harleygirl92156

He has been sober 4 months and it seems we are moving farther and farther apart.
For six years I played second fiddle to alcohol. Now he is sober and I am so VERY grateful for that, but it feels like now I am second fiddle to his soberity. He goes to his meetings, aftercare, sees his sponsor, all the right things, I go to Al anon, see my sponsor and go to concerned persons aftercare program provided by the treatment center he attended.
We talk, about his sobriety and our programs and we read the big book and other related books together, but there is something missing for me.
We never discuss our relationship, or sex life is strained, we just seem to be living in the same house and working on a sober life for me and a healthy life for me......on our own.
Do we ever come back together and relate as a couple? Do we ever have a good "fun" sex life again, do we ever talk about our relationship again, do we ever feel joined again??
I feel really lonely even though I am doing the friends and sponsor and meeting thing, I need my husband and find him moving farther and farther away from me.
Any suggestions out there would be GREATLY appreciated.

splendra

(((((HG)))

It sounds like you are doing everything right ya know.....4 months is a short time in recovery but at least you are going at this together. I believe it takes a while to be able to get in touch with emotions and to be able to express them. I do not know if your H drank for more than 6 years or not but, 6 years is a long time to go without being in touch with ones self too. I am hoping you will give it some more time. I would like to suggest that you try writing down your feelings and concerns about your relationship and maybe ask your H to do the same and maybe suggest that you have a time set aside that you could discuss ya'lls relationship and where it is going. He may even think that since you are doing this with him that the relationship is in tact and that there is nothing to worry about.....

Magichappens

A lot of my old ways of relating to my husband have died. Although some of them were good to me, I had to let go of them, because they weren't good for him. Letting the old relationship die was hard. I was scared that I was going to lose him.I was scared that I wouldn't be happy with what was to come. But holding on was not supporting the new life that I was trying to find.

The time between the death of the old life, and the beginning of the new life is uncomfortable. I still have times where I find it uncomfortable, and want to go back. But I have seen the birth of some really wonderful things in my relationships. Being aware of the growth in myself, I can be aware of the gifts that are presented to me. It takes time to get used to the new things, and get comfortable with them. But I believe that it can only get better. It all depends on how willing I am to accept that this is a new life, with new gifts. I have learned to trust my higher power to take care of me. I learned that through the 12 steps.

Recovery prepares me to have healthy loving relationships. God puts those people in my life. He hasn't let me down yet. Hugs, Magic

Beautiful

I have no clue. I've been so lonely in this marriage that I would've been better off never being in it. Wait, scratch that. I would've been better off never being in it except for the one night we conceived our twins. Other than that, it's been sheer hell.

I'm pulling for you as you work towards putting it back together. When one thing dies, a new and more glorious thing grows from it. I wish you good peace in your journey.

best

As I started to grow and find a true sober way of living... my actions brought the needed change in the relationship. When I started treating my wife as I should and started to gain back her trust... Yes things do change. For the past 5 years have been the best 5 years of all 30. I would think if you asked her, she would say the past 3 years as it would have taken her some time to see my actions were real.
Time does heal and growth also comes with time.

dax

I understand how you feel..My husband was extremely single minded in his recovery. Luckily I had other friends and interests so I did not mind him being gone so much. It was just such a relief to have him sober. We are forced into a recovery process thru no fault of our own other than being the spouse of an alcoholic. And yes you are being put second to his recovery. I would try to understand this may be necesary for at least the first year. You are doing all the right things by discussing recovery between the two of you. I have a feeling your recovery process may not be as rewarding for you. Are there other fun things you can also do for yourself while he is at meetings? You recovery does not have to be all work. However keep the lines of communication open. After a year , he really needs to put more back into the relationship.. This is just my opinion. as many know my husband kept going to more and more meetings and ended up doing many unacceptable things. He literally got addicted to meetings and program people. He lost touch with the'normal' world. But it did keep him sober-now 26 years. dax

Veronica

Harleygirl - I am going through the same thing you are and my AH is right around the 4 month mark as well. My AH and I have been going to marriage counseling and that seems to help (we are also going to church together on Sundays, taking a marriage seminar class and joined a couples small group through our church). Our counselor also recommended that we have a 15 minute a day check in period and a date night once a week. It seems a bit forced and contrived to my AH, but I need it and he is willing to try. I had a complete break down over the weekend. I share a lot of the same feelings you have. Turns out, I am extremely resentful for having put up with all that I did while he was drinking and now that he is sober, I feel like he should make it all up to me. Our marriage counselor gave me a book to read (The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage) and it basically said the alcoholic feels guilty for all that he put me through. The only thing he knows how to do is work his program. It takes time to heal all the hurt and me holding on to resentment doesn't help. SO. I am back to working on me. Yes, I feel your pain. Lonely when he is at meetings (even when I am doing my own thing - he's finally sober and I want to enjoy the sobriety with him!) and lonely when we are together b/c he's head is 500 miles away focused on the program. HG, you're not alone. Patience & Prayer. Hang in there.

best

Veronica

That guilt he may have, the small group studies, the conviction that the Holy Spirit will lay on his heart... and prayers.
Over time he may grow as I hope and feel I have and with that growth he will try to make it up to you. I am not the person I once was. One of my goals is to make up as much as I can to my wife for my past.
With God there is always hope.