bean611

im 24 years old going through drug problems myself, but im not here to talk bout that. my dad has had a drinking problem for at least 30 years. he knows how we feel bout it, my mom hates it! for a few years he had stopped, but bout 2 years ago it started again. and when he started again my parents got on there feet had nice cars and nice things.well now he doesnt work, if hes not taking a nap or sitting on his ass, hes out drinking. he knows my mom is very sick but she still works 40 hours a week, and he wont get off his ass and get a job. i know i have no control over him and what hes doing. i go to aa and na meeting, and i cant even talk to him and ask him to go with me cause i know he wont, but if he doesnt stop it my parents are going to lose theyre house and hes probably gonna lose my mom. i cant talk to him bout his drinking, he gets pissed at me and gets in my face like hes gonna hit me. i relapsed last week after being sober for 8 months, and he looks down on me for that, that im going back to my old life style, like hell i wont!! hes no better than i am, im taking care of myself, i know what i have to do, i just need someone to please help me. thankx

cwohio

bean - welcome! it seems you have answered a lot of your questions yourself. you can't control it, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it! you might want to check out an al-anon meeting - maybe one that runs at the same time as an aa meeting you normally go to and maybe see if your mom would go also. stay strong with your recovery - you are doing great!

hugs -chris

EndOfRoadWife

Bean- Take care of yourself..You can't get him to change..Maybe he has to lose everything, the house and your mom in order to get help..You can be strong for you and your mom..Hang in there!!

escape artist

hi bean, i'm sorry for what's happening, but glad you are working on recovery. sometimes i wonder if the A is just not able to cope with their reality and the only way out that they know of is escape through alcohol. maybe he is really afraid about losing his wife- it is hard to figure- and probably not worth trying to figure anyway-if you want to stay sane. you might look into the adult children of alcoholics posts as well- will definitely give you some tools to cope with your family situation. good luck and welcome!

bean611

thankx to everyone who wrote me, that helped alot!

Magichappens

Hey bean,
Welcome. Take a look at the powerposts in this forum. They may be helpful to you. Since you are already familiar with not being able to control others, you have a good start at learning to detach from your dad's disease. Remember that he is driven to do what he does for the same reasons you were. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us to keep our sanity with it. Hugs, Magic

gelfling

Hi Bean,

Glad you found this site. So are the rest of us.

The focus should be on yourself and your recovery. There is nothing you can do for your dad or your mom. You might try and encourage her to attend meetings with you.

Take care and blessings to you!!!

Petunia

Bean,

One thing I've had to learn and be willing to accept, is that the way I viewed my parents is very flawed from who they really are. And that has been hard. I want my parents to be better than they are, different, healthy, sane, kind to each other, loving, oh I could go on and on. But they are who they are.

Very recently I realized that my parents don't determine my value. My HP does. And accepting this one fact has brought me a world of release. I can't change either of them. And I don't have to grow up to be like them. You are already working to be different. Breaking the cycle.

It helped me that when I started to freak out, get angry, annoyed, frustrated with my parents, I would chant to myself - "God determines my value" - and I would immediately, I mean immediately, feel better.

Detaching is a challenge but learning those tools early is something I wish I had done. It took me another 10-12 years from where you are to start doing things differently so please see how successful you already are.

Peace,
Petunia

bean611

petunia, thank u very much for that! my dad was always drunk when we were little and we always saw the fights, him hitting my mom, or trying to take us with him and my mom hitting him with the mop so we could run outta his car. and when the drinking stopped the first time we all " forgot" about it. so now that hes drinking again, and my kids and i are living here until our house is ready, we see the fights. like last night when he came home drunk for the 2nd time, he and my mom where at the dinner table fighting. i had left to get use something to eat, and i walked in on them yelling, and it pissed me off cause not only did we have to listen to it growing up but my 2 kids and my boyfriend were here. my son who is 7 knows whats going on not so much my daughter shes 3, but still ii dont want them hearing that ********! and it brings back all these feelings for me, like i was 8 years old again hearing it. well hes passed out in bed right now, but when he wakes up and i get a chance to talk to him im gonna ask him if he'll go to an aa meeting with me. anyways, thank u

nocellphone

Thanks for this, Petunia! It's a keeper!


Bean,

You certainly have a seat waiting in an Al-Anon room, from what you've described. I hope things get sorted out for y'all soon.

Peace...

Girlfriend

Bean,


I know so much of what you're going through. I went through a similar situation, not with my Dad, but with my ex husband. He wasn't a drinker, but a control freak and would physically abuse me almost everyday (and verbally) and when my son was 5 yrs old and running around in circles with his hands over his ears when the yelling started, I KNEW I had to get out of that asap.

It's like a knot is in your stomach all the time. You're constantly walking on eggshells wondering what kind of mood they are gonna be in tonight. It's an awful existence for everyone.

My son is now 26 and he still remembers all the way back to being 5 yrs old and the fighting. It has effected him, he's in counseling for that right now and for his drinking habits. He has problems keeping relationships with girlfriends. He isn't abusive to them, he's super co-dependant with them and wants to be with them 24/7. He felt that lack of love that he needed from both of us (my ex and I. I was too busy trying to get away from my ex and he was too busy yelling/hitting me). I tried the best I could to get out before both of my children had to see all of that (my daughter was an infant, so she --luckily--- didn't see/hear the fighting). It was hard.

Kids absorb so much more than we think they do. And, for some reason,.....they sometimes think it's their fault that their parents fight and/or drink/use drugs. Which is so sad because that is sooo far from the truth, but they carry that with them through life. They didn't ask to be brought up in that atmosphere and they have to grow up REALLY fast because of it.

You didn't ask for a Dad that drinks and the fights over the years with him and your Mom. Your kids didn't ask to be a part of it, either. I can tell that you're a Mom that loves her children very much and I know that you will do best by them. My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers!!

ahcb

Bean,

take care of you and your problems first. Drunks pay attention to no one. Would you listen to a practicing alcoholic giving you advice on quitting drugs? Then why will a drunk listen to a practicing drug addict? Heal thyself!

Daffodil

Sending love and prayers for you.
We're here 24/7. It's a great place between f-to-f meetings.
Try to remember my H.P. talks to all his kids at once. You have clear choices as to how you want your kids raised. You know that in order to achieve that you must make your recovery a priority.