What do you do when?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
What do you do when?
The AB begs you to talk to him just "ONE MORE TIME" after he's lied consistently (proven lies) and doesn't do anything to better himself.
He'll try things for awhile (like the Canpral), but then after about a week, he goes right back to the booze and booze only. Completely stops taking the drugs and says that he's called the DR. for an appt. for counseling, but that "they never call me back" and I know that's a lie.
He's supposed to sign up for level 2 alcohol classes for an old DUI that he had and didn't finish those classes. He hasn't signed up for them and he only has so much time left to do them in.
If he doesn't this time, he's looking at an 18 month sentence in jail (of which he'll spend probably 2/3rds of that in jail), losing his home, his job and he's 45.
He messes up, tells me "you're the only one that will listen to me", when there are others (AA sponsors have called him, people from church) and he chooses not to reach out to them, but to tell me over and over "I can't make it if I don't have you".
I realize that is total manipulation. I've done the loving, supporting thing and still continue to, but NOT when he's lying to me or manipulating me. I've got a life, too.
Any comments, suggestions, advice?
Thank you SO much! I love you guys and your caring and wisdom.
He'll try things for awhile (like the Canpral), but then after about a week, he goes right back to the booze and booze only. Completely stops taking the drugs and says that he's called the DR. for an appt. for counseling, but that "they never call me back" and I know that's a lie.
He's supposed to sign up for level 2 alcohol classes for an old DUI that he had and didn't finish those classes. He hasn't signed up for them and he only has so much time left to do them in.
If he doesn't this time, he's looking at an 18 month sentence in jail (of which he'll spend probably 2/3rds of that in jail), losing his home, his job and he's 45.
He messes up, tells me "you're the only one that will listen to me", when there are others (AA sponsors have called him, people from church) and he chooses not to reach out to them, but to tell me over and over "I can't make it if I don't have you".
I realize that is total manipulation. I've done the loving, supporting thing and still continue to, but NOT when he's lying to me or manipulating me. I've got a life, too.
Any comments, suggestions, advice?
Thank you SO much! I love you guys and your caring and wisdom.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
No advice. My AH is in similar situation. Just completed a 30-day rehab, and had all week to contact his PO, and chose not to. So, there is probably a warrant out for his arrest, his drivers license expired while he was in rehab, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP HIM. NOTHING. It is not helping him by taking care of his business, as that gives them an excuse to continue to do nothing.
So, as they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
You say "I've done the loving supporting thing" - me too. I've done it all. I've done the kick him out and let him fall so he will seek help, i've done the yelling, i've done the taking care of him, I've done the detaching and not taking any responsibility for his stuff, and I always had one goal in mind... to try to get him to sober up. And, nothing works. We don't have that kind of power.
He says "I can't make it if I don't have you" well, they obviously can't make when they do have us. Just something for us to think about.
Peace!
So, as they say, nothing changes if nothing changes.
You say "I've done the loving supporting thing" - me too. I've done it all. I've done the kick him out and let him fall so he will seek help, i've done the yelling, i've done the taking care of him, I've done the detaching and not taking any responsibility for his stuff, and I always had one goal in mind... to try to get him to sober up. And, nothing works. We don't have that kind of power.
He says "I can't make it if I don't have you" well, they obviously can't make when they do have us. Just something for us to think about.
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: MO
Posts: 20
Something else to think about....... How about when they do get into recovery, and perhaps get real serious about it for once in their lives and then they dump us?
This is my current situation. And although of course it is all my fault, I feel resentment on top of the guilt slapped on me from the emotional manipulation!
I would take into consideration all of the loving support you are giving and that if he ends up getting help some day that he could abandon you.
This has happened to me more than once.
What kind of loving, support are you giving yourself?
Whatever you do for him, please check your motives and expectations. If your loving support comes with the expectation that you will get it in return from him someday....... Consider, would you be lovingly supporting him, if you knew that you wouldn't be getting it in return?
And with the a's there are never any guarentees.
I share your journey.....
Hugs
This is my current situation. And although of course it is all my fault, I feel resentment on top of the guilt slapped on me from the emotional manipulation!
I would take into consideration all of the loving support you are giving and that if he ends up getting help some day that he could abandon you.
This has happened to me more than once.
What kind of loving, support are you giving yourself?
Whatever you do for him, please check your motives and expectations. If your loving support comes with the expectation that you will get it in return from him someday....... Consider, would you be lovingly supporting him, if you knew that you wouldn't be getting it in return?
And with the a's there are never any guarentees.
I share your journey.....
Hugs
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
You have to decide how many more times you'll listen to "one more time" and take him back. No one else can make that decision. If you were in his shoes, and said, "one more time", would he take you back time after time. I honestly doubt it.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Girlfriend,
Replace all the words he is saying with QUACK QUACK QUACK. That is the voice of an active A. He's quacking. It can't and won't make sense. It's just quacking.
Here is my favorite post of all time, just for your quick reference. It was posted by Jon, who is the big cheese of these boards:
"My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior.
You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.
You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction.
I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else.
It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Replace all the words he is saying with QUACK QUACK QUACK. That is the voice of an active A. He's quacking. It can't and won't make sense. It's just quacking.
Here is my favorite post of all time, just for your quick reference. It was posted by Jon, who is the big cheese of these boards:
"My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior.
You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them.
You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction.
I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else.
It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Unfortunately, there will always be a time when they need "one more chance." What they mean is one more chance to make you forget all the things I have done so you will make it easy for me to TAKE TAKE TAKE. I don't know about you, but I am tired of GIVING and never getting anything back!
Good luck!
Sarah Elizabeth
Good luck!
Sarah Elizabeth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Unfortunately, there will always be a time when they need "one more chance." What they mean is one more chance to make you forget all the things I have done so you will make it easy for me to TAKE TAKE TAKE
Take Care,
Mindi
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
