EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I was away for four days this week, and I soooo missed checking in with u all. I have yet to get in on the chat - it's so hard cuz my kids are up till 8:30pm, and I am in the pacific time zone . I don't suppose there is any way of chatting later ?? . Anyway...
I truly wonder if I am anywhere near the right road... I think I know what I am doing, am in control of my feelings etc. and then my little friend SELF-DOUBT creeps over. For example: My hubby is still in a treatment center and so will be away for another 3 weeks. It has been a living nightmare for both of us right up until he left. He was so depressed and down on himself and wanting help, and I was at the end of my rope and ready to just take the kids and leave. So now, he is there and I am here. He has had a rough start, but is now feeling more comfortable there and getting lots out of the program etc. I WAS doing ok. I was enjoying the peace and really working on my recovery... until tonight. My hubby called, after 4 days of no contact, and told me that he asked his Dad to drive his truck to him (the treatment center is 12 hours drive away). He says that he finds it tough because there is a lot of "free time", and he has no where to go. He doesn't trust most of the guys in the center to drive him places cuz he's sure they are still going out and using etc. So can u guess what my reaction to this was?? I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to have his truck. BECAUSE I automatically assumed he would get in his truck and drive to the nearest bar / drug dealer. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Have I learned nothing? I have no control over what he does there, or if / when he gets sober, but there I go again, trying to CONTROL his drinking!!! I seriously wonder if I am just kidding myself with all of this. Maybe I am not as "healthy" as I thought. If that doesn't give u an indication of where I am at - My biggest fear is that he is gonna come home in 3 weeks and go back to drinking etc. I am not sure what to do... How do I detach from the alcoholic but still LOVE him and want to / be able to live with him??? HELP....
Meg

Morning Glory

Meg,

Calm down You are thinking of things that haven't happened yet. You are leaving today and going into the future. You can't control the future either All you can deal with is a day at a time. A day at a time! If he goes out and drinks again you will be able to handle it. We will all be here to support you everyday. You are not alone through this.

Don't let fear creep in. You have all that you need within yourself to handle what comes your way. Turn it over to your HP and try to counteract the fear with faith. We all have those times of fear and all work through these emotions. You are not unusual. You are just panicing a little. Talk positive to yourself and tell yourself what your strengths are. Try to relax and put off worrying by thinking of other things or doing other things.

You are going to be ok,

Hugs,
MG

Ann

Hi Meg

None of us know what will happen 10 minutes from now, let alone 3 weeks.

What we have learned is to work on our recovery, starting at Step 1, and working it on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis. We learn how to let go of the need to try to control them, the outcome of situations (what will he do with the truck?), and the future. When we finally let go, it leaves our minds free and open to new thought processes...faith, courage and strength.

There are always 2 possibilities with addicts in recovery...they will continue working on their recovery and stay clean..or they will relapse and contnue their journey. Their real recovery starts after they complete the treatment program, when they have to apply what they have learned to their everyday life. And, even clean, they do not become perfect human beings. I remember how I used to blame my son's personality problems on the fact he used drugs. Turns out that he has problems whether he is using or clean.

What helps you get past trying to outguess the future, is YOUR recovery. With your newfound strength you can decide how you want to handle either of the above scenerios. And you don't have to decide today...or tomorrow, but like MG said, just one day at a time. Having a plan in place to make sure you can look after yourself is a good idea. It doesn't mean you have to carry through with the plan, it just means that you will not have to panic or feel helpless. Powerless is not helpless. You don't have to be a victim, not even of your own insecurities.

Do a lot of reading, try to get to a meeting, and keep sharing here. All these things will help you get tools to cope with whatever life hands you, and it will get better and better as you work the program.

My prayers are with you both.

journeygal

Meg,

I know exactly how you feel! You wish you could keep your husband safe and you worry about what could happen, what-if this, what-if that. As others have said, trying to live in the future and predict what could happen is one of the main things that steals our peace. I too often worry about the future, but I also have a tendency to go into the past, look for signs, and try to figure out if my A had been using or not, sometimes weeks into the past! Talk about making myself crazy! And for what? There's nothing I can do about my A's using, whether it happened last week, it's happening today, or if it happens tomorrow.

You are definitely on the right track, b/c you are aware of your attempts to control his drinking and that's an important step. I couldn't see for a long time all the things I did to attempt to control my A and keep him clean. The more awareness you have, the easier it will be to change your behavior. It takes a long time to make a change, just as it took a long time to develop these habits. No one is perfect, and we'll continue to make mistakes along the way. Use this time away from your husband to focus on your recovery and definitely continue to do so once he's back home.

Hang in there - you're a lot "healthier" than you think!