equus

This is a song that I played to my husband before we got married. It had taken him nearly ten years to call me up - but I was there. I hadn't waited, I hadn't expected - but I was there.

I can't match this with all I hear about co-dependency, maybe because I've heard the wrong things. What I know is this song is as true for me now as it was then. I get it returned and to me that's marriage. I chose this because chosing it is the only way to match what I feel in my heart with what I say.

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

minnie

That is wonderful, equus. I hope hubby will one day let his true colours show to everyone. And I know you take heart from the fact that he lets you in enough, so that YOU can see his true colours.

(This is where I, and I'm sure many others, have a problem and possibly explains why you can't relate to some people's experiences. My ex really didn't show his true colours, even to me. They were so drowned in alcohol and self-hatred and fear that they were impossible to see. And believe me, I tried searching. But if someone is gripping onto them so tight, that is nigh on impossible. Therefore, real emotional intimacy wasn't an option.)

Thank you for sharing.

Love

Minnie
xxx

equus

I agree with you completely Minnie, this is definately of his making too. Years ago I only saw a fraction of what I see now, alcohol did dull what's there. But even then I never knew he was shy because he wasn't with me, he called me 'Me Lady' from almost the first day we met, for all he's been afraid to let people in he's been consistantly more open with me.

His fight with alcohol has been awesome and by no means finished yet. He has used everything and anything as tools to hold it and control it. Each tool has failed but he carried on learning he could rely on less and less. He's used opening hours - or more accurately closing hours, geographical distance, driving (cos he won't drink and drive), counting, writing stuff down, staying at work, moving to the middle of nowhere, and so much more. Now he's using just not drinking and I think it may take a few attempts for him to understand why this works so much better but he is giving it new attempts, he is learning.

His fight to let his true colours show is only just begining. He's working at his uni work and is going to complete EVERY assignment - that will be a first!! He tells me his marks now. At home he's less and less afraid to be who he is and his colours are exquisite.

I know absolutely I haven't the strength to have walked his path, I wouldn't have the guts to risk letting myself shine but I think he has. I think I will see the day when he lets himself shine, in his own individual, unique, and amazing colours. I hope so with all my heart because I want to feel that pride, I want to be stood next to him so damn proud.

Alcoholic or not he's the only one I've ever felt that way about. I know he's unusual and I might be wrong to say it but I can't not know it.

cwohio

equus - what a beautiful post!

queenofthehwy

equus,

That was so wonderful!!! You are a very kind and strong person.
I really admire you and your H.

Mindi

equus

I just realised how this must read to anyone letting go of an alcoholic, or anyone who has split.

I'm going to paste in here what I wrote when someone asked me a lot of what if's. It isn't about the future - I couldn't have answered those, I was asked about the past and 'what if' things hadn't worked out.

It's funny but to me watching alcoholism is so much like seeing (or how I imagine seeing) someone taken out by a tide. It get's so hard to explain why it never even crossed my mind that he might still be out there somewhere - it was because of what I saw.

gelfling

True colors was always a favorite of mine. Funny how it takes on a particular meaning when before the lyrics were merely "pretty words".

Cindy Lauper?

Thanks for sharing.

equus

Just realised there's a verse missing!!

You're right Kathy and this verse was the most important of all!!

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

DOH!!! This is the bit I find hard to reconcile with some of the codie stuff. I still mean ALL of the song.

Oh and yep it was the Cyndi Lauper version - the best in my book!!

minnie

I think codies are more likely to be doing the calling, rather that being there for the call. Or at least, sitting by the phone waiting for the call.

equus

One thing I don't get. How the hell do you show no emotion?

His car got broken into - he's not using it as an excuse, he says he wants a Guiness because he got his OU result. I knew when he told me the lock was bust, when he said he hated the town, that's the end of this sober spell.

He's out with the tow truck now - I really need to know how to show noe emotion

cwohio

equus - if you figure that one out - please pass it on!

equus

Then what's right and what's wrong? He says he won't go but that's about me not him. I know it has to be his choice.

I've really loved the last few weeks, I know he'll find his way back to that but I don't want him to get sick again.

JessicaNAJ

For me - it was "fake it till you make it".

((((equus))))

equus

Too late. He asked if I could really enjoy it if we went out. I said I would try and that it was up to him. I also said I was only worried because he's felt so well the last couple of weeks.

He's said he'd rather stay in now - he's not sulking, he's said he doesn't mind really.

I feel confused - I didn't want to stop him but I did because I couldn't be happy with it.

equus

Bloody hell!! So I read this and think to myself. Okay FAKE IT! But in a good way as he's made his mind up to stay in.

So I trundle across the living room and say we should do something to celebrate his OU - Either go for the couple of pints OR sit in, watch a movie, eat tomato foccia and brie, and sup smoothies!

Guess what? He's says he'd still really prefere a beer.

So off we go, unless he changes his mind again, which I doubt, unless I show anything other than glee - and I'm not gleefull.

So I lie - he drinks and this is good?

minnie

This really is his to own, hon. I know that he doesn't like going out on his own - but that's his choice and his choice alone. If you don't want to go out for a drink, then either he stays home with you or he goes out by himself.

I know how hard this is and I wosh I had better advice cos I can feel how much you're looking for it right now.

Love

Minnie
xxx

ahcb

Eq,

Perhaps I am missing something and sorry If I am, but ineed help on this one. You are happy he isnt drinking, you prefer he not drink, then you ask him to go for out for a couple of pints?? Am I missing something?

JessicaNAJ

I would have to guess that you were feeling bad because....
so you thought you would "make it up to him" by offering...
I only ask because I use to do the same thing with my AH. I would put my happiness on hold to keep him happy. It seemed as if I was "reading his mind". Somehow, I could tell he wasn't happy. Then I started kicking myself when I realized it wasn't up to me to decide how he was feeling. If he wasn't happy, it's up to him to tell me. Believe me, I still struggle with that one. So, I do the "fake it till I make it". I put on my happy face, no matter how bad I think he feels and go on about my business. I really really have to bite my tongue alot. (Sometimes, I feel like I'm being a real B b/c I'm not being my CoDe self, but deep down I know I'm doing what's best for me.)

Hang in there Equus.... you're doing just fine

equus

I think it was a case of trying to hard to not try. I just wanted him to have the choice so I gave two alternatives (hoping that my cheeriness meant I wasn't trying to control!) - I think that did give him the choice, he chose Guinness!!

Okay - I feel dumb for 100 different reasons. Achb - it's easy, I screwed up, but I didn't ask him to go out, I asked him to chose between that and a different way to celebrate!!

Part of what I was attempting to put into practice was filling the void with something else good - maybe that would have helped if he'd chosen it!