Boundaries...
 

I've been a member for a short time - this will be my first post. My question is to wives that have been married a decade or more, seems this length of time with our AH we've tried and exhausted many options, back to my question... I understand that all AH's have somewhat different situations but I would like to hear what boundaries you have tried to set and what consequences would result if these boundaries were crossed. I'm at that point now...yuk! Thanks, Ladies

Welcome Julie!

Boundaries should always be about you and what will allow into your life. They are not rules of conduct. Our alcoholic husbands are adults and we are not the parent.

For one thing I will not get into a car with him when he is drinking. Whatever it takes to avoid that is what I will do.

I will not be drawn into a fight or even a conversation when he is drinking. Again, whatever it takes to avoid that is what I will do up to and including walking out of the house.

Be very careful about the "If you...I will" statements because the "If you" will probably happen and if you don't do the "I will" you have lost credibilty.

Hugs,
JT

Thanks JT... because of 2 children in the house I've never walked out but many times should have and taken them with me...won't I ever learn!

Julieb, great question.

One of the first boundaries I set was to stop lying for him. I didn't call his work if he had a hangover. If we had an engagement, whether it was with friends or family, I stopped lying about why he wasn't there. I told him ahead of time I was going to stop lying and I was not going to go to these functions with him if he was drunk. He didn't like his parents, my parents, our friends knowing he was drunk. But, oh well, it was the truth. This forced him to take responsibility as I had been covering for him for years. There was a time many years ago, where I wouldn't go either, but then I just got depressed. So, I believe it is important for us to stay active. I went through this phase where I thought if I stayed with him, maybe he wouldn't drink as much! HA HA HA - I think we all know it doesn't matter... they are going to drink when they want and how much the want regardless of what we are doing.

I also decided to leave when he was drunk. I would put the kids in the car and we would go somewhere for a few hours, and he was usually in bed when we got home.
This really helped MY SANITY.

My AH used to drink all the time, but after kids were born became a binge drinker over the past 8 years. So, he should not be trusted to be in charge of the children, although I did trust him over and over again. He had been sober about 4 or 5 months and took the kids on a 2 hour road trip. He decided to drink and was in a horrible almost tragic car accident, yes, with our children. And, after a couple years I trusted him again, and boom, he did it again, fortunately this time there wasn't an accident. So, I now have a boundary that he can't drive the kids anywhere, anytime. One I wish I would have done a long long time ago.

I also got my own checking and savings accounts. I didn't do this until about a year ago, and now I wish I would have done it a long time ago. This was a very tough one for me to do, but it had to be done.

So, like JT said above, it is about YOU. YOUR sanity, YOUR peace, YOUR safety and of course the kiddos safety. And the not being drawn into a fight she mentioned is huge. Boy, I have been there. I have actually started the fight about alcohol and drinking and it is so pointless, especially when they are drinking - this was my biggest obstacle... there is no point in arguing with a drunk, period. In may case, my AH is a mellow drunk - And, then I would end up looking like the insane one as I would get so upset about his drinking. Which, maybe unconsciously is where the drunk wants us... we are the insane ones, they are the sane ones.

Do what is best for YOU and your kiddos. YOUR sanity, YOUR peace, YOUR safety and the kiddos safety.

Thanks for starting this thread. Peace.

Thanks so much wraybear...these are things I need to hear.

I have a few boundries too, in a nut shell it all boils down to this for me...... take care of me and stop trying to make him stop doing what I don't like...

I am the worst offender of my boundries I might add because, I don't do this with just my H I do it with everyone!!!!

I will not let my AH keep the kids if he's drinking.... btdt It's a hard lesson to learn, but I don't need to worry myself with their saftey.

He tends to make the "female" comments. I tell him right away that it's not because I'm "female", there are other factors that relate to the way I react.

I won't fix his problems anymore. He has to fix them on his own.