Beautiful

reasonable and the A "determined" that they are unreasonable.


For example: I feel my AH should contribute physical time with me as part of our relational bond. He feels my expectations are too high unless I initiate it and "start the fire." Aren't relationships two ways?

Example 2: The Christmas decorations needed to be carried to the basement. I had knee reconstruction in early January so I couldn't walk. After at least 20 askings, he finally carried them to the basement last week amidst the groanings that I was "nagging."


Who is to blame? You can probably guess that I am unwilling to accept responsibility for the decorations -- hell would freeze over if I didn't continue to ask. Is that considered nagging?? Seriously, I so view these two examples as Avoidance of common adult responsibilities. And, maybe TMI, but avoiding sex????

How is #2 Co-Dependent if you can't walk?

Am I wrong?

cwohio

i don't think #2 is codie. yes relationships are supposed to be two-way, but i don't think that's in the "a marriage" plan.

3Critters

You're not wrong... boy does this sound familiar. I've been asking my AH to clean up the garage for a month. He flat out ignores my requests. I finally gave up and did it myself, took a truckload of garbage to the dump. Ugh. I have to do EVERYTHING around the house, and no matter what I say, I'm nagging.

I guess I don't have any words of wisdom, but boy do I feel your pain.

nocellphone

Yes, at least when both parties are healthy and able to do the things that are necessary to keep the relationship healthy: communication, compromise, respect, etc.

A relationship is a two-way street. Sounds like his side may be under construction...


I don't think so, but I understand the idea of doubting oneself. That's part of how I have been affected by other's alcoholism. My Al-Anon sponsor and other supports help me stay on track where that's concerned.

JessicaNAJ

The only way I would get my AH to do anything is if I asked. After years of "training" him ( ) he got it through his head that he needs to straighten up and cook supper and if I had somewhere to go on Sunday, he'd do laundry. Yes, I do think I've manipulated him at time too in order to get him to help.

Finally though, it got to the point, if I want something done, I need to do it myself ~ then he'd pitch in.... Now I can work on my own car and build swingsets....lol

cupowater

If I ask my AH to take the trash down to the end of the lane, (we have a long driveway) I hear the moaning and groaning and complaining. But if I just go ahead and do it myself (because I don't want to hear him gripe) I hear, I would have done that. Can't win! I think its their immature way of thinking.

Beautiful

when a person learns a new something:

Knowledge for knowledge's sake as I say.

But there comes a time when the AH is just taking advantage of a situation. My H is a dry drunk and just back into recovery. I understand change is slow but my patience is really worn thin after almost 8 years. Asking just falls on the "I'll put it on my list (right behind everything else)." I've asked him to keep a "to do" list, but that falls on deaf ears.

Quite honestly, this isn't sounding very promising. Hmmmm......

queenofthehwy

The only time my AH does anything is after I have a breakdown and freak on everyone for not doing thier share. But that only lasts a couple days.

What's a girl to do???

elizabeth1979

Hi! I wanted to share with you the definitoin from the dictionary of unreasonable.
Unreasonable- excessive, going beyond what is reasonable or just.

Hmmm...I think its reasonable to ask someone to contribute...geez, you are not asking for him to move mountains, just the decorations/trash/laundry...not out the realm of reasonable I wouldn't think.

Beautiful

THANK YOU!

I thought "I" was the unreasonable one. But then, I think I'm getting the hang of having co-dependent tendencies. Thanks for the "check" of my behavior. It seems that my AH needs to get off of his rear and start contributing to our home.

Now THAT'S REASONABLE!!!!!!

rara

As far as "a" as a two way street, I think that A's often ask you to initiate because they want to control the situation, and you, or if they just "can't" do it. My AH does this, it gets very old.

However, if it is simply that he feels you don't initiate, that is different. I think that is a two-way street.

myselfagain

My ex AH has been out of the house (and not coming back) for just over 1 year.
I was telling a friend today how nothing around here has changed since he has been gone. (Really, a lot has changed, everyone here is happy now). I have not had to pick up any responibilities that once belonged to him. I had been doing everything for several years.
Now I enjoy taking care of everything and the kids help also. I enjoy it because i am happy now. No longer ****-- at him for not doing his fair share.
F---ing amasing isnt it, the sh-- we put up with and then we hit our bottom and refuse to put up with it anymore.
just my 2 cents

wraybear

What is this tendency for our A's laziness anyway? Mine got worse and worse over the years, to where all he does is watch tv or sleep. I know part of it is depression, but he will do ABSOLUTELY nothing on his own. If I ask him to do a particular thing, he'll say he'll do it tomorrow. And it never gets done.

And it seems they are all like this. What is the deal? Hey men out there, are your A wives the same?

brightlight

I gave up. He does what he wants and if I ask him to do something then it probably will not get done. I decided that if he was gone forever then I would have to do everything anyway, so I might as well do it now. He helps a lot, but I have found that he does a lot when I just ignore him and act like life is fine. I think he then realizes he is the one with a problem a not me. It is getting where he does my work when he helps like dishes and clothes, but putting in a new water pump in the truck gets put off or washing the truck. Things that he used to do are not getting done, so it will be me.

Beautiful

is that, now that AH is traveling more on business, my house is clean, my kids are happy, I am happy....even the dog is peaceful and happy. So, if all these things are true then what is the purpose of staying in a relationship that, at this point, will just perpetuate another generation of the cycle?

I have no problems living on my own and relish the time he's gone.

Is love truly enough?

escape artist

my AH has the wonderful habit of doing chores around the house before he goes on his binge! it's almost like a big clue! but i also wonder if maybe that is how his mom raised him, you can't go out and drink unless you clean your room, take out the garbage blah blah blah- or else he does it for extra points since he knows he's going to lose some soon afterwards. i don't know why. i don't complain, sometimes i throw in a few more things he can clean "while he's at it".
since i have started detaching, i find that if i am not inclined to do it and he isn't either, it can just sit there til whomever is sick of looking at it the most decides to do something about it. actually, i think i told him something like that when we first got married. he started criticising me because there was some kind of mess on the floor. i looked at him and said, "if it bothers you that &*(*&(% much, YOU clean it!" and he did! course, i have issues about cleaning the kitchen, a rebellious kind of attitude stemming from my childhood dish duty in a family of 9. so i kind of enjoy letting the dishes sit in the sink!

cupowater

Me too. But you know, the funny thing is, that is I DO do somethin, and not make any mention of it, and he just discovers it, he will say something like: "Well, you don't need ME anymore" I feel like saying, "Nope! I DON'T need you"! It's so "clingy" and childish!!!!!

queenofthehwy

Yep same here!!! I hate it when they feel sorry for themselves.
What about this one, what you don't think I know how to do anything do you? Well duh!

ahcb

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies,

As one of only.mmmmm one? guy on this board. I feel I am forced to break ranks and defend all of us men.

We do not have time for mere chores (sex yes, that is not a chore. we could be on the operating table donating a kidney and we would still say "ya I got time")

we study the world and itts problems Science for example

How long before the guk on the floor burns a hole into it?

complex problems and find solutions..

Sink is full. Dirty dishes over flow. Do i do the dishes??? OR- Honey going to the store for paper plates!!

AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT LADIES I GOT A BRIDGE FOR SALE>>>

Do you think the guys actually built the pyramids? The fact is we men stood around and said "Tut babe, im thinking pool, maybe some neon lights, oh and a bar, chicks LOVE bars." mmmm what do the woman want now? What the hell is with all the stone???

Remember Columbus? It was the QUEEN who gave him the ships..He gave the queen the new lands and of course he also gave the new land new words and concepts, such as rape, pillar, syphilis, murder and mayhem..

mmmm What the hell was my point here????

Oh yeah..sex!

benefits

My ABF did nothing around the house - occasionally he would cook dinner (maybe 3 times a year) and that didn't bother me because I like to take care of the house - I like it the way I like it and I will take care to make sure it is that way. He was responsible for the outside of the house - he claims to love yardwork. In the beginning he was good about doing all this stuff but as the drinking and drugs progressed he did less and less. So I just decided if I wanted something done I would do it myself. Then I started fixing things around the house and he made the comment that I am getting really self sufficient - he wonders if I'm planning to get rid of him. Well truth was I wasn't really planning to get rid of him but I think it did make getting rid of him easier because I realized that he was really pretty much useless. Does that sound horrrible??