feeling low
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Join Date: Jul 2004
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feeling low
hi all - just need a boost today. am feeling pretty low. have discussed a couple times in the past 2 days the notion of legal separation with ah. said all the "right" things...nedd to do it for myself, can't live this way anymore, can't help him only myself. he thinks since he is not yelling, beating me up that things are ok (right)! i also told him i am sick to my stomach every day of my life not knowing what i will come home to (he's had several withdrawal seizure incidents).
how did those of you who decided to split (permanently or otherwise) fnally get it together to do it? how did you get your stuff out, etc.? just looking for feedbak. plan to go get some legal answers from an atty. soon.
thanks for letting me vent.
how did those of you who decided to split (permanently or otherwise) fnally get it together to do it? how did you get your stuff out, etc.? just looking for feedbak. plan to go get some legal answers from an atty. soon.
thanks for letting me vent.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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he thinks since he is not yelling, beating me up that things are ok (right)
, vent away sweetie!!((((((((hugs))))))))
Mindi
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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Originally Posted by cwohio
how did those of you who decided to split (permanently or otherwise) fnally get it together to do it? how did you get your stuff out, etc.?
I want to hear some of my friends instead.Since I took care of everything anyway...I guess I pretty much had it together. And since he was the one who couldn't get his $#!t together, he moved out.
I made up my mind that I was tired of living that way and told him I thought it would be best if he moved out. I kept my feet firmly planted (three months).....all the way up until the day he moved out - then I begged him to stay (last minute insanity plea). Thank goodness he left anyway... otherwise, there's no telling what would be going on right now.
It wasn't an easy choice. I still can't end my marriage (a marriage is supposed to be forever). But you know.....I don't feel married, just this stupid commitment so I can't date anyone else.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Cwohio -
Getting out is a really hard thing to do. During my AH last binge I decided I had had enough. I made arrangements for my daughter and her husband to come and get me. I lived in Michigan and they live in Minnesota. I rented a truck for the following week when they could come. He was out drinking almost everyday so I started packing stuff when he wasn't around. I knew I would have to wait to do most of it until they got there because I was scared to confront him about leaving. It all blew up though and I had to call 911 and have him removed. He was still in jail when I left. For me, that turned out the best since I didn't have to argue and be scared until I could get out. Is there any way that you can get him out or do you feel like you want to be the one to leave? No matter what, it is never easy. I guess you just have to accept that it won't be easy and and just get through it the best you can. It sure is easier after you get out. I hope that it won't be too horrible for you. You just need to decide what is best for you and go from there.
Hugs, Jo
Getting out is a really hard thing to do. During my AH last binge I decided I had had enough. I made arrangements for my daughter and her husband to come and get me. I lived in Michigan and they live in Minnesota. I rented a truck for the following week when they could come. He was out drinking almost everyday so I started packing stuff when he wasn't around. I knew I would have to wait to do most of it until they got there because I was scared to confront him about leaving. It all blew up though and I had to call 911 and have him removed. He was still in jail when I left. For me, that turned out the best since I didn't have to argue and be scared until I could get out. Is there any way that you can get him out or do you feel like you want to be the one to leave? No matter what, it is never easy. I guess you just have to accept that it won't be easy and and just get through it the best you can. It sure is easier after you get out. I hope that it won't be too horrible for you. You just need to decide what is best for you and go from there.
Hugs, Jo
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jojo - i just feel that it would be easier for me to leave. he paid the mortgage entirely (i paid/pay utilities, groceries etc.) and i just think that there would be a bigger battle if i tried to make him leave. i don't even care about getting half, etc. i would do the dissolution thing. i just want enough household things to get myself started. i don't have much debt and don't think i would have a problem doing it on my own. we have separate accounts already and always have. he is ALWAYS home, retired and hardly ever leaves so that would be the problem. i have 3 cats, two that are geriatric and on meds. i would have to take them cuz i couldn't trust that he would give them the meds. i am just to the point where i am almost sure that this is what needs to be done, but am just not quite there yet.
i know i would be better off. it's just going thru all the bs in between deciding & leaving.
jess & queen - thanks for being there to vent to!
i know i would be better off. it's just going thru all the bs in between deciding & leaving.
jess & queen - thanks for being there to vent to!
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
You are so right. Possessions can be replaced. Animals are another story! I wouldn't have left my dog for any reason either. You will do what is best for you when the time is right. Just know that you can make it on your own and make it the life that you need to live. It might not be what you had hoped for but it can definitely be a good life.
Big hugs, Jo
Big hugs, Jo
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
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cwohio, hugs and prayers to you. It is difficult. If and when you decide to do it, i would highly recommend he not be there when you move out, or you not be there when he moves out. It can be a very emotional time, and it will just be easier on you.
Isn't it amazing that they have convinced themselves that they aren't abusive, so life isn't that bad. And, then of course, they try to convince us of the same. It is insanity. And, I have fallen for it many many many times.
Is there a reason you are thinking legal separation? I don't know about there, but in Kansas, according to my attorney, the only reason to get a legal separation, is if you have many "things" and financial concerns that need to be divided up and are not getting divorced anytime soon - it just costs more money too.
Yeah, maybe you can find an attorney that gives free consults and get advice.
I don't mean to be butting in, but you said "I don't care about getting half" - think long and hard on that one. If you are entitled to half of the equity in the house, half of his retirement, you may regret it in a couple years. I have two girlfriends that went that route, they just wanted out so desperately, they got much less than they deserved, and regret it terribly now. One actually took her X back to court a year after divorce and got maintenance (alimony) as she is disabled and unable to work. He was an air traffic controller, making HUGE money, and she was trying to live on about $1700 a month with a 5 year old. With an $800 rent payment, that was pretty difficult. She, at 40 years old was forced to move back in with her parents.
My other friend has three kids. Child support was supposed to be $1900. She thought that was WAY TOO much for her H, who is a big wig at a psychiatric hospital to have to pay. But, now that her kids are getting older, and teen sneaker are $50-$100, instead of $20 at Wal-Mart, she is thinking twice.
Just food for thought. Just don't make any quick decisions... HA HA HA that's kinda hard for us codies to do anyway, to make any decision at all.
I kinda got off track here... sorry.
Take care of yourself. Hope you will feel better tomorrow and will have some peace!
Isn't it amazing that they have convinced themselves that they aren't abusive, so life isn't that bad. And, then of course, they try to convince us of the same. It is insanity. And, I have fallen for it many many many times.
Is there a reason you are thinking legal separation? I don't know about there, but in Kansas, according to my attorney, the only reason to get a legal separation, is if you have many "things" and financial concerns that need to be divided up and are not getting divorced anytime soon - it just costs more money too.
Yeah, maybe you can find an attorney that gives free consults and get advice.
I don't mean to be butting in, but you said "I don't care about getting half" - think long and hard on that one. If you are entitled to half of the equity in the house, half of his retirement, you may regret it in a couple years. I have two girlfriends that went that route, they just wanted out so desperately, they got much less than they deserved, and regret it terribly now. One actually took her X back to court a year after divorce and got maintenance (alimony) as she is disabled and unable to work. He was an air traffic controller, making HUGE money, and she was trying to live on about $1700 a month with a 5 year old. With an $800 rent payment, that was pretty difficult. She, at 40 years old was forced to move back in with her parents.
My other friend has three kids. Child support was supposed to be $1900. She thought that was WAY TOO much for her H, who is a big wig at a psychiatric hospital to have to pay. But, now that her kids are getting older, and teen sneaker are $50-$100, instead of $20 at Wal-Mart, she is thinking twice.
Just food for thought. Just don't make any quick decisions... HA HA HA that's kinda hard for us codies to do anyway, to make any decision at all.
I kinda got off track here... sorry.
Take care of yourself. Hope you will feel better tomorrow and will have some peace!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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[QUOTE=wraybear] If you are entitled to half of the equity in the house, half of his retirement, you may regret it in a couple years.
Just food for thought. Just don't make any quick decisions... HA HA HA that's kinda hard for us codies to do anyway, to make any decision at all.
QUOTE]
This is true! Remember, I lost everything! I didn't know I could even GET half his retirement! Maybe call a womans center or something.They may have to good connections for help in finding you an afordable place that accepts your kitties! You know I am here if you need me!
Just food for thought. Just don't make any quick decisions... HA HA HA that's kinda hard for us codies to do anyway, to make any decision at all.
QUOTE]
This is true! Remember, I lost everything! I didn't know I could even GET half his retirement! Maybe call a womans center or something.They may have to good connections for help in finding you an afordable place that accepts your kitties! You know I am here if you need me!
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
how did those of you who decided to split (permanently or otherwise) fnally get it together to do it? how did you get your stuff out, etc.? just looking for feedbak. plan to go get some legal answers from an atty. soon.
thanks for letting me vent.[/QUOTE]
cwohio,think you are wise to get legal answers from an atty. Ask all the questions you can and get all the help you can.
I am planning on doing the same thing. My AH thinks all is okay..since he doesn't beat on me or yell. But I never know what to expect either. While AH hasn't had any type medical problems that have been serious. I expect them at any time. He drinks till he passes out every weekend. AH says he deserves to do this..since he pays all the bills(rent,council tax,ulitilities). We do not own a flat together...but AH does own a house with his Father. My biggest problem will be getting a divorce. As I will be living in the USA and we were married here in the UK.
Give yourself a goal and work toward that moment when you will be free. It might take time. But remember the end result. Freedom and inner peace. I plan on leaving within the year. Just got to get the money together. Good luck.
thanks for letting me vent.[/QUOTE]
cwohio,think you are wise to get legal answers from an atty. Ask all the questions you can and get all the help you can.
I am planning on doing the same thing. My AH thinks all is okay..since he doesn't beat on me or yell. But I never know what to expect either. While AH hasn't had any type medical problems that have been serious. I expect them at any time. He drinks till he passes out every weekend. AH says he deserves to do this..since he pays all the bills(rent,council tax,ulitilities). We do not own a flat together...but AH does own a house with his Father. My biggest problem will be getting a divorce. As I will be living in the USA and we were married here in the UK.
Give yourself a goal and work toward that moment when you will be free. It might take time. But remember the end result. Freedom and inner peace. I plan on leaving within the year. Just got to get the money together. Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Yep- get half. It's yours and you're entitled to it. Also, if there's outstanding debt and you are in a community property state you're liable for half of it. That's half a house, half a credit card, half a car. If he stops paying, you're still on the hook and can go to whole Bankruptcy court regardless of the divorce decree.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
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all - thanks for your responses. there is no outstanding debt (luckily) - house is paid for, i only owe about $2000 on my car (in my name). i guess i was thinking legal separation in case he would want to get help and proved it. no kids involved so it would just be me & my "furry kids". i have checked out apts. for $600 range & lots take pets. the only thing would be him not being here when i leave - that might be a problem. i have my own insurance, 401k so even if i had to get another part time job, i would. it's probably going to be a scary weekend - he has stopped drinking for a day or so and i know what that will lead to.
cup - thanks for your offer! good to meet you!
cup - thanks for your offer! good to meet you!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
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Chris, do you have a good girlfriend who is able to be objective and come help you out with packing and support? I have one who loves Dan, but loves me more. She has supported every decision I made and while she will be nice to him bc I love him...she was really good at helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel...turn to your friends here on SR or elsewhere, bc it is tough but can be done!!
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i have several friends who would help - mutual friends that know the scoop and love my ah but also support me. i just need to find out what the best way to go about this is for me. thanks for the support!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
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If you a have retirement plan, then leave his alone. If not, get what you are entitled to from his.
And do think about what the others said about regretting not taking half of everything. Eventhing if you did not pay on the house you paid other bills. Every that came into the house during your marriage is half yours.
When I told mine to move out he refused to take anything. His clothes and his guitars. I think now he regrets it. He is having to but all new and can not afford it. He just thought he made soooooooo much money. I guess he forgot what child support was going to cost him.
It did take me several months to get him to go. I did everything under the sun to get him to go. Finally one day he shocked the hell outta me and said he just rented a hotel down the road.All I could do was look at him and say "great". Like all of a sudden he realized I wanted him gone. Then I filed for divorce and got that done. Him stalling all the way to court. Think of a reason to stall and he did it.
I have my own 401k and retirement so I left his alone.
One way to look at it is this...............
You should both leave the marriage with equal assets. Or try to anyway.
You never know how one is going to react, and we think we know them so well.
And do think about what the others said about regretting not taking half of everything. Eventhing if you did not pay on the house you paid other bills. Every that came into the house during your marriage is half yours.
When I told mine to move out he refused to take anything. His clothes and his guitars. I think now he regrets it. He is having to but all new and can not afford it. He just thought he made soooooooo much money. I guess he forgot what child support was going to cost him.
It did take me several months to get him to go. I did everything under the sun to get him to go. Finally one day he shocked the hell outta me and said he just rented a hotel down the road.All I could do was look at him and say "great". Like all of a sudden he realized I wanted him gone. Then I filed for divorce and got that done. Him stalling all the way to court. Think of a reason to stall and he did it.
I have my own 401k and retirement so I left his alone.
One way to look at it is this...............
You should both leave the marriage with equal assets. Or try to anyway.
You never know how one is going to react, and we think we know them so well.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Remember, you DO have someone to help you pack! 
By the way, what about renting a storage unit (small one) and every once in a while packing up a box or two and putting it there. Sort of a slo move out. Only things that he won't really miss being gone. It would make the "big move" a bit easier.
By the way, what about renting a storage unit (small one) and every once in a while packing up a box or two and putting it there. Sort of a slo move out. Only things that he won't really miss being gone. It would make the "big move" a bit easier.
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