Daneydoo

So I find myself in a situation where I have known this bloke for about 18 months. He was my estate egant who sold my house for me. We started having a relationship and immediately realised he always turned up late for me and always stank of booze. I was also strange he never wanted to see me at weekends. Found out down the line he was seeing someone else but had now finished the relationship with her. He was the type where he would ask to meet on a certain day and then not follow it through, so I was left wondering if we going to meet like he said or not. However the nice points about him were something that I've never had before and found myself falling in love with him - so when he asked me to move in with him only 2 months after meeting him I jumped at the chance. The first few months of living with him were upsetting because he would go to work and then not return home till 9/10pm at night (stinking of booze) but the thing that upset me was he never phoned to say he would be back late or anything. The amount of times I would go to bed with nothing to eat as I had been waiting for him. Additionally he would sometimes come home in his drunken state and start calling me names like "you're crap" "you're useless" etc. There was never an apology for coming home late and it never appeared that he felt in the slightest way bad about it - he just didn't care. Because he was never at home I ended up buying all the food, taking care of things etc which resulted in around £700 every month. One day a friend visited him and they went out drinking and when I met up with them several hours later he ended up pinning him against a wall and punching him over something really so trivial. His friend went home and for the rest of the evening I suffered a barrage of abuse about an ex-boyfriend of mine but I don't know why - this resulted in him beating me up - he was slapping me round the face and had me on the floor kicking me in the stomach. He also smashed the house up. I went to stay with a friend and received really illogical and weird, incomprehendable text messages from him all night - he was acting very strange - almost possessed. Because I was too scared and I loved him I stayed with him although was told by all my friends etc that I really must leave him. The next morning he was nasty and was keeping to him same stance as the night before. After this he would regularly (4/5 times per week) go out and get drunk and come home and either lay in to me or start throwing things around the house, smash the windows etc. We went on holiday a couple of months later and I was very scared as there would be nowhere to run away to and everything was fine until the last day when srue enough he got drunk and went off on one. As there were lots of people around I decided I was safe enough to fight backand told him that if this behaviour carried on I would leave him. Miraculously enough it stopped although in my eyes he still drinks far too much, including throughout last summer when he would go out (sometimes while I was asleep in bed) and just not come back home! No phone call or anything! I have known that he did alot of drugs inculding ecstasy, pills, acid and a hige amount of cocaine and I'm sure that this is why he didn't come back once he'd started this of an evening with his friends. However, this also stopped pretty quickly after I told him how unhappy it was making me. The situation at the moment is that he has lost his driving licence (drink driving for 3 yrs) and has lost his job. We are starting up a property development company together and I am footing all the money from the sale of my house. The money is going down at the rate of knots, and he doesn't have any money so I gave him £1000 as he said that he had no life of his own anymore or time to himself which has all so far been spent on booze and fags (and I hope not any drugs). He's not interested in taking me anywhere even though I have begged him to take me to certain things - it seems he just wants to spend all the money I gave him on alcohol. He still does'nt come back when he says but is by no means what he was like. He's normally a few hours late now rather never coming home at all but I still wish he would just let me know to be respectful, and I'm also 99% sure he doesn't do any drugs anymore. He asked me to marry him November last year and even went to tell my father but so far hasn't "got round to it" which is so upsetting - he says things like he's not getting me an engagement ring as it is waste of money and things like that, and has come up with every excuse for not getting married at the moment. I'm now 3 months pregnant and am worried as there have been a few times recently where he's started to get slightly abusive again when he's drunk including last night where he went all weird and not quite all there.

When things are good however which they are most of the time he really totally loves me and we are almost sickly sweet together.

Help! What should I do!

minnie

Daneydoo

Welcome to SR! You have found a great place for help and support. It has been a lifeline for me.

First of all, you need to take the focus off him and put it onto you. You can't control his drinking, nor can you cure him and you certainly didn't cause it. The only actions you can control are yours.

Get hold of a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It seemed to me like it was written just for me.

Check out some Al-anon meetings. You'll need to ring the main switchboard on 020 7403 0888. They'll be able to give you details of a local meeting. Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you - every one is different.

Keep coming back here. Check out the "sticky" or "power" posts on the top of this forum and the nar-anon one. There's loads of good info on there.

Many people can live happy and productive lives whilst still with an alcoholic. Personally, I couldn't do it, but that's not to say that it isn't possible. The most important thing is to get help for you and keep you and the baby safe.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Love

Minnie
xxx

gelfling

Is the life you want to live. Think long and hard about it. He has a very serious disease and from your post, it's been ongoing for a while. And it just keeps getting worse. He has physically and verbally abused you. It doesn't get any better unless he commits himself to a recovery program.

You sound as if you fear for you and your baby. You're seeing signs of abuse again. Find help. Go to alanon meetings and read literature. Talk with other people. Please find help for you and your baby. No man is worth the life of an innocent baby.

Blessings

FormerDoormat

DaneyDoo:

All I can say is YIKES! Please re-read your post, only this time read it as if it were written by someone other than you. Would you find this situation acceptable? Would you think it's acceptable to be verbally abused? Would you think it's acceptable to be physically abused? Would you think it's acceptable to give your hard-earned money to someone who blows it on booze and drugs? Would you think it's acceptable to even consider starting a business with a person who's actively abusing drugs and alcohol? Would you sell your house to enter into a business with a partner who's checked out of reality? Would you consider marrying an individual who will use you as a punching bag?

Please, reread your post. Read it as if your best friend had posted it. Read it as if your sister had posted it. Read it as if ANYONE other than yourself wrote and then answer these questions yourself. I know the answers to these questions. Nobody I know deserves to live like this or be treated in this manner. And nobody I don't know deserves to be treated this way, either.

So my question to you is why do you think YOU deserve to be treated like this?

queenofthehwy

Daneydoo,

Is this the life you want to bring a child into? Please, please think about this. I don't want to sound too harsh, but it would be very selfish of you not to think of your baby and the kind of crap he/she would have to see growing up with a daddy like him.

Please stick around here and read others stories and think about if you want to live this kind of life.

Take care
Mindi

margo

Hi Daneydoo, and welcome - we're glad you found your way here.

Hon, I read your post more than once and I have to say that there's some very serious issues here, much more so than his drinking and whether he is doing drugs. He has been physically violent with you and that should put up every red flag imaginable. Your personal safety has to be number one priority, especially now that you are pregnant. What if he gets drunk and decides to kick you around again and you lose the baby, or your own life? I know that is a harsh thing to say, but things like that happen more than we like to think about. It is shocking the percentage of women who are killed at the hands of someone who "loves" them. The alcohol (and probably drugs too) are driving this man further down a path where there is no return without some serious help. You need to protect yourself, your baby, and what is left of your finances and get yourself to a place where you will be safe. There is no magic cure, things are not suddenly going to change and be beautiful - not unless he admits he has very serious problems and gets a LOT of profressional help, not just for the alcohol and drug abuse, but for his obvious problems with anger and violence. He is a ticking time bomb and you are at ground zero.

I know it is hard to hear this kind of advice - we all want our relationships to be good, for the one we care about to care about us too, but we can fool ourselves into years of unhappiness waiting for a better life with that person, and sometimes right into the grave.

Please keep posting - we are here to help if we can. Don't let what you may not want to hear stop you from reaching out to us.

Hugs to you.

rivercitybelle

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=47548
Read the sticky posts at the top of this form and the Narconon one too...

There's a good deal of good advise in the answers to your post...
You didn't create it, you can't control it, you can't cure it...

You can't change him... the only one you can change is yourself...
You deserve to be treated better... your unborn child deserves to be treated better..