Monday thoughts..........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Monday thoughts..........
Hi folks, it is good to touch base with all of you. Last week my sister surprised me by visiting unexpectedly with her two kids! It was a wonderful surprise and I took time off from work and we had a few days together. During her visit my husband was very well behaved and funny and personable and great with her kids. He is like that sometimes. This week he is drinking way too much and acting stupid. Last night he pulled a plate out of the kitchen cabinet and let it fall on his eye. Now he has a cut and a shiner. But enough about him. I have been calm enough and not pushing him to get a job etc. I think I am letting go of the idea that someday he will become responsible and our life will improve. I am starting to believe that I can only depend on myself and I need to rearrange my life so that it works without depending on him for anything. Maybe this sounds extreme, but I don't think so. Maybe I am beginning to detach on a real level, I'm not sure. I do feel sad that he is deteriorating so badly and no signs of recovery. However, I'm not feeling like its my mission anymore. Maybe I give up. I feel sad but sort of OK. It is good to be back. thanks
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Rose,
Great news. Arranging your life so you no longer have to depend upon him? WOW!
That does not sound at all extreme...you have it!
That does not mean that you lack compassion or that you don't care about him. It means that you have stopped looking at what you want and seeing what IS.
So how are you? You said calm...what are you doing differently? Share with us how you arrived where you are...you could be a great help to alot of people who are trying to achieve what you have.
I am so happy for you!
JT
Great news. Arranging your life so you no longer have to depend upon him? WOW!
That does not sound at all extreme...you have it!
That does not mean that you lack compassion or that you don't care about him. It means that you have stopped looking at what you want and seeing what IS.
So how are you? You said calm...what are you doing differently? Share with us how you arrived where you are...you could be a great help to alot of people who are trying to achieve what you have.
I am so happy for you!
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Rose
It is a step forward that you can now detach and live for yourself.
I am in the same place with my son. I love him and care as much as ever, but I am just not into his disease anymore. It feels a little strange for me too. I had to make sure I wasn't just numbing out, but I don't think so. It's just that my reactions have changed and I am not angry or as scared as I used to be and I have let go of any effort to steer him to recovery or control his life.
And I am getting good at making plans and having my own life without thinking of him first.
And it's good to see you back here. I mised you. Keep on doing what ever you are doing that is working so well for you.
It is a step forward that you can now detach and live for yourself.
I am in the same place with my son. I love him and care as much as ever, but I am just not into his disease anymore. It feels a little strange for me too. I had to make sure I wasn't just numbing out, but I don't think so. It's just that my reactions have changed and I am not angry or as scared as I used to be and I have let go of any effort to steer him to recovery or control his life.
And I am getting good at making plans and having my own life without thinking of him first.
And it's good to see you back here. I mised you. Keep on doing what ever you are doing that is working so well for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
How am I? I feel calm and hopeful about my future and I still don't know if it will include my husband or not. I feel less frantic about making something of my life, of proving with external accomplishments that my life has value. I feel happy right now, today, without knowing what the future will bring.
What am I doing? I have started attending a second weekly Alanon meeting. I read my Alanon literature daily. I read the posts here and share and contemplate the ideas shared here. I have been reading the book "Loving What Is". Using that book I have felt my thoughts shift in an important way. From what should be to what is. But overall, I think the power in the Alanon program is really starting to work in my life. It has taken me several months to really come to understand in my heart the most basic principles of the program. Here is what I understand: Its not my fault and I can't fix it. I have my own problems that need attending to. I have no right to direct or control another person. Alcoholism is a psycological illness that is tough to overcome, not unlike depression. My thoughts about what another person should do, is just my way of arguing with what is. It doesn't do any good, it doesn't change the other person, it just causes me stress.
All this doesn't mean that I don't feel sad, depressed, angry about my situation sometimes. But the feelings don't feel as overwelming as they once did. I used to feel as though I might die from the dispair and the anger. I plan to continue working in the program becuase I have a realy glimpse of what it can do for me and I am thankful.
What am I doing? I have started attending a second weekly Alanon meeting. I read my Alanon literature daily. I read the posts here and share and contemplate the ideas shared here. I have been reading the book "Loving What Is". Using that book I have felt my thoughts shift in an important way. From what should be to what is. But overall, I think the power in the Alanon program is really starting to work in my life. It has taken me several months to really come to understand in my heart the most basic principles of the program. Here is what I understand: Its not my fault and I can't fix it. I have my own problems that need attending to. I have no right to direct or control another person. Alcoholism is a psycological illness that is tough to overcome, not unlike depression. My thoughts about what another person should do, is just my way of arguing with what is. It doesn't do any good, it doesn't change the other person, it just causes me stress.
All this doesn't mean that I don't feel sad, depressed, angry about my situation sometimes. But the feelings don't feel as overwelming as they once did. I used to feel as though I might die from the dispair and the anger. I plan to continue working in the program becuase I have a realy glimpse of what it can do for me and I am thankful.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
That is terrific Rose. It does take time and a lot of effort, but the rewards are worth every minute.
It is so easy to say, we are powerless, take the focus off them and do what we need to do to look after ourselves, and trust a Higher Power to look after the world. But when we finally are able to do this, we are free.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are one strong, terrific lady and such an inspiration.
It is so easy to say, we are powerless, take the focus off them and do what we need to do to look after ourselves, and trust a Higher Power to look after the world. But when we finally are able to do this, we are free.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are one strong, terrific lady and such an inspiration.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
Wow Rose. .I can feel the serenity just flowing out of your post!!
Looks like you are turning the corner and that is so good to see. I always turn the corner and come right back to the start line.
Anyway. .good to see that you are experiencing some peace.
Blessings Mo
Looks like you are turning the corner and that is so good to see. I always turn the corner and come right back to the start line.
Anyway. .good to see that you are experiencing some peace.
Blessings Mo
Guest
Posts: n/a
I think we are running laps Mo,lol.
Rose,
I think you hit the nail on the head. Shifting thoughts seems to be the key. The thoughts can shift right back too. It takes effort to keep the thoughts shifted in the right place especially in the crisis times.
I think if we keep working on it the thoughts may just feel natural one day and it won't take so much effort.
Hugs and thanks for the inspiration.
MG
Rose,
I think you hit the nail on the head. Shifting thoughts seems to be the key. The thoughts can shift right back too. It takes effort to keep the thoughts shifted in the right place especially in the crisis times.
I think if we keep working on it the thoughts may just feel natural one day and it won't take so much effort.
Hugs and thanks for the inspiration.
MG
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Wow Rose!!!!!!!!!!!
You sound like a whole new person. I am sooooooooo proud of you!! You are certainly an inspiration.
Keep up the good work and the meetings. I wish I could go to more but I just don't have any spare time. Especially now that my work days are longer. They might have one during the afternoon on Friday - that's a thought. i'll check into it.
I've really missed you guys. I haven't been on the computer too much lately. I started my new last Monday and have been extremely busy.
Love,
Galnva
You sound like a whole new person. I am sooooooooo proud of you!! You are certainly an inspiration.
Keep up the good work and the meetings. I wish I could go to more but I just don't have any spare time. Especially now that my work days are longer. They might have one during the afternoon on Friday - that's a thought. i'll check into it.
I've really missed you guys. I haven't been on the computer too much lately. I started my new last Monday and have been extremely busy.
Love,
Galnva
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Rose,
There was a time when I went to 4 meetings a week....in that way we are just like an A entering the program. The more meetings you can make the better and you start running into the same people at the differant meetings. Each meeting has a differant feel.
You have seen a glimpse and that flame has been lit. There are true miracles on the other side and you can keep reaching for more for the rest of your life if you choose.
Regarding your H trust that you will know what to do when the time is right. In the meantime keep doing what you are doing..yu are an inspiration!
Hugs,
JT
There was a time when I went to 4 meetings a week....in that way we are just like an A entering the program. The more meetings you can make the better and you start running into the same people at the differant meetings. Each meeting has a differant feel.
You have seen a glimpse and that flame has been lit. There are true miracles on the other side and you can keep reaching for more for the rest of your life if you choose.
Regarding your H trust that you will know what to do when the time is right. In the meantime keep doing what you are doing..yu are an inspiration!
Hugs,
JT
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