I finally had the guts to tell him what I plan to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I finally had the guts to tell him what I plan to do
I guess going to enough meetings and posting here finally got my mind straight as to what I was going to say and how I was going to say it to my AH with regard to his alcohol abuse. After the long holiday weekend in which he came up for air (and booze) about once every four or five hours from the basement, I decided this was an insane situation and I was the only one to blame for remaining in a lunatic asylum.
I stayed out of the house most of Sunday and I quietly (but angrily) swallowed his long-weekend bender. He's totally sh**-faced every weekend, but after this many months, I found it particularly taxing and aggravating.
Soooo .... last night when he was sober, I calmly told him that I felt insulted when we went to the symphony and he spent the second half drunk and even had the audacity to say to me the next day, "I don't remember driving home." Well, duh, I guess not - because you were plastered and I drove us home! I also mentioned how this incident, as well as him blowing up during the Super Bowl and taking all the buffet food upstairs for no apparent reason, led me to decide that I could no longer be in his physical vicinity when alcohol triggered him to behave in such a manner.
I let him know that any evening he begins behaving and drinking in such a manner, I will remove myself from the house and will continue to do so every time he exihibits such drinking and resultant behavior. He was very quiet for a minute, then said "I guess I need to get help if I keep doing this." Believe me, I was soooooo tempted to say, "You're vague mention of 'getting help' is simply your way of blowing smoke up my *** and getting me off your back." But thanks to my H.P. I let it go. YOU CANNOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM! He does not recognize HIS problem, but I have clearly made him aware of MINE and the fact that I am facing up to MY problems.
He now knows that I will continue to leave the house and if this situation persists I will move out altogether. I think he knows I mean business, because I was able to say this even though I'm unemployed. Thank God for Al-Anon!! I was capable of speaking my mind without placing blame or nagging. I just stated how I felt and what I intended to do and made it crystal clear to him that his problems are HIS to deal with and choose to solve or not to solve!
I stayed out of the house most of Sunday and I quietly (but angrily) swallowed his long-weekend bender. He's totally sh**-faced every weekend, but after this many months, I found it particularly taxing and aggravating.
Soooo .... last night when he was sober, I calmly told him that I felt insulted when we went to the symphony and he spent the second half drunk and even had the audacity to say to me the next day, "I don't remember driving home." Well, duh, I guess not - because you were plastered and I drove us home! I also mentioned how this incident, as well as him blowing up during the Super Bowl and taking all the buffet food upstairs for no apparent reason, led me to decide that I could no longer be in his physical vicinity when alcohol triggered him to behave in such a manner.
I let him know that any evening he begins behaving and drinking in such a manner, I will remove myself from the house and will continue to do so every time he exihibits such drinking and resultant behavior. He was very quiet for a minute, then said "I guess I need to get help if I keep doing this." Believe me, I was soooooo tempted to say, "You're vague mention of 'getting help' is simply your way of blowing smoke up my *** and getting me off your back." But thanks to my H.P. I let it go. YOU CANNOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM! He does not recognize HIS problem, but I have clearly made him aware of MINE and the fact that I am facing up to MY problems.
He now knows that I will continue to leave the house and if this situation persists I will move out altogether. I think he knows I mean business, because I was able to say this even though I'm unemployed. Thank God for Al-Anon!! I was capable of speaking my mind without placing blame or nagging. I just stated how I felt and what I intended to do and made it crystal clear to him that his problems are HIS to deal with and choose to solve or not to solve!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
((((Prodigal))))) way to go! Believe me I know how hard it can be to do a seemingly simple thing like express an opinion. You should be very proud of yourself, and it sounds like you are well on your way to recovering and making a better life or situation for yourself, with or without him. That takes alot of guts, and I commend you! Hang in there sweetie!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Prod, WOW! This wasn't no baby step... This was a huge step! Good for you. I know how hard it probably was to hold your tongue, but good for you! Your program is working! hip hip hooray! Now, you can teach me how to hold my tongue... It gets me in trouble way too much!
Glad you are RECOVERING!
Glad you are RECOVERING!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
I felt the strength and determination in your post.
I felt the truth in your words about focusing on yourself and not on him.
I liked reading of your realization that his words of getting help are right now just words.
Way to go! Your focus on yourself, and your decision to no longer let his issues be your issues, are both wonderful steps. Hearing you are doing this for YOU, and not to try to manipulate his behavior in any way, suggests to me that you are ready to make your own happiness.
Woo Hoo!!!
I felt the truth in your words about focusing on yourself and not on him.
I liked reading of your realization that his words of getting help are right now just words.
Way to go! Your focus on yourself, and your decision to no longer let his issues be your issues, are both wonderful steps. Hearing you are doing this for YOU, and not to try to manipulate his behavior in any way, suggests to me that you are ready to make your own happiness.
Woo Hoo!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Good one, Prodigal!
Now you don't need to say it again, so you can take that worry of your shoulders.
I told my ex time and time again what I would do if he continued, but of course I didn't follow through because I wasn't ready. The last time, I was ready, but he didn't believe me. He still doesn't and I am moving 200 miles away in 2 weeks time. I refuse to talk about the situation now - he had his chance to do that the other 100 or more times, including couples counselling.
Keep your boundaries and don't let his denial bog you down. This is your life too.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Now you don't need to say it again, so you can take that worry of your shoulders.
I told my ex time and time again what I would do if he continued, but of course I didn't follow through because I wasn't ready. The last time, I was ready, but he didn't believe me. He still doesn't and I am moving 200 miles away in 2 weeks time. I refuse to talk about the situation now - he had his chance to do that the other 100 or more times, including couples counselling.
Keep your boundaries and don't let his denial bog you down. This is your life too.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
