Dazed&Confused

I have been lurking around this site for a couple of weeks now. I feel the "power" that is here...there is nothing like being "around" those that have "been there, done that", ya know?

I have a question.

But first...for a very brief history....I have been married for 29 years. Alcohol has become an issue with my husband...meaning that he has developed a relationship with it...in the last five years or so. It was triggered by a life-staggering event. We recently began counseling. It was my hope that the counselor would tell him that he was an alcoholic and needed to deal with it. It was his hope that she would tell me that I was a controlling lunatic and needed to control myself.

What transpired was that she told him that unless he admitted he has a problem, then he just doesn't have a problem. She told me to go to Al-Anon.

Which I have. Tonite I come back from my second meeting in four days.

I feel it already. I know that it will have a positive influence on me, and I am "soaking" up the vibes and the information and the well-being that is felt there.

But I have a question, and I have learned that I cannot really get direct answers at meetings.

It has to do with the "detaching" issue.

How, in all honesty, am I to allow him to do his thing, whatever that may be on any given night, and act (altho I understand after a while it is not to be an "act" but reality) as though it doesn't concern me? If he comes home trashed and it is 2:30 in the morning and I haven't slept and know that I will not sleep for hours and yet have to get up at 6:30 a.m. for work...and I am to not show concern...is that not condoning his behavior?

In his mind he will say "cool, she's cool" and I see it as a form of reinforcement...no consequences, no grief, why the hell not? Why would it not be seen as a relief and an excuse to continue the behavior? That's probably his wildest and best dream...that he can drink himself to death and I will not raise my voice or show concern or worry about him in the least.

This is my confusion.

Can anyone help?

JessicaNAJ

You don't have to condone what he's doing. But you do have to work on letting him do his own thing. AND you HAVE to work on you so him, being him, does not interfer with you and your well-being.

There were so many nights I couldn't sleep because my AH wasn't home. I'd stay up all night worrying about him. Then, he'd come strolling in drunk without a care in the world. Boy would I lay into him. But then, I got to a point where I was tired of worrying about what he was doing and where he was and was he okay. I needed my sleep or I was going to be of no use to anyone. I would lay in bed, pray for his safety, pray for my peace and just kept praying until I feel asleep.

I think you will notice that once you start doing the opposite of what he expects, his behavior will change. YOU have to stay strong and stay focused on you.

It will get better....

Stick around, we're here for you.

Dazed&Confused

Thank you so much for your reply.

I hear ya, I really do. It's what I know I SHOULD do....doing it is just SO difficult...if he comes in and finds me sound asleep, then I just don't understand why he wouldn't feel a sense of relief and acknowledgement that it's just so OK...that he can do this and there's nothing wrong with it...

Your message is that it's all in the power of prayer...and that is something I do believe in but have distanced myself from...and need to get back to.

JennyK

I did first question detachment, until I did 2 things...

I realized that detaching from his drinking and having nothing to replace that behavior was unhealthy for me. So I began to ATTACH to myself. It was the start of a great quest to find myself and identify who I was as an adult. It has been a wonderful thing. All the energy that I used to spend trying to turn him into the person I wanted him to be, was then spent turning me (and still turning me) into the person I want to be. It is a blessing...really.

And as far has giving him permission. With or without your attention he is going to drink until he decides not to. My husband recently shared with me, that once I stopped nagging him and reminding him of how horrible he was, and worrying for him and being angry at him...that when he woke up in the morning it was not relief that he felt (well, he said he felt that for a short time), but rather he had to feel those things about himself. I was getting in the way of him thinking about him.

My take on detachment...and welcome.

Jenny

JessicaNAJ

Praying helped me through a lot - it gives me peace... but talking to people and getting different points of view helped more.

IMOP - You are not saying to him that it is okay what he's doing. You are saying to him that regardless of his actions, you are putting yourself first.

If he came in and found you sound asleep, he may be thinking "WHAT, she don't care??" Who knows what he's thinking, those are his thoughts.... you are not responsible for them, let him own 'em.

Give it time, you didn't get into this "spot" over night.

queenofthehwy

Dazed,

To me detaching(and I still struggle) just meant more peace for me and my kids. It also means I can take the focus off of him and start to care about me. One thing that helped me figure the whole thing out was thinking of it this way, if I am a raving lunetic then he can easly blame me for him drinking, if I am detached he has no one to "blame" but himself. Hope this helps.

Mindi

JessicaNAJ

Mindi!

Dazed&Confused

Jeez, I love you guys already. I just haven't had anyone that can relate...and have not felt free to express myself with most people...and already you guys make me cry, just because you're here and you're listening and you're responding and I'm listening...oh, I am so listening!

I have been so torn apart for so long and I have been so sad and so alone and feeling so vulnerable. I am so tired of crying...I think I have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life.

I do see the point in that if I am not a raving lunatic then he cannot blame his behavior on me. I am trying...I have been trying desperately. I see a big difference in myself in the past couple of months. Not that I am FEELING any less, but I am making a HUGE effort in trying not to SHOW what I am feeling.

I am just so SAD!!! I have been with this man since I was 18 and it has been over 30 years...and NEVER would I have imagined that I would be where I am now. It's because I know the difference...this man has changed in the last 5 years of our 30+ years together...he is such a good man in every other way and the best father I have ever seen (and I have been around alot of fathers). His kids are so close to him that I am also now dealing with a child that is also developing a relationship to alcohol and that is such a DOUBLE WHAMMY to me.

Let me go as I am rambling and not making any sense.

Thank you so much, everyone.

JennyK

It sounds like you have so much going on right now.

Calm and focus vibes to you. It is so helpful to really identify the things that are in your power to control and focus on that. I find that when I spend my energy in worry, I cry more. Crying can be theraputic to a point, then it just gets in the way of seeing straight.

Please stay and post a lot...it is so helpful.

((((hugs))))

Jenny

Magichappens

I have found that I had a hard time detaching too. But the more I focussed on my recovery, the easier it got. Until then, I had to "act as if." That doesn't mean that I still didn't feel sad that the disease of alcoholism was destroying my loved one. It just meant that I didn't have to go down that road with him anymore.

It takes time. I know that isn't the answer any of us want to hear. We want to be ok NOW. But my experience is that if we keep working on our recovery, it will come. We will be able to be ok, serene, and healthy even if the alcoholic continues to drink. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

dazed - you have entered the realm of recovery. so glad you found this wonderful "safe haven". i have been here since last July and have learned much but still have so much more to learn AND practice!

it has to be tough to have had a long relationship suddenly change like yours has. i feel your pain, fear & loneliness.

hugs - chris

harleygirl92156

Here is what I figured out. I use to do the same thing, he would come strolling home in the wee hours of the morning, I had not slept, pacing and worrying, would he get a DUI, have an accident, end up in bed with another woman, get in a fight, get alcohol poisening, etc. the worry list went on and on. Then when he showed up and was ok but drunker than a skunk, I was PISSED and I let him have it, JUST LIKE YOU! I would spend an hour yelling and cussing at him, but he would not remember any of it the next day so it was a TOTAL waste of my time.

I changed, I still didn't get much sleep, but I didnt lay into him when he got home or say a word about it the next day. Just went about my business as if nothing had happened. Was I condoning his actions, no, he knew that. What happened was, when I layed into him, he could turn the focus of the whole event on me and my CRAZINESS. When I stopped doing those things, he only had one person to focus on and that was himself and his actions and what he had done the night before, or at least what he could remember of it. He had to deal with his own guilt, he had to deal with the hurt he had caused (he knew even though he hadn't been told for the 100th time) he had to deal with himself and himself only. There was no crazy wife to turn the focus on, just a happy, not yelling, not angry, not concerned wife. I just smiled and said good mornin' sweetie, did you sleep well? After he picked his jaw up off the floor, he continued to nurse his hangover by himself and THINK, about HIM!!! It felt so good and I felt so good about myself, I was not the CRAZY wife he could turn all the negative energy on, he had to look inward.
Was I screaming at him inside, YOU BET, was I angry inside, OH MY, did I let it show, NO!
It took several months of this but he finally looked deep enough and ASK to go to treatment. I am HAPPY to report my beloved husband has been sober for 107 days!!
Can't give myself any credit for his sobriety, he did it alone. All I did was change the way I acted so he would have the opportunity to look at himself instead of me forcing the focus to be on me!
Try it, it can't hurt. If you think you can't do it, just fake it at first, it will come. When you do watch his face, the expression you see will be one of deep thought and reflection of himself....I bet. Go ahead, what have you got to lose. If it doesn't work the first time (it didn't for me) keep practicing, you'll get it.
Good luck and God Bless.

gelfling

I am sickened by the counsellor telling him that unless he doesn't admit to having a problem with alcohol, he doesn't. What crap. What absolute unbelieveable crap. You need to find a counsellor who is familiar with the disease. We went through something similar where the shrink told him in front of me that I was the reason for his drinking. He blamed it all on me and of course, being the good little drunk he was, he grabbed onto that with both hands and used that as an excuse to drink. The guy no longer practices medicine. Thank God!!!

The way I learned to use detachment was to forget he even existed at times. He could act like a jerk and I would walk out of the room or house. Now, if I'm in a confrontation with him, like tonight when he was being an irrational idiot over something as simple as our son not signing one of his tax forms, I walked out of the house and entered my imaginary bubble. His emotions and attitude can't penetrate it. I can be there and be happy. Sound silly? But it works.

Tonight was a time that detachment worked well for me. And he also saw I wasn't going to be dragged into his little drama over a signature and it preventing him from having the day to himself tomorrow to do what he hasn't done in a month. The OH, POOR ME ATTITUDE.

Detachment is a sanity saver. And like Harley said, she changed the way she acted so he could see himself. Good advice.

Blessings

Detachment is self preservation. E. Bunny

JennyK

I remember for me that at first is seemed TOO EASY. Then I realized what I had to actually do and I hit the "faking it" mode for a very long time, then it gradually (months later) slipped into the "this is my life and I am OK with it" mode, then I realized a year later that I forgot that I was "suppose" to react...that is true detachment in my mind, since the "suppose to" was not even on the radar.

Since my husband has sought help and tried rehab (left after 2 days) and has stopped regular drinking (for the most part) and talks the talk and walks the walk (most of the time)...I have found it MUCH harder to detach.

The difference was, that before when I was detaching, I had no boundary about what I was willing to live with. Now I do and it is putting me into the "everyday might be the day" mode and I hate the place that I am in.

Oh my...hijacked your thread with my stuff.

My point is...that detachment is not easy, it is not permenant and it is not fun in the beginning...and faking it is a fine way to start.

Jenny