queenofthehwy

I don't even know where to start I am crying so hard, you guys I just hate my life right now. I can't or don't want to be happy with AH I hate him and want to go away then I cry thinking about him and does he even know what he's doing. I keep thinking about someone I was with 7 years ago and have a son with and I want to talk to him I don't even know why, he's married and I'm sure they have thier problems.

Why do I think it's okay that Ah hurts me but I don't want to hurt him I feel sorry for him I think he would hurt himself and be really depressed if I wanted him to leave, and I couldn't live with myself. I know that's stupid he's responsible for his actions. I know I know I know, but I can't do anything.

I'm lost, I'm sad for me, I'm sad for my kids, I'm sad for him, I'm confused, I don't want to do this anymore

walkingtheline

((((((queen)))))

Consider yourself hugged.

Take a few deep breaths--wash your face. Be kind to yourself for a bit, let your mind and soul settle.

I'm sorry this is so tough...I think we all wish we were Samantha and could wiggle our noses and make everything okay.

Be kind to yourself, you're strong, you'll find the right answers for you.

cwohio

(((queen))) - i know - i have been feeling those same feelings lately! my problem is i can't even cry - i must have plugged up my tear ducts. the disease sucks is my mantra lately! it is overwhelming sometimes!

bluester

queenofthehwy,hugs to you. I know how you feel. It can be very overwhelming at times.

queenofthehwy

thanks guys! I went to lunch with some friends I'm feeling a little better...

jojo

Queen -

What you are feeling is sooooo overwhelming. It seems like there is no way out. You are stuck forever

I may sound like a broken record but I am going to say this again - when your fear for what will happen to him if you leave is over ridden by your fear for what will happen to you if you stay, the decision becomes easier. His life is NOT more important than yours or your kids.

That phrase helped me to make the healthy decision. When it popped into my head I wrote it down and looked at it alot. It made so much sense to me to save my own life when before I didn't realize that it had come to that.

Big hugs, Jo

queenofthehwy

Well he just called me and something that was his responsibility didn't go the way he thought it was suppose to so guess what the first words outta his mouth are "You didn't do what you were suppose to do did you" I knew it I knew he would turn it on me.
I told him the guys there waiting for you so you call him and hung up. Now I feel like I could tell him to go to **** and not feel bad.

rara

I agree with what JoJo said. I have thought of this often, and even today was thinking of making a list of pros and cons as to why I stay and what are the reasons for leaving...I didn't make the list because I already know the cons far outweigh the pros. So I also feel very stuck, but I know there are more reasons to leave and I'm just not ready.

Also, I understand so much about how you can't hurt him like he hurts you...my experience today that I just posted...I kept thinking, I wouldn't DO THAT to him! I wouldn't do that to anyone! As angry and sad and hurt as I get, I don't think I could ever treat him in the same hurtful ways! It is just not in my makeup, and of course I am not an A. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. And I am sorry that this is such a tough time for you. I know I go from sobbing and despair to the &*@**# with it all, in a matter of minutes.

rivercitybelle

Jojo is quite right... when your very being is slowing slipping away it's really hard to take any action. When suddenly you wake up... it's like wow what have I been letting happen? I don't deserve this. You change and that's the only change you have control of...
though many of our stories and solutions are similar, we are all unique and that's why we see over and over the words "only you can know what's right for you"
I wish you Peace

JessicaNAJ

Mindi- I hope things get better for you. It is totally overwhelming and they can be such uncaring jerks.

I really don't know what to say....seems I've been at a loss of words the last few days. I wanted you to know that I am here for you too.

((((()))))

queenofthehwy

Thanks guys. I'll be okay sometimes I just loose it. I have a counseling appt tonight it's a good thing I really need it.

By the way now he is just being so nice to me. Gag!!!

brightlight

I hope you feel better. I feel the same. I told him I did not want him tonight and wanted him to leave, but I really do not, but I hate he ignores the kids and what our life could be. I just hate it all and I think I am going to get sick from all the stress and this sick feeling in my stomach that will not leave, but it did leave tonight. I think I really deep down want him to leave. I have had it, but for the kids sake I put up with him. I know how you feel. That is about all I can say. I have been so depressed. I have found that when I do things like cleaning the house, I forget him for a few minutes.

Gracey

Sending Hugs and prayers your way

sarah13

I know what you mean, and it is so frustrating to feel stuck and be the only one in the relationship who realizes the time and memories that are lost wasted in the whole life being consumed with how they are doing.....I wish they couldnt hurt us.
I hope your appt goes well and I hope we all find our way.....

tootiredmom

Loved that statement about being so worried about how he reacts we stop worrying aobut ourselves... focus on that. It will really help and I have worked my way through all this too. It is interesting to me to see how it goes from the beginning of not having a clue what to do, how it all works what is going on, to being crazy sad and angry and then wanting to die and finally getting some calm in life and a new sense of being. I finally made it to that point. I finally made it to doing what I want. What I need. What I want to do without desperatly fearing what he will think or do. I don't worry about it anymore. You will get there too. hugs and good luck.

fuster

Queen: Give yourself permission to feel those feelings. Like depression (it sucks, but part of life sometimes, unfortunately).

Have you tried to work on a plan for change? When we feel these painful emotions, we need to work on a plan for change.

1. What do I want to change the most today?
2. What am I doing to accomplish that change?
3. Is what I am doing working for me?
4. What are my own inner barriers to getting the changes I need (such as "...yes, but..." :"I can't....."; "I have to think of him first..."; etc.)?
5. What is one thing I can do today to move more toward my desired goal of change? (could be just thinking about a plan, or could be a specific thing you do).
6. How do I know when my plan is working? When it is not working?
7. Can I promise myself to work on this daily?

Just writing these down or something like these, and trying to think about them, may help for today. Once you feel like you have a plan, that you can modify and try to work on, you may feel some pain lift at least a little. Then keep working on it, and you are on your way!

:spdm