educate me please
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
educate me please
Today I went to my alanon meeting and spilled my guts about my son and him dumping about his history while living in NY and while he was drinking, etc.
I threw it out on the table and asked for help on how I'm go approach this considering it's so close to me and my heart and I didn't know how to handle it. One fellow, who is AA also asked me a question or 2 and a person who I'd never seen interrupted the 2 of us and said that according to such and such, this was not a proper time to discuss this topic....blah, blah, blah...
Her quotes could have been verbatim from aa/alanon, I don't know. But she was pretty bent that I would ask and say what I did at that time.
Can someone please me what I did wrong and explain it in plain English?
Thanks
I threw it out on the table and asked for help on how I'm go approach this considering it's so close to me and my heart and I didn't know how to handle it. One fellow, who is AA also asked me a question or 2 and a person who I'd never seen interrupted the 2 of us and said that according to such and such, this was not a proper time to discuss this topic....blah, blah, blah...
Her quotes could have been verbatim from aa/alanon, I don't know. But she was pretty bent that I would ask and say what I did at that time.
Can someone please me what I did wrong and explain it in plain English?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
I've only been to a few meetings with the same group, and they choose to have someone pick a topic or step, like last week it was forgiveness, and discuss their situation only within the context of that topic. Some people stick to it, some people pass because they have nothing to say about that particular topic or step, some people completey ignore it an go off about what ever they need to - but I've never seen anyone censor anyone else, although there is no cross-talk either. no one askes for direct advice. But censorship at a meeting is not nice - who cares if it takes a few extra minutes? We're all there for the same reason. Sorry that happened to you...
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hey gelf,
Meetings really aren't where personal work is done. That is why it is important to find and begin working with a sponsor. Meetings are a time when members come together to share how they are using the tools of the program in their life, and learning new ideas from others. They stay pretty much by the guidelines because time is an issue, and everyone should get a chance to share. Cross talk is discouraged because the meeting becomes about one person and not about group recovery. It's not a "fix" time. It's a "share" time. Problem solving and indebth work is done with a sponsor. There is a pamphlet on sponsorship that explains what it's all about. It should be on a literature rack at the meeting, and is free.
Don't get too discouraged. I was once new and unclear about the protocol. There is a good book, if you are interested called"How Al-Anon Works". It gave me a lot of insight into how to go about getting the help that Al-Anon had to offer. New things are always uncomfortable, but give it a chance. You can always come here if you have questions you don't feel comfortable asking at the meeting.
Meetings really aren't where personal work is done. That is why it is important to find and begin working with a sponsor. Meetings are a time when members come together to share how they are using the tools of the program in their life, and learning new ideas from others. They stay pretty much by the guidelines because time is an issue, and everyone should get a chance to share. Cross talk is discouraged because the meeting becomes about one person and not about group recovery. It's not a "fix" time. It's a "share" time. Problem solving and indebth work is done with a sponsor. There is a pamphlet on sponsorship that explains what it's all about. It should be on a literature rack at the meeting, and is free.
Don't get too discouraged. I was once new and unclear about the protocol. There is a good book, if you are interested called"How Al-Anon Works". It gave me a lot of insight into how to go about getting the help that Al-Anon had to offer. New things are always uncomfortable, but give it a chance. You can always come here if you have questions you don't feel comfortable asking at the meeting.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Gelfling,
First let me say that it sounds like you did nothing wrong. I would, however, have been uncomfortable when the gentleman began asking you questions after you shared. This is ok after a meeting, but I find this unsettling and inappropriate during a meeting.
As for the interruption, I try to remember that all meetings are different, and the people in them aren't perfect. It took me YEARS to learn how to set healthy boundaries without hurting people's feelings.
There are two kinds of Al-Anon meetings in my area: Beginner's meetings and Regular meetings.
In a Beginner's meeting, the format is looser than a Regular meeting. Crosstalk, to an extent, is allowed and newcomers are encouraged to "dump" and ask questions. Regular meetings have more of a structure (usually a topic or speaker is introduced, although it is acceptable to go off-topic provided it is Al-Anon related) and crosstalk/Q&A is discouraged.
Living with the family disease of alcoholism, boundaries are rarely set or recognized and chaos reigns. In Al-Anon, this is understood and boundaries are (hopefully in a gentle way) observed so that the recovery process has a chance to work. I've been in meetings where boundaries were overstepped and ignored and it became nearly as chaotic as the home I was living in. Thankfully, we were healthy enough to recognize that the disease had taken charge in that room and things quickly got back on track.
Each group is autonomous and there are no rules. There are guidelines, however, that each group conscience decides on and tries to keep in place. At least that's how it works where I am.
I hope this incident won't discourage you from attending meetings. There's nothing the disease enjoys more than taking someone out over small stuff.
Peace...
First let me say that it sounds like you did nothing wrong. I would, however, have been uncomfortable when the gentleman began asking you questions after you shared. This is ok after a meeting, but I find this unsettling and inappropriate during a meeting.
As for the interruption, I try to remember that all meetings are different, and the people in them aren't perfect. It took me YEARS to learn how to set healthy boundaries without hurting people's feelings.
There are two kinds of Al-Anon meetings in my area: Beginner's meetings and Regular meetings.
In a Beginner's meeting, the format is looser than a Regular meeting. Crosstalk, to an extent, is allowed and newcomers are encouraged to "dump" and ask questions. Regular meetings have more of a structure (usually a topic or speaker is introduced, although it is acceptable to go off-topic provided it is Al-Anon related) and crosstalk/Q&A is discouraged.
Living with the family disease of alcoholism, boundaries are rarely set or recognized and chaos reigns. In Al-Anon, this is understood and boundaries are (hopefully in a gentle way) observed so that the recovery process has a chance to work. I've been in meetings where boundaries were overstepped and ignored and it became nearly as chaotic as the home I was living in. Thankfully, we were healthy enough to recognize that the disease had taken charge in that room and things quickly got back on track.
Each group is autonomous and there are no rules. There are guidelines, however, that each group conscience decides on and tries to keep in place. At least that's how it works where I am.
I hope this incident won't discourage you from attending meetings. There's nothing the disease enjoys more than taking someone out over small stuff.
Peace...
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I've been going to this meeting for a year now. The guy that spoke to me caused me no distress and I was very interested in hearing what he said. This particular meeting was open. The girl who was to run the meeting was ill, so they chose to share then point out another person to share. No particular topic today.
I admit I am new to alanon...only a year, but I've been to meetings at the same place where the same thing happened or presented as I had. The girl who objected was a stranger. After she made her statement, I chose her to talk because I was very embarrassed that she chose to reprimand me in front of 15 people. She got very defensive and one of the other members told her that I had designated her as the next person to share. Yeah, I admit I wanted her to explain why she did that, but she danced around as if she couldn't explain other than be very articulate quoting from AA/alanon.
I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes, but I want explanations why this or that is or is not to be done a particular way. She chose to come in there as an authority figure and she really didn't prove anything to me. This angered me. And I admit I'm still a bit pi**ed about it.
She missed about 45 other meetings where the same thing happened and the people of my group never once objected.
Magic, I do appreciate your information and will learn from it.
Last note, I did get something from this girl. She made a statement that was "the alcoholic gets little "chips" to show their progress from month to month and gets recognized, but we are able to receive nothing because it doesn't take awful lot of grief and aggravation from the alcoholic for us to slip and fall back into the self-pity mode, thereby ruining our recovery."
Blessings
I admit I am new to alanon...only a year, but I've been to meetings at the same place where the same thing happened or presented as I had. The girl who objected was a stranger. After she made her statement, I chose her to talk because I was very embarrassed that she chose to reprimand me in front of 15 people. She got very defensive and one of the other members told her that I had designated her as the next person to share. Yeah, I admit I wanted her to explain why she did that, but she danced around as if she couldn't explain other than be very articulate quoting from AA/alanon.
I am more than willing to learn from my mistakes, but I want explanations why this or that is or is not to be done a particular way. She chose to come in there as an authority figure and she really didn't prove anything to me. This angered me. And I admit I'm still a bit pi**ed about it.
She missed about 45 other meetings where the same thing happened and the people of my group never once objected.
Magic, I do appreciate your information and will learn from it.
Last note, I did get something from this girl. She made a statement that was "the alcoholic gets little "chips" to show their progress from month to month and gets recognized, but we are able to receive nothing because it doesn't take awful lot of grief and aggravation from the alcoholic for us to slip and fall back into the self-pity mode, thereby ruining our recovery."
Blessings
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Gelf,
I get irritated with people at meetings all the time. Don't feel bad. I always try to remember that if I'm feeling turmoil, I'm the one with the problem. Whether it be that I may need to be tolerant of sick people, or that I may need the courage to tell someone that I don't agree with them, it's inside me that I can work on. Til I can get at peace with it, I talk to my sponsor and try to find out why this person bothers me. But I know that there will be idiots and a**holes anywhere I go, so learning to deal with them is of the utmost importance to me. Hugs, Magic
I get irritated with people at meetings all the time. Don't feel bad. I always try to remember that if I'm feeling turmoil, I'm the one with the problem. Whether it be that I may need to be tolerant of sick people, or that I may need the courage to tell someone that I don't agree with them, it's inside me that I can work on. Til I can get at peace with it, I talk to my sponsor and try to find out why this person bothers me. But I know that there will be idiots and a**holes anywhere I go, so learning to deal with them is of the utmost importance to me. Hugs, Magic
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I'd heard that there were people at meetings that were like this. My first experience and I wasn't too happy with it. I'm used to the layed back way our meeting runs. And also how relaxed this site is. Guess I'm just spoiled.
My reaction may have been...no, it was...due to the fact I was already stressed with my current situation with my son. She chose to nitpick the wrong person.
So, thanks to everyone for their input. Another learning experience for me. Tomorrow I'll appreciate it more. And I've decided that should she show her skinny little butt next week, I'll sit down and talk with her and ask that she use a little more diplomacy when addressing something like this.
Blessings to everyone!!!
My reaction may have been...no, it was...due to the fact I was already stressed with my current situation with my son. She chose to nitpick the wrong person.
So, thanks to everyone for their input. Another learning experience for me. Tomorrow I'll appreciate it more. And I've decided that should she show her skinny little butt next week, I'll sit down and talk with her and ask that she use a little more diplomacy when addressing something like this.
Blessings to everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
This is just an observation on people not alanon or a foolproof judgement. I find that when people rely solely on quotes to back their point of view (ie when THEY cannot explain WHY something is) it's often because they haven't internalised what they are quoting - ie haven't thought about it. Quotes are important, especially from a mutually respected source but they should be used as support not used verbatum.
Looking at texts or ideas, thinking about them increases respect for them and enables the person looking to get more use from it BUT rarely leaves the text or idea as infallible - I've never found a flawless thing yet!!!
Being able to have full respect, actively reading and listening but without the need for 'blind' (un - thought out) faith can lead to a state of absolute frustration with those who choose an easier option of simply memorising something!!
Magic, you can see why they might have wanted to change the subject and you don't feel threatened because you know and can explain why.
For the person who quotes what they don't understand and have not internalised it, being asked questions about it does seem to cause them a great deal of stress, and the stress can produce an aggressive response - stress is great for that!!
Looking at texts or ideas, thinking about them increases respect for them and enables the person looking to get more use from it BUT rarely leaves the text or idea as infallible - I've never found a flawless thing yet!!!
Being able to have full respect, actively reading and listening but without the need for 'blind' (un - thought out) faith can lead to a state of absolute frustration with those who choose an easier option of simply memorising something!!
Magic, you can see why they might have wanted to change the subject and you don't feel threatened because you know and can explain why.
For the person who quotes what they don't understand and have not internalised it, being asked questions about it does seem to cause them a great deal of stress, and the stress can produce an aggressive response - stress is great for that!!
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