How Do You Deal With Past Infidelity?

Old 02-25-2005, 05:14 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
 
harleygirl92156's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
How Do You Deal With Past Infidelity?

My husband confessed to infidelity shortly after he got out of treatment. I knew he had cheated, but to actually hear it from him was devestating.

My questions is how do you deal with it? I want to stay in the relationship, but right now I don't feel I am good from his sobriety because I am so upset. Do I stay while I work it out or do I remove myself so he doesn't have to suffer along with me. Last night at an AA - Al anon meeting, we walked in and he immediately sat down away from everyone else with a women in the group and talked to her until the meeting started, they sat together during the meeting. She rides to meetings with him because she can't drive, there are others with them, they aren't alone.

I was SSOOOOOO jealous. I wouldn't talk to him after the meeting and haven't told him what is wrong. I told him it was MY problem and I didn't want to talk about it. I don't know it this is right, but it is MY problem and I don't feel I should dump it on him.

How do I get over the infidelity and jealousy? Do I just give him BLIND trust and move on like it didn't happen? He says it is ok if we talk about the infidelity right now, but he isn't going to talk about it much longer. He wants it put behind us and that I need to let it go. I am not doing well with this and feel I need to move on but am stuck.
Any suggestions?
harleygirl92156 is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 05:22 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
minnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hon, I don't know how to answer that question, because infidelity is a deal-breaker for me. Happens once and I would be gone. No excuses.

Hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Love

Minnie
xxx
minnie is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 05:29 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
EndOfRoadWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
You said that you knew he cheated..If you knew he cheated, how were you dealing with it then?
EndOfRoadWife is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 05:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
splendra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I can totally understand why you are stuck...Infidelity is very difficult to get over. Trust is even harder to regain..

It is real easy to want to get into a controling mode. But, you deserve to have accountability from him. I really don't want to make too many suggestions here because I know it could stir the pot more.

But, I think I would have a really hard time with him being friends with women in AA....I think that he is asking for more trouble. Who is going to step in and say something? Are you depending on AA to do it? No honey they won't they might make suggestions that men hang with the men and women hang with the women but, they don't make anyone do anything......

You need to have a talk with him for sure. By not saying anything you are condoning his behavior. A man who has just confessed to infidelity and is now making new female friends is parading something you need to be paying attention to right in front of your eyes.

Ask yourself these questions: Are normally a jealous person without any reason? Do you get jealous because of his behavior?
splendra is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 05:37 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 48
I can certainly relate to you. My AH had an affair that I found out about in December. It was with someone in AA (he has been in recovery and sober for 2 1/2 years). At the initial shock...I kicked him out of the house. He came back home a very short time later. When he came home he gave his promise that the relationship was completely over and that he wanted desparately to work on our marriage. I gave no promises. I will say that initially, he said that we could talk about the affair, but then when I would bring something up he would say that he was tired of dwelling on it and was sorry but that he couldn't change the past. I'm not sure what happened inside of him, however, within the past few weeks he is very open and honest when I question him about the affair and his actions have certainly shown to me that the affair is over and that he is dedicated to our marraige. We communicate now better than we have in our entire 10 years together. I definately see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. I knew that he had to continue to go to AA meetings and at first that was very difficult on me because I figured she would be at the meetings. He has changed his meeting schedule so that the chances are slimmer that he will run into her. I am slowly but surely regaining trust. But HIS actions have made that possible for me. I don't think that I will ever forget the pain and devastation of finding out about his affair. The pain was raw!!! I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I, too, always thought that an affair would be a deal breaker for me, but until you are in the situation yourself, it's hard to see how you would react. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I'm always here to listen! Just focus on yourself and your recovery....it's the only way to survive in my opinion. I have definately started going to more meetings to help to keep my sanity!
stilltrying is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 05:38 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
dax
Member
 
dax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
The only way you can deal with infidelity is that the cheater has to be an open book to you from now on to buildd your trust. Thay menas no secret email acounts and telling you where he is and with whom at all times. It is crap to say this is not your problem. In fact his actions show you have a big problem. He is sharing and driving AA women around. Hey most of these women are single from the faimly devestation their drinking caused.- theyoften have already wreaked one family. AA tells you not to share much with the opposite sex but few lisen. My husband never cheated while drinking- he has a long time[0ver 9 years} affair with a AA ho. Over 2 years sexual- the rest best friends leaving me at home thinging he was just going to all those meetrings to stay sober.
You will never be able to giv e him blind trust. In fact if he continues to interact with these women, He will most likely cheat again. You need to going to www.survivinginfidelity.com for the best support. Some alanoners here will tell you to let go and let God. Well only if you want to be cheated on again. Of course the cheater wants to forget and move on. He needs to come clean and be an open book. He is not doing this. To sit with her when you are at a meeting together is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dax
dax is offline  
Old 02-25-2005, 06:04 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Searching and tripping
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Something they taught us when my ah went to rehab. I needed to learn to forgive and forget and he needed to learn to forgive and not forget. Sounds as if he's progressing. It's not an easy thing to dismiss. It took me quiet a few years.

Blessings
gelfling is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:30 AM.