3Critters

Hi everyone. I'm new to these message boards, but hope to find great support here. I'm not new to alcoholism. Been married to an alcoholic for 9 years, together for 12.

I'm giving him an ultimatum tonight: either he enters a treatment program or we separate. It is time for this drastic move, he's becoming increasingly angry during drunk episodes, and he physically attacked the husband of my best friend over the weekend. He hasn't been violent with me or the kids, but I'm not taking chances.

I love the man with all my heart. The thought of living without him scares me to death. But he spends every single night in the basement drinking and smoking and watching TV or playing XBox, leaving me to tend to our 3 kids after a long day's work. I can't deal anymore.

Does it make me weak that I'm to the point where I can't stand it? I just don't know what else to do, but I know that I can't live like this for another 50 years.

Have made arrangements to drop the kids off at my brothers so we can talk alone. Anyone have advice on what to expect, or want to share their experience?

thanks much,

3Critters

cwohio

3critters - i am to the point that you are. does it make you weak - NO - this is a strong move!

i just called my legal plan at work to get a couple attys. names so that i can get some basic information regarding separation vs. divorce vs. dissolution, etc. i know that i can make it on my own but i am still having issues with leaving part - confrontation (not necessarily violent), etc. mine has been retired for 2 years and the past year has absolutely gone downhill - drinks, eats, smokes, watches tv, sleeps period and also has been thru several withdrawal seizure episodes & detoxes. i am sitting where you are sitting!

walkingtheline

I'm sure there are many here who can share their story...and I'd bet all are unique based on who they are and who their partner is.

In my case the ABF insists every problem is fixable...except of course he doesn't feel his drinking is a problem. So, he's GOT to go.

Because of the recent violence, please formulate a plan of self protection.
Have your keys, purse and a few bucks somewhere that you can grab them in a hurry if you need to flee. If you have a neighbor who is also a good friend, set up a signal...you know, something like...if my front porch light goes on and off twice in a row, please dial 911 for me. If you have a cell phone keep it in your pocket in case you need help.

Weakness is doing nothing. Strength is acting in what you've decided is in your best interest.

I applaud your resolve-stay strong, stay safe.

drgnfly30

3Critters - I don't have any words of wisdom - I am no where near giving my AH of 15 years (20 years together) that ultimatum... but stay safe, the violence can easily transfer to you if you are in his line of fire at the wrong time (especially if your AH has blackouts like mine)...

I had to chuckle abit at WTL's suggestion about the porch light though... My AH checks & rechecks the locks & the light about 15 times a night... If I had that plan I'd have the cops at my house every night!

Hugs, good luck, stay safe & keep us posted!
Christine

nocellphone

It's never "weak" to set firm boundaries. What you're doing is taking measures appropriate to the situation you've described before things become potentially worse.

There's nothing wrong with refusing to accept unacceptable behavior.

I've found that when it comes to ultimatums (or, as we call 'em in my house, "old tomatoes"), people are most receptive when I keep things in the "I" ("I feel...", "I need...", "I hope...") and keep away from anything that might sound accusatory or otherwise threatening ("You, you, you..."). There are prob'ly enough embers burning already without adding gasoline to 'em...

pinky

Firstly, I think you will find the support of this site amazing. I have only been posting a few days and already it is so comforting to know that I can, at any time "talk" to others in very similar situations. As for the talk, I have recently had this with my Ah and no it isnt easy. I too was and still am very much in love with my husband but I also know that I cant go on like this. Mine too has become more violent with the drinking and has been arrested twice for assault on other people and has recently gained himself a DUI. I also have 3 children and it scares me to think that it is only a matter of time before that violence enters our home. (He has been very close a few times). Yo are in no way being weak by taking control of your life, this is one of the most coragous things you could do. All I can say is be strong, stay calm and go for it. But please make sure you are safe. Good luck, let us know how it goes. xpinkyx

elizabeth1979

I dont think you are weak...when you carry the load for someone else for so long, it doesnt matter how strong you are, you will break! Its not right for you to live like this...and you are not asking for a divorce, or miracles, just that he try and go to rehab...thats a good place and if he wants wellness, he will be happy to go...maybe he wont even fight? Its hard to anticipate what he might do, just prepare yourself for all versions of his antics and stay strong, keep your wits about you and you can do this. It could be what will save his life, or your marriage...but most importantly your sanity and helath!
Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

3Critters

Thanks so much to everyone for your help, I find the support of this site amazing. Things went well, he's going to give it a try, he didn't fight it, he knows he has a problem and he wants to fix it. But I'm not sure he's willing to give IT ALL up. He still wants to be able to drink in social situations. I just don't know about that... Honestly, if he could drink occasionally (on social occasions) without it falling back into the pattern of him drinking a 12 pack a day, I would be fine with that. But is that even possible???

So now I'm in a 'wait and see' pattern. He had one night of sobriety, we talked, went out to dinner, watched tv together (instead of him hanging out in the game room ignoring me), and went to bed at the same time, which led to great intimacy. It was nice, and I hope it lasts. But for how long?

Again, thanks for your help, and I have already added this site to my favorites. I think I'll be on here a lot in the future. And I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting to get a handle on my own feelings. Because I really meant it when I told him I won't live like this anymore.

zoe

Sounds like you have taken the first step to "I". Now keep going and back it up. You told him you would not live like this anymore so don't.Show him that you are changeing the way you live and it may just be possible that he will change also. My H thought for years that he could drink socially but he can't. He now knows this and I think with the therapist it is finally getting thru to him that his family is more important than a bottle of beer. Still waiting for that step back but not dreading it as much.
Zoe

cwohio

good luck 3critters - i am praying for 1 more a to see the light and want to help themselves!