New, Desperate & Frustrated...
 

Hi:

I just found this forum today, and have spent hours reading through posts. I have been married to my husband since 2000. We have been together since 1996. We have no children. My husband was an alcoholic when we met, although I did not recognize the signs then, as we were just out of college and still very much active in the "party" scene. He is also bulimic, and has been since his early teens (He is now 31). His struggle with alcohol has steadily progressed through the years. He stopped drinking for almost a year, although he was not active in any type of real recovery program. I guess you could say he was just winging it. He, of course, started drinking again...on the very night that my father, whom had been living with us due to his declining health, slipped into a coma. After about 6 months of steady binge drinking, 2 trips to rehab and 2 DWI's, he found sobriety once again for another year. And once again, he participated in no real recovery program. He started drinking again last April (2004), and has not stopped yet. He doesn't drink everyday, but every single week, 1-2 days. He also goes on binges every 4-6 weeks for several days at a time when he is not sober at all, day or night. Despite having 2 DWI's, he will still get behind the wheel and drive. In early February, I slipped on some ice in front of the store that I own and operate, and broke my ankle. Our store is about 40 minutes from our house. I called my husband to pick me up, but he was drunk. I hobbled to my car and drove myself home. That was on a Saturday. That binge continued late through the night on the following Tuesday. Finally, on Wednesday, 3 days after falling, he sobered up long enough to take me to the ER. Of course my leg was put in a cast and I become reluctantly dependent on my husband for assistance, and most of all, transportation. On 5 occassions, in a span of 5 weeks, he picked me up from work drunk. I had no choice but to drive us both home with my leg in the cast. And each time, he promised he would not drink and put me in the car with him again. And he broke his promise every time. He readily admits that he is an alcoholic, but won't go to AA. He claims that it won't do any good. I know he is making excuses and manipulating me. He is not at all a social drinker and does not go to bars. He hides his alcohol in every nook and cranny of this house and drinks in the shadows. I've caught him drinking in the basement, in our attic crawl space, in the garage, and even the bushes outside. He also drinks mouthwash, quite frequently, and in large quantities.

I have participatecd in Al-Anon a few years ago. Although I logically know that I can't control or cure his addiction/s, I give in to my frustration with this disease almost every time. I confront him, insult him, belittle him and threaten him. I often surprise myself with how enraged and mean I can become. I know it's wrong. And I know it is only adding insult to injury. I read the post today about different kinds of Enablers, and I am an extreme form of #2.

As I type this, he is passed out. He has been on a lethal binge for the past 2 days. He is beyond drunk and incoherent. He is probably bordering alcohol poisoning. He is supposed to be at work tomorrow at 8am. Obviously he needs rehab, but we have no insurance. And honestly, will he really learn anything new this time around? What difference does rehab make if he refuses to continue with any type of recovery plan afterwards?

I am a shell of my former self. I isolate myself and share my "terrible secret" with no one. I feel horribly guilty with how I deal with his alcoholism. But I am mad. We have not been intimate in over a year. I have a serious problem with letting go of this anger and resentment I feel towards him. There are 2 incidents in particular that I don't know if I can ever get over. He had to be carried out of our wedding reception by his father because he was so drunk and put to bed. And my biggest issue, he hid a bottle of liquor in his suit coat at my father's wake, got loaded in the bathroom and passed out. My uncles had to leave the wake and carry him to the car and drive him to my Grandmother's, where we were staying with family. I just don't know how to let go. There is absolutely no trust. He lies about everything, all the time. In the past year, I don't feel like I know him at all. He is not the person I met so many years ago, and not the person I married. I have to remind him to shower. As much as I hate to admit it, I have come to realize that he may very well be one of the many alcoholics that just don't make it. At the age of 31, he is on the borderline of becoming a statistic to this horrible disease. And there is nothing I can do about it. At one time, our annual income was well over $200,000 per year. We are now barely able to pay our $500 per month mortgage. We are on the verge of finacial ruins. And now, as he lays there passed out, I am stressed about him possibly not being able to go to work tomorrow. We need the money.

I am 33 and realize that I will probably never have children because I would never dream of bringing a child into this nightmare situation. I resent him for taking that option away from me. From us. I am at the end of my rope and desperate for help, for both of us. Sadly, lately it seems as though the line between hating the disease and him is becoming blurred. Even if I find a way to detach myself from his when he is drinking, we have no life because he always seems to be drinking! And we always seem to be at odds with each other because of his drinking.

I am sorry for rambling on, but I would welcome any advice on what I could do for him and myself. I am just at a loss. I am so emotionally drained.

I'm so sorry that you too have to live with this horrible thing called alcoholism... I see alot of myself (past, present & unfortunately future) in your words. Since you've been reading the posts here, I'm sure that you already know you've found a place were you can share & learn, most importantly how to make yourself a healthier person - with or without him.
Welcome aboard!!
Hugs
Christine

Hello and as unfortunate as it is for you to be here, it is a good place to be.

From reading your post, I can feel your desperation and hopelessness. I suspect that most of us have been there at one point or another.

I learned that when I started to get totally and completely overwhelmed by the big picture, I needed to stop looking at it.

There is no guilt in finding small blessings and focusing on them for the time it takes to get your head back together.

I am a huge list maker and when I did take the time to write out all the things that I could control to make my life better, it looked a bit more manageable.

You know what you can't control.

Focus on what you can control to make your life, your week, your hour, your day or your minute better for you.

And dont' forget to breath. That is a big one for me.

((((hugs)))

Jenny

Hi. I'm sorry for the pain you and your husband are experiencing.

Perhaps you might consider giving Al-Anon another go? It's truly been a lifesaver for me and millions of others.

Thanks for your honest sharing. Keep coming back!

Peace...

WAM,
I'm so sorry for your pain. I think the best thing to do is to take control of what you can control, it's really all we can do when in this situation. I understand how hopeless and helpless you feel.

Stick around and keep posting and reading!!!

Mindi

I desperately do need Al-Anon. Unfortunately, I live in a pretty rural area and the few weekly meetings that are available are about 45 minutes from my house, and right now, I am still unable to drive with my broken ankle. I thought this forum would be a good start until I can get to a "live" meeting.

I would like to add that while I was at work yesterday afternoon, I began reading through posts on this forum. That is when I came across the article about the 3 different types of enablers. As I mentioned, I am an extreme "Provoker". As I was driving home last night, I prepared myself for my husband to be still drinking and extremely drunk, and of course he was! I decided to try and be calm and non-confrontational. He tried desperately to push me over the edge. Screaming and yelling that I needed to go out (with a broken ankle) and get him dinner. I calmly told him that he should have thought about buying some food during the day instead of more booze. I also told him that if he was hungry, he should walk to the store and buy some food. But, unfortunately for him, he could barely stand by this point. I did make him a pot of coffee, but he ended up passing out anyway. No yelling, no threats, no drama. He was taken back by this change from the "norm" and continued to provoke a fight, but I just ignored him and went to bed. As much as this whole situation sucks, I found last night to be a bit more bearable, considering the circumstances. He woke up this morning and went to work sober. I don't know what tonight holds for me, but I feel more able to handle the situation in a non-explosive manner.

Thank You!
Michelle

Hi Michelle,

Glad you found SR. You'll be glad you did and be amazed at the education you'll get.

I drive 45 minutes to my meeting every week. It's worth it for me. I understand about your ankle though. That's really tough.

You're to be commended to what you didn't do yesterday. You let him get all nuts and maintained your cool. Well done!!! Looks as if you're on the right path. But the next time, let him make his own coffee.

There's a literature to be found and you might look up an alanon chapter, if there is one in your general vicinity and ask them to send you all the free pamphlets. If they will. I don't know if they do, but considering your circumstances, it's worth a try.

Stand strong, head up and learn the serenity prayer.... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))

Hi Michelle,
Its really hard I know and all of use have been where you are at one point or another. I recently asked mine to leave my home and that has pain with it also.
I would be interested in others opionions about the fact that he is not participating in any form of recovery when he quits. That is troublesome for me and mine never did either, thereby leading to relapse after relapse and a very nasty attitude. In any event, I hope you find what you are looking for...for you and hope you begin to heal.
Sarah Elizabeth

michelle - welcome and glad to hear from you last post that applying some of the tools you diffused your situation last evening. i am sorry for your pain and i feel your pain - my ah has been doing a downward spiral for the past 2 years - al-anon, counseling & this site have helped me maintain my sanity.

(((michelle)))

I think the anecdotal evidence that we've all seen bears out the idea that putting down the substance is only a step in the right direction. Without some sort of recovery program, most addicts/alcoholics either relapse or stay stuck in the feelings they ran from all those years. Of course there are exceptions, and that's wonderful for them. What's frightening is that sooooooooooo many want to believe they are the exception, and so few actually are, that many people die needlessly at the hands of this powerful disease...

Time and again, I've seen that a life run on self-will tends to cycle back on itself like a snake chasing its tail. Eventually, the snake consumes itself...


But on the lighter side...


http://psych.wisc.edu/henriques/reso...ed%20Snake.gif

Excellent question Elizabeth. My husband went into rehab and found many excuses not to go to AA. He joined a men's social group and was in that for about 7-8 years. Then turned into a workaholic. Not necessarily at work, but around the house. He does get on my nerves. Compulsive is the word that comes to mind. God help me when he gets everything done.

Our son has never gone to rehab but is working a program, attends AA several times a week, has a sponsor whom he calls almost daily. He said his sponsor wants to start working the steps. He admits to getting up to the 3rd and never going any further. He said he ready to do them now.

Just a tad of info on my situation....my husband is an occasional dry-drunk, but I've gotten so bold (stronger) that when he gets a hair up his ***, I call him on it immediately and he backs off. Sometimes he gets happy again, other times he'll sulk.
Our son asked me a few weeks ago if I would bring to his attention if I felt he'd been a real **it, and husband piped up and said, Yeah, you can guarantee she will. Now that made me very happy.

Blessings