osier59

Hi all!
I am about to embark on a 2 part trip - first to visit my new beau and his 5 yr old daughter. We've known each other since preschook , but just found each other again after 25 yrs. I am SO afraid I will mess this one up and he's such a good guy with a lot of strong recovery. WHY am I so scared????

Then I go to stay with my mom while she recovers from surgery. She lives in a shell surrounded by denial. I have grown so much and have dealt with most of my childhood demons which she chooses to either ignore totally or discount hugely. She is curious about my life now and my recovery and I don't know what to tell her! My recovery is based on a past she chooses to ignore.

ANY help would be appreciated!!

Morning Glory

My mother is the same. I think that's the best they can do. Even when my mother realizes what I'm telling her, she quickly forgets that it ever happened. I just try to have a separate relationship with my mom and talk about my issues elsewhere. It does no good at all to discuss anything with my mom or the rest of my family for that matter. They would rather make me wrong than face the truth. I got tired of them making me wrong so I started keeping everything to myself.

It's hard sometimes because it's a superficial relationship with everyone, but that's not my fault. They can't handle the truth. I wish I could live in a fairy tale world too.

Hugs,
MG

JT

O59,

You know what...our mothers and fathers have there own baggage and I am a very strong believer that they did the very best that they knew how to do at the time...I do not believe, that no matter how bad things may have been for us that they intended to harm us in any way. It was very possibly the same for them. After all where did they learn from?

Now there is the occasional psycho...and that is not what I am talking about here.

Your mother comes from another generation...she did not have the opportunities or the education that we have ( I hope I am not totally off base here). I would "wait and see" what she wants to know and err on the side of compassion.

Hugs,

JT

Ann

O59

Just be yourself. Not easy for us codependents who are often not even sure who we are, but just go with it.

After 25 years, everyone changes, in good ways and sometimes not so good. Just go as a childhood friend and be yourself. Be honest about who you are and enjoy him for who he is today. I am not sure what you mean by "new beau", but it sounds like you have communicated, but not met yet. Either way, relax and enjoy the reunion. What is meant to be will be.

Same with your mother. Respect her right to her opinions...it doesn't mean you have to agree. If a discussion feels right, then go there. If it gives you bad vibes...stick to neutral territory and enjoy each other's company. You do not have to participate in any discussion, blame throwing, or guilt trips, if you just choose not too. Those conversations die out pretty quickly when they are one sided with no reaction. Don't take ownership of her denial or her issues...they are not yours.

And in both situations, plan an escape for if it gets uncomfortable. Even short escapes, if you need to be with your mother. And use the escape time to get your balance and relax again.

Pack your recovery suitcase with patience, tolerance, respect for others and yourself, and some good reading material, and enjoy the journey. Don't second guess tomorrow.

Have a wonderful time.

journeygal

Osier,

My family has lived in a (mushroom) cloud of denial my entire life. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who has been in recovery for the past 11 years. However, no one has EVER discussed how his addiction affected my brother and me. For all I know, my parents think they got off pretty easy, considering neither me nor my brother have substance abuse problems. However, they have no idea I'm married to an addict 8 months into recovery, they have no idea I'm a codependent who's been in therapy for the past year, and they have no idea that I've been attending al-anon and nar-anon meetings to try and bring some sanity to my life. We've never talked about anything of importance. They would be very surprised to find out what a mess my life has been emotionally - from them I learned to keep up a great front! (Excellent front I should say - no one has a clue my husband is an addict. My parents taught me too well how to hide the family addiction )

Anyway, I'm interested to see how things go with your mom. In my opinion, if she's interested in hearing about your recovery, she's making a huge step. I doubt my parents will ever welcome such a conversation.

Good luck!