I would rather be alone.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
I would rather be alone.
I did something for myself. A girlfriend and I got a hotel room yesterday at 3p, took the kids to swim and play and spend the night. It was relaxing. It was nice being with an adult who likes to talk and communicate. Her kids called their dad probably three times to say "we love you" "we miss you" etc. I had no desire to call home.
Warning! A huge codie moment coming...
Now, back home. Ho hum. Ho hum.
He has been home from rehab since Monday.
He hasn't called his PO yet.
He hasn't looked at any of his mail or bills. (Mail and bills are getting close to two months old now)
His back hurts but he won't call a doctor.
He went to a meeting Tuesday and Wednesday. None since.
He seems SO depressed. He said the people at rehab told him they don't recommend antidepressants because it's all "in your head" - he knows better. I think he just out and out lied to me. I can't imagine professionals in a rehab unit saying that. He has been prescribed ad's at least 4 times in the past few years. Takes them for a week or two. Got some back in January and the bottle sounds full.
He finally took a bath last night for the first time.
He hasn't seen the kids since Wednesday evening and within 10 minutes of us getting home this afternoon, he goes to bed.
I wonder if he is afraid to get better. To get healthy.
He hasn't been totally clean since prior to "the" accident over three years ago. He has been on oxycontin, then methadone and drinking off and on.
I am not capable of living with him if he is going to behave this way. I just don't have it in me. I don't know if he is capable of being a partner in this marriage or a father to his kids.
I would rather be alone than live like this any longer. I am so lonely when he is here. I am not lonely when he isn't here. I never ever should have agreed to let him come home from rehab. I am so very dissappointed and sad. I didn't expect this to be easy. I didn't expect this to be rosy. I didn't expect this to be fun. I didn't expect this.
I feel like I MUST talk to him about this. I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to tell him I would rather be alone, than have an uninvolved partner. I want him to WANT to be healthy. I want him to WANT to be part of this family.
Ho hum. I must go get a tissue.
Warning! A huge codie moment coming...
Now, back home. Ho hum. Ho hum.
He has been home from rehab since Monday.
He hasn't called his PO yet.
He hasn't looked at any of his mail or bills. (Mail and bills are getting close to two months old now)
His back hurts but he won't call a doctor.
He went to a meeting Tuesday and Wednesday. None since.
He seems SO depressed. He said the people at rehab told him they don't recommend antidepressants because it's all "in your head" - he knows better. I think he just out and out lied to me. I can't imagine professionals in a rehab unit saying that. He has been prescribed ad's at least 4 times in the past few years. Takes them for a week or two. Got some back in January and the bottle sounds full.
He finally took a bath last night for the first time.
He hasn't seen the kids since Wednesday evening and within 10 minutes of us getting home this afternoon, he goes to bed.
I wonder if he is afraid to get better. To get healthy.
He hasn't been totally clean since prior to "the" accident over three years ago. He has been on oxycontin, then methadone and drinking off and on.
I am not capable of living with him if he is going to behave this way. I just don't have it in me. I don't know if he is capable of being a partner in this marriage or a father to his kids.
I would rather be alone than live like this any longer. I am so lonely when he is here. I am not lonely when he isn't here. I never ever should have agreed to let him come home from rehab. I am so very dissappointed and sad. I didn't expect this to be easy. I didn't expect this to be rosy. I didn't expect this to be fun. I didn't expect this.
I feel like I MUST talk to him about this. I don't know what to say. I don't know whether to tell him I would rather be alone, than have an uninvolved partner. I want him to WANT to be healthy. I want him to WANT to be part of this family.
Ho hum. I must go get a tissue.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Oh Wray!!!
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you want to talk to him, if you are having this strong of feelings about it, you need to do it. I don't know how, but you can't keep this to yourself and let yourself become depressed too. I hope you will find the words you need.
Mindi
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. If you want to talk to him, if you are having this strong of feelings about it, you need to do it. I don't know how, but you can't keep this to yourself and let yourself become depressed too. I hope you will find the words you need.
Mindi
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
wray - i am sorry this is not turning out better for you. i know how you feel except mine wouldn't even get into any kind of rehab. you eventually will have to let him know your feelings or it could eat you up and come out inappropriately.
i wish you peace and prayers that you will be able to let him know.
hugs - chris
i wish you peace and prayers that you will be able to let him know.
hugs - chris
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, wraybear, God. I see this from both sides. My husband 15 years ago was depressed and undiagnosed, and it is so hard being with an uninvolved apathetic partner. I left. Needing some life in my life. Then, I am very sick with depression and must remain on meds my whole life or I am that person who cannot take a bath or dress or function at all. I take my meds as the most important thing I do every day, because before I would take them, feel better, get my life in order and decide I didn't need them anymore. Unfortunately and the hard way, I learned it is a progressive illness and each episode is worse. I will NEVER not take them again, the last one was so bad I don't think I have another recovery in me. I will not chance that. I cannot afford to. I am only grateful now for the modern medicine that has saved my life, and for SR who held me up until they took affect and continued to support me.
But, as with alcoholism, only the ill can decide to pursue wellness once shown the way.
My ex-husband remains ill.
I am trying very hard not to be.
hugs...and God, how I understand, I would rather be alone and alive rather than under a black cloud.....that suffocates all life.
love,
live
But, as with alcoholism, only the ill can decide to pursue wellness once shown the way.
My ex-husband remains ill.
I am trying very hard not to be.
hugs...and God, how I understand, I would rather be alone and alive rather than under a black cloud.....that suffocates all life.
love,
live
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Oh Wray, I know how you feel. It sometimes doesn't get better after rehab, bc as with mine and yours, they are not working any recovery program, so they arent working on what causes the drinking isnt getting fixed! I wanted to strangle him for what he wasnt doing for himself. I feel your pain and wish you wellness...I am having to stay away from mine bc I am not strong enough to mentally handle this right now, and I want to help him but can;t. Maybe its best to get some distance from him right now. Do you have the option of asking him to leave again for a while?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Wraybear, I am sorry, but I feel I have to add this. A depressed person will not tell their doctor how sick and non-functional they are. There is too much shame attached.
As I mentioned before, my daughter took me to the Dr and totally ratted me out. It was a gift of love that began my wellness path. I want to suggest a last ditch effort, to follow my daughter's lead and accompany him to the DR and totally tell it like it is.
Then, you have done everything you can do.
We depressed people are truly unable to think right. We hide our illness and symptoms or at least try to, or isolate. The sense of shame and failure is overwhelming.
Blessings to both of you!
As I mentioned before, my daughter took me to the Dr and totally ratted me out. It was a gift of love that began my wellness path. I want to suggest a last ditch effort, to follow my daughter's lead and accompany him to the DR and totally tell it like it is.
Then, you have done everything you can do.
We depressed people are truly unable to think right. We hide our illness and symptoms or at least try to, or isolate. The sense of shame and failure is overwhelming.
Blessings to both of you!
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
Wray--I'm so sorry things are going so pourly--I think you said something that is probably very true--"I don't know if he is capable of being a partner in this marriage...
That is probably very true and it is probably also true that you have done all that you
can to be a partner to him--you may have to take a big step back or away and
see if he will reach for recovery. It's very hard to except that we can not will our mate to seek recovery.--I really hope something good happens for you soon--you
really need a break--Huggs and prayers--Dee
That is probably very true and it is probably also true that you have done all that you
can to be a partner to him--you may have to take a big step back or away and
see if he will reach for recovery. It's very hard to except that we can not will our mate to seek recovery.--I really hope something good happens for you soon--you
really need a break--Huggs and prayers--Dee
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
thanks for your replies everyone. Since he has been on oxycontin then methadone ever since the accident 3 years ago last October, I guess I have "forgotten" about this depression. Now, I remember it. Isn't it funny the things we "choose" to forget.
I did talk to him, with concern and love, but I was pretty darn honest too. And, I told him I couldn't go on like this. And I didn't understand why he would rather live like this than to take an antidepressant. Anyway, at first he accused me of nagging and that he could tell I had spent the night with my girlfriend. I assured him, I didn't talk to her because I didn't want to as I wanted to ENJOY my evening, finally he realized he can't blame this on my friend, or me, and he agreed that he is depressed. So, step 1! He also said he would look Monday for a therapist because he can't live like this any longer either.
So, we shall see. Thanks again for your replies.
PS. he is drug and alcohol free since Feb 22nd! (he is counting the suboxene they gave him for withdrawal, they gave him his last dose on Feb 21st)
I did talk to him, with concern and love, but I was pretty darn honest too. And, I told him I couldn't go on like this. And I didn't understand why he would rather live like this than to take an antidepressant. Anyway, at first he accused me of nagging and that he could tell I had spent the night with my girlfriend. I assured him, I didn't talk to her because I didn't want to as I wanted to ENJOY my evening, finally he realized he can't blame this on my friend, or me, and he agreed that he is depressed. So, step 1! He also said he would look Monday for a therapist because he can't live like this any longer either.
So, we shall see. Thanks again for your replies.
PS. he is drug and alcohol free since Feb 22nd! (he is counting the suboxene they gave him for withdrawal, they gave him his last dose on Feb 21st)
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