Rose56

Good Morning All! I really want to hide my behavior last night under a bush, but I will share here as I really want to grow and change. Last night when I came home from work, my husband wasn't there and the kids were asking what's for dinner. So I calmly went into the kitchen and put together several possibilities, they choose one and I made dinner. Nothing special. Soon after this my husband came home and he had been drinking but not too much. I was calm in my interaction at first and didn't even ask where he had been. But then the beast came over me and it seemed I couldn't stop myself from asking him where he had been and when he said the bar from making comments and judgments about this. I will tell you I had a couple of bad days at work, I made a poor decision and was called on it. Not really a big deal, but I don't make mistakes at work often, I hate making mistakes. So I proceeded into a full scale crying spell, together with blaming and accusing my husband. As I was saying certain statements, I knew they weren't true. Such as:"If you cared about me you would do something about this situation, ie. Get a job, stop drinking". I know this is not true. But back I am to my old self and my old ways. Is there ever a time when I will be able to change? These crying spells and accusations go way back for me, way before I met my husband. I guess it will take awhile before I can make these changes stick.

So here I am, ok and hopeful one day, minding my own business. And filled with self pity, anger, accusations, and sadness the next day. I do want to heal my life. I know its not about my relationship with my husband. Its my basic thinking about life and how to live that is flawed. I will keep working, trying , and never give up. Thanks for listening.

JT

Rose,

It is progress, not perfection. You know that what you said was not true...you recognized the beast. As you get stronger you will be able to stop it. Did you get anything from it...except that now you feel bad? Did it accomplish anything....are you one step closer to a solution?

The next time the beast rears it's ugly head try to remember how you feel today about what you did last night....you can spare yourself the regret you feel today. And if you react again, so what...at some point you won't want to put yourself through the emotions anymore and the beast will be tamed!

Onward and upward Rose....you are doing great!

JT

Rose56

Thanks JT, Did I get anything from it? I was able to release a lot of pent up emotion and frustration and those feelings are missing this morning. But as you said now I am filled with remorse. Are we any closer to a solution? No, I dont think so. He is so filled with self loathing and is so discouraged about ever finding a job that he can be proud of, a job that gives him a sense of self worth. I think he has a better idea of how distressed I am, but no this scene didn't accoumplish anything positive.

Ann

Hi Rose

You learned something from this...and that is growth.

We are not perfect, and sometimes we just lose it, but recognizing it and growing when it happens is part of stepping forward, not back.

Don't beat yourself up, just keep moving.

You are doing fine, and it's all about baby steps.

JT

Rose,

You can see that he is filled with self loathing and that he is discouraged about finding a job he can be proud of.....that is compassion! It may be overshadowed with anger right now, but the compassion IS there. Do you see it...even a little?

Hugs,

JT

bonbon

Rose,
You know reading your post made me think about my anger while I was with my A. Gosh I used to hate biting my tongue, and actually to be honest I never learned how to do it. Sometimes I would want to take a freaking baseball bat and knock sense into him. Boy that would have helped right? Probobaly would have gotten drunk to take the pain away. Ok, there came out a little sarcasim. Overlook me.

It is difficult to change thinking, Ogly would tell me all the time, changing the way we think, is just as hard as the A stopping drinking. Makes sense doesn't it?

Hang in there, I promise you if you work on yourself it CAN and WILL get better.

I found that once I let go of the fantasy that things would work out, and once I let go of trying to "fix" and change him, or make him see I was worth it, I found I started discovering I could make myself happy, and that I WAS worth much more than what he had to give me, which was **** most of the time.

When it is said letting go isn't always easy, it is true.

Take little steps, just think of one you could start working on....and go from there.

Your worth it, you deserve it, your a wonderful person!!!

Love ya!

Rose56

Thanks, yes JT I can feel compassion for him, in the midst of this chaos. Yes Anns and Bonbon I will take baby steps, I will keep working.
I have decided to change my morning routine a little so I am more awake when I do my meditation. I also decided to start the meditation by reviewing the twelve steps, especially the powerless one! Then forward into my day..............

Morning Glory

Rose,

Recognizing what you are doing is a huge step. I slip with my son still and I recognize it and quickly appologize. The last time was when I was in a bad mood and the phone bill came and he made $15.00 worth of calls.

I said some hurtful things about buying him food and spending too much money. It wasn't the $15.00 that bothered me it was my bad mood and I took it out on him. I did some damage. The next time we went grocery shopping he wouldn't tell me anything he needed.

I can beat myself up for this slip or I can realize how far I've come and learn from it. I used to treat him like that all of the time and didn't even know what I was doing.

The fact that I had remorse was a good sign and will teach me and remind me to be more careful next time.

Hugs,

MG

JT

MG,

...and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

That is where amends come in. At least you can stop storing more wrongs up and apologize when you know you have behaved badly. Not wanting to apologize to an A is a fine way to learn to change our behavior.

Hugs,

JT