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....that is the question......

Old 08-23-2002, 05:40 AM
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....that is the question......

Good Morning! I want to check in with you guys this morning and also check in with myself. How am I? I am a little tired as I haven't gotten as much sleep as usual. I went to a Bible study meeting with ladies from my church on Wed. We met all of last year and it felt good to be together with them again. Also I was invited to join another book club with other ladies from my church. I am really excited about that as I love to read. So I have a book to read by Sunday. I already participate in one book club and we met last night and I really enjoyed the discussion. I am attending two Alanon meetings a week so my life is full right now. I have added several things to my life that are all about ME.

In the last few weeks my husband goes almost daily to his local bar hangout. He usually cooks dinner every night but lately, when I come home and he hasn't gotten home yet, he's still at the bar. Then there is nothing defrosted for dinner or cooked and I have to think of something and put it together fast. On Wed night, when he didn't show up I sent my son to pick up a pizza. Yesterday I was planning to go to the gym and then my book club meeting and not going home first. But before I left work I called home to see if my husband was there to make dinner. He wasn't there so I told my kids I would come home and pick up some stuff for tacos. Then my husband called back to say he had just called home and the kids told him I was coming home. He said he was going right home(he was at the bar) and he would do the tacos. So on the way to the gym I called home with my cell phone to make sure that he had gone home and didn't stay at the bar for another few hours. He was home so I went to the gym.

Sorry for the long story, here is my question. Sometimes my husband does what he is supposed to do, what he says he will do, and sometimes he does not. This is so confusing. Sometimes he is thoughtful and funny and kind. Other times he is self absorbed and bitter and nasty. I know this type of behavior is the disease. I feel like I want to plan my own dinners every night if I don't know I can count on him. I talked to him last night about this and he said that he would always come home from now on to cook dinner. I was calm and I told him that I am sure that he intends to always come home, but I don't know if he actually will. Then he said well when I start this new job then I will be home every night. I told him I thought he would still need to go to the bar every day even after he starts working. He said no, he goes there because he has nothing else to do. I told him that I could give him a list with plenty to do right in the house. We weren't fighting, I wasn't even angry. Just tired, tired of dealing with him and his behavior. Oh and about the new job --- he met this guy in his bar that is opening a new convenience store/cafe and he wants my husband to cook and manage the store and he will pay him off the books. Well this sounds like some stupid scheme and I don't like the dishonesty. He is supposed to start Sept. 14.

I guess I feel confused about whether to continue to try to have a relationship with my husband or not. And this is not about deciding to leave him. I don't know whether to treat him like a friend or like an annoying person I have to deal with for now. I guess that's my core problem. Sometimes it seems like I could have a relationship with him and sometimes it seems like I can never trust him. I know this is black and white thinking. I guess I am black and white when it comes to relationships, either you are my friend or not. He has done things to meet me half way, sometimes. I guess I am trying to sort out how I feel about him, after the information I have learned and his current behavior. Sorry again for the long note, but I did need to sort out this question, now if I could only answer it. Thanks
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Old 08-23-2002, 06:51 AM
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Hi Rose,

I'm in the same boat. I ask myself those same questions. My husband wants to get back together with me. I do sometimes but then other times I don't.

It sounds like your husband is trying to do the right thing. Do you guys ever do anything together? Instead of him going to the bar would he go to the gym with you.

I know it's hard trusting again. I don't have any advise for you. I'm having the same problem. So much so that I think that's the wedge between me and my husband. (Well one of them anyway).

Just take things one day at a time or one hour at a time if need be. My thoughts are with you today!! I've missed you.

Love,
Galnva
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Old 08-23-2002, 12:21 PM
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Rose,

Pardon me if I am repeating myself...I may have said this to you before.

You can make a choice to stay married one day a time just like you do everything else..and because you are not sure. If I don't know what to do I often choose not to do anything, today.

Also about how to treat him? You can treat him the way you would want to be treated...at the very least with some kindness and you may find that you get that in return...at least most of the time.

It is a fact that we love people that we cannot trust or believe. Past behaviors have shown us that we cannot rely on their word. If you go into the index of your Al Anon daily readers there are pages about that very thing. It is easy to use the index to find an issue that is troubling you.

If he doesn't cook...you cook...he knows how you feel. You told him calmly so there should be no reason to yell about it if he fails again. He will expect you to because that is what you did in the past..... if you don't he is left to sort through his own behavior not pick apart yours. And you are actively creating change.

Hugs,

JT
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Old 08-25-2002, 07:47 PM
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Rose,

You have described exactly what I am feeling. The confusion is almost unbearible. Today I was just about in tears thinking about the man that I fell in love with and married and then realizing where we are today. I struggle with the "how to treat" them thing daily. It is almost like if your nice to them that you are approving there behavior. At least that is how I feel. I HATE it.

The trust thing is really a tough call. I have the same problem with my A and the local bar has been a real issue. He has agreed to stop going there, but has already broken that one. I really try not to rely on him for the "big stuff". I have a very good friend that tells me that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am doing things by myself and really don't need him anyway. Maybe it will happen. Until then we just have to take it moment by moment.

Sounds like your really doing well with doing things for yourself. Keep it up, I think that gives us great strenght to realize that we are people with likes and dislikes too.

God Bless,
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Old 08-26-2002, 04:56 AM
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Thanks for your thoughts. Yes JT, you have shared the same advice to me before, and it was just what I needed to hear again. It is taking me awhile to really understand what you are saying. I do agree, but seem to have trouble maintaining that perspective. I slip so readily into my old habits. I knew when I wrote this that I was moving away from focusing on myself and that doing that wasn't healthy for the relationship but I really didnt understand why. Still working on this. It came to me last night that the main reason that I am still in the marriage is that I am addicted to my husband. So anything I can do to remove my attention from him is moving in the right direction and anything I do that re-focuses my attention on him is moving in the wrong direction. I liked what you said about treating him as I would like to be treated, I need to learn how to be kind to him again. Thanks again for listening.
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Old 08-26-2002, 06:56 PM
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Rose,

If you separate yourself from him and basically blow off what he does you ARE creating change. At that point all you have to do is sit back and watch.

Now don't get me wrong....I am not in any way advocating leaving or staying...but it can allow you the time to pull YOU together.

Hugs,

JT
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Old 08-26-2002, 08:32 PM
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Everyone : )
I can tell you I am enjoying my peaceful bliss with my A...........I am annoyed by some of the things and sometimes feel a bit depressed. But..........................at this moment I feel I made the right choice by having him thrown out. THERE was no way this man was going to change....and yes he had that same cunning charm and the next moment a real $%^&*()_+. I can't stand that I have to know what to expect. I did not need to be married to Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde any more. The divorce papers have been served.
I am a decent person, I deserve a decent life.....with or without a man.
I thank GOD I found this haven here ,had good counseling and kind (off the board)friends to help me move to make the choice.
It is scary, but I will manage.
My last thought.............inagine your life in 10 years, 20, years etc...that was what really scare me.
Love to you all
Kitty
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