Pros and Cons
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Pros and Cons
Pros.... (I have to pretend he's still living here)
1) He helps with the housework
2) He cooks
3) I have some help with the kids
4) He does bring in some money (well, not since he's been over his head in debt)
5) Gives me money if I ask for it ($20 here/$20 there)
6)
Cons....
1) He's disrespectful
2) Has said many times that he hates me
3) We don't communicate
4) He has an addiction to alcohol
5) He just had his license suspended by the state - couldn't pay his insurance
6) He's irresponsible
7) He's inconsiderate
8)
Am I doing this right, because nothing is really coming to mind? Shouldn't there be more than this?
1) He helps with the housework
2) He cooks
3) I have some help with the kids
4) He does bring in some money (well, not since he's been over his head in debt)
5) Gives me money if I ask for it ($20 here/$20 there)
6)
Cons....
1) He's disrespectful
2) Has said many times that he hates me
3) We don't communicate
4) He has an addiction to alcohol
5) He just had his license suspended by the state - couldn't pay his insurance
6) He's irresponsible
7) He's inconsiderate
8)
Am I doing this right, because nothing is really coming to mind? Shouldn't there be more than this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
How about:
Is he emotionally supportive?
A great parent to your children?
When the chips are down can you count on him?
Do you want to grow old with this man?
Those would be some important things I think...
Is he emotionally supportive?
A great parent to your children?
When the chips are down can you count on him?
Do you want to grow old with this man?
Those would be some important things I think...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Is he emotionally supportive? - NO
A great parent to your children? - He's their friend, but IMO not a good parent
When the chips are down can you count on him? - If he's not drunk
Do you want to grow old with this man? - I used to think I did, now I'm not sure. My life with him is all I know. I've been with him since I was 16. He was my first love and the only person I every envisioned myself growing old with.
A great parent to your children? - He's their friend, but IMO not a good parent
When the chips are down can you count on him? - If he's not drunk
Do you want to grow old with this man? - I used to think I did, now I'm not sure. My life with him is all I know. I've been with him since I was 16. He was my first love and the only person I every envisioned myself growing old with.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Are you happy?
(When I married my husband, I envisioned us being partners for life, growing old together in our rocking chairs sipping lemonade, retiring in Florida)..He turned into being no kind've partner to me..Only a partner to his friends and alcohol...He was the biggest love of my life as well..So I understand what you mean...
(When I married my husband, I envisioned us being partners for life, growing old together in our rocking chairs sipping lemonade, retiring in Florida)..He turned into being no kind've partner to me..Only a partner to his friends and alcohol...He was the biggest love of my life as well..So I understand what you mean...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I was content, settled - but I don't think I was happy. I just slipped into the roll of "head of household" and took care of everything, including him.
I was on prozac for the last 6 or 7 years he was still at home. I stopped taking them when he moved out. I honestly don't know what I felt. I do remember a lot of disappointment, hurt, frustration, and anger. But not over joyed with happiness.
I was on prozac for the last 6 or 7 years he was still at home. I stopped taking them when he moved out. I honestly don't know what I felt. I do remember a lot of disappointment, hurt, frustration, and anger. But not over joyed with happiness.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Jess,
Another question. Are you in love with him? Not do you love him? We love our friends and parents...Is he in love with you?
Reading your post drug something from the deep recesses of my memory. I recall writing a pro and con list about my AH even before we were married. Guess there was something in the back of my mind telling me something and I didn't listen. And that was at least 30 years ago. Scary.
Another question. Are you in love with him? Not do you love him? We love our friends and parents...Is he in love with you?
Reading your post drug something from the deep recesses of my memory. I recall writing a pro and con list about my AH even before we were married. Guess there was something in the back of my mind telling me something and I didn't listen. And that was at least 30 years ago. Scary.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Yeah, I know what you mean...I was content on being a married woman and mother of 2 girls..I am the soccer mom, the dance mom...That is what I wanted..I think I was just trying to work at making him become the person I married..I wanted things to go back and be how they used to be..Why did he move out? Is there more peace in the house with him not there? I understand being in "Limbo"..Its probably best not to do anything until you will know..You won't even have to ask yourself..The feeling of certainty will overwhelm you and empower you... 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
i haven't done the pro and con list but back when i got married (which was a bit later in life - 38) i said i knew what i was getting into (in terms of i knew he drank a lot). boy did i fall flat on my face with THAT one. until i sought recovery last year i didn't really know SQUAT except how to behave in the same way i did growing up in a alcoholic home. i also said to myself that i really didn't want a child (that would have the possible genetic predisposition to the disease or grow up in that environment). i'm with kathy - why didn't i listen to that voice that was saying - no, no, no!? ah well, we keep plugging along!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by gelfling
Are you in love with him?
Originally Posted by EndOfRoadWife
Why did he move out? Is there more peace in the house with him not there?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jessica
Check out this thread on Healthy Relationships. This helped me so much to see clearly the problems with my ex.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=32667
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Check out this thread on Healthy Relationships. This helped me so much to see clearly the problems with my ex.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=32667
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by Andy F
Putting aside thoughts of loyalty, obligation, guilt of hurting them, complications, thinking of you only, is this the person you want to be commited to?
Thank you Minnie. I bookmarked it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
Hi Jessica
I was only talking for myself, based on what I have done really.
I used to try to work out whether I 'should' be in a relationship or not. I would try to hold all views, options and ramifications in my mind simultaneously to look for the 'right' or optimum decision. I'd think one thing and then another would contradict it. It didn't have a start or an end. How could I hurt someone, what would I do if they hurt themselves etc. etc.
Then I realised two things. (for me). One that I was very scared of making a decision to leave and then a month later regretting it. I also had to say that it would be inappropriate of me to stay with someone I didn't feel truly compatible with. That was as hurtful to them as my leaving.
In the end, after much agonising, I realised I needed to do the selfish or self-concerned thing. Putting aside complications and obligations, did 'I' want to be tied to this person. If the answer was Yes, then I had to make the best of it and adjust, and if it was No and I chose to stay at least that was a conscious decision and my mind was clarified.
That's just me
Andy
I was only talking for myself, based on what I have done really.
I used to try to work out whether I 'should' be in a relationship or not. I would try to hold all views, options and ramifications in my mind simultaneously to look for the 'right' or optimum decision. I'd think one thing and then another would contradict it. It didn't have a start or an end. How could I hurt someone, what would I do if they hurt themselves etc. etc.
Then I realised two things. (for me). One that I was very scared of making a decision to leave and then a month later regretting it. I also had to say that it would be inappropriate of me to stay with someone I didn't feel truly compatible with. That was as hurtful to them as my leaving.
In the end, after much agonising, I realised I needed to do the selfish or self-concerned thing. Putting aside complications and obligations, did 'I' want to be tied to this person. If the answer was Yes, then I had to make the best of it and adjust, and if it was No and I chose to stay at least that was a conscious decision and my mind was clarified.
That's just me
Andy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: DC Metro area
Posts: 22
to Jessica-consider this...
Lets pretend 10 years have passed since yesterday's post-
Nothing has changed on his end and you spend those 10 years hoping and believing but the obvious truth is he doesnt get it....Would you look back and wish you'd gotten out back then(now) or not???
If you arent financially dependent on him, show him the door and go find a great guy who is mature-who wants to grow with you....I just miss having him be on the same page of life with me- he is still 19-22ish in his actions and he is actually 32 real life years old.
It sucks to let someone's problems consume your life- I can say that living apart DEFINETLY helps our mental frame of mind- I separated and it was scary at first and then it was so great.....I never had to cover his behavior- clean up after his drinking- or listen to the crazy jardon that he spoke....Finally I was able to be a happy adult with a "normal" life- working, caring for the kids, visiting with friends and family-nice pleasant peaceful environment...............it was so nice- I miss it-
Then he pulled the trump card and suddenly wants to see the kids alot- And I hear what he has been doing- partying even harder since I left, right??
I couldnt trust him with the kids- I fought for supervised visits- judge denied me that-even though he ADMITTED his addictions on the stand...So I came back...I sucked it up and came back- Now I am sad all the time, resentful and angry at myself- at him-I try to focus on keeping the house beautiful- teaching my preschoolers at church on Wednesday nights, sports are coming up soon...that will consume atleast 8 weeks....but the clear difference is I am Sad again.........and I was feeling alot of happiness with him and his baggage out of my life.
Chew on that for a while and I pray you will find the answer for you out there somewhere. I am here for now, but I know its not forever- Its a matter of time, Iam trying hard (with the help of xanax) to make it thru this- and not be a b#tch to him much- I try to disconnect and just be MOM- but it definetly isnt what I wanted-I have to be strong mentally for my family-But I have friends with great caring husbands/fathers and I sure do envy them!! In a HEALTHY way, of course- I mean, its easier to stay focused on the great parts of life when someone isnt around always DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, you know- I liked not hearing all his pitiful tales of mischief and fun-He just lives it up- works alittle -parties alot and cant see why I am upset?
Like yesterday- he says- Oh, I am off to Nags Head for the weekend.........I was like- whatever- Actually I am atleast at the point where I wont sit and be angry or worry- I will seriously enjoy myself and my kids and pretend all is well - for 3 whole days. It's the little things they say, right?
Nothing has changed on his end and you spend those 10 years hoping and believing but the obvious truth is he doesnt get it....Would you look back and wish you'd gotten out back then(now) or not???
If you arent financially dependent on him, show him the door and go find a great guy who is mature-who wants to grow with you....I just miss having him be on the same page of life with me- he is still 19-22ish in his actions and he is actually 32 real life years old.
It sucks to let someone's problems consume your life- I can say that living apart DEFINETLY helps our mental frame of mind- I separated and it was scary at first and then it was so great.....I never had to cover his behavior- clean up after his drinking- or listen to the crazy jardon that he spoke....Finally I was able to be a happy adult with a "normal" life- working, caring for the kids, visiting with friends and family-nice pleasant peaceful environment...............it was so nice- I miss it-
Then he pulled the trump card and suddenly wants to see the kids alot- And I hear what he has been doing- partying even harder since I left, right??
I couldnt trust him with the kids- I fought for supervised visits- judge denied me that-even though he ADMITTED his addictions on the stand...So I came back...I sucked it up and came back- Now I am sad all the time, resentful and angry at myself- at him-I try to focus on keeping the house beautiful- teaching my preschoolers at church on Wednesday nights, sports are coming up soon...that will consume atleast 8 weeks....but the clear difference is I am Sad again.........and I was feeling alot of happiness with him and his baggage out of my life.
Chew on that for a while and I pray you will find the answer for you out there somewhere. I am here for now, but I know its not forever- Its a matter of time, Iam trying hard (with the help of xanax) to make it thru this- and not be a b#tch to him much- I try to disconnect and just be MOM- but it definetly isnt what I wanted-I have to be strong mentally for my family-But I have friends with great caring husbands/fathers and I sure do envy them!! In a HEALTHY way, of course-
I mean, its easier to stay focused on the great parts of life when someone isnt around always DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, you know- I liked not hearing all his pitiful tales of mischief and fun-He just lives it up- works alittle -parties alot and cant see why I am upset?Like yesterday- he says- Oh, I am off to Nags Head for the weekend.........I was like- whatever- Actually I am atleast at the point where I wont sit and be angry or worry- I will seriously enjoy myself and my kids and pretend all is well - for 3 whole days. It's the little things they say, right?
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