maggie1958

I've been seeing a guy for right at a year now...most of the time things have been good...the last few months not so good..and now I'm starting to understand why. He told me right up front that he was a A...but he had been in clean for over 3 years with no desire to go back. He is 58 and I am 46, we live about hour and half from each other and our jobs make seeing each other hard sometimes. Usually we would spend Sat. night and Sundays together. He spent a couple weeks in Flordia in Oct. with his brother and it has been downhill from there. He told me before he went his brother drinks alot but that he could handle it. Ever since he has been back things have been strained but I didn't see it until last weekend. I drove up to see him, he got off work around 5:30 and I got there a little before 6, to make a long story short by 7 he was passed out, I found a drink in his bathroom, not looking but out in the open, I tried to talk to him them but of course that was useless. I stayed the night, didn't feel like the drive back home and hoped we could talk next morning, that didn't happen either. I left that morning and he has cut all contact with me, said we need time to think and be alone. I know if I was smart I would just walk away, but I really care for this guy and it's killing me to let go. I know in my head it has to be his decision to change, and I don't even know what is going on, I had suspected drinking a couple times but did not say anything wanting to think I was wrong, and of course there have been some last minute change of plans to be together...it's all coming together for me now. Any advice? How do I get over this or do I try to help...but how can I if he won't talk? Reading some of this stuff my head tells me to run and not look back...but my heart aches for the guy I met and fell for.

wraybear

Maggie, sounds like you know what you need to do. Most addicts will only get help when they are ready. We try to force them to be ready and that just simply doesn't work. We wish their love for us would motivate them to get well. We wish their love for their children would motivate them to get well. We wish these good smart men would do the right thing. But, when active, the only thing they know how to do in the insanity of this disease is to figure out how they are going to get their next drink even if it means lying or cheating their family. You could tell him in a loving way how much you love him, but you won't date an active A and if and when he decides to stay sober, then he can contact you. There really is nothing you can do to help him - that is what is so sad about addiction.

I wish you peace soon.

maggie1958

Thanks so much wraybear! I do have to ask, do they love us? Do they love their children? And yes he is a good smart man..with so much to offer. I guess that is what is killing me right now...I had that man for a while...and loved him very much. Should I have said something when I first suspected he was drinking again...was I wrong to hide my head in the sand...would it have made a difference? Is there anything I can do to make a difference. I know I'm grabbing at straws in a sense. I ust don't understand how someone who had so much can do this? Is that typical? Is he doing me a favor not staying in contact with me or is it just a way for him to drink in peace? Can I believe him that he did care about me or was it all just a lie? I have so many questions and no one to ask. I feel so alone in this. I would love to hear from anyone that has a guess what is going on. Thanks so much for being there!

ahcb

Maggie,

I dont think it is a case of "hiding your head in the sand" it is simply looking for the best in a person. That is a good thing. An alcoholic is very frustrating. You will here stories here that will get you upset and angry. Spouses being down right mean to their family and children etc. In an odd way, that is almost easier to deal with. If you know someone is like that it makes the decision clearer. (doesnt mean we make the right one)

Its the alcoholic who is everything you want in a spouse BUT is also a drunk that is tough. Did this man care for you? Why doubt that? An alcoholic can love as well as anyone. My spouse told me that the easiest way of dealing with the problem was simply by not dealing with it. I was informed later that she also thought I had the problem. If I could just shut up about her drinking there would be no problem.I still laugh over that.

My Point is that perhaps he is just dealing with his problem in the easiest way, and that is by not dealing with it. By extenision, that may also mean not dealing with you. Most of us here are married and live with our alcoholics, active or recovering so that option is not available to them. I have no doubt that if it was, many would take it.

It also takes time to deal with the fact that there is nothing you can do that will change his behavior. You love someone so you hope that you have influence and at the time it appears they need you the most, but we dont.

Perhaps this is a situation that must play itself out a while longer. You are fortunate that you are able to live on your own with your own resources. Many here dont have that. I never doubted my spouse loved me,I also never doubted she was an alcoholic. The problem? Alcoholics make lousy spouses, lovers and friends...

cwohio

maggie - don't beat yourself up - we all have asked or still ask those same questions. there are no easy answers except that HE is the only one that can do anything about it. ahcb made some great points in his post.

read all you can here and read posts here and on some of the other subjects (alcohol, etc.) so you know more of what you are dealing with IF you decide to get reinvolved.

hugs - chris

maggie1958

You guys are great! Thank you all so much! I hope you all know how much this place helps. I have been reading and thinking and questioning if I do want to get reinvolved. I guess I will know that when the time comes, I just pray that God will give me the courage to do what is best for me...as well as him. This has also woke me up to something else...and I can't believe I hadn't looked at it this way before today. My exhusband had a drinking and smoking pot problem for most of the years we were married. Of course he never saw it as a problem...just something he liked to do..and yes there was a time I joined him...but with 3 kids I saw a time to grow up...he didn't. We were married young (16 and 18) and had our first child within 6 months. We were together for 16 and half years before I asked him to leave. He was never physically abusive to me...and in his mind he thought he was a good father...yeah right! It finally got to the point I didn't want my kids thinking this was what marriage was...that was my breaking point. There were other women..and even a child...and yet I tried to make things work. I didn't work...had no income..didn't want to go back to mom and dad..so I got a job..started getting credit established..opened my own checking account...little things before he moved out. We lived in a dumpy run down trailer. The year after he move out I built a house through FmHA..the payment were federally subsidized so I could afford them. My youngest child was diagosed to have learning problems when he started school. I have had my share of challenges but 13 years later it has paid off for the most part. My oldest daughter has disowned all her family...that has been hard to take..but I have learned to deal with it. My middle daughter is a computer engineer and doing very well. My son has quite a few learning problems but is a wonderful son. My ex is now clean..and somewhat of a decent dad to his kids. This has taken 13 years. I never thought I would ever concider getting into a relationship with someone knowing they have drinking problem. I do care about this man very much but I don't want to feel about his like I do my ex..I honestly have no feelings for him at this point...I don't love, hate, like, dislike him at all...he is the father of my children that is it. I don't know what I will do if I hear from my AB again. I would like to know he is ok...and he is in recovery...but I don't know if I can go down that path again. Reading these posts are helping me to see that. Brings up old feelings I had put in the past...maybe I put them too far in the past. I am seeing that I have nothing to do with his behavior..it's all up to him. My only decision will be if I can live with it. Thank you all you wonderful people. I don't know what made me look for this place..but so glad I found it!

wraybear

Maggie, these things you say, make it seem as if you have been in Alanon or visiting this sight for a very long time. I so much admire you for everything you have accomplished in your life, without your AH.

The first sentence and the last sentence of your above quotes are you answers in this.

God will give you the courage, he has done it before and will do it again - and your only decision is can you live with it?

Thank you for your post. This is so encouraging to see how a woman with three children accomplished so much!

Take care, and hope you find peace with this situation very soon.

maggie1958

Wraybrear, Thanks so much...and to all of you. And no I had never been to Alanon or visited this site before this week. I was just looking for answers on google and this site came up, I guess God does lead us to what we need, and it's up to us to take hold of it. So glad I did, you have all been a wonderful help to me. Just reading and talking to you, makes me think...and that is what I need to do right now...think. As for what I have accomplished in my life. I only did what had to be done, don't think it was anything special, I think we all do what is best for our kids, we put ourselves in this...they didn't. As for God giving me the courage before, he did...but I had a hard time accepting it from him then. About 6 years ago I had a serious heart problem, on my way to the hospital I remember crying out to God...please don't let me die, I don't want their dad raising them. I remember that so well..but yet I never accepted God even at that time...wasn't until about 3 years ago that I finally allowed myself to trust him. That has been a big help to me, even as much as I am hurting now, it helps. I checked my email just before I came on this site this morning...I had a small email from my AB...just saying he was home from work..that he is doing fine now. He hopes that me and my son are fine...and to take care and be safe. I sent him a short response back that I was coping with things...and that I am glad he is doing fine, that I want the best for him. I don't know what I am going to do..I am very torn right now...but I'm going to church this morning...and will spend the day with my son and my family. Thank you so much....you are wonderful people...I wish you all the love and peace you deserve.
maggie

cwohio

(((maggie))) - you are an inspiration and a strong woman - our hp will watch over you and guide you.

maggie1958

Just wanted to let you know I talked online to by AB tonight. Good news he is back in AA...wants to get his life back together....but not with me...says he wants to be friends but that is it. I know I should breathe a sigh of relief...but it hurts so much right now. Said he drank the last two weekends and he knows better...I am glad he is getting back on track...he is a good man....any suggestions for getting over him? I would like to be a friend to him but I don't know if I can right now...and the thing is he wants to "find a wife...thinks that is what is lacking in him life" and his lack of commiment to me has been our biggest issue up to the drinking. Just needed to vent....thanks guys!