should I stay with him or leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: US
Posts: 5
should I stay with him or leave?
Could use some advice as am feeling so lost. For the past month have been worried re: my s.o. When I finally confronted him about it, have learned that he has been hiding his drinking from me for the better part of a year and most of our relationship. I am afraid to leave him, but don't know how to trust in this relationship. I have issues of my own including depression and anxiety, as well as come from a family with a history of substance abuse, so i don't know why this is so surprising. What to do? Am afraid to leave him as he will feel abandoned and am afraid of what he might do. He wants to try to beat this, but is aware that it will be a hard and difficult journey. He is scared that he will fail. I am scared that I will fail him. Have not told my friend as I know they will tell me to leave. How do I support him and myself at the same time?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: US
Posts: 316
The first step is to slow down and breath.
And don't worry about failing him.
Taking care of yourself is the best thing to do.
First thing is to learn ALL you can about alcoholism. Reading these boards is a great place to start.
If he wants to stop, he will have to find his own way to sobriety. You can be supportive and loving, although you need to realize he will not do it for you.
Just breath and focus on what you need to do for yourself to be the healthiest you can be.
Stick around. There are many wise people here.
Jenny
And don't worry about failing him.
Taking care of yourself is the best thing to do.
First thing is to learn ALL you can about alcoholism. Reading these boards is a great place to start.
If he wants to stop, he will have to find his own way to sobriety. You can be supportive and loving, although you need to realize he will not do it for you.
Just breath and focus on what you need to do for yourself to be the healthiest you can be.
Stick around. There are many wise people here.
Jenny
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: US
Posts: 5
Thank you Jenny. I should have known; perhaps I did and didn't want to face it. Right now, I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I know that he won't do it for me or for us, and am scared that taking care of me means not being there for him. Thank you for your words of encouragement
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
am scared that taking care of me means not being there for him
Just remember, that when Alice fell down the rabbit hole she had the adventure of a lifetime...
So read, breathe, relax... you're among friends here who DO understand.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Thats a daily battle for me. I am TRULY on the fence here! Sometimes I feel like we can spend the rest of our lives together, and other times I feel like I couldn't leave fast enough! I think at this point, the good out weighs the bad. I'm "hanging" for the moment and going to counceling, alanon, and talking here. I do my artwork too. Take care of yourself first! Have you read the 12 steps book for alanon?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by rivercitybelle
Just remember, that when Alice fell down the rabbit hole she had the adventure of a lifetime....
sorry for the hijack.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: new mexico
Posts: 42
avsml67,
Welcome..... There are a lot of wise, intelligent people here on SR. You'll find many who have been right where you are. Ask guestions and I think you will be surprised at the information people are willing to share.
ONE THING I WISH I COULD DO FOR YOU, IS TELL YOU WHAT TO DO-------STAY OR LEAVE????
..........CAN'T.... Not what I am supposed to do according to the program I try to work. Only way I would *tell* you anything about leaving is if you or your family are in physical danger.
That said, I would suggest you think about visiting Alanon meetings and keep posting here.
larry
As far as him failing, he only fails if he quits trying. Few people find sobriety or recovery on their first try. Each positive step he takes is part of the recovery journey.
Welcome..... There are a lot of wise, intelligent people here on SR. You'll find many who have been right where you are. Ask guestions and I think you will be surprised at the information people are willing to share.
ONE THING I WISH I COULD DO FOR YOU, IS TELL YOU WHAT TO DO-------STAY OR LEAVE????
..........CAN'T.... Not what I am supposed to do according to the program I try to work. Only way I would *tell* you anything about leaving is if you or your family are in physical danger.
That said, I would suggest you think about visiting Alanon meetings and keep posting here.
larry
As far as him failing, he only fails if he quits trying. Few people find sobriety or recovery on their first try. Each positive step he takes is part of the recovery journey.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi avsml67,
I know how scary it is to find out that alcoholism has infiltrated our life. But there is a lot of help available. Like others have said, a problem drinker has to realize for themself that they have a problem. Part of the disease of alcoholism is denial. What seems like the obvious to those outside is invisible to the alcoholic themself. They have to realize that alcohol isn't the solution to what is wrong with them.
I highly recommend Al-Anon. It has helped families of alcoholics for over 50 years. It has changed my perception of alcoholism, and given me the strength and courage to take care of me. There are people who are in the same situations, but have learned to deal with it in a different way. There is a lot of understanding, love and support there. We don't have to go through this alone, lost, and afraid if we don't want to.
SR has been a great tool in my recovery. I welcome you and hope you stick around. Hugs, Magic
I know how scary it is to find out that alcoholism has infiltrated our life. But there is a lot of help available. Like others have said, a problem drinker has to realize for themself that they have a problem. Part of the disease of alcoholism is denial. What seems like the obvious to those outside is invisible to the alcoholic themself. They have to realize that alcohol isn't the solution to what is wrong with them.
I highly recommend Al-Anon. It has helped families of alcoholics for over 50 years. It has changed my perception of alcoholism, and given me the strength and courage to take care of me. There are people who are in the same situations, but have learned to deal with it in a different way. There is a lot of understanding, love and support there. We don't have to go through this alone, lost, and afraid if we don't want to.
SR has been a great tool in my recovery. I welcome you and hope you stick around. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
Agh! This is what I get for not having access to a computer over the weekends - I'm so sorry I missed this post until now - avsml67, I am in a VERY similar situation... my ABF and I have been together for almost two years... I did not know he was an A until he told me so, in the SAME conversation in which I was trying to break up with him (this was a month ago now)! Of course, while I didn't have the official diagnosis, I certainly knew he had problems - hard for him to hold a job, mis-manged money, living at home, etc... but part of me was relieved to have finally have a name to the enemy.
So when he finally told me that he's an alcoholic, and that he wants to recover, if it's possible about 100 emotions hit me at once...
In the last month I've been through feeling anger, stupidity (how could I have missed this? - well, because he actively hid it from me), resentment.
The first post I made I was DYING for someone to tell me to leave the bum. Shockingly, no one did. They encouraged me to step back, breath, learn all I can, and get support for myself. Honestly, who in their right mind would CHOOSE to love such a messed up individual??? Well, me as it turns out. Because in reality, now that the truth is on the table between us, this is the only context in which there is any possibility that we can survive as a couple.
I'm not saying I'm ready to marry him yet, and I may never be. But I am still in love with his sweet, caring, generous soul, and walking out was just not something I could do and still feel good as a human being. So, with these fine folks here and Al-anon, I'm starting to learn how to protect myself throughout this long, arduous process, and I believe that regardless of what happens between ABF and myself, I will be a better person when I come out on the other side.
Love to you....
So when he finally told me that he's an alcoholic, and that he wants to recover, if it's possible about 100 emotions hit me at once...
In the last month I've been through feeling anger, stupidity (how could I have missed this? - well, because he actively hid it from me), resentment.
The first post I made I was DYING for someone to tell me to leave the bum. Shockingly, no one did. They encouraged me to step back, breath, learn all I can, and get support for myself. Honestly, who in their right mind would CHOOSE to love such a messed up individual??? Well, me as it turns out. Because in reality, now that the truth is on the table between us, this is the only context in which there is any possibility that we can survive as a couple.
I'm not saying I'm ready to marry him yet, and I may never be. But I am still in love with his sweet, caring, generous soul, and walking out was just not something I could do and still feel good as a human being. So, with these fine folks here and Al-anon, I'm starting to learn how to protect myself throughout this long, arduous process, and I believe that regardless of what happens between ABF and myself, I will be a better person when I come out on the other side.
Love to you....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: US
Posts: 5
Thank you all. It has been a hard few days; already, I can say that this site has been more help than I can put into words. So thanks to each of you for sharing. Have ordered the Al-Anon book and did an on-line meeting which was a first. And have treated myself to a cooking class, as that is something I used to enjoy doing and haven't done much of in the past two years as he preferred to go out than to cook.
What is so hard today is to know what about our relationship to believe in, as the lies, the hiding, the subtle manipulation, the avoidance, had been going on for at least 12 - 15 months before I clued in. (so yes GGnewme - I know all too well those feelings of anger, stupidity and resentment, among others). It is hard to trust in whether the 'good' times were truly good. In other ways, there is an odd sense of relief, as this has started a conversation on not just the drinking per se, but all of the issues around our relationship that he (and I, to be fair) were avoiding; it also helps shed some light on the small unnecessary and usually-transparent lies that drove me crazy, the nights when he wanted to stay home alone instead of going out, the not wanting to do things with my friends, and more recently, edginess, forgotten conversations, and nights when he would stay up and watch television after I went to bed. So there it is. It is only day 4. Peace to you all.
What is so hard today is to know what about our relationship to believe in, as the lies, the hiding, the subtle manipulation, the avoidance, had been going on for at least 12 - 15 months before I clued in. (so yes GGnewme - I know all too well those feelings of anger, stupidity and resentment, among others). It is hard to trust in whether the 'good' times were truly good. In other ways, there is an odd sense of relief, as this has started a conversation on not just the drinking per se, but all of the issues around our relationship that he (and I, to be fair) were avoiding; it also helps shed some light on the small unnecessary and usually-transparent lies that drove me crazy, the nights when he wanted to stay home alone instead of going out, the not wanting to do things with my friends, and more recently, edginess, forgotten conversations, and nights when he would stay up and watch television after I went to bed. So there it is. It is only day 4. Peace to you all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: LaPointe, WI
Posts: 3
I can relate to some of these posts as well. I have been married for 27 years and the past few years have been getting continually worse. He does not believe he has a problem and I have given a lot of thought to the idea of leaving. We have 2 children, one at home still, and the situation gets a little more complicated because of the children. I have friends that are encouraging me to organize an intervention before I consider moving out. Can anyone tell me just what I need to do to stage an intervention?
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
avsml67,
You are headed in the right direction. It takes a long time for us to get in the situation we find ourself is, whether we were aware of it or not. It takes a while for us to understand and start getting better. I know it is frustrating to be confused and unsure, but give the things you are doing some time to start working.
One thing that was suggested to me when I first started Al-Anon was to give the program a year before I made any major decisions. Making decisions based on confusion and pain can have less than pleasant results, and even compound the pain we are already in. Just continue to reach out. You will find your own direction if you give it some time. Hugs, Magic
You are headed in the right direction. It takes a long time for us to get in the situation we find ourself is, whether we were aware of it or not. It takes a while for us to understand and start getting better. I know it is frustrating to be confused and unsure, but give the things you are doing some time to start working.
One thing that was suggested to me when I first started Al-Anon was to give the program a year before I made any major decisions. Making decisions based on confusion and pain can have less than pleasant results, and even compound the pain we are already in. Just continue to reach out. You will find your own direction if you give it some time. Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: DC Metro area
Posts: 22
To both ggnewme and avsml-
I am sorry to say this but I would rather say it than not say it....
Not sure the bio on avsml but sounds life ggnewme should NEVER marry that guy-
To both of you- if there are no kids involved you need to run for the hills before there are kids involved which is a nightmare of guilt neither of you would order for dinner in the future right?
Look, I have been with my husband almost a decade and we married pretty young and dumb- like before I would ever even THOUGHT he had a problem- back then in college years-we all partied so why would I think he was any different....Well, he was-the rest have all matured and none of the rest of us suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction- HOWEVER he does-He wasnt so bad off the first few years, but as I can share with you what I have lived- I can tell you -you dont want to waste your life on someone with this problem- If you havent already married the guy and commited your life to him, GET THE F OUT...........save yourself the tears and time and pain you WILL endure if you stay with him. It usually takes YEARS for a chance to happen- I STILL havent seen a better day with him in YEARS....he is actually MUCH MUCH WORSE, which none of us positive naive thinkers realize is possible UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU.
Now I get it, I screwed up- I married someone who doesnt get it, may never get it and my kids are the innocent ones who will always suffer b/c of him - they have no idea yet exactly what they are missing...but I do - my dad is great and I dont know why I ended up here with this weak addicted guy but I did- and my commitment to our kids and marriage are the only reason I am still here..........If I could go back 10 years and not be married to him,, I would- in a heartbeat. We get ONE life- and I feel like I cheated myself and my kids out of the great one we could have if I had JUST been alittle more aware of him and his issues back then. I feel for you both in your situations, If you arent tied to him by marriage or children, why dont you just see what else is out there for you??These people arent ready to love you- and their disease will hurt you andn consume you id you let it- I am in my 30s now-and it took my whole 20s to realize what the deal was here- I cant go back - but I can certainly advise YOU TWO to keep on looking for a great guy to catch.........they are out there- dont settle for someone who cant be there FOR YOU-
I am sorry to say this but I would rather say it than not say it....
Not sure the bio on avsml but sounds life ggnewme should NEVER marry that guy-
To both of you- if there are no kids involved you need to run for the hills before there are kids involved which is a nightmare of guilt neither of you would order for dinner in the future right?
Look, I have been with my husband almost a decade and we married pretty young and dumb- like before I would ever even THOUGHT he had a problem- back then in college years-we all partied so why would I think he was any different....Well, he was-the rest have all matured and none of the rest of us suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction- HOWEVER he does-He wasnt so bad off the first few years, but as I can share with you what I have lived- I can tell you -you dont want to waste your life on someone with this problem- If you havent already married the guy and commited your life to him, GET THE F OUT...........save yourself the tears and time and pain you WILL endure if you stay with him. It usually takes YEARS for a chance to happen- I STILL havent seen a better day with him in YEARS....he is actually MUCH MUCH WORSE, which none of us positive naive thinkers realize is possible UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU.
Now I get it, I screwed up- I married someone who doesnt get it, may never get it and my kids are the innocent ones who will always suffer b/c of him - they have no idea yet exactly what they are missing...but I do - my dad is great and I dont know why I ended up here with this weak addicted guy but I did- and my commitment to our kids and marriage are the only reason I am still here..........If I could go back 10 years and not be married to him,, I would- in a heartbeat. We get ONE life- and I feel like I cheated myself and my kids out of the great one we could have if I had JUST been alittle more aware of him and his issues back then. I feel for you both in your situations, If you arent tied to him by marriage or children, why dont you just see what else is out there for you??These people arent ready to love you- and their disease will hurt you andn consume you id you let it- I am in my 30s now-and it took my whole 20s to realize what the deal was here- I cant go back - but I can certainly advise YOU TWO to keep on looking for a great guy to catch.........they are out there- dont settle for someone who cant be there FOR YOU-
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: DC
Posts: 1
to stay or go?
avsml67 & ggnewm–
I am at the same place as you two. My BF of 3 years has always had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. 2 years ago, his sister was killed in a car accident (the other driver's fault). Ever since then, his dependence on alchohol has increased. He goes in phases where things are going well and he seems to have control of his addiction. But days happen, like last night, where he not only came home very drunk, but he lied about where he was. He is impossible to talk to seriously about the situation (sober or not). I know it is up to him to face his fear and his addiction. But how much it too much? How much can I stand before I leave? I want to be supportive and help him through this. I feel lost.
I am at the same place as you two. My BF of 3 years has always had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. 2 years ago, his sister was killed in a car accident (the other driver's fault). Ever since then, his dependence on alchohol has increased. He goes in phases where things are going well and he seems to have control of his addiction. But days happen, like last night, where he not only came home very drunk, but he lied about where he was. He is impossible to talk to seriously about the situation (sober or not). I know it is up to him to face his fear and his addiction. But how much it too much? How much can I stand before I leave? I want to be supportive and help him through this. I feel lost.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome Avsml! You seem to have struck a chord with some other new members too, and I welcome all of you as well.
This is a hard place where you all are at the moment. There is so much fear involved that it is paralysing. But, you all have to look after yourselves. You can't sacrifice yourselves at the altar of someone elses problems.
Get along to Al-anon meeting, keep coming here, read the "power" or "sticky" posts on here and on the nar-anon forum, get a copy of "co-dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. All of these will help you see your situation in it's true light.
We've all been there and many of us still are. There is support here like you would never believe.
Looking forward to getting to know you all.
Love
Minnie
xxx
This is a hard place where you all are at the moment. There is so much fear involved that it is paralysing. But, you all have to look after yourselves. You can't sacrifice yourselves at the altar of someone elses problems.
Get along to Al-anon meeting, keep coming here, read the "power" or "sticky" posts on here and on the nar-anon forum, get a copy of "co-dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. All of these will help you see your situation in it's true light.
We've all been there and many of us still are. There is support here like you would never believe.
Looking forward to getting to know you all.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I know how it feels to be trying to make the staying or leaving decision. I don't think anyone else can answer that question for you. Every situation is just too different. When I first came here I was beating myself up for not being able to decide. The more beating I did, the more paralyzed I became. Some very wise people here told me to relax, breath and take care of myself. It was the best response I could have gotten. Staying with an A is very hard work. The healthier you become the more you can handle. It's better for you and it's better for them. They have sickness in their lives already, they can't help you with yours.
The answer will come. I don't think it's something you can crusade to find. When you make that decision to stay or that decision to leave you'll know it's the right one. It might take some time and that's when you have to be good to yourself. Let it come naturally.
The answer will come. I don't think it's something you can crusade to find. When you make that decision to stay or that decision to leave you'll know it's the right one. It might take some time and that's when you have to be good to yourself. Let it come naturally.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
Lots to think about. Well, let me reiterate that the main reason we are still "together" is that I didn't feel right about slamming the door in the face of someone finally and at long last admitting they have a problem with alcohol and taking steps to recover. I believe I have lots of support to give, but let me be clear that I am anything but a romantic - practical to a fault.
I was glad to learn in al-anon that I cannot fix my BF, that this is up to him and so far, he's been doing pretty well and at this point, I believe he is sincere in recovery.
That said, I will be 31 in two months, never been married. I am VERY interested in having a sweet, peaceful life, and wary of inviting trouble in. And in that sense I very much appreciate the warning. But like Magic said, if you still love this person, I think it's ok to give it a little time and see what happens. Now, if someone else asked me out on a date, I would probably take it.
Learning detachment was invaluable for me - for one thing, I had already created a "mother" role for myself regarding his life - I was all about telling him exactly what he should be doing to get a job, how to eat better, when to go to bed... really basic stuff - so I knew that I even created that place for myself was wrong, but I didn't know how to undo it save for ending our relationship - I certainly wasn't happy.... so, like I said, the same conversation in which I tried to end it came this confession...
I felt a little trapped, although in the same breath he was telling me to leave him, that he didn't deserve me, etc... But have had enough pain in my life (caused by sober people) to know that whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I can handle this for now - I am moving on with my life in many ways, with al-anon lit. and detachment. He has relapsed 2x in 30 days, and the second time, he called to tell me in tears, again apologizing, as if it were something he had done to me... well, it wasn't. Putting himself back at square one was soley his problem. I hung up the phone and continued on with my day.
I have had to learn a lot of patience, but I am comfortable today with waiting and seeing what he does with this.... I'll know when it's time not to invest anymore of myself in this relationship. Neither of us is focused on much but our own indivdual recovery right now.
Good luck to us all!!
I was glad to learn in al-anon that I cannot fix my BF, that this is up to him and so far, he's been doing pretty well and at this point, I believe he is sincere in recovery.
That said, I will be 31 in two months, never been married. I am VERY interested in having a sweet, peaceful life, and wary of inviting trouble in. And in that sense I very much appreciate the warning. But like Magic said, if you still love this person, I think it's ok to give it a little time and see what happens. Now, if someone else asked me out on a date, I would probably take it.
Learning detachment was invaluable for me - for one thing, I had already created a "mother" role for myself regarding his life - I was all about telling him exactly what he should be doing to get a job, how to eat better, when to go to bed... really basic stuff - so I knew that I even created that place for myself was wrong, but I didn't know how to undo it save for ending our relationship - I certainly wasn't happy.... so, like I said, the same conversation in which I tried to end it came this confession...
I felt a little trapped, although in the same breath he was telling me to leave him, that he didn't deserve me, etc... But have had enough pain in my life (caused by sober people) to know that whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
I can handle this for now - I am moving on with my life in many ways, with al-anon lit. and detachment. He has relapsed 2x in 30 days, and the second time, he called to tell me in tears, again apologizing, as if it were something he had done to me... well, it wasn't. Putting himself back at square one was soley his problem. I hung up the phone and continued on with my day.
I have had to learn a lot of patience, but I am comfortable today with waiting and seeing what he does with this.... I'll know when it's time not to invest anymore of myself in this relationship. Neither of us is focused on much but our own indivdual recovery right now.
Good luck to us all!!
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