any spare resolve anyone?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
any spare resolve anyone?
As some may know - I've asked my AH to leave twice before, and both times he's come back with the I'm quitting drinking line, and I bought it. Then I told him it's not working, and we needed to talk. He wanted to do it through email - don't think he's capable of a face to face grown up conversation. SO,
I sent him an email 4 days ago - no response. Called him 2 days ago and said "are you going to respond?" and he said "yeah, probably today"... Yep, still no response. In my email, I was clear - he needs to leave this week, we can work out details and visitation later, I'll try to accomodate what he needs financially, but he needs to go now.
Meanwhile, he is just coming home every day (no telling where he's been since he doesn't have a job) and just acting like everything is normal. He's been working on projects for the house, pseudo trying to hide the fact he's drinking, attempting to strike up conversations...I'm just in awe. Could he really think that he is going to just keep this up and wear down my resolve to force him to leave? Has anyone else been in this situation where they wont leave and wont even talk about it? I feel like I am in constant limbo and a prisoner in my own house. We have 2 small children, so we can't discuss this at nights because I'm afraid he'll lose his temper and yell...he's not violent, but very imposing because he's so loud. He doesn't scare me, but would surely scare the kids. So, do I just get to sit around and wait for some day when he decides to respond? I just don't get it...I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I am closing our bank account and opening my own. I'm also closing our joint credit card. I guess my only next step is to get an attorney and force the issue. I guess I'm nieve, but I've really never interacted with someone who just refuses to acknowledge something very drastic is about to occur... like an ostrich with his head in the sand. Very bizarre...
I sent him an email 4 days ago - no response. Called him 2 days ago and said "are you going to respond?" and he said "yeah, probably today"... Yep, still no response. In my email, I was clear - he needs to leave this week, we can work out details and visitation later, I'll try to accomodate what he needs financially, but he needs to go now.
Meanwhile, he is just coming home every day (no telling where he's been since he doesn't have a job) and just acting like everything is normal. He's been working on projects for the house, pseudo trying to hide the fact he's drinking, attempting to strike up conversations...I'm just in awe. Could he really think that he is going to just keep this up and wear down my resolve to force him to leave? Has anyone else been in this situation where they wont leave and wont even talk about it? I feel like I am in constant limbo and a prisoner in my own house. We have 2 small children, so we can't discuss this at nights because I'm afraid he'll lose his temper and yell...he's not violent, but very imposing because he's so loud. He doesn't scare me, but would surely scare the kids. So, do I just get to sit around and wait for some day when he decides to respond? I just don't get it...I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I am closing our bank account and opening my own. I'm also closing our joint credit card. I guess my only next step is to get an attorney and force the issue. I guess I'm nieve, but I've really never interacted with someone who just refuses to acknowledge something very drastic is about to occur... like an ostrich with his head in the sand. Very bizarre...
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Peaches, I will suggest this.
If it's possible, find some time to talk with him about what you want to do.
Some time when the kids aren't around, if you are afraid he will get loud and upset them.
I truly don't think things like this can be resolved through email.
This is the second thread I've read here in SR today about people trying to end relationships via email.
Maybe I just don't get it.
Maybe I'm still old world enough to believe that ending a relationship takes more than words on a screen.
Just my two cents Peaches, you should do whatever feels right for you.
If it's possible, find some time to talk with him about what you want to do.
Some time when the kids aren't around, if you are afraid he will get loud and upset them.
I truly don't think things like this can be resolved through email.
This is the second thread I've read here in SR today about people trying to end relationships via email.
Maybe I just don't get it.
Maybe I'm still old world enough to believe that ending a relationship takes more than words on a screen.
Just my two cents Peaches, you should do whatever feels right for you.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Peaches.
Just wanted to give you some support. I hope you find your resolve can hold out. I am sure it is very hard, but you sound pretty sure of your decision.
Although I was lucky and my AH left relatively quickly when I asked him to, my best friend's husband didn't. He acted a lot like you are describing, kind of refusing to face the issue or talk about it. He'd say 'you want me out, I'll go' and then never really go. He'd say he was looking for a job but later we found out he wasn't. He'd say he was waiting til after the holidays, then they came and went and still he was there. He even said goodbye to the neighbors but then didn't leave. All I can say is denial can be incredibly powerful I guess.
My friends husband has finally gotten out a few weeks ago, and even then he found a place he could only stay in for a week. I guess he just couldn't accept he was not going to be able to manipulate his way back in.
I hope you are able to move things along the best way you need to. I think the bank account and credit card are great steps, I felt great when I took care of those.
Don't spend too much brainpower or wondering how he is perceiving this whole situation. I have found figuring out their minds to be like banging my head against the wall.
Just wanted to give you some support. I hope you find your resolve can hold out. I am sure it is very hard, but you sound pretty sure of your decision.
Although I was lucky and my AH left relatively quickly when I asked him to, my best friend's husband didn't. He acted a lot like you are describing, kind of refusing to face the issue or talk about it. He'd say 'you want me out, I'll go' and then never really go. He'd say he was looking for a job but later we found out he wasn't. He'd say he was waiting til after the holidays, then they came and went and still he was there. He even said goodbye to the neighbors but then didn't leave. All I can say is denial can be incredibly powerful I guess.
My friends husband has finally gotten out a few weeks ago, and even then he found a place he could only stay in for a week. I guess he just couldn't accept he was not going to be able to manipulate his way back in.
I hope you are able to move things along the best way you need to. I think the bank account and credit card are great steps, I felt great when I took care of those.
Don't spend too much brainpower or wondering how he is perceiving this whole situation. I have found figuring out their minds to be like banging my head against the wall.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Gabe, my darling...I couldn't agree with you more about the email business. I was quite taken aback that he asked to do it that way, but didn't know what else to do. I felt I would be controlling saying "no, we have to discuss this face to face". And I did try and bring it up to him when I asked the second time face to face and he just said that he'll have to respond to the email. I can't figure out if this is a trick to buy time so he doesn't have to leave so soon? I don't get the game.
I guess the only reason I do not feel so bad about doing this via emai, is that this has been going on for a year now - we've done marriage counseling, I've written him letters, sat down with him and cried my eyes out explaining what he was doing, attempted to negotiate solutions with him...we've done it ALL. so, I feel like I'm at the point where there really is nothing left to say other than "It's over and go" if that makes sense. I would still prefer to do it face to face, but I can't force him to do it. I think this is just another one of his subtle manipulations which accomplishes many goals: 1. To give me the impression that this is so low on his priority list that he will respond when he has time. 2. He thinks if he doesn't answer and he holds out long enough, we'll begin to act as we always have and things will fall back into the normal family life again and I will lose my resolve to do this because it wont be bad. 3. He has really lost all dignity and integrity and is holding on to leech off me as much as he can until I have to pay to have him legally removed (if that's possible).
I saw the prior email from Kelly talking about this same issue, and I so related to that because I am in the same boat, or sinking ship as the case may be!
I guess the only reason I do not feel so bad about doing this via emai, is that this has been going on for a year now - we've done marriage counseling, I've written him letters, sat down with him and cried my eyes out explaining what he was doing, attempted to negotiate solutions with him...we've done it ALL. so, I feel like I'm at the point where there really is nothing left to say other than "It's over and go" if that makes sense. I would still prefer to do it face to face, but I can't force him to do it. I think this is just another one of his subtle manipulations which accomplishes many goals: 1. To give me the impression that this is so low on his priority list that he will respond when he has time. 2. He thinks if he doesn't answer and he holds out long enough, we'll begin to act as we always have and things will fall back into the normal family life again and I will lose my resolve to do this because it wont be bad. 3. He has really lost all dignity and integrity and is holding on to leech off me as much as he can until I have to pay to have him legally removed (if that's possible).
I saw the prior email from Kelly talking about this same issue, and I so related to that because I am in the same boat, or sinking ship as the case may be!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks JessieandMe - He has family he can stay with too, so it's not like I'm kicking him out homeless. It's just driving me crazy because I am so uncomfortable the minute he gets home... I'm sure the kids can tell. I try, but I am not that good of an actress. And not to sound like a broken record, but gosh - be a man - own up to the fact you have ruined this family and at the very least do what you can to make it an easy transisiton. This must be a test from my HP to see how far i am willing to go to make this insanity stop. I hope I don't fail him.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Peaches, you have indeed done it all. After what you have attempted to do in "real time"...a sticky note on the fridge would suffice. I'll go cliche here and say that you can only own what's on your side of the street. His side is up to him.
Big hugs to you, and while I'm a little short on resolve right now...
just as soon as I gas up...I will send some your way.
Stay strong and do what's right for you and your kids.
Big hugs to you, and while I'm a little short on resolve right now...
just as soon as I gas up...I will send some your way.
Stay strong and do what's right for you and your kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Tomorrow is my
ABF day to move. He has not packed a thing. He has not changed is routine one iota. He sleeps until 9 or so. Gets coffee, watches wretched drama on TV-Maury followed by Jerry Springer. Gets ready for work. Takes the trash out (the ONLY thing he does around here) and leaves around noon.
He gets back at 11 or so, he's already had something to drink and will be carrying one of those big bottles of beer-24 oz? 32 oz? - I just know they are large. He will then watch TV till around midnight and go to bed.
He does not aknowlege at all that he is supposed to be gone before the weekend. Like you, I think he thinks this will "blow over" and that somehow he'll manipulate me. To me it's just another example of he does not hear me.
He gets back at 11 or so, he's already had something to drink and will be carrying one of those big bottles of beer-24 oz? 32 oz? - I just know they are large. He will then watch TV till around midnight and go to bed.
He does not aknowlege at all that he is supposed to be gone before the weekend. Like you, I think he thinks this will "blow over" and that somehow he'll manipulate me. To me it's just another example of he does not hear me.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
Oh WOW
Yours is doing just what mine did, but mine quit drinking. I didnt think this happen to anyone else.
I told my AH I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to move out. He said he was going to do THE NEXT RIGHT THING. He quit drinking (too late).
He would come home and just sit and watch TV, eat dinner and go to bed.
We continued to sleep in the same bed, me on 2 inches on 1 side him on 4 inches on the other. I swear 2 kids could have sleept with us with no problem.
I ignored him on a daily bases, just acted like he did not exist. No talking to him. Only thing I talked to him about was divorce, spliting stuff up and him moving out. He always said he was doing the next right thing. He went thru the right step program after being sober several weeks.
About 6 months into all this he left for a week to go visit his family. When he got back I told him he is not sleeping in my bed any longer, he said yes he was, and he did go to bed before me so he did. I took blankets and sleept in my kids room. I did this for 3 nites. After 3 nites he moved out. Darn, why didnt I do that sooner.
Will this help you, I dont know..........................
Your are in Texas, from what I understand if you leave then you are abanding the house and you could loose it for a while, so dont leave, get him to.
I was to the point that I was filing for divorce and I was going to have him removed thru the courts.
I told my AH I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to move out. He said he was going to do THE NEXT RIGHT THING. He quit drinking (too late).
He would come home and just sit and watch TV, eat dinner and go to bed.
We continued to sleep in the same bed, me on 2 inches on 1 side him on 4 inches on the other. I swear 2 kids could have sleept with us with no problem.
I ignored him on a daily bases, just acted like he did not exist. No talking to him. Only thing I talked to him about was divorce, spliting stuff up and him moving out. He always said he was doing the next right thing. He went thru the right step program after being sober several weeks.
About 6 months into all this he left for a week to go visit his family. When he got back I told him he is not sleeping in my bed any longer, he said yes he was, and he did go to bed before me so he did. I took blankets and sleept in my kids room. I did this for 3 nites. After 3 nites he moved out. Darn, why didnt I do that sooner.
Will this help you, I dont know..........................
Your are in Texas, from what I understand if you leave then you are abanding the house and you could loose it for a while, so dont leave, get him to.
I was to the point that I was filing for divorce and I was going to have him removed thru the courts.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hey, Peaches, I've got a little bit of resolve to spare if you need to borrow it. I might need it back in a couple of weeks, though! lol.
You know, I think you've got plenty of your own to get through this. You're a strong lady, with a great support network around to lean on if you need to. Whilst it might not seem it at the moment, you would need far more inner strength to stay in this marriage.
We've spoken about this before, but I'll say it again for everyone else to read. When I decided to split up with my A fiancé in December, I asked him to leave. Luckily for me, he did move out with 10 days, but only because he had it in his mind that this was a temporary situation. I can honestly say that this delusion did not come from me - I was perfectly clear what the score was.
When I went to my counsellor during the 10 days when I thought he wasn't leaving, he made a very interesting point which has changed the way I deal with my ex. I was making a decision about MY life, then expecting HIM to carry it out. What was I thinking? If I want to change my life, I need to do it. I am not saying that any of us need to leave our homes, but to expect an A to leave just because we say so is just asking for trouble. Involve lawyers if you need to, involve the police, whatever it takes. But please don't expect them to carry out your wishes.
Good luck, Peaches and everyone else is this situation.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You know, I think you've got plenty of your own to get through this. You're a strong lady, with a great support network around to lean on if you need to. Whilst it might not seem it at the moment, you would need far more inner strength to stay in this marriage.
We've spoken about this before, but I'll say it again for everyone else to read. When I decided to split up with my A fiancé in December, I asked him to leave. Luckily for me, he did move out with 10 days, but only because he had it in his mind that this was a temporary situation. I can honestly say that this delusion did not come from me - I was perfectly clear what the score was.
When I went to my counsellor during the 10 days when I thought he wasn't leaving, he made a very interesting point which has changed the way I deal with my ex. I was making a decision about MY life, then expecting HIM to carry it out. What was I thinking? If I want to change my life, I need to do it. I am not saying that any of us need to leave our homes, but to expect an A to leave just because we say so is just asking for trouble. Involve lawyers if you need to, involve the police, whatever it takes. But please don't expect them to carry out your wishes.
Good luck, Peaches and everyone else is this situation.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lancaster
Posts: 120
My ex husband and I had problems for most of our marriage - it was a mistake from the start but I was pregnant and I thought it was best for my child to be married. Well things just got worse and I knew I had to get out. I kicked my husband out and he left - he stayed at a hotel for a few days, with some friends and then with his mother (the wicked witch of the west, east, north & south). Well after he was there for a couple of weeks she decided she didn't want him either and she convinced him that since his name is on the house too (even though I paid the entire mortgage, myself) he has every right to be there. So when my son and I got back from vacation he was there and would not leave. That lasted about 2 weeks and there was just to much drama and it was effecting my son so I left the house that I loved and me and my son moved in with a friend until we could get our own place. It was hard leaving because I loved my house and I worked very hard to get that house but it was worth losing just to get out of the day to day drama. Plus my son is doing great now, he is well adjusted, does well in school and is just a happy kid. Had I stayed in the house and had to deal with my ex I know my son would be much worse off.
So I don't know all the details of your situation but maybe you leaving would be an option.
Either way good luck with whatever you do.
So I don't know all the details of your situation but maybe you leaving would be an option.
Either way good luck with whatever you do.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((Peaches))
I know how hard you have worked on your recovery. I remember where you came from, and you have come so far. It is very painful to realize that you are moving up and out of the disease and others aren't. You have my utmost support and care through this difficult time. I don't have any answers how to keep an ending neat. I haven't seen one yet that was. Just know that I recognize the depth of your pain and know that together we are strong enough to get through it. Hugs, Magic
I know how hard you have worked on your recovery. I remember where you came from, and you have come so far. It is very painful to realize that you are moving up and out of the disease and others aren't. You have my utmost support and care through this difficult time. I don't have any answers how to keep an ending neat. I haven't seen one yet that was. Just know that I recognize the depth of your pain and know that together we are strong enough to get through it. Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thank you everyone! MyselfAgain - that is my situation almost to the tee! Although, I run to my bedroom after the kids are tucked in and shut the door, so he at least has the common courtesy to not think he is going to sleep in the same bed as me! And you are right about TX... it is abandonment to leave, so I will not do that. I already have the name of an attorney, so I guess I'll have to go that route. I have been doing just what you said, just barely even acknowledging his presence - I mean, what is there to say really? How was your day? Did the newspaper have some interesting tidbits today? Is your beer cold enough?? Argh!! Oh well, this too shall pass. I think Minnie is dead on about me making the decision, and expecting him to take action. I will have to take the first step - the second and third too probably - but, whatever. Benefits... I'm with you on the house thing... we (and when I say "we", I mean ME) built this house 2 years ago...I love it. But, I would sell it and everything in it to have a better life for me and my precious babies!! You did the right thing!
(((Magic)))) - thank you for your kind words, as always! Today is a good day, and yesterday was too... I feel like I'll be having a lot more of these!
(((Magic)))) - thank you for your kind words, as always! Today is a good day, and yesterday was too... I feel like I'll be having a lot more of these!
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Peaches,
My thoughts are with you today and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I don't have anything specific to offer as I didn't have an AH, I had an ABF who wouldn't leave but it was much easier b/c there was nothing legal tying us together.
I have said a prayer for you today. Asking that HP help you through today and give you the strenght you need. I know you will make it to the other side, sanity intact.
Wishing you all the good things you deserve,
Petunia
My thoughts are with you today and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I don't have anything specific to offer as I didn't have an AH, I had an ABF who wouldn't leave but it was much easier b/c there was nothing legal tying us together.
I have said a prayer for you today. Asking that HP help you through today and give you the strenght you need. I know you will make it to the other side, sanity intact.
Wishing you all the good things you deserve,
Petunia
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Oh Peaches you are such a strong determined person and I admire you so much for being able to know what is best for you and your kiddos. You have made up your mind and are sticking to it, I think he is desperatly trying to hang onto anything thinking if he buys more time it will all pass!!! Good for you to stand strong!!!
Mindi
Mindi
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
When I knew in my heart that our marriage was over, I talked to my AH many times. I explained that I wanted him to move out. It was very frustrating because he would just ignore me, make pitiful attempts to make it appear that he wasn't drinking as much and, I guess, just assumed that I would "get over it" as I had always done before. This went on for a couple of months.
In the end, the only way I could get him to leave was to wait until he came home drunk, pack his bag, put it in his truck and tell him to go. Since he was drunk, he got mad and stormed out - sure that I'd be begging him to come back the next day. There was no begging and, once he was gone, he began (SLOWLY) to accept the fact that it was over. That may be dangerous for some but, you know your AH. It worked for me. I didn't get mad or yell and scream. I was very calm and just let him know that it was time for him to go.
The important thing I have learned is that there is no need to debate the reasons that I don't want to live with him anymore. There is no need to point out blame or rehash everything that has happened. If I go there, he sees an opening and believes that there is still a chance that he can convince me that I'm wrong. I stay with short statements that are all about me. "I'm not living like that anymore." "I need to get on with my life."
You can always go ahead and file for divorce and have him served. If neither of you wants to leave the house, you will have to live together until you agree who keeps the house or until it is awarded to one of you (in TX). This would be unpleasant but filing for divorce is a statement and that may get through to him.
There is a light at the end of all of this. After he moved out, I realized that our marrige was over way before he walked out the door. He left me a long time ago. It was his decision. It was just my decision to get on with my life and quit holding onto something that didn't exist anymore.
Hugs - L
In the end, the only way I could get him to leave was to wait until he came home drunk, pack his bag, put it in his truck and tell him to go. Since he was drunk, he got mad and stormed out - sure that I'd be begging him to come back the next day. There was no begging and, once he was gone, he began (SLOWLY) to accept the fact that it was over. That may be dangerous for some but, you know your AH. It worked for me. I didn't get mad or yell and scream. I was very calm and just let him know that it was time for him to go.
The important thing I have learned is that there is no need to debate the reasons that I don't want to live with him anymore. There is no need to point out blame or rehash everything that has happened. If I go there, he sees an opening and believes that there is still a chance that he can convince me that I'm wrong. I stay with short statements that are all about me. "I'm not living like that anymore." "I need to get on with my life."
You can always go ahead and file for divorce and have him served. If neither of you wants to leave the house, you will have to live together until you agree who keeps the house or until it is awarded to one of you (in TX). This would be unpleasant but filing for divorce is a statement and that may get through to him.
There is a light at the end of all of this. After he moved out, I realized that our marrige was over way before he walked out the door. He left me a long time ago. It was his decision. It was just my decision to get on with my life and quit holding onto something that didn't exist anymore.
Hugs - L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thank you again everyone for your kind support. Lorelai, I think I am where you were. I've given up the rehashing or trying to make a point - you are right, it doesn't matter at this point. He's still here. The problem is that it is very difficult and very tiring to stay angry, and why would anyone want to? At some point, I just get tired and by nature, can't help but be civil and particpate in small talk, etc.. I just am afraid he will get the impression it's going to work out somehow. He's got a job interview today, and I really hope he gets it...for him, not for me. If so, then I will tell him we need to come up with a plan for when he can leave. If not? I guess eventually I will get the attorney, when I get tired enough of living the 'pretend' marriage, which is really just co-existance in the same house. I have a feeling that will be very soon. And I know what you mean about the marriage being over long ago. When we were in counseling - I said that I was out of patience and that I was ready to end the marriage if he didn't quit drinking. He said then I would be making the choice to break up the family. And I said "no, you made that choice, I just made the decision." A fine line, but I think we all know it to be true. Thanks everyone!
((((Petunia)))) - always so good to hear from you sweetie! Gracey and Queen - we will all get through this together...look how far we've come in a short time!
(((( Minnie))))) - my big inspiration! and CW is right... you got it going on girl!
((((Petunia)))) - always so good to hear from you sweetie! Gracey and Queen - we will all get through this together...look how far we've come in a short time!
(((( Minnie))))) - my big inspiration! and CW is right... you got it going on girl!
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