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-   -   Definition of unmanagability (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/54277-definition-unmanagability.html)

cupowater 03-22-2005 04:14 AM

Definition of unmanagability
 
OK. I'm having a little bit of a hard time understanding what constitutes like to be unmanageable for the non-alcoholic. Can anyone explane?

JT 03-22-2005 04:26 AM

I misread your post and posted something entirely unappropriate...if you read it and it is gone now you are not nuts...I am.

For me my life was unmanagable because I was trying so hard to control things that were not mine to control. Other people, places and things are just not things I can change. I was trying to make my family into the Cleavers when we were much closer to the Osborns. Try to dress them up and take them out!

I spent a lot of time projecting. If he said this then I would say this but then if I did say that he would get mad and I know he would do this. I would have entire conversations in my head trying to prepare for the things that I knew were going to happen.

I was trying to control a relationship between Beav and Ward who can barely stay in a room together even to this day.

Bottom line...I was trying to control things that were not within my abilty to control. That is what made me nuts... I know I use the word control a lot but it is one of the keys to my own personal peace. Knowing what I can control and what I can't.

Great topic!!! I could go on and on...

Hugs,
JT
http://img51.exs.cx/img51/4321/jtcopy1yt.jpg

JessicaNAJ 03-22-2005 04:40 AM

For me.... All of my attention was focused on my AH and what he was doing and how I was going to fix it. I had not control over my thoughts or actions because they all revolved around him, his thoughts and his actions (my perception of them).

I became unmanageable because I was lost in my addition to his alcoholism.

minnie 03-22-2005 04:49 AM

For me, I realised that my life was unmanageable when I had no life of my own. Everything revolved around the alcoholic and his problems and I had lost my sense of self.

Al-anon, SR and counselling has helped me to begin to find who I am and how I want to live MY life.

Magichappens 03-22-2005 05:18 AM

Unmanageable meant I said yes when I wanted to say no. I did things that I was ashamed of, hurt people that I loved, and generally couldn't be happy, joyous, and free. Working and living the 12 steps gave me the ability to work through my fears, anger, and hurt so that I wasn't suffocating from them.

I was powerless over alcohol; what it was doing to my loved one, and how I reacted to it. No matter how I thought I should react, I couldn't make myself react properly and sanely without help. The power came from my group, my sponsor, and the tools they were teaching me to use. By myself, I am powerless. As long as I stay by myself, my life will be unmanageable.

Good news is that once I can really see that, and not try to pretend I can do it on my own, I can begin to plug into a power that can help. Learning that dependence on myself, dependence on a sick individual, or dependence on unhealthy ideas are not good dependencies. But dependence on a group of people who are focussed on the solution, are concerned about my well being, and aren't interested in what they can get from me is a good place to start learning healthy dependence.(Step 2)

The steps weren't some spiritual guru on a mountain ideas to me. I needed practical, simple things that I could understand and relate to. Today, I recognize unmanageability when I have turmoil inside. When I am off the path. I know today I need help when that happens. I don't have to beat my head against a wall. I can just reach out. That simple idea helped me to begin my journey into the steps. Hugs, Magic

Beautiful 03-22-2005 05:25 AM

Interesting thread. I think I became addicted to "trying" to be what my AH wanted me to be because he was such a huge bully. Now he wants to meet me "half way" and I just want to tell him to shove it.

Who knew?

cupowater 03-22-2005 07:09 AM


Originally Posted by JT

For me my life was unmanagable because I was trying so hard to control things that were not mine to control.


I have heard this from a lot of al-anon people. Do you think it is a common thing among us????

bahookie 03-22-2005 07:33 AM

I think life with an A sucks you in slowly so that you may not notice that their importance has grown out of proportion in your head.
If they are happy you are happy, if they are having a bad day you're having a bad day.

I wasn't managing that. I
wasn't managing the urge to "make her listen" to the particular brand of sense I was talking that day.
I didn't manage to fit the the rest of my life around her.
I really wasn't managing the resentments building up in my head over the years.
I didn't manage the anger that spilt out after those years.
Basically I wasn't managing myself at all. I had become unmanagable, and my life was in danger of going down a path I didn't want.

That's what I saw as unmanagable.

Jeeze, two meetings and you can't shut me up.

Love
Jane
xxx

cwohio 03-22-2005 07:47 AM

i think many of us were affected by alcoholism growing up and as a child didn't have control over our lives - then as adults look to control everything we can to make up. obviously it doesn't work. just my take!

bahookie - you go girl!!!

nocellphone 03-22-2005 01:07 PM

Today I know that my life becomes unmanageable when I'm trying to control the uncontrollable and manage the unmanageable... again.

If I'm trying to exert control over anything (or anyone) but my own actions, I'm involved in a lost cause and on my way back to the insanity I lived in prior to Al-Anon recovery. At that point, I've lost the "wisdom to know the difference" that the Serenity Prayer speaks about.

elizabeth1979 03-22-2005 01:44 PM

Unmanageable to me is when nothing goes right and everything is wrong. Nothing I do helps and begind to even back fire on me...I think to manage is to contain and regulate-thats just me...So, when his addiction/my need to control was finally something I was admittedly unable to contain or regulate...there I was with an unmanageable life.

:)

JT 03-22-2005 07:00 PM


I have heard this from a lot of al-anon people. Do you think it is a common thing among us????
I think it is the one biggest commonality. And I don't think it is about us being control freaks or growing up in an alcoholic environment or having a skewed childhood. I think it comes down to our lives moving out of the scope of what we had envisioned and we get all caught up in trying to get things back to where we think they should be.

That is only the beginning because we can't force anything or anyone to be what they are not. We keep trying tho until we run, or run out of wind.

I am convinced that if we run we will repeat the same behavior because we have still not accepted that we cannot force change. Until we accept that we can only change ourselves we will continue to repeat the same behavior.

Somehow, somewhere I was absent when that lesson was taught and I had to learn it the hard way.

((Hugs))
JT

FriendofBill 03-22-2005 07:32 PM

Fantasizing my hands around his throat = unmanageable
Obsessing in my mind where is he, whats he doing, who's he doing it with = unmanageable
NOt having any friend of my own = unmanageable
Thinking life stinks pretty much ALL of the time =unmanageable
Lost hope =unmanageable

Magichappens 03-23-2005 10:24 AM


I am convinced that if we run we will repeat the same behavior because we have still not accepted that we cannot force change. Until we accept that we can only change ourselves we will continue to repeat the same behavior. JT
AMEN.

cwohio 03-23-2005 11:24 AM

i second that AMEN! frying pan into the fire so to speak!

cupowater 03-23-2005 11:32 AM

Awwww.........The kitty avatar is gone!!!!! :(


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