Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
Help
Well I am trying to work the steps ,but I don't know if I can do them .My A is still at home with us and I am not sure I have the strength to work them.He is really sucking the life right out of me.He is looking for me to clean up the financial mess we seem to be in( he seems not to be able to keep a job anymore) he thinks that it is my fault for everything that is happening to us has a family ,at the moment we might be loosing our home and all he can say is what are you going to do.All he does is walk a round the house looking at me has if to say are you going too get this mess fixed and all I can seem to think about at the moment is me and my kids.It is like he just doesn't matter to me . I am trying to get myself back to a healthy state of mind but keep feeling guilty for being so cold at him.I am struggling so hard to move ahead and just thinking is this going to get better or am I just going crazy because my life is like I was being throwen into a dryer and I am just spinning around and around.Or am I just feeling sorry for myself.I am not sure what the hell to do next.
nina
nina
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Nina -
Since your first sentence was 'you are trying to work the steps' that is what I am going to tell you about.
Working the steps will help you with all these feelings your are feeling. They will help you with the guilt you are feeling for something that you have not even done (in my case being an A, the steps helped me work through guilt for things that I had done also.).
I understand how you feel drained, but I promise if you put just a little energy into the steps your pain will be relieved. Not all at once, but it will happen. the steps are the way to freedom from the pain, I promise you this. Do you have a sponsor? someone to work them with you. I suggest that if you do have a sponsor you set a specific time every week for at least an hour to meet and then is when you can work on your steps. If you don't have a sponsor, I suggest you should get one. but if you are going through the steps by yourself set 1 hr a week minimum, write it on your calender, and that is your step working time. if you can do it more that is better, but one hr. Do as much recovery reading as you can. You have to come first!!
God Bless.
Since your first sentence was 'you are trying to work the steps' that is what I am going to tell you about.
Working the steps will help you with all these feelings your are feeling. They will help you with the guilt you are feeling for something that you have not even done (in my case being an A, the steps helped me work through guilt for things that I had done also.).
I understand how you feel drained, but I promise if you put just a little energy into the steps your pain will be relieved. Not all at once, but it will happen. the steps are the way to freedom from the pain, I promise you this. Do you have a sponsor? someone to work them with you. I suggest that if you do have a sponsor you set a specific time every week for at least an hour to meet and then is when you can work on your steps. If you don't have a sponsor, I suggest you should get one. but if you are going through the steps by yourself set 1 hr a week minimum, write it on your calender, and that is your step working time. if you can do it more that is better, but one hr. Do as much recovery reading as you can. You have to come first!!
God Bless.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nina
Working the Steps doesn't take a lot of time out of your daily schedule. If possible, get yourself to a meeting. You will meet wonderful people who have been where you are, and someone there can help you work these steps, preferably a sponsor.
Also, read the "12-step Outline" posted at the top of the Al-Anon board. Priint out the Step 1 outline, read it and give thought to the things it asks. You can work this Step anytime you can spare a moment to think clearly. Take your time with each step. Step one can take as long as you need to fully comprehend what it means and for you to practice it in your daily life. Don't even think about Steps 2 through 12, until you feel comfortable that you have a grasp of Step 1.
As for your situation with your A, if you are struggling with money problems, make sure that your money goes to an account where he can't get it. Why should you struggle to pay the bills, if he just squanders the money on drugs. It just doesn't work.
And the answer whether to stay with him or leave him, will come when you are ready. Many recovering codependents manage fine while staying with their A's, and others find that the only way to get peace is to leave. We recommend that, either way, you make a plan for yourself, financially and geographically, so that if you ever do choose to leave in a hurry, you will have a safety net in place.
By working this program, you can get your balance back and make decisions with a clear mind, uncluttered by anger, guilt and fear. Like Pauline, I too promise you that if you take the time and effort to work these steps, you will find peace where there was chaos, forgiveness where there was anger, and hope where there was pain.
My prayers are with you.
Working the Steps doesn't take a lot of time out of your daily schedule. If possible, get yourself to a meeting. You will meet wonderful people who have been where you are, and someone there can help you work these steps, preferably a sponsor.
Also, read the "12-step Outline" posted at the top of the Al-Anon board. Priint out the Step 1 outline, read it and give thought to the things it asks. You can work this Step anytime you can spare a moment to think clearly. Take your time with each step. Step one can take as long as you need to fully comprehend what it means and for you to practice it in your daily life. Don't even think about Steps 2 through 12, until you feel comfortable that you have a grasp of Step 1.
As for your situation with your A, if you are struggling with money problems, make sure that your money goes to an account where he can't get it. Why should you struggle to pay the bills, if he just squanders the money on drugs. It just doesn't work.
And the answer whether to stay with him or leave him, will come when you are ready. Many recovering codependents manage fine while staying with their A's, and others find that the only way to get peace is to leave. We recommend that, either way, you make a plan for yourself, financially and geographically, so that if you ever do choose to leave in a hurry, you will have a safety net in place.
By working this program, you can get your balance back and make decisions with a clear mind, uncluttered by anger, guilt and fear. Like Pauline, I too promise you that if you take the time and effort to work these steps, you will find peace where there was chaos, forgiveness where there was anger, and hope where there was pain.
My prayers are with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8
Hi Anne
You know I am really working the steps ,I am at step4 and there is so much work to be done on my part , and I am doing it. For me to do this step I started with a list that I made addressing each issue ,and there is alot.Now though the drinker in my life is starting to act out about AL-anon and saying how stupid it is and I am waisting my time and I should be doing something else with my time,well first I looked at him and asked him how can this be so bad if it is making me feel SO GOOD.That day I looked at him and saw for the first time how scared he is . I know that I have a lot of work a head of me but as I work each one of these steps it is like these weights are coming off my shoulders,and whether my spouse and I will be together in the end only time will tell.You know these steps are really teaching me just how much I shutt myself out of the world.This habit came from when I was child and being very lonely,but it sure feels good to come up for air.I know I have a hell of a struggle a head of me ,it is very hard to look at oneself truley open.well thanks for listening it sure feels good to be able to talk to people who really understand how I feel.
THANKYOU NINA
You know I am really working the steps ,I am at step4 and there is so much work to be done on my part , and I am doing it. For me to do this step I started with a list that I made addressing each issue ,and there is alot.Now though the drinker in my life is starting to act out about AL-anon and saying how stupid it is and I am waisting my time and I should be doing something else with my time,well first I looked at him and asked him how can this be so bad if it is making me feel SO GOOD.That day I looked at him and saw for the first time how scared he is . I know that I have a lot of work a head of me but as I work each one of these steps it is like these weights are coming off my shoulders,and whether my spouse and I will be together in the end only time will tell.You know these steps are really teaching me just how much I shutt myself out of the world.This habit came from when I was child and being very lonely,but it sure feels good to come up for air.I know I have a hell of a struggle a head of me ,it is very hard to look at oneself truley open.well thanks for listening it sure feels good to be able to talk to people who really understand how I feel.
THANKYOU NINA
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi again Nina
When we work our program, it is often confusing and scary to the A's. We are no longer predictable and they are often intimidated by our new found self-esteem. And the fact that we don't "react" to them "reacting" to our changes...well this confuses them more.
In time, they adjust and even respect our growth. Sometimes the example we set, is a positive influence on them too.
The important thing is, it is a positive influence on US. It is no longer about THEM, and what they think is not our problem.
And we no longer have to take ownership of their disease or their recovery. We no longer have to participate in their games.
And we grow a little every day.
When we work our program, it is often confusing and scary to the A's. We are no longer predictable and they are often intimidated by our new found self-esteem. And the fact that we don't "react" to them "reacting" to our changes...well this confuses them more.
In time, they adjust and even respect our growth. Sometimes the example we set, is a positive influence on them too.
The important thing is, it is a positive influence on US. It is no longer about THEM, and what they think is not our problem.
And we no longer have to take ownership of their disease or their recovery. We no longer have to participate in their games.
And we grow a little every day.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Nina,
I have had my books thrown across the room....when I first came into this program I had two people who were very angry and threatened by it...I chalk that off as normal. They think we are sitting around a table talking about them!
Today Ward knows what it has done for me..and for him because he has to live with me..LOL
Focus on you and what YOU want in your life...and one small step at a time move closer to that.
You can have peace while living with him...sometimes you may need to take a ride or leave the room. Say "I am not having this conversation with you, now" Detachment can feel cold at first but we have to start somewhere. I used to hide my books in the car and when things got crazy I would take a ride...sometimes cry and sometimes park and read. You could check your meeting list and find a possiblity almost any nite...if things are building try a new meeting. These are some things I did when I started..maybe they can help you like they did me.
Hugs,
JT
I have had my books thrown across the room....when I first came into this program I had two people who were very angry and threatened by it...I chalk that off as normal. They think we are sitting around a table talking about them!
Today Ward knows what it has done for me..and for him because he has to live with me..LOL
Focus on you and what YOU want in your life...and one small step at a time move closer to that.
You can have peace while living with him...sometimes you may need to take a ride or leave the room. Say "I am not having this conversation with you, now" Detachment can feel cold at first but we have to start somewhere. I used to hide my books in the car and when things got crazy I would take a ride...sometimes cry and sometimes park and read. You could check your meeting list and find a possiblity almost any nite...if things are building try a new meeting. These are some things I did when I started..maybe they can help you like they did me.
Hugs,
JT
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