FormerDoormat

Yesterday when I picked up my AB from work he was drunk. Not a little drunk. A lot drunk. It was a familiar scenario. I called his office before I left work to tell him I'd be there in 15 minutes, but I received no answer. That usually means he's too drunk to answer the phone. Now normally, I begin stressing the moment he fails to pick up the phone because I'm afraid of what I might find when I arrive at his office, and with good reason. He's often passed out in his chair, mouth open, drooling all over the place, pants unzipped, and unresponsive. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. One drunken scenario included me finding him unconscious on the floor with two huge hematomas (blood collections under the skin) the size of tennis balls on his face, his glasses broken, his hand bloodied, and the wall spattered with blood. I guess that day he'd blacked out and hit his head on the corner of the desk and nearly did himself in. We spent that evening in the emergency room.

So you can imagine why an unanswered phone is normally so stressful for me. But these days, as my boyfriend is packing to leave, I've really taken the phrase "let go and let God" to heart. So yesterday, I decided that I was not going to worry about what I might find. I would just accept life on life's terms, and if that meant I might find my AB drunk or hurt, then so be it, it was out of my control. So I drove to his office without one worry over what I might find. It was not a stressful drive. It was a peaceful drive.

When I arrived there, I pulled around to the back of the building so I could see him through the big picture window in his office. He was slumped in his chair and obviously drunk. So I honked the horn to let him know I had arrived and I drove to the front of the building and waited for him to lock the place, set the alarm, and come out the front door. But yesterday was different, I decided not to enable him in any way. If this meant not leaping out of the car and helping him when I saw him struggling down the hall to let him lean on me and not responding if he fell coming down the concrete steps (something he's done frequently), then so be it.

So I watched him struggle down the hall, set the alarm, turn off the light, and repeatedly drop his backpack. He'd drop it, bend over to pick it up, and stand up again, only to lose his balance and repeat this maneuver over and over again. I did not react. I simply watched from inside the car.

When he closed the front door, I could see that he was about to stumble down the concrete stairs. They're hard for even a sober person to maneuver, as they have no handrails. They're nearly impossible for a drunk to maneuver. Well, he let go of the door, turned around, and began to sway. Did I jump out of the car and rush to his aid and steady him like I normally do? Nope. I stayed in the car and patiently watched. I wanted him to feel the full effects of his drunkeness.

He not only tumbled down the stairs, he landed in the bushes. I simply stayed in the car and watched him struggle to get back on his feet. This took a few minutes. Now normally a scenario like this would end in me screaming at the top of my lungs and telling him what a loser he is. But yesterday was different. You see, I had decided to let go and let God.

When he got in the car, I kissed him on the cheek and said, "how was your day?" And then I drove him home as if nothing happened. Now to make a long story short, what do you think happened this morning in the car on the way to work?

He said, "I've decided that I need help, that I'm powerless over alcohol, and I don't want to live like this anymore. So tonight I'm going to an AA meeting and I'm going to find my own way there. You don't have to take me. I need to do this on my own." And that's where he is.

Well, Hallelujah! Letting go and letting God was truly the way to go. I don't know if he'll be able to reach sobriety or not, but that's no longer my concern. I'll just say a prayer and ask my HP to look after him.

This Saturday he'll be moving out of my house. I hope when I say goodbye to him and watch him drive away that the road he chooses is the road to recovery.

brightlight

That is just amazing!

minnie

FD

Brilliant!! A fantastic example of recovery in action and also an example of how As WILL get help when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

I hope that he does find recovery - it may take a few more stumbles down steps, but he is certainly on his way.

I am lost for words to describe how proud I am of you. I know that you will handle this weekend as you need to.

You're a star.

Love

Minnie
xx

gelfling

Dear Former,

You show that it can be done. You're an awesome woman with courage and strength. I pray that you will continue to be strong and will keep dumping it all in God's lap. He doesn't mind.

FormerDoormat

No, he works for a large company. I work odd hours (10 am to 7 pm), so he has several hours to kill while he waits for me to pick him up. All his coworkers leave at around 5:00 pm. This is how he can get repeatedly drunk at work without his coworkers' knowledge.

He began drinking at work about six months ago when I set a boundary. I told him that I deserved a sober partner and it was unacceptable for him to drink in my home or be drunk around my teenage daughter, and if he broke this boundary that he would be spending his day/night (whichever it may be) in a hotel room. I guess he knew I meant it, because he started getting drunk at work instead.

Magichappens

Good job. We worry so much about them getting hurt. They seem to take it in stride. It seems to take ALOT of pain for them to wake up. It's really hard to stand back and not try to intercede. You have grown so much. What an inspiration. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

Forgive me for laughing at the site of him dropping his bag over and over and stumbling down the steps. It reminds me so much of the sloppy things my AH has done.

I'm proud of you for letting go and letting God. It's amazing how, when we let go they start to see their own weakness. (Now, if only my AH would do that same.) Hopefully, your AB is beginning his road to recovery.

You are a very strong person. You can and you will get through this. Stick to your boundaries, as I know you will.

(((((formerdoormat))))

wraybear

WOW! that is another example of such a "simple" way to handle all these situations we find ourselves in, and yet it seems so difficult for some of us at times to take this simple approach. But, when we do, we know deep in our hearts, that it was the right thing for us to do... and, the peace that we feel when we do these simple things is SOOOOOO worth it.

I hope we all can take this "simple" path with our addicts today.

I remember when I first started getting healthier, i decided to stop trying to get him up so he could eat dinner with the family. I stopped taking a plate into the bedroom for him so he would have some food. I simply told him if he wanted to eat he could come and join us, period. I didn't get angry, i just made a simple statement and spent the rest of the evening with the kiddos playing games, doing homework, etc and simply stopped being concerned with the drunk in the bedroom.

The peace that came over me and my kiddos was SOOOO worth this simple little decision. The bonus was, within a couple weeks, he said the same thing "I can't live like this anymore" and went to his first rehab center.

Sometimes we feel/think we MUST do something BIG to make changes in our own lives for our own sanity... but it is these little baby steps that get us on the right path.

Also, i know we all struggle with them hurting themselves. And how will we handle the guilt of not helping them prevent an accident. But, we must remember, they are adults, and they got themselves in this situation. It isn't our job to keep protecting them.

Hip hip hooray for you! Thanks so much for sharing this story. It is such a great reminder of how baby steps can make peace in our lives.