I Just Can't Get Rid of My Anger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near the edge of reality
Posts: 36
I Just Can't Get Rid of My Anger
I have this rage just under the surface that I am trying desparately to get rid of in some healthy way. I was a single parent, worked 2 jobs for 7 years, gave up any sort of social life to raise my 2 kids and put them through two of the best universities in the country. I'm still paying off college. I did everything I could for two reasons: so they could have a better life than me, and so that once they were raised I would have time for ME. So here I am at 50 and I find out that my daughter is an alcoholic. I'm going to 2 alanon meetings a week, I'm in therapy, I'm struggling with what to say what not to say. And I'm ANGRY. I'm so very angry. I can't dump it on her, so I dump it wherever I can. Someone pulls in front of me, someone at work says/does something stupid, I dump it wherever I can. I'm afraid of getting fired, getting in trouble but I still can't get rid of the rage. Now I'm dumping it here. Sorry. Anyone have any suggestions? Please?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((newbeginnings)))))
Hey come on and dump that is what we are here for. I sometimes go off in my car and park on some deserted street or parking lot and scream as loud and as long as I can. I also beat my bed with a pillow and also sometimes my husband.....
Hey come on and dump that is what we are here for. I sometimes go off in my car and park on some deserted street or parking lot and scream as loud and as long as I can. I also beat my bed with a pillow and also sometimes my husband.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
To get anger is a normal reaction and to express it till some limit is a healthy human sign but if it gets too hot and hurts you as well as others.
First of all , relax down , take a deep breath. Now find out what's disturbing you the most? Is it your lack of sleep? Thinking that everybody hates you? Or your daily heavy routine that is behind your short temper ness. If you have figured it out , then you have taken the very first step.
When you get angry:
1.Take a deep breath from your diaphragm and not from the chest, breathing from chest would not relax you down.
2.Say to yourself "Take it easy" , "Calm down" or "Relax". Repeat these words while breathing deeply.
3.Imagine your beautiful moments of life or a beautiful scenery that relaxes your imagination.
Steps to reduce anger:
1.Take at least seven hours of calm and peaceful sleep in a day , don't play music while sleeping , just let your nerves relax and not suffer the harmful effects of music. Sleep in silence. Sleep at proper timings I-e at night and not till late day.
2.Wake up early in the morning , take a morning walk in the garden, talk to yourself about what you have to do all day.
3.Stop criticism and all negative pessimistic thoughts , stop counting flaws in people.
4.Instead of hate , keep love in your heart and smile.
5.Try tolerating things, don't shout if you are uncomfortable over a point , discuss it peacefully , don't quit neither fall into useless argument.
6.Don't believe yourself always right. "One who considers himself always right is always wrong".
7. Read as many jokes as you can and cherish your friends with these jokes.
8.Learn to manage your life.
9.It is better to change the way you think and perceive things , angry people tend to curse or swear and speak very quickly , it is better if one changes his way of approach , for example , instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
10.Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
11.Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
12.Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
13.Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
14. Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a master, a powerful ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are
If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter trail.
Where does anger come from?
Before we start dealing with management steps , let's see where does anger come from and what are the reasons?
1.When one has some complexes like under estimation or superiority complex etc.
2.When a person is afraid of things in life.
3.When a person cannot make decisions and does not know how to manage things properly.
4.Who believe themselves always right.
5.The more you show your anger , the more you show your ignorance.
Other things you could try...Take five. If someone or something has angered you, request time to collect yourself and do it. Walk away, take some deep breaths, and carefully consider what you’ll say upon your return.
Find physical release. While jogging or other exercise helps, some experts believe that an “anger workout,” such as hitting a mattress with a tennis racket, may be even better for eliminating pent-up feelings
Talk to someone you trust. Working through the roots of your anger with a friend, co-worker or counselor can help you work out problems with a colleague, boss or loved one.
Accept your problem. Don't run away from your anger or internalize it. Acknowledge your feelings. Identify where the problems are. Get professional help if you need it.
Describe how you usually respond when you are angry. Be specific.
Identify alternatives. Generate some constructive solutions to handling the situation without confrontation.
Learn to relax. Take deep breaths and relax your muscles. Breathe in and out very slowly. There is a split second between stimulus and response. That split second is when you decide how to act. That is where you can learn to control your actions.
Evaluate. Determine what works for you and whether you have obtained the outcome you want. Are you willing to learn to manage your anger?
Take an anger management class.
Just a few ideas to try.
First of all , relax down , take a deep breath. Now find out what's disturbing you the most? Is it your lack of sleep? Thinking that everybody hates you? Or your daily heavy routine that is behind your short temper ness. If you have figured it out , then you have taken the very first step.
When you get angry:
1.Take a deep breath from your diaphragm and not from the chest, breathing from chest would not relax you down.
2.Say to yourself "Take it easy" , "Calm down" or "Relax". Repeat these words while breathing deeply.
3.Imagine your beautiful moments of life or a beautiful scenery that relaxes your imagination.
Steps to reduce anger:
1.Take at least seven hours of calm and peaceful sleep in a day , don't play music while sleeping , just let your nerves relax and not suffer the harmful effects of music. Sleep in silence. Sleep at proper timings I-e at night and not till late day.
2.Wake up early in the morning , take a morning walk in the garden, talk to yourself about what you have to do all day.
3.Stop criticism and all negative pessimistic thoughts , stop counting flaws in people.
4.Instead of hate , keep love in your heart and smile.
5.Try tolerating things, don't shout if you are uncomfortable over a point , discuss it peacefully , don't quit neither fall into useless argument.
6.Don't believe yourself always right. "One who considers himself always right is always wrong".
7. Read as many jokes as you can and cherish your friends with these jokes.
8.Learn to manage your life.
9.It is better to change the way you think and perceive things , angry people tend to curse or swear and speak very quickly , it is better if one changes his way of approach , for example , instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
10.Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
11.Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
12.Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
13.Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
14. Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a master, a powerful ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are
If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter trail.
Where does anger come from?
Before we start dealing with management steps , let's see where does anger come from and what are the reasons?
1.When one has some complexes like under estimation or superiority complex etc.
2.When a person is afraid of things in life.
3.When a person cannot make decisions and does not know how to manage things properly.
4.Who believe themselves always right.
5.The more you show your anger , the more you show your ignorance.
Other things you could try...Take five. If someone or something has angered you, request time to collect yourself and do it. Walk away, take some deep breaths, and carefully consider what you’ll say upon your return.
Find physical release. While jogging or other exercise helps, some experts believe that an “anger workout,” such as hitting a mattress with a tennis racket, may be even better for eliminating pent-up feelings
Talk to someone you trust. Working through the roots of your anger with a friend, co-worker or counselor can help you work out problems with a colleague, boss or loved one.
Accept your problem. Don't run away from your anger or internalize it. Acknowledge your feelings. Identify where the problems are. Get professional help if you need it.
Describe how you usually respond when you are angry. Be specific.
Identify alternatives. Generate some constructive solutions to handling the situation without confrontation.
Learn to relax. Take deep breaths and relax your muscles. Breathe in and out very slowly. There is a split second between stimulus and response. That split second is when you decide how to act. That is where you can learn to control your actions.
Evaluate. Determine what works for you and whether you have obtained the outcome you want. Are you willing to learn to manage your anger?
Take an anger management class.
Just a few ideas to try.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
Bluester has more than likely given us all a lesson today on how to deal with anger. Thank you.
Newbeginings: I am so sorry that you are in a bad place. I hope you can work your way out of it. I to have been so angry that I took it out on anything and everyone. I did not like the damage I did to my soul while in this state.
Zoe
Newbeginings: I am so sorry that you are in a bad place. I hope you can work your way out of it. I to have been so angry that I took it out on anything and everyone. I did not like the damage I did to my soul while in this state.
Zoe
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Newbeginnings,
I have only found one true cure for anger and that's forgiveness.
We can learn to manage it, to deal with it in less destructive ways, etc. But until we forgive the person at the root of our anger, it will never truly go away. Your daughter did not become an alcoholic to hurt you. It is in no way a reflection on you. It is not a moral issue and she is not a bad person. I know it feels like going to al-anon and therapy is all her fault, but in reality, it's a way for you to get in touch with yourself and find healthier ways to deal with her problem and your own feelings.
Try forgiving her. You may find that once you do, the anger will start to subside.
Take care,
JG
I have only found one true cure for anger and that's forgiveness.
We can learn to manage it, to deal with it in less destructive ways, etc. But until we forgive the person at the root of our anger, it will never truly go away. Your daughter did not become an alcoholic to hurt you. It is in no way a reflection on you. It is not a moral issue and she is not a bad person. I know it feels like going to al-anon and therapy is all her fault, but in reality, it's a way for you to get in touch with yourself and find healthier ways to deal with her problem and your own feelings.
Try forgiving her. You may find that once you do, the anger will start to subside.
Take care,
JG
Ugh!
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Hey New,
I have some serious issues with anger as well. It seems I tend to have more problems with it when I feel like I should be in control or have expectations that things should be a certain way and they are not.
Dump here, vent here. I like to turn on some music while I'm cleaning the house and scream, yell, cry, that helps me a bit. I agree with Journeygal in that forgiveness is the cure. Also knowledge of the problem seems to help me. Read and above all take care of yourself. Displaced anger solves nothing and only causes you more pain in the long run.
I grew up in a household where there where only two emotions, happy or angry. I unfortunately took that with me and have had to work very hard to distinguish what exactly it is I am feeling. Having a sounding board a therapist, a forum like this, and al-anon hep me. Somedays I'm withdrawn, and those are the days I need most to open up and let some of this stuff go or I do tend to lash out where it is undeserving.
You've recognized this is a problem for you, which means that you are growing, you are doing something about it. Now if everyone could do that wouldn't this world be a happier place?
Big Hugs,
~Faithchaser
I have some serious issues with anger as well. It seems I tend to have more problems with it when I feel like I should be in control or have expectations that things should be a certain way and they are not.
Dump here, vent here. I like to turn on some music while I'm cleaning the house and scream, yell, cry, that helps me a bit. I agree with Journeygal in that forgiveness is the cure. Also knowledge of the problem seems to help me. Read and above all take care of yourself. Displaced anger solves nothing and only causes you more pain in the long run.
I grew up in a household where there where only two emotions, happy or angry. I unfortunately took that with me and have had to work very hard to distinguish what exactly it is I am feeling. Having a sounding board a therapist, a forum like this, and al-anon hep me. Somedays I'm withdrawn, and those are the days I need most to open up and let some of this stuff go or I do tend to lash out where it is undeserving.
You've recognized this is a problem for you, which means that you are growing, you are doing something about it. Now if everyone could do that wouldn't this world be a happier place?
Big Hugs,
~Faithchaser
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near the edge of reality
Posts: 36
Wow, thanks!
You all gave such wonderful actual advice, especially you Bluester, you must have a Ph.D. in anger management. Thank you all so much. I guess I still have a lot of growing and learning. I think that's one of the things I am angry about, I thought I could just coast for the remainder of my time on earth. I thought all the work on me was done. But I guess acceptance and forgiveness like you all have said is where I need to begin. I'm printing out the responses to help get me through my next attack. Today I'm most embarassed over where I dumped it yesterday.
I'm glad I found this place.
Mary
I'm glad I found this place.
Mary
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Please come here to SR to vent, to share lifts part of the anger for me anyway.
None of this is your fault. Just a bummer that we have to adjust, but adjusting seems good. We learn soo much about life and living.
What about genes? Might the daughter have picked up a heavy weakness toward alcoholism?? My feeling is, it makes it harder for recovery, perhaps we are not to try to figure it out, we have enough to do to cope, but I was one that had to dig to know everything. Is there alcoholism back in both sides of her family? It can jump a gereration, etc. I have a quote
"Knowledge is the real healer of everything.for to understand is not only to forgive, but in the end to love."
I can apply my quote in some cases, but I have some I cannot forgive or love, because they are the 'Know it all, judgemental people that have never walked in our shoes. I do realize they are not on the same page, or whatever. and cannot understand, I try to forgive . ( mostly just avoid if poss)
I do wish everyone wld read the AA big book and read some of the stories in the back.
Along with or after reading the books suggested by Al-Anon. (library shd have Big Book of AA)
We are all diff, so take what you can use and leave the rest. only my thoughts here.
It was such a relief for me when I did my 4th and 5th step. I got rid of secrets.
Sayings are just sayings, but one is "We are as sick as the secrets we keep" I found that saying my secrets out loud was a wonderful relief. Has to be a program person we trust to tell. or 5th step Priest or Minister.
Wishing you the best always clancy46
None of this is your fault. Just a bummer that we have to adjust, but adjusting seems good. We learn soo much about life and living.
What about genes? Might the daughter have picked up a heavy weakness toward alcoholism?? My feeling is, it makes it harder for recovery, perhaps we are not to try to figure it out, we have enough to do to cope, but I was one that had to dig to know everything. Is there alcoholism back in both sides of her family? It can jump a gereration, etc. I have a quote
"Knowledge is the real healer of everything.for to understand is not only to forgive, but in the end to love."
I can apply my quote in some cases, but I have some I cannot forgive or love, because they are the 'Know it all, judgemental people that have never walked in our shoes. I do realize they are not on the same page, or whatever. and cannot understand, I try to forgive . ( mostly just avoid if poss)
I do wish everyone wld read the AA big book and read some of the stories in the back.
Along with or after reading the books suggested by Al-Anon. (library shd have Big Book of AA)
We are all diff, so take what you can use and leave the rest. only my thoughts here.
It was such a relief for me when I did my 4th and 5th step. I got rid of secrets.
Sayings are just sayings, but one is "We are as sick as the secrets we keep" I found that saying my secrets out loud was a wonderful relief. Has to be a program person we trust to tell. or 5th step Priest or Minister.
Wishing you the best always clancy46
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