I am supportive..why aren't they?
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
I am supportive..why aren't they?
I am angry angry angry! I am hurt hurt hurt. Please tell me if this is part of the co-dependant syndrome or the child of an alcoholic or just $%^*( me ?
I am always "there" for friends...always thinking of things to do for them, would NEVER let them down...I would not even think of it. I call when I say I will, I plan things, I do and do. I am so tired of of my needs not being met like this. What the &^%$ is wrong with me..... I am going through this with a friend who I cherish( a male friend)...and right now with my divorce going on with the A I don't NEED this. I just can't believe this person could let me down like this. I am beyond angry.
I need to vent this guys.............
Love Kitty
I am always "there" for friends...always thinking of things to do for them, would NEVER let them down...I would not even think of it. I call when I say I will, I plan things, I do and do. I am so tired of of my needs not being met like this. What the &^%$ is wrong with me..... I am going through this with a friend who I cherish( a male friend)...and right now with my divorce going on with the A I don't NEED this. I just can't believe this person could let me down like this. I am beyond angry.
I need to vent this guys.............
Love Kitty
Guest
Posts: n/a
Kitty,
I have a rule in my relationships that I give and take equally. I don't do this because I'm selfish. I do it because I've been so terribly taken advantage of because I've always given way too much. I think this is why you're angry. This is another need for boundaries. And it is because you are generous and good hearted. As codependents and caretakers we have to learn boundaries that protect us from being taken advantage of.
Sounds like you've already given more than you're receiving so the anger is going to be there. Maybe you can avoid this from happening again with some new boundaries.
Hugs,
MG
I have a rule in my relationships that I give and take equally. I don't do this because I'm selfish. I do it because I've been so terribly taken advantage of because I've always given way too much. I think this is why you're angry. This is another need for boundaries. And it is because you are generous and good hearted. As codependents and caretakers we have to learn boundaries that protect us from being taken advantage of.
Sounds like you've already given more than you're receiving so the anger is going to be there. Maybe you can avoid this from happening again with some new boundaries.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hmmm...
I think you're stating that your friend is not being supportive right now when you need it badly, and are asking if your anger is a codependent thing. Did I translate that right?
If I did... Naw... expectations are the plague of most of humanity.... not just us. I think most people have a sense of balance and justice, and expect the effort they put out to be met with an equal return. For some reason your friend can't or won't be your source of comfort right now and the fact that you had expectations is making you cranky. That's not weird. But things don't always balance out with people, and getting in the habit of expecting them to is a recipe' for frown wrinkles. If he can't be there for you, find another source. Like US! Or your friendly local alanon group.
Hugs!
Smoke
I think you're stating that your friend is not being supportive right now when you need it badly, and are asking if your anger is a codependent thing. Did I translate that right?
If I did... Naw... expectations are the plague of most of humanity.... not just us. I think most people have a sense of balance and justice, and expect the effort they put out to be met with an equal return. For some reason your friend can't or won't be your source of comfort right now and the fact that you had expectations is making you cranky. That's not weird. But things don't always balance out with people, and getting in the habit of expecting them to is a recipe' for frown wrinkles. If he can't be there for you, find another source. Like US! Or your friendly local alanon group.
Hugs!
Smoke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Kitty
Our codependency goes way beyond our relationship with the A's.
Our need for approval, our need to control, and our over-extending ourselves for family and friends are all symptoms of this disease.
We have to examine all our relationships and our part in each of them. As we recover, we begin to see, as you are, that in many of our relationships we do all the work. And often, we expect from others, something they do not have to give...and that hurts and makes us angry.
We learn to value our healthy relationships, where it is a two-way give and take situation. And we learn to let go of relationships that are not healthy for us. We set up boundaries and we don't try to make the other peron become something they are not.
When we try to control another person, we give all the power and control to them. If they behave the way we want them to, we are happy. If they don't, we are sad or angry. So, how WE are is governed by THEIR actions.
And when you are healing from recent wounds, as you are, you are undoubtedly more vulnerable to feeling the pain.
Be with the people who make you happy and who are supportive of you. And let the others go their own way.
You deserve to be happy, Kitty, and you can be.
Our codependency goes way beyond our relationship with the A's.
Our need for approval, our need to control, and our over-extending ourselves for family and friends are all symptoms of this disease.
We have to examine all our relationships and our part in each of them. As we recover, we begin to see, as you are, that in many of our relationships we do all the work. And often, we expect from others, something they do not have to give...and that hurts and makes us angry.
We learn to value our healthy relationships, where it is a two-way give and take situation. And we learn to let go of relationships that are not healthy for us. We set up boundaries and we don't try to make the other peron become something they are not.
When we try to control another person, we give all the power and control to them. If they behave the way we want them to, we are happy. If they don't, we are sad or angry. So, how WE are is governed by THEIR actions.
And when you are healing from recent wounds, as you are, you are undoubtedly more vulnerable to feeling the pain.
Be with the people who make you happy and who are supportive of you. And let the others go their own way.
You deserve to be happy, Kitty, and you can be.
. Some people are just jerks. It isn't always about codependency.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Hey Kitty,
One of my favorites-I don't know where
this came from...."Expectations are
premeditated resentments. If we expect
nothing of other people we are seldom
disappointed. If we do receive something
it is a gift." I live by this, and it
sure works for me.
Hugs,
One of my favorites-I don't know where
this came from...."Expectations are
premeditated resentments. If we expect
nothing of other people we are seldom
disappointed. If we do receive something
it is a gift." I live by this, and it
sure works for me.
Hugs,
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Josie,
That comes directly from Al Anon literature...if I had my books here I could look up the page.
And Kitty,
It IS about expectations and maybe they aren't exclusive to codependents but they sure can hurt!
My codependent tendencies make me a giver and I am now backing away from a friendship with a taker. What Ann said about focusing on the healthy relationships in your life is true. I don't I want to stop being a giver but I need to restrict myself to friendships that are a bit more balanced.
Hugs,
JT
That comes directly from Al Anon literature...if I had my books here I could look up the page.
And Kitty,
It IS about expectations and maybe they aren't exclusive to codependents but they sure can hurt!
My codependent tendencies make me a giver and I am now backing away from a friendship with a taker. What Ann said about focusing on the healthy relationships in your life is true. I don't I want to stop being a giver but I need to restrict myself to friendships that are a bit more balanced.
Hugs,
JT
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Gainesville Ga.
Posts: 24
"If you are humble, nothing can touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know who you are"
Sister Teresa...I just love her!...she also said....
• People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
• If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
• If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway.
• If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you; Be honest and sincere anyway.
• What you spend years creating others could destroy over night; Create anyway.
• If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
• The good you do today, will often be forgotten; Do good anyway.
• Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give your best anyway.
• In the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
Thanks Kitty and to All! "God I love Recovery"
Sister Teresa...I just love her!...she also said....
• People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
• If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.
• If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway.
• If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you; Be honest and sincere anyway.
• What you spend years creating others could destroy over night; Create anyway.
• If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
• The good you do today, will often be forgotten; Do good anyway.
• Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give your best anyway.
• In the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
Thanks Kitty and to All! "God I love Recovery"
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
MG - LOL - Let me guess....he was making supper for you when this happened LOL. That boy really is trying...but like my son he stumbles all over himself.
My son used to push my "expectations" button when he lived with me. He would say "I don't have to live up to YOUR expectations" but what he really meant was the he didn't have to respect my boundaries. Aside from boundaries, I had no expectations. My reply was "then I will expect you to leave really soon".
Sometimes I wonder if I could even funtion in a "normal" world anymore. Where ARE all the "normal people"? Helloooo!
My son used to push my "expectations" button when he lived with me. He would say "I don't have to live up to YOUR expectations" but what he really meant was the he didn't have to respect my boundaries. Aside from boundaries, I had no expectations. My reply was "then I will expect you to leave really soon".
Sometimes I wonder if I could even funtion in a "normal" world anymore. Where ARE all the "normal people"? Helloooo!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Kitty... Have you told your friend how you feel? Specifically, that he has let you down on a number of occasions and you do not deserve to be treated this way? If you have'nt then don't expect him to read hyour mind. We, men I mean, sometimes need to be told what is going on with you, women I mean.
Give him a chance to make you happy. And it seems everyone is cautioning you to stay away from expectations. I think you have every right to expect decent treatment, even to insist on decent treatment. Another term for this is setting boundaries that are healthy.
And as far as being normal........well.......some of us are better than that.
Give him a chance to make you happy. And it seems everyone is cautioning you to stay away from expectations. I think you have every right to expect decent treatment, even to insist on decent treatment. Another term for this is setting boundaries that are healthy.
And as far as being normal........well.......some of us are better than that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ninerfan
Great advice - and it's good to get a man's view here. Welcome to our forum and please pull up a chair and make yourself at home.
He's right Kitty - we do have a right to EXPECT even insist on being treated decently.
And as for "normal" people...I am taking up the challenge and I will see if I can find at least two somewhere on this planet.
Great advice - and it's good to get a man's view here. Welcome to our forum and please pull up a chair and make yourself at home.
He's right Kitty - we do have a right to EXPECT even insist on being treated decently.
And as for "normal" people...I am taking up the challenge and I will see if I can find at least two somewhere on this planet.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Ninerfan...
That was that little guy..and Jerry Rice right?
I am so sorry I can't remember his name but I am still stuck on McMahon, Wilson, The Fridge, Hampton, McMicheal, Dent, Covert, etc!!
A male viewpoint is always welcome!
JT
That was that little guy..and Jerry Rice right?
I am so sorry I can't remember his name but I am still stuck on McMahon, Wilson, The Fridge, Hampton, McMicheal, Dent, Covert, etc!!
A male viewpoint is always welcome!
JT
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
Hi Everyone...
It wasn't like it seems...it was an emotional thing. He is a good person...he was my HS boyfriend. : ) That is more than three decades ago! He just did not give Kitty the treatment she wanted. I was down and perhaps he was just being a "MAN" I don't know...but yes he did hear about my disappointment.....he was sorry but you know we women ...well at least me...that does not count for now. Maybe in a month.
I am feeling badly.........I am getting headaches...I think the stress has really set in. I found out MY A has taken a considerable portion of our $$$$ I am very upset about that...*&^$%$##$^&())_($%^&@#$%^&*()_+__!!!!!!!!!
But what can I do now...I will just have to wait out the courts etc.
Man I hope this gets better soon!
Love to all
Kitty
It wasn't like it seems...it was an emotional thing. He is a good person...he was my HS boyfriend. : ) That is more than three decades ago! He just did not give Kitty the treatment she wanted. I was down and perhaps he was just being a "MAN" I don't know...but yes he did hear about my disappointment.....he was sorry but you know we women ...well at least me...that does not count for now. Maybe in a month.
I am feeling badly.........I am getting headaches...I think the stress has really set in. I found out MY A has taken a considerable portion of our $$$$ I am very upset about that...*&^$%$##$^&())_($%^&@#$%^&*()_+__!!!!!!!!!
But what can I do now...I will just have to wait out the courts etc.
Man I hope this gets better soon!
Love to all
Kitty
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hey Kitty
It does get better, I promise. You have gone through a very emotional time, and now you need time to heal. This is the time to take care of yourself, and work on your recovery.
Don't worry about him. Just take care of yourself. If you haven't gone to a meeting yet, now would be a good time. The support and literature there will help you enormously.
Sometimes we just have to show up and let life happen. There will be bad days, but they don't have to all be bad. Do nice things for you. Pamper yourself and have some fun. You deserve it. We are all here for you, and are cheering you on.
******{Kitty}}}}
It does get better, I promise. You have gone through a very emotional time, and now you need time to heal. This is the time to take care of yourself, and work on your recovery.
Don't worry about him. Just take care of yourself. If you haven't gone to a meeting yet, now would be a good time. The support and literature there will help you enormously.
Sometimes we just have to show up and let life happen. There will be bad days, but they don't have to all be bad. Do nice things for you. Pamper yourself and have some fun. You deserve it. We are all here for you, and are cheering you on.
******{Kitty}}}}
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
