Soul Catcher

Ok. My husband and I don't live together and I emailed him telling him how I couldnt believe his was mad at me because I told him that his actions proved that he wasn't trying to keep our family together (continueing the drinking) I told him that the love I had is gone and that I live for me and the kids and not for him anymore. I wasn't going to allow him to come here to see the kids because he is always drunk. I told him I didn't know what he expected because I am moving on and its without him. I can no longer sit around and wait for a miracle...End..
He is very defensive and says my attitute suck. I have been trying for five years to help him and believe in him. It's WAY beyond the time for me to move on. So is it typical for an alcoholic to get angry when they realize that their wives are done and not taking them into consideration anymore? Also, whats the next step? Should I leave and find a new home for me and the kids? I have been here six years, he bought the house two years before we met. I am not on the mortgage so I am in his house. Should I just say forget it and leave?

prodigal

Why should you get an attorney? Well, you need a legal separation agreement that specifies child support. He bought the house before you were married, thus it is in his name alone. Florida is an equitable property state, I believe. Thus, if while you were married the tax assessor upped the value of the property, you should be able to get 50% of the excess amount. An example: when he bought the property it was assessed at $100,000. He married you. After a few years, the property was reassessed at $125,000. That's $25,000 more while you two were together. You should legally have the right to ask for half that $25K. Now please believe me that I don't know the laws in FL. I live in an equitable property state and that is the right of the spouse.

A lot depends on how long you two were married. The less time, the less you stand to get. That's just the way it is. On the other hand, your children have the right to a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. Please consult with an attorney ASAP.

The reaction you are getting is stereotypical addict. They will ALWAYS toss the blame back on you in order to make you feel guilty and less-than they are. It helps them feel as if they're "king" of their castle or a little god who swaggers around his domaine taking charge of how the serfs should feel. Just keep this in mind: if you suddenly think to yourself, "Jeesh, even an alky is rejecting me," it means you've become ill too.

Please consider getting into Al-Anon. Alcoholism is a disease of the entire family, with every member being affected. The longer we're exposed to the disease the crazier we become - to the point that we're as crazy as the A we've lived with!

You may not see that at this point, but that's okay. You want to get out and have a better life for you and your kids. Go for it. Let the legal system take care of all the details. This is when you have to hand this over to your H.P. and have faith that things will come out for the better. After all, what can be worse than having an addict abuse you? The only way is up from here! Stay strong and keep posting on your situation.

Soul Catcher

I did hire an attorney and filed for a divorce...I cancelled it if he agreed to let me and the kids stay here and he paid the bills. He agreed, He also said he would go into counseling (yet to see) It is true I would get half..I just want my kids to stay in their home so I am not really sweating leaving right now. I did file for child support and he will be served with that any day now. I do not have him come to the house. He lives a way aways and its three hours for him to get here. He knows I will never put the kids through hearing us argue and seeing him fall down and talk crap to me. I've already been to "crazy" and I crawled up from that grave and have made a huge stand for myself and my children.

Soul Catcher

Also I have three little kids and NO sitter so I can not attend al-anon meetings. Wish I could. I attend them on line occasionally but basically come to you all.

JessicaNAJ

That could have been me e-mailing my AH - almost to the tee.

Yeah, I think his behavior is normal alcoholic behavior. My AH reacted the same way.

I don't think my AH will ever get better, no matter how many ways I subconsciously try to make him feel guilty for his behavior. (that took a lot of re-reading my posts to see that.) I think, at the time, I'm telling him what I need to for me. But what is my underlying motive. Am I still hoping I can convince him to change? and if I am, why??

I say to follow your gut. It will keep you on the right path. Don't jump until you have your safety rope. You want to be ready.

Soul Catcher

I do have an underlying thought of "oh I wish what I say will wake him up" but it's only a thought. I know better. I have done EVERYTHING that I knew of to try to make him realize. I talked to his doctors, called his boss, took away his pills and emtied bottles, made no more liqior in the house rule, literally beat him up, yelled, screamed, cried, broke his stuff, made rude comments about his parents, called him EVERY name in the book, humiliated him, called friends in front of him to make him look stupid, had another child, filed for divorce, sent emails, cards, letters, talked to all of his family, sent him to jail, called the police several times, threatend everything under the sun. Wow...just typing that made me realize what all I tried. Even losing the kids didn't wake him up. They don't get it. Everything can be handled and nothing should be that bad to have to be medicated. How can their fear be that bad. Is it really fear? Or is it just habit?

Magichappens

I guess what you should do depends on what you want. If you want to end the dependence on him, and all the stuff that goes with it, get a plan. If you want to stay and learn how to deal with him better, find some support. There is a lot of support for learning how to deal with the situation we are currently in. Therapy and Al-Anon are just two options that come to mind.

Even if you decide to stay for now and get help, you may eventually feel that moving on is best. But seeking support can help you better see and utilize your options. Hugs, Magic