Divorcing Her Because Of Love

Old 03-08-2005, 10:01 AM
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Unhappy Divorcing Her Because Of Love

I have died and my heart beats no more...
That is the way I feel right now. Like my guts have all turned inside out and there is just no strength to feel anything.

I am going to divorce my AW and I also see now that she was more devious that I could have imagined possible. I was incarcerated for the last 63 days for something she said I did and now that I'm out I'm finding the woman I loved, built up from a nowhere couple to make her this big head icon of the public to see her want to take all the credit all the money and continue to lie to the police and to the world with shouts of drunken high mindedness that I am this such and such and even with ALL the facts in my favor this female still in her drunken revelry gets to play high society against every law that was supposed to mean something.

Let me back up a bit; some of you know me. You seen the turmoil going on in my life. My AW drunk all the time everyday, letting the business suffer. I'm the lovedovey husband marketer who build a career for her with a great marketing idea that makes her a tv icon. This all goes to her head, suddenly after eighteen years, she's done it all and I've just been along for the ride, and didn't actually work or do anything!

So after 10 years sober, I finally have left her. Yes, by police intervention no less. But it was a choice. Two months ago, I guess we has both had it with our relationship going no where. Me sleeping along too many night and her waking up by herself too many mornings... it wears on you.

Dec 28 she's apparently board and drunk in "her little hole" office drinking and crying over who knows this time, and suddenly the police come to the door.

They come in go through whole what happened routine and I'm as surprised as anyone cause I was on the computer and shouting through the door as she shouted at me. She stated to lie and say I did something but I guess she was sober enough not to do that to me... then. So they ask me to leave... I go to my mother's way across town where I do not like staying... I love my mom, but come on, it's way too long away to be tryin to stay with mom.

So now I'm gone. Spend the night and I know it's over, but am I sure? I'm listenning to a house full of women telling me how bad my AW is and I've lived with her eighteen years and the last 10 I've been sober so I thought I knew her.

I wrote about it in jail and started an organization that I needed to reopen anyway;


Imagine a comfortable idyllic family dinner, all gathered to celebrate the end of a terrible ordeal. A woman with a protection order against her, and angry about it.
A man hurt that it had to be done, outwardly jovial, inside wrestles with whether he did the right thing against an alcoholic wife... when a knock comes to his mother’s door.
It’s the Police come to arrest the man for a threat he never made, from a call place by that angry alcoholic wife. Now this idyllic setting, disrupted by the intrusion, must bear the humility of a son’s arrest and incarceration, and hope that when the facts are learned, justice will prevail and the man will be set free.
Not in Washington State.
The “System” taking the females word on the accusation, places the man in custody, held 72 hours until a kangaroo hearing finds probable cause, despite an Order of Protection against the woman, who called from a place she was restrained from, and using a phone she was not suppose to be on.
Now the man sits in a jail cell for an erroneous charge, awaiting trial for something he did not do, while verifiable witnesses wait and watch as this screenwriter businessman loses money daily, and worries about possible property damage by the angry and vindictive female still holed up in the couple’s residence, disregarding a court order.
How can Washington Justice be so unjust?
How long will Washington law be slanted in favor of one gender; where males can be victims of abuse and harassment much easier than the other?
How long will Washington Officers of the law be permitted to take the ranting of a woman drunk, casting dispersions over the sober honest protestations of a hard working male?
With discrimination being removed from the workplace, from our organizations and a combined goal of removing it from out society altogether; when will we ever see it removed from our legal system... or at least here, in Washington State?

That is part of an essay piece that I am sending to the state senate and washington lawmakers in Olympia along with a proposition to change the state laws regarding domestic issues here. It is wrong for a man to be jailed only on a person's word... any person's.

I'll be back with more, but I'm in a situation where time on line is shaky at best...

thanks for letting me share this small part...
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Old 03-08-2005, 10:17 AM
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I understand your pain and anger. In Al-Anon we are taught to take our part in the situation we are in. We are volunteers, not victims.

Alcoholics act and we react. Does that make them right? No. But blaming has no solution in it. I didn't have to stay in the situation I was in. I have a choice. I chose the 12 steps and working those gave me the freedom and the strength to make my life better, whether the alcoholic continued to drink or not.

For me, stewing in blame leads to self pity and not a lot more. Wanting others to feel sorry for me gives me an excuse why I don't have to do what it takes to get better. I have to realize that if a train is running over me, I was the one who stepped on the tracks. Changing the train schedule isn't the solution. I have to take responsibility for myself. Hugs, Magic
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Old 03-08-2005, 11:03 AM
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I'm really proud of the fact you've remained sober all so long and through it all. Time to reach back and give yourself a big old pat.

Keep coming back. Love and blessings
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Old 03-08-2005, 11:45 AM
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So sorry about your situation and your limited use of computer--you really need it right
now--You had the srength to stay sober for 10yrs so I believe you will make it through
this. Eventually the truth will reveal itself and the injustice will be righted.
Huggs and prayers --Dee
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Old 03-08-2005, 12:54 PM
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I hope you've retained a good attorney

It's hard to comprehend how some crazy-acting alky can get the police to buy her story, but I've heard of it happening before! In fact, my husband called the police on me in late January because I slammed our bedroom door. That's it. I reacted and I generally don't react. But there I stood outside my bedroom door in my p.j.'s trying to explain to the officer what sort of insanity was going on in my alcoholic home.

If you have a good attorney and solid character witnesses, that should be in your favor. This woman has put you through the wringer. Now is the time to perhaps begin to see that regardless of how you two have separated (and it certainly wasn't in a sane or civilized way with her ranting and raving!) that it was meant to be. At least you have the opportunity to be something more than someone's whipping post or scapegoat.

I think it's time to let go of the victim role. You've taken punishment enough.
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Old 03-08-2005, 01:18 PM
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Lost Dream

Glad to see you back again, but really sorry to hear what's happened since you've been gone.

Hang in their, hon, and hope you've got a good lawyer. Also, I would document everything you can remember about how your wife has behaved, if you haven't done so already.

Take care and check in soon.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 03-08-2005, 01:51 PM
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sorry to hear of what you're going thur LOSTDREAM.
I had semilar experience with the court system.
Another dramatic victim play.
The judge didn't even hear one word from me.
I was thrown out of my own home, like I was some type
on intruder.
WTF??? just go grab your stuff in a bags.
I purchased almost every damn thing in our home.

Where the hell is the freaken judge, now???
she lost the townhouse
she laid there not moving as she was being avited
she lost the cars
she had no food in the house
She got demoted in her job
I found her sleeping in her car last week with plastic bags of
what she has left.
Many, many threats of ending her life.
She cutted her self

It took everything out of me to let go or stop loving her.
I didn't know how the stop loving her.
As the song say.."there's only so tears you, til the heartache is over"
It was the turning piont me as it was for her.
I had to love her more than I could ever imagain, to let go so
she could be free.

The ironic thing is....
The same police officers that came to the townhouse
3 years ago, saw the beast in it's state, last week.
They almost fainted. LMAO, Only having to listen to her for
only 15 mins. It got even worst than that, as she dug deeper.

I'm happy to say. She has 9 days clean, sober and no gamling, today.
I had to get the FK out of the way so the miracle can happen
and stay the heck out of the way.

She's going thur a lot and wants me to fix her as before.
No...I can't fix her today. it's hard for me as will.
I need to work on me.

For the first time in a long time, she's realizing or saying
she didn't know how much she loves me. She's finally
admitting or seeing the distructions.

Yes, the damn tornado has ended...but holy ****, there's lot
of wrackage. I am not the same....I'm not in love with her,
attached, or can hold her like I used too. Ironic !!!

She is a child of god
She is sick and needs help......not from me.
I wish no punishment, guilt or shame upon her.
She dose that on her own enough as it is. The disease feeds on it.

My forgivness of her is not for her, it's for me. I know I can't
carry that resentment or bitterness inside of me,
right or wrong.

I pray for her just the same.
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Old 03-08-2005, 04:20 PM
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I feel it too much right now...

And it only get worse. I know I can't fix her. God knows I tried. You all know how I tried... to the neglect of myself. And yes, I am going through similar stuff with the courst as well. It already took them 63 day to exonerate me of everything and realize it was [b]I[/] that had the PROTECTION ORDER AGAINST HER!

The police then and only then were sooo supportive. They realized that I have a law suit and now it's nicy nice so I don't feel so abused by the system, but I'm going to the senate and change these outdated and outlandish standard. The first is to send off the legislative measure I want to propose; The Manifest Charter of Domesitic Tranquility in Washington State:


Manifest Charter of Domestic Tranquility
In
Washington State

Comes now this day in January 2005, a declaration of new rights of civility in Washington State.
That for the peace and tranquil state of being, justice shall be served equally to men and women alike, with no deference to gender in all domestic legalities and judgments of disputes.
It is now and shall be established, should an issue of domestic in conviviality arise and such discord occur, a course of proceedings shall begin that will place both gender suspect, and subject to trial and investigative measure. And as equal participants under this proposed action, no prejudice shall be awarded either party as to predisposed guilt or innocence until a jury or magistrate of authority has adjudicated the matter in a court of law.
Given that, in individual states preference and certain mores prevail, this enactment shall be a precedent of Washington State from this day forward, so that no longer shall it be common that males be subject to undue process of law when a domestic discord arises.
Be it established that both parties in domestic affairs shall be maintained as equal, and never shall one be carted off as the perpetrator over another. And that if any dispute cannot be ascertained that there is one perpetrator all involved shall be deemed suspect.

Moreover;

Nevermore shall it be held that because of gender, a male is automatically the offender in domestic violence, or any other domestic abuse occurrence.
It has come before the people that abuse has no gender and its perpetrator of no religious affiliation, age, or ethnic definition.
Therefore, it can no longer be held that males be automatically the ones who cause abuse in these issues, as females are continually proving themselves more capable and adept as subterfuge in these cases than any male has thus far indicated.
This Charter again Manifests that without substantial changes such as these, inequities of justice shall remain in effect and men continually subject to miscarriages of justice in these our Washington States. And that only through a revision of all current and past state constitutional law, shall we find, replace and reestablish a fair and justified method of adjudicating these matters in a court of common law.
Therefore be set forth that:
Constitute I
There shall not be any president set, that will predispose guilt of suspicion thereof upon any male that he has automatically committed a domestic crime, when such a report is made, regardless of how that information is received.

Constitute II
A male shall be presumed innocent of any domestic violence charge, that has not been witnessed physically, or unless evidence such as marks or contusions are visible or evident.

Constitute III
Hearsay shall never be cause for probable cause.

Constitute IV
Any person or persons reporting falsely a claim or domestic violence to facilitate removal of a male from a residence, or any such place that a couple have or shall cohabit together, shall be committing a crime punishable by imprisonment.

Constitute V
A female not be allowed lay claim to injury by a live-in, be it male or female, unless physical evidence remains on the perpetrator, bit it DNA, skin tissue, contact abrasion or other such identifying evidence be found on the accused.

Constitute VI
As with any document, time must be considered relevant in its preparation and these constitutions shall be amended to reflect the legal situation of the time, yet allows that its propositions of the sanctity of the male innocence before proof be upheld in perpetuity, in and throughout all Washington States.

Constitute VII
These constitutes may be amended to, but no ratification shall be allowed.

Constitute VIII
Any male that purposely harms a female with malice and with forethought to do her bodily harm, defamation, financial ruin and seek to use these constitutes as reason and cause, shall be strictly and justly punished to the full extent of applicable law.

Constitute IX
It shall be Equal Justice Under the Law in Washington State for both the 0ffender and the offended from this day forth and with the activation of this constitution, that any and all accused in any domestic dispute shall be judged accordingly.

Constitute X
Be it known that now and henceforth Washington State shall no longer be referred to as “ a Female State” but as an “ Equal Constituency,” with shared responsibility of both male and female, in all matters of domestic tranquility.

It is heretofore set down as a civil and continuing act of common knowledge and State principle that shall be adhered to constituting new law president in and of Washington State.
Signed this February 28, 2005
________________________

I am hoping to go to Olympia soon and push this as hard as I can. You may see me on TV.
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Old 03-08-2005, 05:36 PM
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Lost -

I understand your anger at your situation. No one should falsely charge another with a crime they haven't committed. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this if you were not at fault.

I have to take exception to alot of what you are proposing. First of all, most domestic abuse is perpetrated by men. Women are no more devious than men - especially alcoholics. I do believe that the cops are most likely to believe that the man is at fault upon arrival on the scene. When a cop recognizes that one party is drunk and the other sober they most likely will look to the drunk.

Some of what you are proposing would leave battered and/or terrified women alone in a very dangerous situation. My ex was drunk, tried to lie to the cops but couldn't keep his stories straight. I was sober and damn scared. Cops can tell when someone is scared.

I agree that the man shouldn't automatically be blamed but what you are suggesting would rob the weaker sex (physically) of alot of protection.

Jo
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Old 03-08-2005, 09:03 PM
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Hi Lost...
I'm actually sorry to see you back...
I'm sorry you were hurt so much by the actions of your AW.
It's a shame we don't live in a "fair & just" society... I got real tired of hearing "he can't legally do that" when he "did it" anyway with no reprecutions... if you can't, for whatever reason, enforce your rights, you basically have none. But from the female side of the coin... it's really horrible to feel no one believes you because he is well known in town or manages to make you feel he has a right and is right in his abusive actions. I'd like to see you rewrite your petition without the emotion in it and with proofs for statements like:
as females are continually proving themselves more capable and adept as subterfuge in these cases than any male has thus far indicated
My advise to you... find the best lawyer you can with resources and who is hungry enough to fight her lawyers. You know you will get little cooperation from her. Also... as your lawyer will tell you... WA is a community property state but that also means community liability. Secure your rights and get a temporary support order if you need to.
Libraries up that way still have pc's with net access...
Welcome back!!! We're still here for ya... even if we don't agree on all issues, at least we are willing to consider other points of view.
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Old 03-09-2005, 05:16 AM
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This forum is full of positive suggestions on how to cope and live better. It takes some effort, but we don't have to stay in a self imposed hell if we are willing to try something different. If you are ready to let go of the misery, resentment, and self pity, I recommend that you take some positive action like seeking counselling, or support from a group. Changing a law isn't going to help you get over what's bothering you.

Pain is a neccessary part of life, but misery is optional. Hugs, Magic
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Old 03-09-2005, 07:32 AM
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It isn't just my pain...

I write this not only for myself, but for the thousands who sit in jail daily because of issues like this.
Hundreds of men behind bars, because of drunk and abusive women who have lied; who have the courts clogged and back up trying cases such as these that should have never come to trial in the first place.

This is not just for me, but the many who have no help and are not able to express themselve so eloquently.

And I do understand about the female situations, and believe abuse is wrong whomever the perpetrator. But Washington has swung too far too the left in its protection of battered women in that any incident calling itself domestic is automatically assumed it was the male. And that is only indicitive of this state. NO where else. California isn't like this. Their laws are equal. If there's a dispute everyone will go to jail if they can't determine who was at fault... and that's as it should be and that is what I am pushing for here.

Oh, don't think this just anger. It is not. I have let it go. I had sixty three days to get all this together and it ain't just for me. I want to help the others still locked up and make this mess stop for good. I want to swing that gavel back to where it is supposed to be.

There are hundreds of agencies to take care of women when domestic issues arise but not one for men. Why is that? Do we not count in this? Is it impossible to comprehend that women are violent as well as men and that they can inflict harm physically as well as emotionally?

There has got to be some equalization in Washington State and I planned on bringing it. It has nothing to do with anger... some maybe, but it's still not only for me... and it has given me another cause to fight for.

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Old 03-09-2005, 08:18 AM
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Dear Lost,

First I am sorry for the garbage you have been put through. You are a better man than I, for if my wife was a public figure, who depended on her image, I would use that as a bargining chip. I would ask that she be very fair in any and all proceedings or someone, as the old saying goes, "may drop a dime". It is not to her benifit that her drinking become public as a result of it getting out. I would make sure she understands that it gettiong out is a REAL possibility, But thats just me.

The other thing is that while I can sense your frustration over the treatment, you being innocent is quite uncommon. In Mass we also have a rule that the husband is automatically pulled out and arrested. I am sure that some innocent folks get nabbed, but they are in the minority. It is a draconian way of thought that it must always be the husbands fault, but in domestic situations it is safer for all concerned that they seperate. For far far to long it was accepted as "ok" if a husband may have smacked his wife. It was a "family issue". The reult is a lot of woman got hurt or killed.

Now it has swung over to the other extreme, but of the two it is the safer one.
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