them and that we are truely not the cause of their using or their behavior. Once we really know that it is easier to form the boundaries we need.
I finally stopped listening to my son's troubles because I knew there was truely nothing I could do and it didn't do either of us any good to play that sick game anymore.
I gave him the information of the places he could go for help and told him he would have to help himself. I let him know I loved him and let him know that he was very important to me, but I refused to be a part of his disease and put the responsibility right back on him where it belonged. He was really angry with me when I first started doing this, but soon knew not to talk about it anymore.
Please read the post addictive personality at the top of the naranon page. That was a real eye opener for me.
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
MG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 18
MG, THANKS! I needed that! I guess what we go thru runs the gamut of "normal"! I really appreciate your reply and I will definitely keep coming back. Living the program seems to be the only way to keep myself out of his "stuff". I will talk to you soon.
Hugs,
Jamy
Hugs,
Jamy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Jamy!
Welcome to the recovery forum.
Does what you are trying already include alanon meetings or reading literature for codependents? Look at the "bookclub" near the top of the alanon forum. It lists a lot of members favorite reading material.
I'm not sure what "carry him around when he is in a funk" means. That you are trying to jolly and cheer him, and possibly do his chores because he is too blue? That you are listening to tales of woe? I'm with morning glory. When you've heard the sad tale, you've heard it. After that, my motto is "get over it or get under and push." If he doesn't want to get help then let him stew in his own juice.
Hugs!
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum.
Does what you are trying already include alanon meetings or reading literature for codependents? Look at the "bookclub" near the top of the alanon forum. It lists a lot of members favorite reading material.
I'm not sure what "carry him around when he is in a funk" means. That you are trying to jolly and cheer him, and possibly do his chores because he is too blue? That you are listening to tales of woe? I'm with morning glory. When you've heard the sad tale, you've heard it. After that, my motto is "get over it or get under and push." If he doesn't want to get help then let him stew in his own juice.
Hugs!
Smoke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jamy
Just want to welcome you and say ditto to what MG and Smoke said.
My son is an addict, and Like most addicts, his behaviour clean or using can irritate me to no end. I learned to set boundaries, about respect for ME, and those boundaries stand regardless of where he is in his recovery.
This is a wonderful place and I am happy you joined our family.
Just want to welcome you and say ditto to what MG and Smoke said.
My son is an addict, and Like most addicts, his behaviour clean or using can irritate me to no end. I learned to set boundaries, about respect for ME, and those boundaries stand regardless of where he is in his recovery.
This is a wonderful place and I am happy you joined our family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 18
Yes, I do everything so he will have no stress or "reason" to use, but I will be paying closer attention to my own behavior b/c it does not seem to matter how much I do , he will always find a reason ,won't he?? LOL, I needed those replies gang, thanks! This is so helpful to me, it reminds me that it is not MY issue... I don't get to outside meetings but I am doing THIS and I do alot of reading. It seems to keep me grounded. Why do they try to created chaos despite all the peace around them??? That is my million dollar question.... The new turmoil is that he is insecure and thinks I am going to be unfaithful....Like I need another person in my life right nowLOL my hands are aready full enough dodging his moodswings, taking care of 3 kids and trying to work....Anyhoo, Peace to all in Recovery and I will keep coming back................................
HUGS,
J
HUGS,
J
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi again Jamy
Read this carefully and think about it...."You do not have to participate"
You do not have to participate in his chaos.
You do not have to participate in his anger, outbursts or silent treatments.
You do not have to participate in his lack of trust, accusations, and insecurity.
These are his issues to sort out. To react adds fuel and keeps the fires of chaos lit.
A boundary I have with my son, is that I am willing to sit and talk for as long as he likes about anything he likes, as long as we are both calm and rational and respectful. The minute it becomes heated or filled with sarcasm and disrespect, the conversation is OVER. Right then and there. If necessary, I will remove myself from the room, house or place where he is, until we both cool down and can continue or drop it. I DO NOT PARTICIPATE.
And this boundary is about ME and respect for myself and how I know I deserve to be treated. At is not about changing him. He san shout, holler, throw himself on the floor if he wants, but I do not participate by reacting.
I told him of this boundary calmly, when nothing was amiss. Just stated how it was going to be from now on with me. And I stuck to it. At first it was difficult, my emotions wanted to react...but I walked away knowing if it was important we could discuss it another time under better circumstances.
And it took a lot of reading, a lot of meetings, and a lot of soul searching before I could do this, but today we have no heated arguments and our relationship includes respect for each other.
We are powerless...over them and their thoughts and attitudes. But we can be empowered by our own recovery.
Hope this helps just a little.
Read this carefully and think about it...."You do not have to participate"
You do not have to participate in his chaos.
You do not have to participate in his anger, outbursts or silent treatments.
You do not have to participate in his lack of trust, accusations, and insecurity.
These are his issues to sort out. To react adds fuel and keeps the fires of chaos lit.
A boundary I have with my son, is that I am willing to sit and talk for as long as he likes about anything he likes, as long as we are both calm and rational and respectful. The minute it becomes heated or filled with sarcasm and disrespect, the conversation is OVER. Right then and there. If necessary, I will remove myself from the room, house or place where he is, until we both cool down and can continue or drop it. I DO NOT PARTICIPATE.
And this boundary is about ME and respect for myself and how I know I deserve to be treated. At is not about changing him. He san shout, holler, throw himself on the floor if he wants, but I do not participate by reacting.
I told him of this boundary calmly, when nothing was amiss. Just stated how it was going to be from now on with me. And I stuck to it. At first it was difficult, my emotions wanted to react...but I walked away knowing if it was important we could discuss it another time under better circumstances.
And it took a lot of reading, a lot of meetings, and a lot of soul searching before I could do this, but today we have no heated arguments and our relationship includes respect for each other.
We are powerless...over them and their thoughts and attitudes. But we can be empowered by our own recovery.
Hope this helps just a little.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hiya Jamy!
I get an earful when I refer to Dino, or anyone else for that matter, as an addict. And he has taken to reading this and other forums, so, in the spirit of not supplying excuses, I shall heretofore use the phrase "substance abuser" even though it takes way too long to type, and everybody knows what I mean anyway.
Somebody get my earmuffs.
Now I've forgotten what I wanted to say... oh, yeh! The subtance abuser in my life had lots of real turmoil to draw on. Plenty of really truly unlucky things happened to him right in a row. Then he made it worse by retreating into a smokey smokey fog. ( and the smoke got in my eyes) He got knocked into the hole, but made it impossible for himself to climb out. I couldn't get that either.
It didn't do me any good to try to figure out why. I couldn't make sense of it for him. He has to/had to do that. I can only decide how much it's hurting me, if I want to keep putting up with it, and how I'm going to find the coping skills if I do. And I can keep reevaluating those things. Just because I wasn't totally fed up yesterday doesn't mean the camel can take another straw.
Try not to get hung up in "why". That's his job.
HUGS!
Smoke
I get an earful when I refer to Dino, or anyone else for that matter, as an addict. And he has taken to reading this and other forums, so, in the spirit of not supplying excuses, I shall heretofore use the phrase "substance abuser" even though it takes way too long to type, and everybody knows what I mean anyway.
Somebody get my earmuffs.Now I've forgotten what I wanted to say... oh, yeh! The subtance abuser in my life had lots of real turmoil to draw on. Plenty of really truly unlucky things happened to him right in a row. Then he made it worse by retreating into a smokey smokey fog. ( and the smoke got in my eyes) He got knocked into the hole, but made it impossible for himself to climb out. I couldn't get that either.
It didn't do me any good to try to figure out why. I couldn't make sense of it for him. He has to/had to do that. I can only decide how much it's hurting me, if I want to keep putting up with it, and how I'm going to find the coping skills if I do. And I can keep reevaluating those things. Just because I wasn't totally fed up yesterday doesn't mean the camel can take another straw.
Try not to get hung up in "why". That's his job.
HUGS!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 18
Smoke and anns.
Thanks for the advice! I am actually NOT participating at all and I think that is what is making him nutty. He expects the same response that he used to get from the ex and the daughters, and I flat-out refuse to get pulled into and I flat-out refuse to b---h at him about HIS behavior.... Needless to say, there is definitely a GOD b/c the more bewildered he gets by my lack of response, the more loving he gets?????? I mean it, it is almost as tho he is testing me to see if he can "get" to me.... LOL I feel like its all a game, but I am definitely not an active participant . All I told him was that it was his life to live as he pleased ,and that I would continue to live the kind of life I was meant to live and it was totally his choice to be a part of it or to retreat, either by being drunk or by crawling into a moody space. I pray each day for peace and so far so good . THis board has lifted me in a huge way....And, the funny part is, the more I do not respond, the closer attention he pays to his own actions. I know him like a book and I know he hates himself when he is active,but he knows I will not protect him from himself......
I thank you all again, keep on posting!
HUGE HUGS,
J
Thanks for the advice! I am actually NOT participating at all and I think that is what is making him nutty. He expects the same response that he used to get from the ex and the daughters, and I flat-out refuse to get pulled into and I flat-out refuse to b---h at him about HIS behavior.... Needless to say, there is definitely a GOD b/c the more bewildered he gets by my lack of response, the more loving he gets?????? I mean it, it is almost as tho he is testing me to see if he can "get" to me.... LOL I feel like its all a game, but I am definitely not an active participant . All I told him was that it was his life to live as he pleased ,and that I would continue to live the kind of life I was meant to live and it was totally his choice to be a part of it or to retreat, either by being drunk or by crawling into a moody space. I pray each day for peace and so far so good . THis board has lifted me in a huge way....And, the funny part is, the more I do not respond, the closer attention he pays to his own actions. I know him like a book and I know he hates himself when he is active,but he knows I will not protect him from himself......
I thank you all again, keep on posting!
HUGE HUGS,
J
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Jamy,
I totally get what you just said...it is like they are pushing your button...but you moved it while they weren't looking...so they are left with his action or remark just hanging out there with no button anywhere to be found! So they begin to do this moonwalk backward because they aren't sure what just happened!
People told me and told me and told me this and like anyone else I didn't believe them...just another one of those ahaaa moments in my life!
Hugs,
JT
I totally get what you just said...it is like they are pushing your button...but you moved it while they weren't looking...so they are left with his action or remark just hanging out there with no button anywhere to be found! So they begin to do this moonwalk backward because they aren't sure what just happened!
People told me and told me and told me this and like anyone else I didn't believe them...just another one of those ahaaa moments in my life!
Hugs,
JT
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