This is the right post, don't know what happened
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
This is the right post, don't know what happened
A couple of months ago my husband was drunk and we were with many of his family members. He made a fool of himself but also humiliated me--talking about sex and that Viagra didn't work (implying it was my fault). I was furious and snapped at him, "Why DOESN'T it work???" (wonder why he has performance problems??) This behavior is new--humiliating me in public.
It was awkward and humiliating. I know he looked bad, so what I decided to do was ignore it, never brought it up, figuring what was the point? He'd deny it or wouldn't remember it. I thought I was detaching, letting him see what a fool he made of himself (in general). He was embarassed about the whole night but we never discussed it. He stopped drinking for a while after that. As another big family event approaches, I am dreading him doing something similar. I feel like such a #$$#%!! victim, so mad that I didn't say more. His family was a little uncomfortable when I saw them next. I feel so foolish.
Is this detachment or "just" emotional abuse that I took as the true codependent I am?
What to do if it happens again?
:yelling
It was awkward and humiliating. I know he looked bad, so what I decided to do was ignore it, never brought it up, figuring what was the point? He'd deny it or wouldn't remember it. I thought I was detaching, letting him see what a fool he made of himself (in general). He was embarassed about the whole night but we never discussed it. He stopped drinking for a while after that. As another big family event approaches, I am dreading him doing something similar. I feel like such a #$$#%!! victim, so mad that I didn't say more. His family was a little uncomfortable when I saw them next. I feel so foolish.
Is this detachment or "just" emotional abuse that I took as the true codependent I am?
What to do if it happens again?
:yelling
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
If it were me and he did something to embarrass himself, I would ignore it.
He really is showing his backside, not yours or anyone elses. Hs words and actions reflect upon him, and only him.
Just my opinion.
He really is showing his backside, not yours or anyone elses. Hs words and actions reflect upon him, and only him.
Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
He made the butt of himself but I can completely understand how you felt that you needed to defend yourself. After all, this can't be the first time and how much is enough?????
Don't take it personally, though. It was his screw up and just his screw up. You're just as beautiful and attractive as God made you- which is perfect. Keep that for nurturing your soul.
Don't take it personally, though. It was his screw up and just his screw up. You're just as beautiful and attractive as God made you- which is perfect. Keep that for nurturing your soul.
Barely There
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Adelaide Sa
Posts: 39
Hey rara
I have found the detachment thing hard as well but in the end have seen the benefits as AH can only blame himself now.
As the others have said I know it can be embarrassing for you but try to laugh it off - others are probably feeling uncomfotable too - but also feeling for you. Let him drag himself down but keep your chin up and head held high - he is solely responsible for his actions.
Even better walk away as soon as starts.
Let him know he is alone in his ridiculing and see what happens.
Best of luck!!
Aud.
I have found the detachment thing hard as well but in the end have seen the benefits as AH can only blame himself now.
As the others have said I know it can be embarrassing for you but try to laugh it off - others are probably feeling uncomfotable too - but also feeling for you. Let him drag himself down but keep your chin up and head held high - he is solely responsible for his actions.
Even better walk away as soon as starts.
Let him know he is alone in his ridiculing and see what happens.
Best of luck!!
Aud.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Detachment was very confusing for me until I realized that it wasn't just about how I reacted in a given situation. It was about dealing with the feelings that the situations caused me. Getting involved with my own recovery, and dealing with my emotions, reactions, isolation, fear, shame, anger, and guilt were a HUGE part of learning detachment.
Some of the things I did to find peace in the storms was to begin counselling, join an Al-Anon group, and begin practicing the things that would help me recover. I found that I couldn't just stop behaving in the way I had for years. I had to find ways to begin to heal and grow. Hugs, Magic
Some of the things I did to find peace in the storms was to begin counselling, join an Al-Anon group, and begin practicing the things that would help me recover. I found that I couldn't just stop behaving in the way I had for years. I had to find ways to begin to heal and grow. Hugs, Magic
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