ggnewme

Hi all - this may be a bit rambling...

So, yesterday was a bad day for me, faith wise. ABF has been trying to quit drinking for 2 months now, has relasped twice. Last relapse was 3 weeks ago today. The day he started to quit was the day I was going to break up with him was the day I found out he was an A at all - I just knew he was messed up.

So, knowing the diagnosis, I decided to stay around and encourage him to get help. He's been going to AA mtgs. once a week. Last week, he decided to "test" himself and went to a bar with his friends, watched them get drunk and himself had a Coke. He was planning on it again yesterday, but his friends cancelled. I asked him if he thought that was a great idea, so newly sober, to which he replied "well, I probably would've made it." - ok - probably??? Should a person trying to diet go into a candy store???

Anyway, I've been going to Al-anon, coming here, reading, working on my own recovery and trying to leave him to his - and as I said he's going 1x a week - but he doesn't like it. He has trouble with the HP stuff, generally doesn't listen to his sponsor, and yet hasn't looked into anything else - very little reading, no self reflection at all. On top of that, I've been bored for almost 2 years with paying for dates, coming up with things to do, (he doesn't work much), and generally bored with patience.

So I'm feeling anxious about all this yesterday, and I made the mistake, I guess, of sharing this with him. He freaked out. "It's only been 3 weeks - my sobriety is all that matters - you're threatening me - I never know what's going to happen with you.... " etc...

So, what, we can't have an open dialouge that his lack of interest in his own recovery makes me nervous??? Screw that.

The long and short is, I'm glad he's on something of a path toward recovery, but I'm not going to sit around with a smile plastered on my face like everything's ok. As with anything else in our relationship, I feel like I'm the one doing all the work.

I told him I don't think I can take our relationship seriously for at least 6 months of sobriety - although now I"m feeling like that's arbitrary.

Anyway, I just don't think I can fit his "maybe so, maybe not" philosphy into my future. We're not married, I'm going to be 31 soon. I want a family - not a perpetual shrug of the shoulders...

Am I making any sense?? Thanks all for everything that you are.

FaithChaser

ahhh the perpetual shrug of the shoulders! I know that one well. I got married at 30 wanted a family blah blah blah...seven years later I'm shrugging my shoulders saying, "Huh? this wasn't my plan! This isn't what I expected!" Or was it???? This of course doesn't mean you would be doing that.
He's perhaps trying in his way to improve his life. Although in some ways, it sounds as if he's not putting in 100% towards recovery, each time he goes he will get something out of it if he likes it or not. Take it a day at a time and keep working on yourself.
You totally make sense and don't let anyone make you think you are crazy A's are great at that. By saying you want to not take the relationship seriously for now, I believe you are taking care of yourself. Bottom line is we are sick because we have allowed this into our lives, to not have a repeat, we need to keep learning why we are attracted to this. I've decided to quit worrying so much about the AH's addiction and worrying more about why I wanted that in the first place. Seems to me I have always put him in front of my own needs in one way or another (not all but some).

So, like others here have told me countless times, think of some ways to pamper yourself, make yourself feel good, and KEEP learning...that's what I'm doing anyway.

Lotsa Hugs and thank you for everything you are as well!
~FaithChaser

JessicaNAJ

Sounds to me like he's in denial....

My AH admits to being a drunk, but not an alcoholic. He still thinks he can control it on his own. I hate to say this, but without help, I don't think he can. He's been sober for 3 weeks. But, then again, things have been calm for him. I wonder what's going to happen when he starts feeling the pressures of life again.

Sounds like blame, guilt, and manipulation all tied in to one. It's like they can scare us into thinking "maybe he really is trying". Sadly for me, I really thought he was trying for 4 of our last 15 years of marriage. I know in my heart that my AH cannot fight this on his own. He needs support and faith. Counselling will probably help him too since there are a lot of past issues in his life he's never dealt with.

My counsellor told me that if my AH really is trying to find sobriety, I will know.

Take care of you. You deserve it!!

gelfling

The game he's playing with himself about going to bars while still in the very early stages is almost always a no-win situation. Our son had been 4 months sober, went to a wedding with us over Thanksgiving and we left because he said he was getting uncomfortable with all the liquor flowing and the loudness that accompanies a good old fashioned booze party wedding. We took him to the airport to go back to school and he said that before they even took off, he had a double scotch.

And there really is no need for you to walk around on tiptoes while he's in recovery. You've done enough of that already. You aren't required by law or self to stick around if it's not doing you any good. You owe him nothing and owe it to yourself to find inner peace and health. If you really think you have to stay, detachment is a wonderous thing.

Now, focus on yourself and your recovery. If you stay or leave. You've been affected by the disease and in order to get on with your life in a healthy manner, alanon would be a good start if you haven't already started with the meetings. Don't let his negative attitude about AA and his sponsor reflect on you going to meetings. It's different for everyone. If you really want sobriety and health, it's there to be had as is the help in alanon and support you'll get here at SR.

Blessings

ggnewme

Thanks, for all of your replies. We managed to have a civil talk on Saturday, in which he apologized for yelling, and seemed to agree with everything I had to say. I told him that part of our fight Thursday was my fault, and I know it was. Why? Because I started to fall back into old habits with him, regardless of his drinking or no, I started to focus on HIS recovery, and to worry about what he was and wasn't doing....

Intellectually I have learned better, alas, I don't know how to fix that for myself without physically removing myself from him and our relationship. So, he seems to understand. I just need to see how he's going to fare without me "guiding" him or better put, trying to make him into the person that I need.

It's all so sad - I know he is a sweet, thoughtful smart person, but he needs so much more to be healthy than what I can give him. I hope he finds it on his own..... at least I know he's safe - being fed and sheltered. And who knows - maybe we can work it out in a few months if I see some major changes in his attitude and well being. But, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Sigh- thanks again....

cupowater

Its been more then 3 weeks for YOU!

Freewolfman

If you hang around a barber shop long enough you`ll get a hair cut ! If you stand on a railroad track long enough you`ll get run over by a train ! etc., etc .