Blondie

It will be a year in May since my AH's auto accident (he was drunk), and he is still out of work on disability (and his company is in trouble and they may go out of business soon), and all he does is sit on the couch and watch TV all day long. When he does have a doctor's visit he complains that he is not "ready" to go back to work. He isn't drinking, but the attitude has crept back in and he hasn't been to AA in months. It's only a matter of time before he starts drinking again. He can do the things he WANTS to do like shop at the mall for hours (walking around) and try on cloths, go to the tanning booth, and he even rides his motorcycle though his leg and knee have not healed from the car accident! But he moans and groans around the house that he's hurt when I ask him to help out around here or if a doctor's visit is coming up and his "vacation" (his words) will be over. Convenient. Me and the kids just seem to live our lives around him while he just sits and stews. It's like watching one of those videos that are in fast motion while one person is practically standing still.

I'm actually handling things quite well. Me and the kids have a few places to go if we loose the house and we will not starve or want for anything (my AH will have to find his own place to stay as my relatives would not put up with his garbage, and quite frankly, I've had enough too). He's out of work and the money is thin (he still owes lawyer fees to the tune of $3,500 and the lawyer wants his money yesterday), medical care for my AH is not cheep (we have health insurance, but there is still the deductible and co-pays for equipment, medicine, doctor bills, etc) his company is close to bankruptcy, we have two small children and I take care of everything around the house and am practically raising the kids alone, I'm in my forties and am starting to feel the effects of perimenopause (can anybody relate), plus there is still a court appearance he has to make (DUI, again) and more lawyer fees to come after that for other "things". I did turn to him the other day and said, "boy, I can't wait until this crisis is over!" To which he calmly replies, "What crisis, this is just life. After this crisis there will be another." Just life, like THIS is NORMAL! I don't know anybody who has been through this much all of at once! We've been through trying times before, but this is a lot to deal with all at once! He tried to make me feel like I was crazy (one of his favorite tactics) because he likes to play down all of the messes that he has made and blame it on my being a "nutty woman" and making "everything look like a crisis". I know it is a crisis and frankly, I'm not nuts! The only concern I have at this time is that my youngest is due to go to school this September, and I will be looking for work. I'm starting to seriously think that I will be the only one working AND raising the kids AND doing everything around the house, while he sits on his butt! He did have a good job and he was dependable, but when he started drinking again over six years ago, he just has gotton more and more lazy and feels sorry for himself constantly! I guess this is part of the advancement of the disease in his case. He did try AA, but he quit (refers to AA as "those people" and losers) and I know that he is the only one that can make a change for himself, even though he keeps looking to everyone else to take care of him so he doesn't have to take responsiblity. It's like eveyone can see the truth, but he can't because he is keeping his eyes closed to it. I am so grateful for al-anon, counciling, and my higher power (I pray a lot and it really helps my stress level)! Without them, I would have lost my mind a long time ago. Through all of this I can sleep well, I have plans for my future, and I am actually happy with who I am and I am actually quite calm even though I know there will probably be more rocky road ahead. I know that with my higher power and my own wits, I will make it through (with or without my AH).

JessicaNAJ

Blondie - I'm glad things are going well. It sounds like you have your hands full.

Isn't it great of our A to sit back with their eyes closed and let us do all the work. I'm with you. I am very grateful to Al-Anon, counseling, SR and my higher power... Three things I know I can always count on.

My AH was supposed to go to court today for back lawyer fees. Of course he didn't think it was necessary to go since if he didn't the court would assume it was a ligitimate claim..... One more thing we don't see eye to eye on. I would never miss a court date, for ANYTHING. But, he's not me and I didn't say a word!!

It's good to hear from you

Minx1969

Blondie,

You go girl! you sound like you are dealing with things well..What a great role model! thanks for sharing..

hugs,

Minx

wraybear

Blondie, wish you would have posted this 3 1/2 years ago, right after my AH had an almost tragic car accident - he almost died and our 4 year old was seriously hurt. She is fine now!!! Thank God. Your post is so positive and reminds me how I can be okay regardless of what he is doing.

His demeanor sounds so much like my AH's, although my AH was very involved in AA. What meds is he on? Mine was on oxycontin/hydrocodone, very addictive, then started buying percosets, etc on the streets. Finally got weened of them, then he was put on methadone. and, been drinking off and on. No motivation to do anything. I take care of everything too. Sounds like you are indeed handling things well, I haven't done so well - but getting better!

Take care, thanks for sharing.

Blondie

Wraybear, that must have been a very difficult time for you! I hope things are better for you. My AH isn't on any meds at this time (he was also taking hydrocodone, but wanted to drive and didn't want to get caught driving under a drug influence because he had a pending DUI against him already for alcohol again). My AH was very involved in AA too and seemed to actually enjoy the meetings, but once he got his 90 in 90 days that his lawyer suggested (had sheets to list his AA meetings) he abruptly stopped going and started referring to the people going as "depressing losers". He also stopped doing the steps and stated that he thought they were all BS. He seemed so sincere and seemed to be doing better and I was hopeful that he would keep working at it, but now I can see it was all just an act to please the judge and his lawyer.

Yes, they do tend to turn away from the truth because they are afraid to see things for what they really are. I think it is much easier to face the truth. Sure it hurts at first, but how are we supposed to take control of our own lives if we don't take a good hard look at the truth.

I don't say a word to my AH either even when it is obvious he is screwing up. I did try to "help him" years ago, but then when things didn't work out, he would blame me because I was the one who was "taking care of everything" and trying to "save him", so in his mess up logic, I was to blame for it all. Things are different now. I do have compassion, but I do not take on the caretaking role. Now, if he screws up, he pays the consequences and it is getting VERY uncomfortable for him because he has nobody else to blame. He tries blaming the cops for taking blood evidence and he blames the person who planted the tree he drove into and he tries blaming the people who layed out the road, but in the end, the DUI was his fault, but he still tries to blame ANYBODY else. Before the blood evidence came back, he tried to tell me he only had had a few and that he was not drunk. Well, the evidence revealed that he was quite drunk, so he told me the test was flawed and that the cops were out to get him, yada, yada, yada. It's like watching a six year old tell you that his imaginary friend was the one who broke your lamp so you shouldn't be punishing him. But you know the truth all along.

wraybear

Wow! yes, I have seen the blame game too. My AH was very involved in AA for 8 years, and the past two years, AV, Alcoholics Victorious. He even taught one of the weekly classes. I guess that is why I remained so hopeful these past 8 years. But, yada yada yada! My "six" year old is now in jail!

My AH was never accused of DUI. The first EMT to arrive on the scene came to visit me and my daughter at the hospital and he said they really believed AH was going to die. So, that may be part of it, plus, I have found out since then, that if they would have arrested him, although he was on his death bed, the state would have had to pay for his medical bills! Which are now close to 1.5 million. Thank God I have decent insurance where I work.

Sounds like you are doing well. Take care and Happy Resurrection Day!

brightlight

My husband keeps just squeaking through disaster. So far his health is fine, but he has only been back at drinking for 3 years with a 7 year spell of not drinking before. He actually hit somebody walking with our truck and did not get a ticket. He drinks a drives just a little, but never gets caught. His job is fine. I decided that disaster is coming. I do not know when. Different things could happen, I could divorce him, he could divorce me, he could die, he could lose his job, he could be very sick and not be able to work, so I decided that I have to get over the pity party. I have been so mad and saying things like he does not help with the house, I have to work and have no free time. We have two kids and I am the only one taking care of them. I will be 50 next month and my youngest is 5! I have to be healthy. I have a big job a head of me. I decided who would help me if he died today? Nobody. Nobody would take the trash out. Nobody would cook, nobody would clean the cabinets, nobody would wash the truck, nobody would be working except me, and this has helped me to be happy. When he does help it is a bonus. He brings home a check and it is a bonus right now. It will be gone someday. I am trying to save when I can. I am also planning on where to live. I have wanted a house for a long long time, but I am going to be 50 and no way can I keep working for 30 years and I should prepare some for retiring. We have a tiny little trailer that is too small. I am going to buy some land to put it on. Something that I can afford to pay for. I am going to grow a garden and just try to be a little person. Like the song, I do not remember the words, but a little bitty town and a little bitty house, a little bitty car. I am going to be happy with what I have. I cannot depend on him for anything and look at everything as a bonus. He might drink today, but not tomorrow. He has a job today and it is good while it lasts. If he takes the trash out, I just got a bonus. He is not ruining my health, not one more day.

myselfagain

I did the same as a lot of ya'll for a long time
Took care of everything and everybodt except him.
Then one day I woke and decided enough is enough, he doesnt do ANYTHING other than bring home a check. Hell, I do that and with child support I can do without him. So we are divorced now. The kids and I are doing great.
Nothing has changed other than the fact that he doesnt live here anymore. NOT TRUE!!!!
No passed out drunk somewhere in the house.
No yelling at the kids a 8 p.m. " GO TO BED!!!!!" ( so he could drink in peace)
No bum sitting on my couch taking up my space.
and on
and on
and on
Just my 2 cents
P.S.
They say that a pesons brain stops maturing at whatever age they started drinking................
Mine acted like a 14 yr old kid.

sdp

Blondie-
You sound like you're doing a great job.

I had a little taste of that when my H broke his ankle last year. Home all day or out boozing.

He was able to go out boozingm but incapable of doing any dishes or anything.. GGRR.. That just sucked.

Good luck to you!!