stepchildren's mother had a relapse - what to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 3
stepchildren's mother had a relapse - what to do?
I need some advice. The mother of my three step children, ages 17, 18 and 20, recently had a relapse after almost 4 years of sobriety. The two oldest children are several hours away from their mother at college. Of course, they are very worried about her. One feels very guilty because he thinks that his leaving home to go to school caused her to drink. I have encouraged them to go to al-anon but am uncertain whether they will.
My youngest step-daughter lives half-time w/ her mother less than one mile from our house. All three children want to act like they don't know that the relapse occurred. In my naive mind this seems like they are slipping back into their former roles as enablers. I don't know that confronting her or engaging w/ her is appropriate for them but are there appropriate boundaries they can set? The mother is very smart, strong willed and manipulative.
My youngest step-daughter lives half-time w/ her mother less than one mile from our house. All three children want to act like they don't know that the relapse occurred. In my naive mind this seems like they are slipping back into their former roles as enablers. I don't know that confronting her or engaging w/ her is appropriate for them but are there appropriate boundaries they can set? The mother is very smart, strong willed and manipulative.
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Posts: n/a
Welcome Stepmonster,
I think that confronting the mother would just put a wedge between you and the children. If she was sober for that long then she probably has all the information and knows what she is doing without you telling her.
There is a post on top of the naranon board here called addictive personality. Maybe you could print that out and show it to the kids. Maybe if they see that enabling is actually hurting their mother they may think differently.
Each of us has to come to terms with this family disease in our own time. I would be there for the kids and offer support and information when you can without pushing them away or causing them to choose sides.
You can certainly do things for yourself to get support you need while going through this. We are all here for you.
Hugs,
MG
I think that confronting the mother would just put a wedge between you and the children. If she was sober for that long then she probably has all the information and knows what she is doing without you telling her.
There is a post on top of the naranon board here called addictive personality. Maybe you could print that out and show it to the kids. Maybe if they see that enabling is actually hurting their mother they may think differently.
Each of us has to come to terms with this family disease in our own time. I would be there for the kids and offer support and information when you can without pushing them away or causing them to choose sides.
You can certainly do things for yourself to get support you need while going through this. We are all here for you.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Step - (I don't think you're a monster)
Relapse is a sad thing for more than just the alcoholic. I agree, that with 4 years recovery under her belt, she has the tools to come back to sobriety when she is ready. That is her program to work through.
The children are old enough to read the good information that is available about this disease, and I agree that an Al-anon meeting might help them understand more. I would encourage that and let them make their own decisions regarding their relationship with their mother. You sound like a terrific stepmom to me, and I admired your courage.
They may be acting like they don't know, but believe me, they know. They may just not want to discuss it right now. I would leave that to them to work through. Maybe they just don't want to add to the guilt and shame that their mother must be feeling right now. And there is nothing wrong with that.
There is a lot of good information here at this site, and we are all here to share with anytime you want.
Relapse is a sad thing for more than just the alcoholic. I agree, that with 4 years recovery under her belt, she has the tools to come back to sobriety when she is ready. That is her program to work through.
The children are old enough to read the good information that is available about this disease, and I agree that an Al-anon meeting might help them understand more. I would encourage that and let them make their own decisions regarding their relationship with their mother. You sound like a terrific stepmom to me, and I admired your courage.
They may be acting like they don't know, but believe me, they know. They may just not want to discuss it right now. I would leave that to them to work through. Maybe they just don't want to add to the guilt and shame that their mother must be feeling right now. And there is nothing wrong with that.
There is a lot of good information here at this site, and we are all here to share with anytime you want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 3
Thank you Morning Glory and Anns.
I pulled up the Addictive Personality piece and found it very helpful. I will peruse the rest of the website for information.
I would not think of confronting her - I don't think a first wife wants to be criticized by a second wife.
Is there a "normal" course of a relapse?
I'm thinking that perhaps I should find materials to pass along to the kids for their reading if they wish. I will not push it on them but rather just make it available. What do you think? I am trying not to push the issue w/ the kids, but rather just be available if they need to talk. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks
I pulled up the Addictive Personality piece and found it very helpful. I will peruse the rest of the website for information.
I would not think of confronting her - I don't think a first wife wants to be criticized by a second wife.
Is there a "normal" course of a relapse?
I'm thinking that perhaps I should find materials to pass along to the kids for their reading if they wish. I will not push it on them but rather just make it available. What do you think? I am trying not to push the issue w/ the kids, but rather just be available if they need to talk. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks
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Step,
I think that sounds like a good approach. Learn as much as you can about addiction and be ready with good information if they should ask. I know I just sit back with my kids until they are ready to hear and then share as much as they want to hear. Then they usually don't believe me and have to hear the same thing from someone else before they believe it.
They learn a little at a time just like we do. Maybe one day your step children will be ready for an alanon meeting.
Everyone handles their recovery differently so there is no set course for relapse. I hope the mother finds her way back to meetings or a treatment center.
Hugs,
MG
I think that sounds like a good approach. Learn as much as you can about addiction and be ready with good information if they should ask. I know I just sit back with my kids until they are ready to hear and then share as much as they want to hear. Then they usually don't believe me and have to hear the same thing from someone else before they believe it.
They learn a little at a time just like we do. Maybe one day your step children will be ready for an alanon meeting.
Everyone handles their recovery differently so there is no set course for relapse. I hope the mother finds her way back to meetings or a treatment center.
Hugs,
MG
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: British Cloumbia, Canada
Posts: 28
Hi Step Mamma!
Good topic and wonderful that you have come for support! Welcome.
All of the above sounds right on the money. I agree that some resources may be nice to have in your back pocket. Depending on the relationship, you or their dad could send an email with this link, try this one too, I have it on my list, but cannot remember how good it is
www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/aca/index2.html , I have it down as Adult Children of alcoholics.
Beyond that I would not go much further. They are old enough to track down the resources from that point. It may be tempting, but they will access it when they are ready. Any more pushing would likely make them feel that you do not have faith in their abilitiesw to cope (see **breaking the co-dependent mould** thread).
The Co Dependnet No More book is also worth a read for you. Amazing book!
Keep in touch,
Action Girl
Good topic and wonderful that you have come for support! Welcome.
All of the above sounds right on the money. I agree that some resources may be nice to have in your back pocket. Depending on the relationship, you or their dad could send an email with this link, try this one too, I have it on my list, but cannot remember how good it is
www.winnipeg.freenet.mb.ca/aca/index2.html , I have it down as Adult Children of alcoholics.
Beyond that I would not go much further. They are old enough to track down the resources from that point. It may be tempting, but they will access it when they are ready. Any more pushing would likely make them feel that you do not have faith in their abilitiesw to cope (see **breaking the co-dependent mould** thread).
The Co Dependnet No More book is also worth a read for you. Amazing book!
Keep in touch,
Action Girl
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 3
Dear Action Girl:
You guys are all great!!! Very nice, very supportive. Since making my first post I had dinner with one of my best friends (we go back over 22 years) who announced that she has been sober for almost 30 days and is attending and enjoying AA meetings. I didn't know that she perceived alcohol as an issue for her. She said the same thing - she was amazed at the supportiveness of her group.
My discussion with her and the situation with the kid's step mother is making me think about my relationship w/ alcohol and interractions w/ others.
Over the last several days, I have read alot of the posts on this message board and am starting to pick up on my co-dependency issues. I found your encouragement not to push my step children to be a good reminder.
I will educate myself, try to be a source of info (if asked) and work on breaking my enabling patterns. I am starting to get that the various issues that arise need to be dealt with by everyone on their own basis and at their own pace. I will strive not to push.
Thanks for the wisdom support and help
Having said all of that I must confess that I have not totally withdrawn from the situation. Because the mother was drinking again with the children on Sunday morning, I did contact her sponsor (my oldest stepchild called me very upset and concerned). I had previously talked with mom's best friend (with whom I am on good terms) and her best friend said she was sick that mom was drinking again but that she did not have the strength to say anything. Supposedly her sponsor will talk to mom. He indicated that this has been ongoing for several months. I will strive not to meddle more but I'm having a hard time watching these children see their mother deteriorating.
You guys are all great!!! Very nice, very supportive. Since making my first post I had dinner with one of my best friends (we go back over 22 years) who announced that she has been sober for almost 30 days and is attending and enjoying AA meetings. I didn't know that she perceived alcohol as an issue for her. She said the same thing - she was amazed at the supportiveness of her group.
My discussion with her and the situation with the kid's step mother is making me think about my relationship w/ alcohol and interractions w/ others.
Over the last several days, I have read alot of the posts on this message board and am starting to pick up on my co-dependency issues. I found your encouragement not to push my step children to be a good reminder.
I will educate myself, try to be a source of info (if asked) and work on breaking my enabling patterns. I am starting to get that the various issues that arise need to be dealt with by everyone on their own basis and at their own pace. I will strive not to push.
Thanks for the wisdom support and help
Having said all of that I must confess that I have not totally withdrawn from the situation. Because the mother was drinking again with the children on Sunday morning, I did contact her sponsor (my oldest stepchild called me very upset and concerned). I had previously talked with mom's best friend (with whom I am on good terms) and her best friend said she was sick that mom was drinking again but that she did not have the strength to say anything. Supposedly her sponsor will talk to mom. He indicated that this has been ongoing for several months. I will strive not to meddle more but I'm having a hard time watching these children see their mother deteriorating.
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